He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

I really want to agree with what you say, but as someone who was a victim of csa I really can't.

Women have real agency when the context allows it. If the sex had been between her and the younger man I would feel she made a choice, even if the younger man was married, but I just can't get past the fact that he coached her from primary school and is 30 years older. Gross.

Yeah, I know what you mean. It's completely gross on so many levels.

What a depressing comment. You think a 20 year old girl “lured” a 50 year old man to her hotel? So you think she had agency and he didn’t? You’re either a man or you should work on your internalised misogyny.

Ok, basically it was consensual; however I still think is not right he kept in touch with her, invited to his birthday, took her to the hotel.

He was probably having that fantasy for years and even though she is an adult I do feel he took advantage and groomed her it in a certain way until she was an adult to make that decision. At 20 you are still very young and immature.

Take care OP. What shocking news for you and your daughters; not sure how you moved from this.

My father had a midlife crisis, met a woman in her early 20s, she was from quite a poor background so probably wanted to scape. They are still together 35 years after and had a child who is an adult now. We never spoke to him again, we did at the begging but have not done so for many years. My mum is ok but don’t think she ever moved from it completely, she sacrificed everything to raise 4 teens, writing this bring tears to my eyes for all she did for us. She was early 40s when she was left alone with 4 teenagers and had never worked before.

I’m so sorry you were a victim of CSA. I hope you are as ok as possible.

As someone who works with victims of grooming, I could not agree with you more. As I said above, I am really concerned at how little understanding of the concept of grooming many posters on this thread have. Maybe because I deal with it day in and day out, I have lost sight of how little it is understood by the public.

Grooming or not, I wouldn't talk to him ever again if he was my partner, dad, friend. It's fucking disgusting.

@Christl78

Perhaps she was flirting him all night and then she lured him back to the hotel.

Jesus Christ.

On his part I would imagine this was completely premeditated.

Pig.

A 20 year old woman is an adult. Not fully developed yet but yes she has agency. And I have seen that happening tbh from a few 20-25 year olds. She’s not innocent and of course he is way worse as at 50 years old he should have known bettet. Amd yes he is disugisting for sleeping with a 20 year old he ised to coach.

OP I read your initial post & then your further posts.
It is actually helpful that your Dd contacted this girl re any previous encounters so you know. You can 'put to bed' any thoughts re that & focus on yourself now.

The fact is however that your H not only slept with a girl old enough to be his own Dd but he crossed a boundary with an old 'family friend / work contact' too.
BOTH of those are awful. Thirdly, and probably most important to you atm
He has completely betrayed you.
Whether you can (or even wish to try) to 'come back' from that is something it may take time to decide. Meantime you need space & time to feel what you feel.

This is what I think .
He spend time alone with this kid then kept in touch with her parents .
As soon as she was “old” enough and he had the chance he jumped at it.
He has always had this in him. .

OP there is no going back .
You need to quietly get your ducks in a row then hit hm with what he deserves.

This poor woman’s life has just imploded! Please let her deal with one fallout at a time.

yes, I agree, it’s completely abhorrent what he’s done, to sleep with a young woman he used to coach is disgusting and morally wrong, but I don’t think all the allegations of grooming and hounding this lady to inform the girls father and authorities is going to help her at the moment. This can be sorted in time if and when she chooses to.

it’s also easy to jump to conclusions, and not really understand the full extent of things.
reading the updates, the contact he’s kept with this young woman could have been no more than a Facebook friend with no private messaging etc - the wife has said the contact was typically a ‘happy birthday’ and so they may have been Facebook friends and a public happy birthday, hope all is well comment does not scream exploitation and abuse.

