I'm in a real mess :(

[despl]

Hi everyone, please be kind to me as I'm not in the best place right now.

A bit of background first - I'm 28 been with fiancé for 4 years (he's 26) I really do love him but we've had a couple of issues over the past year. He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times (this is if I say the wrong thing to him or something he doesn't like) he had really sorted himself out and will only drink now on occasions and has not acted like that in a while, he knows that I will leave if he does act like that again.

Anyway, we've had an ongoing issue where I feel as though he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all. We literally do absolutely nothing together apart from sit in the house and watch tv, whereas he'll happily go and do things with his friends. If I ask him to go out for dinner he "doesn't want to spend money" if I ask him to go for a walk he "cant be bothered or is too tired"

We had a conversation about this tonight and he ended up getting annoyed saying I'm never happy with anything he does. I got upset and then he started shouting "here we go crying now to make me feel even worse" I feel as though I'm not ever allowed to voice how I feel as he just accuses me of always having it in for him so he'd rather me bottle up my feelings it seems.

I've just come upstairs and have spent my evening upset laying on the bed. The biggest problem here is that I am 9 weeks pregnant. I know it's not ideal but the relationship has always been good although I know it sounds awful typing this out.

I seriously don't know what to do and feel as though my life is ruined 😢

Don’t marry this man,OP.
The relationship won’t last. All the huge red flags are there already.

If you marry then it will be a lot more complicated to dump him and he will be entitled to half your house.

I wonder if the relationship hasn't changed but now you're pregnant it's made you view it differently?

There's no shame in making choices that are for the rest of your life. If you resent him now and his behaviours you're going to hate them a whole lot more as a single mam to a young baby. Take a bit of time. Make the choice that's right for you.

OP. You still have time to meet someone amazing who will respect you.

Get him out. Just going back to the basic details, he is a drug user, he smashes things up, he shouts at you. He is a waster who isn’t going anywhere in his life, his financial issues will eventually drag you down too. His behaviour indicates he will only get more abusive to you.

The pregnancy is your choice but do not feel bad if you end it. This is not a home to bring a baby into.

Get him out of your house, bring your parents in to support you as he may get abusive when you ask him to leave.

If you do have the baby, is he the type that would want custody? Don’t name him on the birth certificate. Don’t have the baby with this man just because you feel like it’s your only chance. It’s far better to get a sperm donor and not be tied to a twat for the next 18 years.

My love, you are so young, with your whole life ahead of you. Decades of a happy life and endless possibilities on how you want to live it.

I’m twenty years older than you, I’m no expert, I don’t have any special wisdom, but I can tell you with 100% certainty - this man will bring nothing but trouble, upset and pain if you chose to stay with him and have children with him.

You live just one life. Make it good.

If it helps write down a list of what you want in a life partner? Does it feature kindness, fun, quality time spend together, loving and cherishing each other, supporting each other through difficult times? …….. Or does it feature anger, alcohol, drugs, selfishness?

Write a list also on what kind of man you would desire to have as the Father for your future children. Does this man have any of the qualities you list?

You are such a great position, you are young, you are a home owner, you have a supportive family nearby.

Do not marry him. He's violent and doesn't care about your feelings. He can't be trusted with money. Is that really someone you want to spend your life with? Don't you think you can do better?

If you have the baby you will be tied to him forever.

The clinic will not judge you at the clinic, it happens all of the time. You would be very surprised to know you are not unusual in the least op. So don’t let that stop you from making the right decision for you.

You should mention you are in an abusive relationship, they are trained in these situations, and you will receive extra care and support.

You need to make a decision and stick to it He isn't worthy of you. Att 28, pre children you should be enjoying yourselves whether that is snuggling on the sofa and having cosy nights in or nights out and weekends away. He should not be taking you for granted or speaking to you in such a way. Make a decision and then ask your family for support. I would end the relationship and if I am honest the pregnancy too so that there are no ties to this person. I'd then either stay in your home if you can afford to but if not, I'd sell and move in with ypur parents (if that is an option) or look to buy somewhere else. Emotional abuse can often develop into physical abuse and like pp have said this often escalates during pregnancy. I'd put yourself first op and not saddle yourself with a waster.

