He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

I have told my older daughter only because she caught me crying. My younger daughter is away at uni so she doesn’t know.

I agree but then why did he tell her? It's very odd.

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP 🙏

Just read the updates. That's so sad she lost her mum at such a younge age.
He sounds even worse now.
Hopefully she seen sense as doesn't have anything else to do with him

(Be prepared for the girl to feel that this wasn't truly consensual once she's had a chance to process what has happened. Similar happened to my friend, including that the "trusted adult" male befriended my friend's parents long before the attack. I don't think the public understands what a long game grooming can be).

It's a pattern. There are so many cases which are disturbingly, almost predictably similar.

The girls usually do say in the first instance that they fell for the men concerned and the whole interaction was entirely consensual. This ofc is often seen as a 'get out of jail free' card for the groomer: case in point the teacher Jeremy Forrest.

The understanding - often very damaging - of what's really happened to them comes much later. Sometimes years later.

OP is not complicit. This is a horrendous thing to say.

This.

Bwoak surely you’ve lost respect for this man

Hmm.... let's not go overboard with all sorts of conspiracies that he 'groomed her' and is a potential predator and so on. That's just too much. He had a romp with her as an adult. There was familiarity there.

He groomed her. Tell your daughters what he has done.

I will say this one last time.

I am not contacting her dad.

My eldest daughter is loosely friends with this girl (they went to the same school in primary and have had each other on social media). That is the extent of contact I have to this girl.

I don’t know her dad at all, I don’t know where I would find his info and as someone who grew up with an abusive dad the last thing I’d have wanted is for my dad to know about anything to do with me.
Call me morally corrupt or whatever but I just can’t handle it right now, and any suggestions that I need to do more than simply survive right now might push me into a breakdown so can everyone please stop.

The fact that he had to get her drunk first is worst.
I bet he plied her with alcohol and then escorted her back to her room.

The OP isn’t complicit.

She is another victim of his inability to keep it in his pants.

It's there, in black-and-white, in the original post. It's also there in the many matching stories told by women who have also come out on the other side of this. This type of behaviour has a pattern.

You've done nothing wrong, OP. Nothing. ❤

OP I'm so sorry, what an awful shock. You've done the right thing by telling him to leave, you need time and space to get your head around this 😔

It's likely that she developed a crush on him and he is flattered by her attention - but that is not an excuse for his behaviour. He's been an absolute fool to risk his marriage for an illicit thrill with someone so much younger and it has the added ick factor that he's known her since she was a child.

At the moment you're reeling from the shock so take your time to think about what you want to happen next. Look at your financial situation and get some legal advice. You don't need to make any snap decisions. Do you have a close friend who can support you and you can talk to? Figure out what's right for you. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Oh ffs this wasn’t a random young woman he met in a bar and had a one nighter with. This was someone he’d known and coached since childhood.
Even in the unlikely scenario he didn’t groom her, the whole thing is still creepy, sleazy and predatory as fuck.

First just take care of yourself. How much support do you have? Are you able to take a few days off work?

When you are ready then I would prepare a short version of this to present to the wider world along the lines of,Unfortunately our marriage is over due to infidelity on Dave’s part with a very much younger woman.’

I wouldn’t get involved with a lot of speculation on whether he has groomed her etc it can only possibly upset you further and unfortunately people love a juicy story to gossip about ( will soon move on though).

You need a solid group of loyal friends and family who will just be there for you and he can stay at his Mums and feel sad with her.

Sorry what a horrible situation.

He is a low life for sure but idon't think anything sexual has happened before given how much her husband has changed since the incident.
The Hayley macgregor case was completely different because he had sex with her when she was just 15 years old. This is a grown woman who is allowed to have consensual sex with whoever she wants.

Since some are adamant I need to contact her dad, how do you suppose I do this when I don’t know the man at all? They moved to a whole different country it’s not like I see him often or anything??

Please stop abusing the OP. She is quite right not to involve the girl’s father. No one knows what happens behind closed doors.

Sling it, why don't you?

Don’t contact her Dad. You are right by not contacting him. She is an adult. Focus on you right now. Sending hugs! 💐

That’s a fair point, one has to hope that is true. It doesn’t exonerate him from grooming though and trying to set this up for some time.

A couple of the girls who were groomed by teachers at my school didn’t start a relationship until they’d left but that doesn’t make it ok. Students should not be a source of sexual relationships for the future.