He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

Quite right too, OP: if she was still underage then obviously her parents should know, but she's a grown adult and presumably not otherwise vulnerable. If there were any historic abuse claims to be made or the like, they would be led by and come from her, not her parents - it's nothing to do with her dad (now).

Your daughter sounds lovely for helping you but also being kind to the girl.

I agree this is awful but yes. Legal so you don't need to contact her family it would be different if you all socialised together/kept in touch as a group but that's not the case & realistically he will get away with this

You need to work on your decision about your marriage & not let everybody sway your opinions
Do what you want to do.

Forget Mumsnet.
Look after yourself now.
I wish you every luck and best wishes.
It’s such a shock an affair. Ignore this site now, and look after yourself.

Perhaps name change and get advice on your steps, when you feel up to it, but separate from this story.

@Lookslikelou -as i said Him\his actions is 100% on him.
You-absolutely focus on you right now.x

No advice, but just sending hugs for what is an unbelievably horrendous situation.

A very mature and suitable message to send, your DD sounds as if she understands the possible implications without you contacting a grown woman's Dad, and wants answers herself. Hang on in there, try not to relive all the year's that he has been coaching and focus on you getting through the day with close friends to support you. Regardless of who it was, its still an awful thing to go through :-(

Hopefully she will respond to your daughter ❤

@Lookslikelou ’he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 ’
please tell me that he wasn’t alone with her during any of her ‘extra’ coaching sessions.
I’m a female sports coach and I wouldn’t be alone like this with any of my girls - it’s a massive breech of safeguarding to be one-on-one without an other coach, adult, parent or even child present
Her ‘pushy’ parents are a good cover for grooming. As is needing extra coaching. As coaches we are not supposed to play favourites.

He’s a shit bag of the worst kind, you have my sympathy. What a pig.

I would feel far worse about this than if it had been someone nearer our age. It feels like gross and grooming vibes, was he attracted to her when she was underage and that's why he stayed in touch etc. Its gross, I could never get over it enough to stay. His daughter will also find this appalling, he fucked up a treat here!

The only advice I would give is to look after yourself first and foremost. Do things in the short term that give you comfort, be that nice food or favourite films, etc. Get support from family and friends in real life that you can trust.

Consider getting professional advice as soon as you feel you can., so you’re in the best possible position to remove this man from your life.

None of this is your fault, you don’t owe your DH or this girl, or her DF anything. Look after you, you can and will cope.

First off - you haven't done anything wrong here. Nothing at all.

You need to take things at your own pace. Get to a solicitor - one that deals with family law and divorces and start the ball rolling there.

I am so sorry that you find yourself having to deal with this but your former husband is sleazy to say the very least. As you said yourself he has known her since she was a little girl...it's grim. She also shouldn't have acted on her urges knowing that he was a married man with a family but he is the one more at fault here.

Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you and your daughter op. What an awful situation to be in, not just the betrayal but the depth of his relationship with the young girl that he had been coaching.
What a silly man, giving up his marriage for a one night stand with someone younger than his daughter. Men really never cease to amaze me.
I really feel for you all, sending hugs and strength.

I’ve not read all of the reply’s just yours. Honestly I’m an adult social worker, and I agree with you. No need to report this to her dad. She’s 20. It’s disgusting, but she’s an adult. If there is anyone that needs to be aware in terms of safeguarding it would be his employer if he still works with underage kids as he’s in a position of trust, and they can make a judgement on the risk to other people he works with. But ultimately, there’s no evidence that this started prior to her becoming and adult and he’s not been her coach in years. It’s vile but I’ve heard of student and teachers meeting years after the student leaves school and that isnt seen a breaching their position of trust so ignore everyone making this something you need to take action on. Unless she replies to your daughter with anything that makes it illegal then forget about her. Concentrate on getting yourself through it

There's no indication that anything happened before the girl was a full adult, she's 20 now!

This has nothing to do with the OP, she would have had a duty to do something if a 12 year old child was involved, not with an adult!

You can imagine what you want if you are that twisted but keep your imagination to yourself? You are not helping the wife here.

To put things into perspective, the French President is 25 years younger than his wife. The way they met is questionable to say the least, but no one is getting carried away there either.

I bet she told him at the party that she fancied him (some sort of daddy hunger on her part). He got flattered and excited. They went to bed. It was weird. He regretted it and now it’s all a mess. Look after yourself OP xxx

I'd be wanting to have a good look at his phone and his social media messages OP. I'd want to know when he started getting all pally with her and what sort of messages were exchanged.

Your DD message is very sensible- hopefully the woman will respond.

She is an adult - so this is nothing to do with her dad. No one has proof that anything happened years ago. I know someone who married a former student. They met again several years after she graduated - she made it very clear to people who asked questions that nothing happened when she was a student.

OP, I hope you have a lot of support and practical help as you move forward. You do not have to answer any calls from his mother - especially if you think she will minimise what he’s done so you take him back.

Obviously totally gross. But it's a big jump to imply he deffo groomed her as a child.
Atm all you can do is act on the facts:
They slept together as two adults, I'm sure more information will come numbering out.

I actually think he is 100% to blame here. Normally I am of the opinion that the other party is just as much to blame as the married one, but in this case, where there has been grooming, it is different. It isn't like an affair or one night stand, it is abuse.

The girl replied to DD I’ll try to summarise.

she said she was safe and will answer any questions and she is sorry.

According to the girl the drinks were initially another coach and DH, (this makes sense he is friends with this guy still). She was with other young people who were part of the club one of whom is the other guys son, he suggested they all meet up with the “old coaches” so they did. She and my husband were the last two there, he offered to take her back to her hotel and things went from there.

DD asked if anything happened before and the girl replied
Ew no, I was a child why would you ask that?

Im not mentally in a place to analyse these but I’m sure someone here will.

I can only imagine how awful that must have been to hear OP. You'll, understandably, be in shock. Please take the time you need and look after yourself.

Count your blessings, you have lost approximately 13 stone and it's only the 14th of January! Your husband is revolting. Get the wheels in motion for a quickie divorce and enjoy your second life without him. He can spend his older years leering at young women if that's his thing, but he won't be anything to do with you by then. Good luck.

What was she thinking????

I’m sorry this happened, the girl will likely look back on this with more age and experience and see how gross it is. But she wouldn’t have done it if she could see that now.

But honestly you don’t need to worry about any of that. Look after yourself. Tell your daughter to ignore the girl now. This is on your husband.

Oh yes of course, he taught her before and after school for no reason, kept in contact with her when she moved away and randomly knew she was in the UK at new years so invited her to a party……….yes not grooming at all……..