I'm in a real mess :(

[despl]

Hi everyone, please be kind to me as I'm not in the best place right now.

A bit of background first - I'm 28 been with fiancé for 4 years (he's 26) I really do love him but we've had a couple of issues over the past year. He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times (this is if I say the wrong thing to him or something he doesn't like) he had really sorted himself out and will only drink now on occasions and has not acted like that in a while, he knows that I will leave if he does act like that again.

Anyway, we've had an ongoing issue where I feel as though he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all. We literally do absolutely nothing together apart from sit in the house and watch tv, whereas he'll happily go and do things with his friends. If I ask him to go out for dinner he "doesn't want to spend money" if I ask him to go for a walk he "cant be bothered or is too tired"

We had a conversation about this tonight and he ended up getting annoyed saying I'm never happy with anything he does. I got upset and then he started shouting "here we go crying now to make me feel even worse" I feel as though I'm not ever allowed to voice how I feel as he just accuses me of always having it in for him so he'd rather me bottle up my feelings it seems.

I've just come upstairs and have spent my evening upset laying on the bed. The biggest problem here is that I am 9 weeks pregnant. I know it's not ideal but the relationship has always been good although I know it sounds awful typing this out.

I seriously don't know what to do and feel as though my life is ruined 😢

Please listen to this. It is your choice @despl and your life. You can make your own decision what is best for you.

I meant to quote this.

He has a lot to lose himself as it’s your house. I’d sit him down - lay it out in no uncertain terms than unless he sorts himself out it’s over and he can find a new place to live.

The baby is a situation only you can decide on. You need to go with your gut feeling on that. You aren’t a teenager with limited education and no resources, you are a grown woman. On the other hand a child is a massive responsibility and it represents a tie to someone that you may not wish to have a reminder of in your life. How did you feel after the previous termination? Some women can move on quickly others go through a major grieving process when they have this experience - how did you cope with it?

Also consider how you will feel later on in life… you can see where you will be at 30/40 in this situation - is that an ok outcome for you? Or do you want something different?

Big decisions - best wishes.

I’d also echo other posters - what you see is what you get. He’s not nice to you and yet he’s the person who is supposed to love you most in the world.

Please end it with this man. You are young enough to start again. Whether or not you decide to keep the baby, make this man leave your house. Life is too short to waste your young years on being treated like shit. He doesn't like you. He doesn't want to spend time with you.. he shouts at you when inebriated... this isn't love.
If you keep the baby just end it now.. your baby will never know their parents together so it won't effect them. Don't stay together and model this 'relationship' to a child.

Get rid of him. Have your family (or someone supportive) there with you when you kick him out. Change the locks.

As for the baby that's up to you but I wouldn't want to be tethered to this man for the next 18+ years.

There is also the option of keeping the baby but losing him. It’s your choice. Think carefully. Can you speak to your mum? Take care.x

I don’t think he sounds great. This should be happy, honeymoon stage. How will it be under stress of a baby? I’d be looking to end things. He dosent seem to enjoy your company or have fun together.
id also be seriously considering termination.having watched my best friend have a baby with a man who sounded considerably better than yours but the way he treats her and their DC after split your signing up to a lifetime of dealing with this man. If he’s this nice to you when you’re in his good books how will he be when you’re not? Abusive, controlling, scary, dangerous. Your certainly young enough that you should have time to raise your bar and meet someone better to have a family with

He will be a terrible father and partner. I don’t say it lightly but you still have time to start a family with a great person. It would be hard but I would terminate and leave asap

He sounds awful and abusive. This will not get any easier if you decide to continue with the pregnancy. No one will judge you for having an abortion so please do not continue your pregnancy for this reason. Under the circumstances it would be fully understandable to choose not to. No child should be saddled with an abusive father. You will be tied to him for at least 18 years. As will any children you decide to have with him. The courts are strongly in favour of children to having a relationship with fathers, even the unsuitable ones. X

You’re young, not married, it’s your house. He has no claim on it. Kick him out. He’s a waste of space.

Don’t have a baby with him. You will be tied to him forever. He will be awful about custody and awful about money.

No one else cares if you’ve had a previous termination. Don’t let the idea of being ashamed result in a baby being related to this man. He’s a waste of space.

Edited to say… if you have a termination, do not tell him!! You need to say you miscarried. The abuse will get significantly worse if you tell him the truth.

You are young OP. Your age is on your side. As well as the fact that you already see and feel this isn’t right.
You can start again. I know that feels impossible but you can and you should!

Please do not tie yourself to this man.
Free yourself from this tyranny … he wont change, things won’t get better.
He shouldn’t treat you this way. There is nothing for you to love about him. He doesn’t want to even be with you does he.

