He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

Her mum passed a couple of years ago so it would be her dad, I feel odd telling an adults dad about her sexual activity.

So what does he want to do now? Is he begging for forgiveness? Saying it was a mistake?

Not that it matters, I’d be booting him out anyway but I’m just wondering what his plan is?

It's more than 'bordering'. These words from the OP are all that's necessary to deduce that this is pretty much a textbook case of grooming:

This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her.

This is how these men work. They frequently groom the parents too. A horrible, horrible thing for OP to have to process.

Presumably because they've stayed in close contact for years. Have you seen his messages? This has probably been going on ages but she's never been near enough for anything to happen.

This is such a difficult situation to advise someone on.

But... here's what I would do: When we get an immense shock like that, our immediate reaction is emotional upset. It's insulting; it's humiliating, and you wonder, Did you ever even know this person before? Emotional states are never good ones for rational decisions. It sounds like he has a crush on her now. But, as Dr. Phil always says, divorces from temporary romps or affairs that end with new relationships only have a 5% survival rate.

Try to weigh the good and bad. If finances are good or okay in the marriage, and other things are good or manageable (like housing, friendship circles, etc.), it would obviously be a huge dent to separate and be on your own. You could either do a Victoria Beckham and turn the other cheek for the sake of all other benefits the marriage brings, or go full monty and separate and take the full burden on yourself.

I personally would not put up with crap from someone else, but if a divorce would impact me hugely negatively, financially or otherwise, I would turn the other cheek, but I would start to behave as if I was single and find myself a lover. And if he whines, I would remind him why I took these steps.

But that's just me.

Nothing really. I asked him to leave and we haven’t spoken since. I believe he is at his parents as his mum has tried to call me.

It sounds so planned - maybe for years. Absolutely unforgiveable.

OP I’m sorry this is all so odd. Why would a 50 year old man invite a former student to his birthday party and how did he know she was in London.

You’re not telling her dad about her sexual activity, you’re flagging up that she’s potentially been groomed since childhood by a predatory creep.

This is really worrying OP, grooming immediately springs to mind.
Does he have access to children/YP now?

Not sure if you've heard, but people often stay in touch via things called social media networks and messaging apps.

Your telling the dad that your husband coached her as a child and is now in a sexual relationship with her and it seems to have been going on a while. Id tell the police too and the coaching body that he is accredited with. If there is nothing untoward it will be fine. The fact that he coached her when she was so young and tracked her is significant

He knew because they’ve been communicating probably for years. This didn’t happen by accident, she’s not a random that he pulled in a bar.

Groomers do that, too. Hayley McGregor's story is almost a carbon copy of this one.

It's a clear pattern, as is usually the case with abusive behaviour. To be clear, OP's husband is an abuser.

I don’t think I will be telling her dad.

1. I wouldn’t know where to start on contacting him
2. Yes it could be grooming but it could not be too, I don’t know and I’m not mentally in a place right now where I can take the moral burden of that
3. Grooming or not she’s an adult, no reason to think she is vulnerable. If anyone told my dad anything about who I slept with at that age I’d be mortified.

I know everyone wants me to be some superhero right now but I’m barely coping so please I just don’t know if I can handle it. He doesn’t coach anymore and hasn’t in 6 years so I’m not worried about that.

alway s remember this is 100% on him.
im sorry you must be disgusted\gutted.
xx

Did he tell you that or did she? If she'd come to London with friends, it's strange that she'd be in a single hotel room and also not be with her friends for two nights running. If she'd come to London on her own to go out with London friends, why was she in a hotel and not staying with them? It doesn't make sense to me and I smell a rat.

It seems the trash has taken itself out OP.

As I said earlier, his immediate admission of what happened suggests he wants to galvanise things into action. I’d wonder if they have some sort of fantasy of running off together.

Im sorry op, you must be in such massive shock. Do you have anyone in RL to speak to?

Oh, OP. Of course you can't carry the ethical burden of your husband's behaviour. That is solely, exclusively his. Ignore the kinds of ignorami who always come out of the woodwork in cases such as these and spout nonsense: i.e. 'well, the wife must have known!' I've seen this only recently in relation to Georgina Chapman, and was incensed.

You've just had the shock of your life - I don't think that's an overexaggeration - and need to give yourself time to process this. You can't do this overnight, and should not place that burden of expectation upon yourself.

You don't have to be a superhero, that's shocking news you've had so please just take care of yourself and regroup. Have you got someone you can rely on for help and support? I agree with others saying not to contact her father, no good will come of it and it wont make you feel better in the long run.

Do your children know?

I'm really sorry OP. This must be unbearably hard. Although I imagine you'll not have any "what if" feelings over someone who's revealed themselves to be so disgusting, it must cast an uncomfortable shadow over your shared history.

As if younger women don't have enough predatory males their own age to contend with, it is heartbreaking when older men who should feel fucking paternal feel sexually entitled instead. I detest this aspect of our porn soaked, patriarchal society.

Certainly paedophile adjacent behaviour at the least. It's not just the physical attraction, it's the arousal from deep power imbalances and lack of proper consent. (Be prepared for the girl to feel that this wasn't truly consensual once she's had a chance to process what has happened. Similar happened to my friend, including that the "trusted adult" male befriended my friend's parents long before the attack. I don't think the public understands what a long game grooming can be).

Don’t worry about all that now OP, I wouldn’t do anything atm other than look after yourself and speak to someone trusted. Just getting through each day will be enough for now 💐

I would contact the parents. Let them try to find out if anything happened when she was under 16 .
That's awful behaviour.

he knew her when she was 9-12,

I couldn't get past this. Everything else, possibly but that makes me really uncomfortable, especially in a coach/ student child relationship. Totally different as falling for someone maybe 25 younger but still on the same level.

What do you do?
Give yourself the right to scream, cry and anything HEALTHY that helps you manage the news.
Some people take on running or any sport, to empty their head.

Where will you be if you divorce? Finances and all? If you can put everything on the table and see what your best interest is.

good luck.

I wouldn't get too bogged down in the "did he/didn't he groom her" stuff. You'll never know and the end result for you is the same : he arranged a date with another woman, and then had sex with her. This is enough to end a marriage over. It's good that he has gone to his Mums. I would take all the time you need to process this, and ignore any contact from him.

If you really thunk about things, was everything good in your marriage. I bet not, as I don't think happy people do these things. This might just be the push needed to end things, it's hard evidence of something very wrong, rather than just a feeling.