Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

478 replies

Lookslikelou · 14/01/2025 10:58

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

OP posts:
Endofyear · 14/01/2025 12:33

Lookslikelou · 14/01/2025 12:31

Since some are adamant I need to contact her dad, how do you suppose I do this when I don’t know the man at all? They moved to a whole different country it’s not like I see him often or anything??

I don't think you should contact her dad. She's a 20 year old woman and it's really nothing to do with him.

MeAndBoqDrivesmemad · 14/01/2025 12:34

You are complicit in the grooming and exploitation of young people

Fuck off with this. What a stupid thing to say.

The woman is an adult. While it’s icky and weird no crime has been committed.

SwankyPants · 14/01/2025 12:34

Lookslikelou · 14/01/2025 12:31

Since some are adamant I need to contact her dad, how do you suppose I do this when I don’t know the man at all? They moved to a whole different country it’s not like I see him often or anything??

Ignore those posters, right now you have to take care of you.
So sorry this has happened x

pinkdelight · 14/01/2025 12:34

Lookslikelou · 14/01/2025 12:31

Since some are adamant I need to contact her dad, how do you suppose I do this when I don’t know the man at all? They moved to a whole different country it’s not like I see him often or anything??

You don't need to. Ignore all that. She's a grown up now and doesn't need you involving her dad. You have enough to deal with.

unbelieveable22 · 14/01/2025 12:35

SerafinasGoose · 14/01/2025 12:23

OP is not complicit. This is a horrendous thing to say.

Show quote history

Agree. @Lookslikelou is in shock and trying to process everything. It cannot be easy. She is not looking to be vilified but needing support as she works through it all.
@Nevergettheusername shameful thing to say.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/01/2025 12:36

Actually if you had wanted to contact her father - there is a good chance he is a ' friend ' of hers on Facebook.
Obiv you wouldn't tell him in a Facebook message, you would merely ask him to contact you.

MeAndBoqDrivesmemad · 14/01/2025 12:37

Did he tell you that or did she? If she'd come to London with friends, it's strange that she'd be in a single hotel room and also not be with her friends for two nights running. If she'd come to London on her own to go out with London friends, why was she in a hotel and not staying with them? It doesn't make sense to me and I smell a rat

I agree.

flippinnorrra · 14/01/2025 12:37

Lookslikelou · 14/01/2025 12:31

Since some are adamant I need to contact her dad, how do you suppose I do this when I don’t know the man at all? They moved to a whole different country it’s not like I see him often or anything??

You had a terrible shock. You have no evidence beyond speculation she was being groomed.
I'd sort your own house out first before looking into this further, when / if you feel you want to. If anything, I'd be inclined to get her side of the story. Perhaps there has been more contact than you know about, and you might be able to draw conclusions from that.
To be honest, the fact he seems to have walked away without making any play to save your marriage would make me wonder whether he was hoping to pursue something further with her?

Givemethestrength · 14/01/2025 12:37

The fact he had sex with someone he spent so much time with when she was a young child would make me feel physically sick and would be all the closure I'd need!

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 14/01/2025 12:39

So contact the dad or not, that's the end of your marriage at the very least. Christ knows how your poor kids will cope with knowing what their father has done - you can divorce him, they're stuck with him for ever. What a dirty old bastard.

poemsandwine · 14/01/2025 12:39

Lookslikelou · 14/01/2025 12:31

Since some are adamant I need to contact her dad, how do you suppose I do this when I don’t know the man at all? They moved to a whole different country it’s not like I see him often or anything??

Don't do that. She's an adult.

I'd worry about your husband. The fact that he has known her since she was a child would give me the absolute biggest ick. Did he wait for her to grow up? It's turning my stomach. I wouldn't want him near me.

Joyfulspringflowers · 14/01/2025 12:40

I think it's totally out of order the way some pp are talking as though OP is complicit in his behaviour.

She has had a tremendous shock.

It does appear he has been grooming the young woman, and that this invite to the party and the date which led to the sex were planned
But what I don't understand is why he told OP about the sex. It's sounds as though by telling her he wants OP to end the marriage. I wonder if he actually wants to pursue the relationship with the young woman.

Original poster
Lookslikelou · 14/01/2025 12:41

My DD has taken it upon herself to message the girl. I didn’t ask her to.

DD says she messaged her just saying

“Hi, this is super awkward but I need some clarity and I’m hoping you can give me. My dad confessed about what happened between you and him. Please don’t lie about it. Can you tell me how this came about? Are you safe for one?”

DD has also said that new year story checks out as there are pictures of her with her friends on her instagram at new year and she is back in the other country now.

