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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is unhappy

427 replies

Freckles10 · 19/01/2025 17:49

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

OP posts:
DreadPirateRobots · 20/01/2025 15:22

It's not about money, except for when it is about money, and it's too much money, except for when it's not enough money, and they can totally afford private school and all the extras and also they can't afford all of OP's extravagant coffees.

Got it.

TheaBrandt · 20/01/2025 15:34

We are two decent earners as are most of our friends and hardly any of us have sent our dc private. It’s punishingly expensive if you have more than one child - only very high earners or those with wealthy family support do so round here. Or those prepared to live miserable lives which seems pointless as the state option is good. Our decent comps are full of the children of doctors and solicitors.

I wonder if you are in a “set” where private schools / sahms / lavish 40ths are normalised so you feel it’s normal and what you should both be entitled to?

Christl78 · 20/01/2025 15:44

Freckles10 · 20/01/2025 13:13

Ok so I’ve read every single post on here and after spending the evening and today reflecting, I just want to make some final comments and then I’m going to take myself away from this thread.

I love my husband. I love my family. I do not believe for one second that he is being abusive to me. Every story has two sides and I’m sure if he relayed his version of events, there would be parts I missed out which would fill in gaps and add context to things that were said and done.

He has apologised for being ungrateful and he has apologised for upsetting me but he is as hurt as I am.

Somewhere along the line, the conversation in this thread turned to my daughter’s school fees. I put the point across to him last night about worries about money and he said that wasn’t the case. I won’t go in to the details of our financial situation but my daughter’s education is a moot point in this argument. The fees and everything on top are in hand.

When we discussed it last night, my husband believes I don’t do enough around the house to support him. So he therefore has to pick up my slack meaning that he doesn’t have additional time to pick up extra work.

Historically he has done this. He has taken on additional work to help pay off holidays etc. He doesn’t feel he can do that at the moment because a) he is spending all his free time working on the house and cleaning which I could be helping with and b) he resents me and doesn’t want to work extra time because of how he feels.

The situation with the trip away was awful and it’s hurt me and he knows he has hurt me. He was disappointed. He believes I bigged it up to be something it wasn’t. I don’t believe I did that. He believes he told me multiple times he didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t ever hear him say that.

He believes I planned the trip around what I would like to do rather than what he wanted to do. In hindsight, could I have raised the money and booked us to go away for a night somewhere more exciting? Possibly but when booking, I had no idea how much money I was going to be able to get my hands on so I didn’t want to stretch myself.

The whole point of me selling my things was that I didn’t want his salary to have to pay for his 40th. It’s not that we couldn’t have afforded it, it was that I wanted to do it for him. And again, in hindsight what I should have done was raise the money, give him the cash and say “let’s put this towards doing something for your birthday”. But I wanted to surprise him. That one smacked me back in the face didn’t it?

The long and short of it is that he is hurt because he believes I haven’t made an effort. Just like I don’t make an effort with the house etc. that’s what he believes whether I agree with him or whether he is being unreasonable. That’s how he feels.

Last night he looked so sad. That wasn’t faked. He isn’t having an affair, he never ever would. But he is sad and he is unhappy. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said no. I have no doubt that he would survive perfectly well without me ie, he doesn’t need me for picking up after him or cooking his dinner. So he isn’t using me. I do believe he wants me around but I agree with some comments, currently I don’t think he likes me and right now I don’t like him.

But… and it’s a big but…it’s nothing that we cannot work on or fix. I do believe if I am earning and salary, whatever that salary is, it will help us and hopefully take some of the weight for all our finances off his shoulders.

I do need to step up more. We have a cycle of us having these rows, everything being clean for a week and then slipping again and I need to prove to him that I have taken on board his thoughts and can be consistent.

I need to reign in my spending. I spend too much. I go out for coffees. I do lunches and that needs to slow down.

He needs to be kinder to me and see more of what I do that doesn’t bring finances in.

This is going to be a marathon but I want us to be happy and I believe we can be. I’ve cancelled the trip today (hoping I’ll get some money back) and will be explaining to my family that we aren’t going because we aren’t in a good place. I’m not ready to discuss the ins and outs of what happened.