I agree inviting her to his birthday seems off but again, from updates it sounds she is friends with the child of the husbands mate who is also a coach - could it not be that she was not invited along as part of their group?

also doesn’t sound like he arranged to meet her for a date - he went out with his friend and this young woman admen the friends child joined them.

he has not seen the girl since she was 10/11 - his interest may have been no more than genuine encouragement to do well at her sport. He was friends with her parents, they clearly wanted her to do well also otherwise they would not be paying for all the extra sessions. Clearly the post raises alarm bells and if his behaviour is found to have been inappropriate then yes, report him and encourage the young woman to do the same!

i do find it grim that her slept with someone he knew as a child and that makes my stomach churn, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he has groomed her and manipulated this situation for over a decade to get to this stage when he has not seen her and she’s lived far way since she was 10.

This won’t go down well, but who’s to say this girl hasn’t had a bit of an adolescent crush on her coach? Sessions before and after school, perhaps she didn’t actually spend much time with her own parents and the coach gave her attention she wasn’t getting at home and she’s formed an unhealthy attachment?

I’ve known girls when we were 20 who thought ‘seducing’ an older married man was a bit of a game and proof of their desirability.

only this young woman and pig of a husband know the full details, but the wife is the one in the blast zone and seeking support for herself and own children right now, and how to navigate the hurt she is currently feeling, please don’t make her feel worse

It doesn't matter if young women flirt with older men, it's on the older man to ignore it or stop it in its tracks.

@PastaBelly

This won’t go down well, but who’s to say this girl hasn’t had a bit of an adolescent crush on her coach? Sessions before and after school, perhaps she didn’t actually spend much time with her own parents and the coach gave her attention she wasn’t getting at home and she’s formed an unhealthy attachment?

I’ve known girls when we were 20 who thought ‘seducing’ an older married man was a bit of a game and proof of their desirability.

So? If she formed an unhealthy attachment as a child and later 'seduced' him, how does it make it any less awful for him (at 30 years her senior and previously in a position of trust) to have gone ahead with it? I don't understand what difference it makes the outcome.

I’m not saying it makes it any less awful, I think he’s absolutely vile for what he’s done and I myself would have serious concerns.

I just don’t feel it’s fair for OP to be hounded by accusations of grooming or suggestions her husband has a predilection to children are helping her right now - her issues and hurt and seeking support on here are because her marriage is ending due to infidelity. Clearly the fact he knew this woman as a child makes OP feel even worse, I just don’t think she needs bombarding with demands to tell this girls father/authorities right now. It’s too much. She can deal with this issue when she feels ready. She’s explained she feels sick given he knew her as a child. She’s asking how to cope with the breakdown of her marriage, not for advice on grooming and how to help this young girl.

he is totally out of order for what he’s done, I’m not diminishing that, I just feel for OP and think this post has gone awry with the focus being on people wanting justice for this young girl (which she should get if groomed) when OP isn’t asking for this. I’m sure she is feeling heartbroken enough without people guilt tripping her in to trying to save this young girl and adding child sexual abuse on to her already extremely tough situation

Amen, @PastaBelly.

Hope you're okay and getting support IRL, OP

Sadly @PastaBelly as much as I utterly agree with every word, the ridiculous posters on here have already chased away a woman desperately in need of empathy and support.

I just hope she's ok.

The power imbalance between coach and children cannot be underestimated. Children want to please, they want to feel special, they want to do well, they want to be told they’re good and can be better with extra help and attention. Some of them really crave that attention too for all sort of reasons.

The sway he has had over her won’t have dissipated just because she’s a young adult.
THAT’S why it’s gross.
I bet she feels awful, on all fronts.

I agree. Obviously, I feel for the OP but I also feel awful for the young woman. He is a groomer and an abuser.

This!

Exactly this - it was the OP who posted for support, not the young woman. Some of the responses have been deeply unfair, and put huge pressure on the OP who needed someone to talk to.

I think some people should be ashamed of themselves for hounding an already traumatised woman. She was not her husband's keeper!

@Lookslikelou I doubt you are even still reading but if you are, I hope you are getting through this the best you can x

Op is not being hounded with accusations of grooming. Her husband is. People are generally supportive of OP and that has been made very very clear.

Revolting. Start divorce proceedings and get rid!

You realise this thread is 11 weeks old? Bit late to the party.