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 14/01/2025 12:41

Lookslikelou · 14/01/2025 12:31

Since some are adamant I need to contact her dad, how do you suppose I do this when I don’t know the man at all? They moved to a whole different country it’s not like I see him often or anything??

Ignore those fools telling you to contact her dad. They're just looking to add further fuel to the fire so they can enjoy watching the flames.

SparklyNewMe · 14/01/2025 12:43

OP, first of all, hugs. You don’t need to do anything other than take care of yourself, your children and your exit strategy. Keeping your mouth shut can be the hardest thing of all, and can save you from further drama. So, do what you need to do, take care of your business and health and do not drag yourself down with analysis, telling her dad etc. There is nothing to be learnt from this, he is a middle aged loser now by his own doing, you just figure out how to heal and get a good divorce.

SerafinasGoose · 14/01/2025 12:44

@BigSilly.

McGregor was sixteen - or possibly almost sixteen - when her repulsive teacher first had penetrative sex with her. The legal age of consent. He was very careful to make that demarcation, excepting that when the girl has been their student, I believe the age of consent rises to eighteen.

Some years prior to this, according to her, they were engaging in other sexual acts which stopped short of penetration. He had left McGregor's school some time before full sex took place, and was only able to do this thanks to having kept up a correspondence with her parents using the convenient bonding tactic of their shared football team.

He was a repulsive groomer who has served prison time for it. What I am drawing attention to are the similarities in the pattern of behaviour here.

outerspacepotato · 14/01/2025 12:45

It sounds very much like he groomed her.

Lawyer up ASAP. Find a therapist.

Ceecee2422 · 14/01/2025 12:45

Erm, you get him arrested for grooming a child that’s what you do………

SerafinasGoose · 14/01/2025 12:46

Joyfulspringflowers · 14/01/2025 12:40

I think it's totally out of order the way some pp are talking as though OP is complicit in his behaviour.

She has had a tremendous shock.

It does appear he has been grooming the young woman, and that this invite to the party and the date which led to the sex were planned
But what I don't understand is why he told OP about the sex. It's sounds as though by telling her he wants OP to end the marriage. I wonder if he actually wants to pursue the relationship with the young woman.

Edited

Or to ensure she hears it from him first so that he can minimise the situation. They never tell the whole truth.

He's already proved that he's extremely manipulative.

Zonder · 14/01/2025 12:47

It's good you told your DD. And shocking he hasn't tried to contact you. Do your DDs have contact with him? I would tell your other DD I'm case he speaks to her and assumes she knows.

ACynicalDad · 14/01/2025 12:48

Report him to the safeguarding officer of his sport’s governing body.

Sasskitty · 14/01/2025 12:48

SparklyNewMe · 14/01/2025 12:43

OP, first of all, hugs. You don’t need to do anything other than take care of yourself, your children and your exit strategy. Keeping your mouth shut can be the hardest thing of all, and can save you from further drama. So, do what you need to do, take care of your business and health and do not drag yourself down with analysis, telling her dad etc. There is nothing to be learnt from this, he is a middle aged loser now by his own doing, you just figure out how to heal and get a good divorce.

Agree 💯. This is the best way to move on from today OP. Forget your shitty husband, he’s history. Forget the other dad, the adult girl. It doesn’t matter now, there’s nothing to gain from exploring further. You know the outcome and there’s no going back. It’s time to look after yourself and your children will look after you too.

After a few days arrange to see a solicitor. So you know where you stand and what needs to be done to separate your lives to your advantage. Hopefully he’ll stay with his mum.

Good luck xx

Likewhatever · 14/01/2025 12:50

OP I don’t think you should torture yourself with possibilities. She’s an adult, she’ll come to her own decision about the appropriateness of the relationship in the fullness of time. If there was every anything inappropriate when she was younger it will come to light. It isn’t your responsibility, and you certainly don’t need to tell her father.

All you can do is look at what you know, and what he’s admitted to, and how you feel about your marriage from this point on.

Chroniclesofstress · 14/01/2025 12:50

I would be incredibly surprised if this was a simple one off. Given the years of contact he has maintained, it does very much look like grooming - why else would a man 30y older than his student maintain consistent contact and instigate a party invite. It’s predatory and vile.

OP, please ensure you get this man out of your house as soon as possible. You need space and time to come to terms with what has happened.

I see no benefit in you trying to contact the father of this young woman as she is an adult. What will that achieve? He can’t do anything.

Ceecee2422 · 14/01/2025 12:51

Also as someone previously stated you get a good lawyer because this is going to get very messy, especially when her parents find out that she was sent to coaching sessions with someone at that age that has now slept with her………I would imagine it has been going on longer or at the very least the intention was already there………..

Swipe left for the next trending thread