I also want to say I was you once op.

i took the option to terminate and walk away and I’ve never looked back. Yes I cried and was so upset for a while, but it passed.

I then went travelling with my friends, found my own self again. I came back renewed, had some therapy. Met the most amazing man just by chance.

We have been married for 25 years now, we have an idyllic life and happy stress free marriage and such lovely children. Animals. A life I never could have imagined back then. I am so grateful that I had the option of a second chance, please grab it and run.

Talk it through with a counsellor, get some support. Make the best decision for YOU, not for anyone else. Whatever that looks like.

❤️

A friend was expecting a baby with a man who turned out to be an a*hole. She thought hard about it and in the end had an abortion. A few years later she met a good man, remarried and now they have a family together.

Whatever you do about the pregnancy, get that man out of your house and life. You know you deserve more than that.

I just think that people want to act like a victim by saying shit like that. If my partner smashed up my house defo I’d end it but I would go around telling people he abused me. I’d tell them he was a childish little boy who couldn’t control his temper.

So you'd 'defo' end the relationship with the father of your child if he did what OP's boyfriend has done... but you think that she should stay with her boyfriend and not 'throw the towel in'?

This was to @Tralalalal

We all make mistakes, OP. Don’t feel ashamed. Have the abortion and clear this dangerous man out of your life. Of course he’s happy and excited about the pregnancy — a child would tie you to him.

Please, OP. He’s shown you his real, unloving, selfish, aggressive character. You (and potential child) face a horrible future if you continue this pregnancy.

Personally, I would end the relationship and be a single parent. I would keep the baby. I had a baby by a man who turned out to be abusive after I got pregnant. I found out very early. I ended the relationship and kept my baby and I’m so glad I did. My child is the apple of my eye and a wonderful human being who makes the world a better place. Loving, kind and funny to. I realise you will have to interact with the child’s father. I won’t lie, it’s been tough but I wouldn’t change my decision. My child’s dad is abusive and has limited contact, has never paid a penny in maintenance and still tries to be abusive to me. But it still wouldn’t change my decision to keep my baby. I learned the grey rock method, interact via message only, have a court order in place for contact and my child knows they don’t have to see him if they don’t want to. My child and I are very close. Think before you make any decisions you might regret. I know most people would say just have an abortion but that’s not your only option and it’s not something you can change once it’s done.

How can an abusive father be a good thing for your child though? Limited contact he is still contact.

You say you are still being abused. Are you getting support?

But a younger child would have to see him even if they didn't want to. If he is never convicted of abuse and therefore limited access isn't an option, I mean.

In fact, he would have equal rights to OP as a parent for the next 18 years.

OP please do try to get some therapy if you can.

You’ve heard a lot of women on here say that we don’t trust your partner to treat you with the love, respect and kindness you deserve.

Please consider your boundaries. A therapist can help you with that.

Things should have ended between you when he first smashed things up and was using drugs.

Why did you stay with him?

That must have been so frightening.

He doesn’t love you, not really. Someone who loves you would never do that. He’s got too many problems of his own to know what true love is.

It sounds like you felt sorry for him and stayed with him.

But that’s not love either.

You are not well matched. He only wants to have you on his terms.

And accept those terms. Crying upstairs in the bedroom because he’s hurt you again. This isn’t love. This isn’t respect. This isn’t loyalty. This isn’t kindness.

He’s not going to give you these things which is what love is made of. Love is not words, it’s actions and it’s the feelings you feel around a person.

But he makes you feel insecure, worthless, stupid for asking for his time.

He will treat your child the same because he has unresolved issues. You can’t stay with him because you feel sorry for him. Pethsos you are in the ‘rescuer’ role. Look it up online. Some people rescue others but it’s leads to abuse. You can’t save someone like this. He has to save himself.

