He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

He didn’t really have any other girls he coached so much and on their own. Her parents were “pushy” according to him so she had coaching before school, after school etc.

Im devastated and shocked I had no idea this could happen. I didn’t even know he was still in touch with her more than birthday wishes etc.

I truly don’t believe he is a pedophile but it makes me sick he would sleep with someone so young regardless.

That is gross. LTB

He’s just ruined two families.

What a dreadful shock for you to deal with. He's been interested in her for over 10 years and I hate to say it but it sounds like she's been groomed. It seems a bit odd for him to invite her to his birthday party, especially as she lives far enough away to need to book a hotel. Why was she still in the hotel the following night? Has he paid for it? Why did he go and meet her the next night without you and without telling you he was meeting her? It's nonsense for him to blame it on being drunk - he planned the meeting while he was sober and lied to you about what he was doing. He's blown up his marriage and you deserve better. I'm so sorry you're having to cope with this and I hope you won't be reluctant to reach out to friends and family to support you.

Why would he even be sending her birthday wishes?

I think you need to get to the bottom of when it actually became sexual.

Please report him to his professional coaching body.
Divorce him, get the best lawyer you can afford.

He groomed her, that’s awful. I bet he had every intention of sleeping with her when she agreed to meet him. Sorry OP, this is a really horrible situation for you. The only comfort I can offer you is that it will get easier in time.

Absolutely 100%. It seems worse that he knew her as a child and then it's almost like he kept tabs on her as she was growing up. Almost like he was preparing for the day when she'd be old enough to approach 🤢

Does he accept that what he did was wrong, not just cheating on you, but the fact that he had known this person as a young child?

YOu need to report him to the police.

He is a potential groomer and abuser

My ex did the same, went off with a 19 year old, gross isn't op. Sorry you will feel better eventually. Not with him though.

Urghhh that's disgusting!

Tbh it doesn't matter why he did it, he made a conscious decision to lie to you to meet her, then another adult conscious decision to sleep with her.

My DH cheated on me and I tried for a further 3 years to get past it, but I couldn't. Take care of yourself, you don't have to make any decisions yet, take time out if you need to. This is ALL on him.

Gross. Sounds like she’s been groomed. Absolutely yuck. If I was his daughter I wouldn’t want anything to do with him either.

I could never touch him or look at him the same way again.

He’s disgusting. Chuck him out to get some space. The fact he’s been honest straight away suggests he’s checked out anyway and is looking for a way out.

There is a massive power difference and your husband has abused his power

There's no talking this one down from what it is.

It's an open and shut case of grooming. He kept in touch with her parents first and only when she was older did he turn that correspondence exclusively to her. And asking, as a PP does above, what she was thinking really negates this point, and minimizes the true seriousness of the behaviour. If she was groomed, as she almost certainly was, then placing responsibility on the victim only exercerbates this problem.

The story of Hayley McGregor, who wrote a moving and equally disturbing book about her experiences of being groomed by a teacher, shows the MO of men like this. OP, if you're in any doubt of what has happened here then please do read that book. McGregor is a remarkably brave and compassionate woman whose only wish in writing this memoir is to protect others, as well as to bring her abuser to justice.

Please understand that this is not your fault and it's not about you. It's about your 'husband' exploiting his position as a coach to groom a vulnerable, much younger person. This is in no way a straightforward case of mere cheating. It's much more serious.

You poor woman. You have an awful thing to process, and I can only imagine how devastating this realization must be. You are a secondary victim of his behaviour. Please don't forget that.

I'm so sorry. This actually happened to someone I know. Very similar scenario. She stood by her DH. As a result, neither of them see their grandchild (their kids obviously don't trust him and also blame her for the poor judgement she showed by sticking with him). So yeah, this may well have implications for your own children going forward).

I know it doesn't help you today, but how you get over it is time. Today is quite possibly your worst day; and in time you'll be skipping down the street knowing you don't have to end out your days with a pig of a man.

Do people think the police are worth a call here - did he groom her from young?

Seems unlikely she came to stay in a hotel for an old coaches birthday party.

He cheated on you so as you rightly say, your marriage is over. What you can’t now assume is that he wasn’t grooming her too. I would be very concerned about this and use that disgust and anger to leave him ASAP. I would be concerned enough that I would feel the need to tell her parents too.

This. Please do report him to the coaching body - it is really important that they investigate this and take the appropriate action against him (which will likely involve banning him from coaching). This isn't about taking revenge - it is about safeguarding other young women.

How likely would it be for a 20 year old to sleep with your 50 year old DH without the former coaching relationship? Setting aside the fact that he was cheating, how inappropriate is it for a 50 year old adult to have sex with a very young woman that he has known since she was a child.

He may not be a paedophile, but it's still deeply inappropriate on many levels.

As has been suggested, speak to her family.

you need to wake up to the idea that he groomed her and open your eyes. You owe it the vulnerable people in our society

We live in London, she was here to go out with friends for new years. He invited her to the party once he knew she would be here, though how he knew I’m not sure.

I’d also be wondering if anything happened between them when she was younger 🤮

But he’s waited until shes a more “acceptable” age to out their relationship.