He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

Your husband is disgusting and gross .
That would 100% mean the end of my marriage

Yes, that's revolting especially as he knew her as a little girl. 🤢

when I got cheated on for a much shorter relationship I wanted revenge and I made a fool of myself trying. If anything that gave him a reason to say I deserved it and convince others I was crazy. Maybe I was but it was him that made me crazy. I suggest keeping your dignity and not doing anything that could be perceived by others. I don’t see this mentioned on these threads so I thought I’d mention it too, it’s best to have a long time without each other after this, not living together and not speaking. I don’t know how practical that is for you but time heals well and after a few months you’ll feel more stable to deal with what happened rather than trying to do anything now.

Oh my goodness, that's awful for you. Your husband made a conscious decision by meeting this young woman at the pub. He could have not made the arrangements with her, or backed out at the last minute, but he didn't. He must have had some idea of what might happen, once alcohol became involved and inhibitions were lowered. The fact he's know this young woman since 9-12 years old is grim. It makes the situation somehow worse. You do need to sit down and ask him why. Is he unhappy in your marriage? Did she flirt with him and being a numpty he felt flattered and responded? You do need some answers. Is he remorseful? I'm guessing he feels guilty as he told you? Depending on his answers will make you decide if couples counselling may help to repair the damage or if you can't go passed what's happened and you need to end the marriage. If you do decide to go down the divorce route then make sure you get banking information, pensions, savings etc and the seek legal advice. Your children are adults, and if divorce is on the horizon, you need to be honest with them on the reasons. I know it's humiliating for you, but you are not to blame.

Get the divorce started, plan where you'll live, how you'll decorate with no one else's shitty taste to consider, the blissful peace you'll have, utter freedom every minute.
You'll have the pride of knowing you discarded the pervert, and a whole world out there for you to enjoy.

The lech is not worth a single word. Don't indulge him in emotional chats, comfort or arguing. Be icy, disengaged, repulsed. There's really nothing to say, anyway, put it all in the hands of solicitors.

Ughh he's a groomer. Please leave this disgusting man. You deserve better!

Jesus what was she even thinking?... at 20 no way would I have slept with a 50 year old.. I couldn't move on from this and would end my marriage. Big hugs to you

Your husband is a grim as fuck dirty old perv needs to be kicked out asap. It wouldn’t make it right but if he met a random younger woman in passing it would be different to the fact he knew this one from young childhood.

It would honestly make me wonder if he’s been grooming her for many years. I couldn’t bear to be in same room as the disgusting creep. Take him to the cleaners - he deserves it

Well he's done you a favour in that you won't be wishy washy over whether to end it. How gross.

Move him out of your bedroom or you move out if you prefer.
Important documents and sentimental items squirreled away.
Contact a solicitor
Get the house valued I guess although I've no experience of such things and the order.

I couldn't get past this.
Take some time first to process. There's no rule to say you have to do xyz now. Take the time to grieve and then get your ducks in a row. I would however make it abundantly clear to him that there's no coming back from this.

Excellent advice.

This is odd. People have affairs however this is bordering on grooming.

This is way more than a drunk one night stand.

At worst, he's a grooming paedo. At best, he's a perverted cheater.

Absolutely awful.

I agree. Things like this just don’t suddenly happen out of the blue - they have been moving towards this somehow for a long time. I’m so sorry this happened to you, it must feel like your entire life has been ripped out from under you. It will be a hard road ahead, but you will be okay. As a pp said, keep your dignity and remember this is on him, you deserve better xx

As a mother of a teenage, sporty daughter who has male coaches, this has made me feel sick.

You poor thing @Lookslikelou. What a terrible shock. Do you have a trust Ed someone in real life who you can talk to?

I don't normally comment on these threads as others have much better advice than me but just wanted to say I'm so so sorry.

I usually go with the 'things can be fixed' as I have been cheated on in the past and we just about made it work.

But this is different. Your DH Is the same age as mine and we've been together for 25 years so I can totally feel the devastation this would cause.

Was he picturing her like this when she was 9-10?? Wow, this is awful, had she not moved away would he have groomed her, would something have started when she was younger than 20.

You have DC younger than that - how does he look at their friends?

I am not an MN who advocates for divorce, I normally have a 'benefit of the doubt' approach and suggest things can't always be black and white, 2 sides to the story, etc. I don't think divorce is the answer to all marital issues. However, on this occasion, I have no doubt what I would do.

I would also let everyone know what he has done, including the girls parents. Yes she is of consenting age but he was way out of line and I am sure they would have plenty to say about this.

Grim grim grim

Do you think she’s the only one of his protégés he’s done this with? How many others did he keep in contact with, or their families? It’s could be part of a pattern.

please tell your daughters the truth.
don’t let him control the narrative.

he has thrown your family life away for a quick fling with one of his students.
he has done this, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I think she was very possibly groomed by him. It isn't a question of 'what was she thinking', more of 'what had he done to her'. He's a disgusting pervert.

I would want to know at what point this became sexual because a 20 year old randomly having sex with a 50 year old she hasn’t seen for years is quite odd.

Xpost exactly.