I’ve told him he needs to accept his daughters will want to wish him happy birthday and that they have prepared things for him so he needs to suck that up. He also needs to explain to his own parents why he doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday. But that’s another conversation to be had when we are both a bit calmer.

Anyway, I didn’t expect this thread to explode the way it did. I took every comment on board and I think you all for your concern. I’m sure many of you will think I’m an idiot or a sucker. That I’m just being walked over by an abuser but I simply don’t see it that way. Because this is the 2% of the time that things are bad. No one else sees the other 98% which is wonderful.

thank you again.

Good luck OP. hope you and your hubby make the right choices and make this work ❤️

coffeeAndasandwich · 20/01/2025 16:05

So basically now you are overspending ...
That was a lot of messed woman's ranting
Glad it ended

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 20/01/2025 16:05

What does ‘show home ‘ mean? Does it mean washing the kitchen floor every day, or does it mean not having the sitting room littered with plastic toys when he comes home? Because there seems to me to be a difference….

OP, you think people have been unkind to you, but actually I think a lot of replies have been quite supportive. People have tried to find reasons why your dh is unreasonable and angry, and to say that you are being ‘abused’.

I wonder whether your confidence has been so eroded by your previous experience at work that you just can’t face trying again. Perhaps if you re entered work at a lower level your confidence might return, and you could go on to higher paid employment. Of course that would involve coming to a fact based agreement with DH about finance and time.

BTW, does he not want to take DD to competitive dance class because that is just ( in his eyes) one more unnecessary expense?

coffeeAndasandwich · 20/01/2025 16:06

DreadPirateRobots · 20/01/2025 15:22

It's not about money, except for when it is about money, and it's too much money, except for when it's not enough money, and they can totally afford private school and all the extras and also they can't afford all of OP's extravagant coffees.

Got it.

Glad she's left

NotaRealHousewife · 20/01/2025 16:11

If you split how are you going to afford the fees?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/01/2025 16:13

Denial is truly a powerful force.

OPs 2/98 ratio of bad times/good times seems to have been plucked out of thin air so not at all based on reality nor her day to day life with her H. I think she will be back in some months time because this is not going to change at all for her, let alone her daughters.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 20/01/2025 17:16

See you in 2 years time full of resentment

rainythursdayontheavenue · 20/01/2025 17:57

What a sad update to read. OP, your DH is treating you like a piece of shit... and you're letting him. He doesn't respect your worth... and I'm not sure you do either by allowing this.

I wish you well.

Duckingella · 20/01/2025 19:01

rainythursdayontheavenue · 20/01/2025 17:57

What a sad update to read. OP, your DH is treating you like a piece of shit... and you're letting him. He doesn't respect your worth... and I'm not sure you do either by allowing this.

I wish you well.

Completely agree;she can't see the wood for the trees;telling her she doesn't do enough cleaning and that it takes up his free time to get the house to his showhome standards is still abuse.

Her take on appeasing him is stop enjoying the small things in life such as costa coffee etc.

OP you need to go to counselling to work on your self worth and some perspective on what's normal in a relationship.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/01/2025 19:07

I guess only you op will know what's true and what isn't about your latest update ( and I will echo others that I found it sad and downtrodden to read as opposed to the light and love feel you were going for).

It's either A - you go out for lunch frequently, spend all your joint money frivolously, do no cleaning and he works all hours, then immediately comes home and starts cleaning up everyone's breakfast dishes, running around doing housework all weekend whilst you lounge about.

Or B - you go out occasionally, run around all day sorting the kids and cleaning, then he wanders in a starts running his finger along a top shelf checking for dust, berating you and redoing things deliberately just to make you feel like shit.

You have definitely given off the impression, reading between the lines, that's it's nearer B, and that's why people are sad for you.

Easipeelerie · 20/01/2025 19:11

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/01/2025 16:13

Denial is truly a powerful force.

OPs 2/98 ratio of bad times/good times seems to have been plucked out of thin air so not at all based on reality nor her day to day life with her H. I think she will be back in some months time because this is not going to change at all for her, let alone her daughters.