A child deserves a good, kind, attentive father, not one loaded with problems who can’t put others first. It’s your job to provide that. This fiancée isn’t it.
You can’t save him. He doesn’t even want to be saved by you and his conduct tells you that. He isn’t listening to anything you say and doesn’t want to be bothered with you. You can’t make him happy. He doesn’t want to be happy with you. Don’t burden yourself with it any more. Walk away for good. You have the right to walk away and you deserve much better for yourself.

Give yourself a chance to live a decent life going forward. And be proud of yourself for making that decision. Face up to the facts with as much strength as you can muster and start again if you possibly can. You will be OK.

Hi OP. I say this with as much kindness as I can… as a guy. This is not the type of relationship that will allow you to grow and flourish. This’ll draw energy and make you unhappy…and will continue to do so on this trajectory.

Your relationship is a cancer and fortunately you’re in a position where it’s still operable. You must leave. No second chances, no looking back, no hesitancy. Get your ducks in a row…others can advise how and what to do. And leave.

You know what you need to do.
And stop being careless.
I’m old enough to be your grandmother and I know enough to tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get that jerk out of your life and either have that baby and be a good, strong, decent and loving mother — or don’t.
But look at yourself in the mirror and stop this cycle of one mistake after the other after the other.
You’re young, you’re beautiful, you’re bright — you have your whole life in front of you and you have the world at your feet.
So many people believe in you, did you know that?
Believe in yourself. And get your shit together.
Okay? ❤️

Please reread your post. Imagine a friend has written it. This man is an abusive drunk. He will ruin your life. His behaviour will not magically improve once a baby appears - it will get worse and worse. By that stage, you'll be tied to him for many years navigating co-parenting. You have a chance here - a window of opportunity to escape this abuse. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having multiple abortions, nothing at all. An abortion is a medical procedure and doesn't need to be viewed as a marker of morality.

Get rid of him and if you want that to be permanent and complete, get a termination as well.

Just think about this...

This is as good as it is ever going to be.

This, right now. Him not wanting to spend time with you, being vile to you, liable to get in a rage any time you want a conversation, wasting his money on booze and coke (and yes he still is, he totally is).

But if you stay with him and have his child, it will get worse, so so much worse.

Do not keep his child because you'd be ashamed not to. Keep a child if you want more than anything in this world, to have THIS child. Seriously, only do it for that reason and do it knowing he will potentially be in your life and in your mind in some way for at least the next 19 years.

I really can't express in words how much I want you to get him out of your life. This relationship is not good, it has never been good, it never will be good.

You will be tied to this man and his violence and drug taking indefinitely if you choose to go ahead with the pregnancy.
If he is shouting at you now what is he going to be like sleep deprived with a newborn. You are putting yourself and any future baby at severe risk with a man like this.

Even if you separate, he is likely to make your life hell for next twenty years or more.

You have a house, you have a family that loves you dearly you do not need to settle for this op. You can have a wonderful relationship with someone that adores you, and a beautiful family one day.

You are at a cross roads now. Think very carefully what life you want for yourself. Get some counselling. Book in a date so you don’t miss the deadline. You can always cancel. Take care 💐

Yikes the pregnancy really complicates things. You should definitely 100% end the relationship. Do not marry this man. You know he doesn't want to spend time with you. It sounds like he hates you and just wants you to shut up. Ideally don't have his baby either - it's not too late but understand that most likely it would be very devastating for you to end the pregnancy

What would your life be like if you go ahead with the pregnancy without the coke head but then your child ends up as a drug addict.

This 'man' is just not good father material.

It might be wise to do the freedom programme whilst you still have all your options open & to help learn the difference between someone who loves you & someone who doesn't.

Do you really want to inflict that as father to your child? - him in your life for at least 18 years? It'll get worse when you have the child as hell think you are trapped and less likely to leave.

Think very carefullly, he will not change I promise you that.

Please OP I'm begging you - leave him and end the pregnancy if you can. It's so so hard right now to have to consider this and truly heartbreaking but this is not a loving relationship to bring a child into. Having kids is hard enough sometimes even with a supportive and loving partner. You know yourself this is a mistake. Listen to your gut. It's not too late.

Forgive yourself for the previous termination. It's ok to have needed it.

I’m so sorry you are in this position OP. Your fiancé does not sound like the type of man who will love and cherish you. I think you’re going to be if for a lifetime of heartache if you have a baby with him. You’re still so young. I think you should terminate the pregnancy and leave him. Have you got a good network of family and friends who can support you through it? X

I totally agree. I had a termination too and so I understand why you wouldn’t want to do it again but it will be for the best. You are very young and still have lots of time to find a better guy for life. Having a child with him will make you fell helpless and stuck believe me

This is the wrong decision in your particular situation. You can't keep a pregnancy because you think you might be embarrassed. You have to do the right thing for you.

This man is a tool and you would be wise to not tie yourself to him forever.

Get free. Free of this horror.

You titled this thread that you are in a real mess. You can step out of the mess, wipe your shoe and walk away with your head high.