I'm in a real mess :(

[despl]

Hi everyone, please be kind to me as I'm not in the best place right now.

A bit of background first - I'm 28 been with fiancé for 4 years (he's 26) I really do love him but we've had a couple of issues over the past year. He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times (this is if I say the wrong thing to him or something he doesn't like) he had really sorted himself out and will only drink now on occasions and has not acted like that in a while, he knows that I will leave if he does act like that again.

Anyway, we've had an ongoing issue where I feel as though he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all. We literally do absolutely nothing together apart from sit in the house and watch tv, whereas he'll happily go and do things with his friends. If I ask him to go out for dinner he "doesn't want to spend money" if I ask him to go for a walk he "cant be bothered or is too tired"

We had a conversation about this tonight and he ended up getting annoyed saying I'm never happy with anything he does. I got upset and then he started shouting "here we go crying now to make me feel even worse" I feel as though I'm not ever allowed to voice how I feel as he just accuses me of always having it in for him so he'd rather me bottle up my feelings it seems.

I've just come upstairs and have spent my evening upset laying on the bed. The biggest problem here is that I am 9 weeks pregnant. I know it's not ideal but the relationship has always been good although I know it sounds awful typing this out.

I seriously don't know what to do and feel as though my life is ruined 😢

Out of interest, if you do go ahead and have the baby, will you be in a financial position to leave if his bad behaviour starts up again?

Having a baby is stressful, and the stress / lack of sleep could drive him back to his old ways

I never said anyone should have a baby with an arsehole partner. I said sack the arsehole and keep the baby. Sometimes people don’t realise their partner is an arsehole until they get pregnant or married. Some guys will let their mask slip once they think they’re got you locked down. But you don’t have to stay with any man. You can have your baby and raise it without being in a relationship with the arsehole. I said multiple times that you have to work hard to make sure you do everything you c a to protect your child and for me that’s been about educating them on boundaries, acceptable behaviour, having your own voice and being confident to speak up about your needs, your feelings, even when it’s hard or even scary. It’s about fostering good self concept and mental health. I read voraciously about child development, abusive men, how to raise mentally healthy children, how to support children through difficult situations, etc. I asked for help when we needed it. I made sure the school knew too they could also support my child and be a safe place for my child as well. So, again, it’s not easy but raising children never is. And just because by the sounds of it your father was an arsehole, doesn’t mean that you should have been given the chance to exist. Of course you should have. Obviously, in an ideal world you’d want to be with a loving partner, planned pregnant, financially secure, etc but that’s not always the case and I just don’t think people should automatically jump to abortion. It has its own risks and many people become traumatised by the expand live to regret it for the rest of their lives. You can disagree and that’s fine but my lived experience of going through with my pregnancy was the right choice because my child is so adored and such a wonderful little human. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

The outcomes of aborting or not aborting in terms of regret and mental health are similar. Don’t go trying to weight the OP’s decision with arguments that aren’t true.

You can’t have a baby and just sack off the father if he knows you’re pregnant. He can apply to court to be involved in the baby’s life and if he does he’ll be involved in your life too - for 18 years and probably longer. He can use the courts to abuse you. He can be crappy to your child. If OP has this baby she’s having it with the arsehole father whether she continues to live with him or not. If she’s lucky, he’ll fade away, but if she isn’t he could be the bane of her life for decades.

Not having a child now will stop that child existing. But it also gives more space for a different child to exist in the future, when OP isn’t caught up with an abusive man and actually wants to have a child, rather than having one because she doesn’t want to be ashamed.

Thanks for your update OP. Having a child is really hard work and open communication is key, obviously no relationship is ever perfect but I really think you need to have a chat with him about how you feel before the baby arrives. It’ll wear you down so much more when you really need help with a newborn and further down the line a child. It’s an absolute priveledge to have a child but my god it’ll push your relationship to the limit so have the chat about communication beforehand. Otherwise resentment will grow and it’ll end up in a big argument / split most likely xxx

Also another thing you can do… ask yourself why you have chosen to spend your one life with your partner? And if you can’t think of enough good reasons then set yourself free. I parted ways with a man I was due to marry (6 weeks before the wedding - which would have certainly ended in divorce) and am so glad I made that choice xx

He’s acting like a teenager, OP. He’s far too young for you in terms of his attitude and he is starting to treat you like a mum who nags him.
In the long term, flowers and hearts mean nothing when there are bills to pay and a baby to bring up.
He doesn’t want to do anything with your time together and is mean to you - that is enough to end things.
You are lucky in that you have your independence, and a loving family. How do they feel about him?
You are so young. You have done so well getting your home and are clearly very bright. At 28, you need to
also look to the future and what you want from life.

I agree with you @PeggyMitchellsCameo

@despl I didn't read it as if you were being abused, not in the full sense of the word. However, he has displayed abusive behaviour and punching a wall is not a normal, balanced way to behave.

we can't have a conversation without him getting his back up and accusing me of always being annoyed at him etc.

This is gaslighting. It's how it starts. He gets his back up, but it's somehow your fault.

Be very careful. Dripping water wears away stone.

Suit yourself OP. Good luck.

OP, my horrible ex-husband had many, many times where he would be lovely, too. That's how they keep you there - because you'd walk away otherwise. They're also using a technique called intermittent reinforcement to establish/maintain control over you.

Judge your relationship by its worst parts, not its best parts.