Please please get some therapy. Your boundary setting is out of whack and you’re getting hurt and not changing things and you’ve not changed things for a long time when you should have to protect yourself. You’re sacrificing your happiness for his.

Then you’re also thinking of introducing a small child into this setting. You know this is wrong. You will both be belittled and shamed by him, walking on egg shells trying to please him for his love. What a mess. You know what you have to do.

Never have a child with someone hoping the responsibility will be accepted, or that it’ll change them for the better. Move forward based on everything as is now.

@despl no one can tell you what’s right for you, but at this stage make a considered decision about what’s right for the rest of your life. As you’ve said yourself, your own parents are still looking out for you, parenting is a long slog, often complicated by an irresponsible coparent.

Also remember that all of our comments on a page take moments to write, mostly given with what we perceive to be your best interests at heart and in good faith, but some are given from a firm, personal viewpoint.

We can all talk the talk, but only you have to walk your walk and it’s not for anyone else to judge whatever decision you make.

You cannot tell anyone to end a pregnancy.

Daft advice though to think the exception is now the rule.

It's like saying you stuck a fork in a plug socket and luckily the resulting hair do is exactly the stand up style you were hoping for, therefore everyone should ignore the age old advice and do what you did.

ask yourself if you want to be tied to this creature for the next 18 years.

No, ask yourself if you want to be tied to him for LIFE!

This man will drag you down if you let him.

That’s correct. He would have equal rights and responsibilities. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have the baby. As I said,
it’s been difficult but I’ve learned to grey rock and support my child around contact. I wouldn’t change having my child. And for the argument that it isn’t fair on the child, I think it’s better to be given a chance at life than to be aborted because the circumstances aren’t optimal or are a challenge. It’s all about providing that safe space for your child and teaching them their rights from an early age to assert how they feel and what they want. It’s about understanding domestic abuse and how to best protect your children, working with appropriate services to protect the child. It isn’t easy but I wouldn’t change it. My child is very happy and well adjusted and it was the best decision I made by bringing this wonderful little human into the world. Easy? No. Worth it? Absolutely 💯 I would do it all again.

@TipsyJoker

That’s classic post hoc rationalisation.

What you describe is a far from ideal situation that you have to work hard to mitigate.

Whilst one can’t always predict the future and dealing with these kind of things can be unavoidable, avoiding having a child with a known arsehole is always to be recommended.

My mum didn’t regret having me and my sisters. I’m sure she regretted her choice of partner. They are not mutually exclusive.

Wow, I was not expecting to come on here to all of these comments! I have read every single one and just want to thank everybody so much for the kind and supportive comments, they mean so much and so do the comments that are telling me straight as I needed to hear it! Thank you, thank you, thank you

I just wanted to clarify, and it's probably my fault for how I worded my original post, but I am definitely not being abused by him.

The "smashing things up" that I referred to was back in April we had been out, he was pissed, we argued and he ended up punching the back door in a temper and it smashed. There was instant regret and after I told him it was over he begged and cried for weeks and promised to change, and I must admit he has. He doesn't drink anymore, apart from on special occasions and we haven't had any problems regarding that since - he knows that he's on his last chance and that id leave if anything of the sort happened again.

He's very loving, buys me flowers every week, tells me he loves me every day, compliments me all the time, surprises me with little gifts. I also know that he will be a great dad, he is very patient and always willing to help etc. He gets up with the dog every single morning so that I can have extra time in bed.

The purpose of my post was me addressing the problem where I feel that he doesn't want to spend time with me and that we can't have a conversation without him getting his back up and accusing me of always being annoyed at him etc. His idea of spending time together is sitting at home watching tv.

The only reason that I mentioned the previous issues was to give a bit of background on the issues we've had and why I feel that he should be making a bit more effort.

Thank you all so much again, and please don't take this as me palming the comments off - I have taken them all on board. I just don't want to claim sympathy and that I'm being abused when I'm definitely not, he worships the ground that I walk on most of the time but can be an emotionally unintelligent idiot at other times!