I was thinking that. There’s no way the awful things the OP’s said he’s done can fit into just 2% of their time together.

ShyCrab · 20/01/2025 19:46

Freckles10 · 19/01/2025 18:15

I apply and search for jobs every day. But with salaries the way they are, there is no point in looking for a minimum wage job that won’t pay for my youngests nursery place (she only gets 15 free hours per week). I also have a daughter in year 6 and again, putting her in wrap around care adds to the daily cost of childcare which means I need a higher paying job.
I have skills and I am applying for near enough anything. I’m not proud. I’ll scrub toilets if it brings in the money but it makes no sense to take a job and still be in no better financial situation.

Show quote history

It does make sense, because even though it seems nonsensical at least you’ll be working and earning your own money. I’m sorry that he’s reacted in this way, he’s clearly resentful that he’s the only earner. If I were you I would get a job asap. Childcare fees aren’t forever. Please don’t be reliant on him and his moods.

AlexisP90 · 20/01/2025 20:09

ShyCrab · 20/01/2025 19:46

It does make sense, because even though it seems nonsensical at least you’ll be working and earning your own money. I’m sorry that he’s reacted in this way, he’s clearly resentful that he’s the only earner. If I were you I would get a job asap. Childcare fees aren’t forever. Please don’t be reliant on him and his moods.

Show quote history

I absolutely believe every single person should try to have some financial independence. Even if it's a small income each month.

The thought of being with someone and relying on them totally financially scares the absolute shit out of me.

AlexisP90 · 20/01/2025 20:11

Also, and I doubt you'll see this OP, but never ever think someone is totally incapable of having an affair.

Noone is...

3luckystars · 20/01/2025 20:20

I think the opposite. A lot of people are capable of an affair.
And lots of people in happy relationships do it too, not because they are unhappy but because it makes them feel ‘alive’

Having children is hard but I never felt dead!!
But I do not judge anyone.

Anyway I agree that you should keep your eyes open. All the best.

AlexisP90 · 20/01/2025 20:25

AlexisP90 · 20/01/2025 20:11

Also, and I doubt you'll see this OP, but never ever think someone is totally incapable of having an affair.

Noone is...

" My partner would never have an affair " - quote by every person who's partner has had an affair.

Look after yourself OP. I really hope things work out. Little concerned for you if truth be told.if you're ever feeling unsure come back and read these comments again

DuskyPink1984 · 20/01/2025 21:28

Agree with the comments that you cannot know that someone wouldn’t have an affair.

pizzaHeart · 21/01/2025 09:03

Tiswa · 20/01/2025 13:22

@Freckles10 if you don’t work what do you spend your days doing - how much of the household chores do you take on and how much do you spend lunching and coffees because either he is being mean or he does have a point

This^

Rockdaylia44 · 21/01/2025 14:22

Having read thru post op says he'd like a show home and was ungrateful for the birthday surprise. Maybe he felt annoyed as he works all the time whilst op is having coffee Lunches out. It has to work both ways

Easipeelerie · 21/01/2025 17:03

Rockdaylia44 · 21/01/2025 14:22

Having read thru post op says he'd like a show home and was ungrateful for the birthday surprise. Maybe he felt annoyed as he works all the time whilst op is having coffee Lunches out. It has to work both ways

Probably not though. He sounds dodgy. Read back over the things she says he’s done and said.

WakingUpToReality · 22/01/2025 12:56

“Because this is the 2% of the time that things are bad. No one else sees the other 98% which is wonderful.”

OP I suspect the other 98% is wonderful because that’s when you toe the line, but I wish you all the best.

Pumpkinpie1 · 22/01/2025 13:12

I think your head is well and truly in the sand OP , contradictions galore.
Your H is extremely controlling. I’m not surprised your family is concerned

northernlight20 · 22/01/2025 13:38

havent read the entire thread, but i can relate to you op when my kids were younger. sounds like your husband has checked out of the marriage and is using you not working as a stick to beat you with. from experience, i dont think this marriage will last as you wont be able to get past his treatment of you now.