'' He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times (this is if I say the wrong thing to him or something he doesn't like) . . . . I got upset and then he started shouting . . . I'm not ever allowed to voice how I feel . . . I seriously don't know what to do and feel as though my life is ruined. ''

With all due respect OP, this is what you wrote only 19 hours ago.

It looks pretty horrific to all of us out here.

How do you feel about your future baby witnessing his behavior?

That's so horrible of you to say to end the pregnancy disgusting in fact . She will make her own choice not with your input

Thanks all, I really appreciate your input and need a serious think about my next steps.

I totally agree with you @martinisforeveryone , although I'm not being abused there is no doubt that the things I've mentioned are classed as abusive behaviours. I agree that normal, level headed people don't punch things too. I was quite shocked and embarrassed when it happened as I have not been brought up like that at all it is completely the opposite to the life and values that I'm used to - if that makes sense.

@warmheartcoldfeet good point, maybe I'm in denial about it as reading it written down is quite shocking and unacceptable to happen even once.

There are more good times than bad, but he has done some pretty stupid stuff (when under the influence)

Also a few people have asked what my family think of him.

The whole family adores him. There is nothing not to like from an outsiders perspective, he's funny, sociable, loves spending time with the children of the family and taking them places, a real family man.

My parents love him, but have said that he needs to grow up and sort himself out. They were really not happy about the door situation and said that he needs to give up alcohol full stop if he's behaving that way. Their main priority is me and my safety and they've made that pretty clear.

My parents are decent people, they both have really good jobs, a lovely house, etc - they have the type of life that I would love. So their daughters fiancé getting angry when drunk and behaving like a twat is not something they'll take lightly and shrug off!

Your last post OP just highlights the fact that no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Your family may think he's the bee's knees but they know his behaviour does change if he drinks - re: the door!! Would they still think he's the bee's knees if they knew he took drugs too?

If you have a daughter … would you be happy for her to be in a relationship with a man like this in the future?

He sounds too emotionally immature to be a decent father tbh, I’m sorry.

Just because he hasn’t harmed you physically doesn’t mean he’s not abusive. Constantly showering with gifts is usually a tactic to keep a woman “sweet”.

If he only wants to spend time with you by sitting in the house and watching TV I guarantee he won’t be going on any family days out with you and the baby.

Obviously you know him way better than any of us do so I’m only forming my opinion on the information you’ve provided, but please do try and think logically and rationally about what you want long term and if he is capable of that.

OP how can you be defending him. Cut your losses.

They were really not happy about the door situation.

If you were my daughter "really not happy" wouldn't describe how I felt.

Yesterday you said "He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times"

What was the other occasion?.

Well it's your life. He's not someone I would want to be shackled with.

I’m going to give you 100% honesty. I would leave him and have an abortion.

At 28, you have loads of time to meet someone you’re more compatible with. Someone who will want to connect with you emotionally. Who respects you.

If you stay and have this baby, you’ll be tied to him for the next 18 years and I promise he’ll get worse. Having a baby together puts immense pressure on even the best of relationships.

You deserve happiness.

You have seen some very alarming behaviour from him in only the last year. Everyone that has been in this situation will tell you that this kind of behaviour always escalates once children are born. Always.
Sometimes with fatal consequences.

Don't put yourself in that situation OP.

Once in, you can sometimes never, ever, get out.

If you were my daughter I would be picking you up, bring you home and support you to get shut of this horrible man and in whatever decision you make about the pregnancy

I'm glad you're listening and seeming to consider what's been said here @despl

As I said before, no one else can make up your mind for you because no one has to walk in your shoes, although very many thousands of women before you have trod the same route and have tales to tell.

What I will say, is that I have the kind of life your parents have with my husband and in decades together I have never seen him strike out at anything in anger, or disrespect me. He never tells me he can't be bothered, or blames me if he feels annoyed about anything. The model your parents' marriage presents is achievable, and not that unusual, we also have friends who are very happy together the same as they are.

If I had the slightest suspicion that any of my grown children had concerns about their partner the same way as you do, then I would break my no interfering rule. I don't believe these traits go away and nor are they improved by bringing a baby into the mix, particularly one that wasn't planned for. Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy, or think you're too far down the relationship road, think hard about what you want your future to look like. At the moment you sound like you're more in a rut than we are.

I know all about it, I’ve lived it. I’ve been through the court system. I’ve still got to deal with my child’s father but it still wouldn’t change my decision to keep my baby. Would it have been my choice to end up with an abusive man? Of course not but that’s what happened and I dealt with it. And it wasn’t about being ashamed at all. What was about love. I loved my child as soon as I knew they existed. I wanted that child. That child was a part of me and I was its mother as soon as I got that positive test.

Weight OP’s decision? Not true? What are you talking about? What I’ve posted has been my true, lived experience and my true opinion. So there’s nothing false about it. I said in each comment that it wouldn’t be easy but that it was absolutely worth it. I am merely giving OP a different position and reminding her that she has options and she doesn’t have to abort if she doesn’t want to or because people are telling her to. I haven’t actually told her to do anything unlike most on here who have told her to abort. I’ve told her my story and that she has options, which she does.

Also, I met my now husband and we planned a baby together and my eldest child adored my youngest. We all do. So there’s no reason why she can’t have another planned child in the future either. So a different child can exist in the future whatever her decision.

It's advice, not an order.