I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

[SeamsLegit]

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

I agree. I do have some empathy for OP just because it must on one level feel like a prophecy which she is trapped by, but it isn't really. I would suggest that she seriously cuts down the amount of energy she expends on her mother, and put that energy into self work and reframing.

He wouldn't go to the doctor about his non existent sex drive, he didn't go to a chemist, he began filling in forms online for viagra but abandoned them as 'too complicated'.[...] But it has now come to the point where I no longer want to have sex with him (although my sex drive has increased dramatically!) and the thought of him actually coming on to me is rather alarming! I felt undesirable and unwanted sexually for all of last year.

You feel rejected by him. And this is also tied up and muddled up with the rejection you felt from your mother, which is re-surfacing as you are now caring for her.
Plus you are around the menopause age, which could also be wreaking havoc. You have to make allowances for this - it is a temporary phase and you could feel totally different about sex in five or eight years time.

Don't rush into divorce. Go to therapy for yourself, and also go to couples therapy with a different therapist.
I suggest you give 100% of effort into making the marriage work, and wait five years (which is not a long time in the context of your whole life).

You can divorce later if you still want to, with a clear conscience knowing you gave it all you could to make it work.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. According to your first few sentences it sounds like this man is a wonderful husband & father and you are missing the intimate side of your relationship. This is totally understandable & something that many couples find will ebb & flow depending on circumstances. I definitely think throwing away your family for the reasons you have highlighted is precipitous, especially without trying counselling or at the very least being open and taking loads of time discussing how to make you both feel more inclined to be intimate together.

If you end your marriage & go seeking out the passion, romance & excitement you desire it might not meet your expectations. You may find yourself jumping from one man to another without ever being satisfied and with your DH happy & settled with another woman giving your children a stable life within a new unit when its their turn to have them. Food for thought indeed. I wish you all the best whatever happens OP.

You can't put a price on love, support and stability. Is sex more important to you than that? I think you'll really live to regret this choice and it will have a huge detrimental impact on your kids too. Ultimately, I think you're responsible for putting the spark back. Therapy, travel, hobbies, exploring your own sexuality... all things that you can do while still together.

The no sex thing wouldn't bother me the slightest, if he's a good man.
Everyone is different.
Don't panic, you made the first step.
Good luck. 🍀

Am sorry for you both - that something which was supposed to make sex better and less problematic has made it harder and in fact made it stop altogether. There must be quite a lot of grief there, spoken or not, on both sides. 2023 isn’t that far away, even if it feels like a lifetime ago!

If the physical life you shared was that good that recently, and he was willing to get a vasectomy for you both in order you could both enjoy it more spontaneously and without health impact for you, I would suggest a) that it’s not worth throwing away the thought it might be good again yet until you have walked down this road a bit more and b) the fact you have such a clear before and after - great sex to no sex - could make it harder for either of you to initiate again than if it had just melted away over years. You’re not used to this dynamic - not used to having to put in a lot of unsexy work in order to do the opposite. Unlike all the people here whose partners have ED, fell out of love gradually etc..

My suggestion would be to make “his problems” something you are happy (even happier!) to help him get through. Your shared problems and solutions. Filling in his Viagra form and dropping it off (you can get it OTC now - there is no need to wait for him to resolve this one.) Saying you will go to the GP with him, finding a BACP registered sex therapist who you can talk it out with, setting a date 3 months hence when you will go away together without kids with the aim of rekindling things a little there, taking time to notice what he does / wears that you find attractive and what he is good at .. ie. try a few small things and see if you can slowly change the dynamic a little bit, without needing to raise either of your expectations too much all at once.

Am not an expert! But have some personal experience that gives me a lot of sympathy with where you are at.

Dear @SeamsLegit
I haven’t read all the posts on here as am at work but just wanted to jump in case some of my experience is helpful to you xx
Before you do anything real in terms of separating you could try therapy for your sex life.
i have done this and it really helped me. It didn’t help my ex as he had some weird psychological problems - BUT it helped a waning sex drive on my part and made him much more attractive to me. It’s really clever and I can see how it could work between a couple who love eachother but spark has just completely died.
second - he may have a testosterone deficiency - it’s like male menopause and not so understood I think. Again maybe he could see GP or pay privately. I believe taking testosterone in correct dose based on blood tests can help increase his drive. If he’s feeling more sexual it may increase his attractiveness to you? Especially alongside the therapy
There is nothing wrong with you wanting more excitement and wanting sex - these two areas may help you before you take more drastic action especially as he sounds lovely and other area are good and you’re so sad at the thought of it not working..
wish you loads of luck xx

Youve got the ick
Given all the positives, the continued affection, not wanting to upset the children/him/routine/life to risk that without it seems even trying counselling seems rash tbh

Consider counselling, ask him to pursue medical advice there could be hormonal issues at play influencing his sex drive. Really think of impact of a split and whether its worth it for this idealised life of excitement - you have kids and I assume a job opportunities for excitement are constrained by life getting in the way. Have either of really tried to fight for this relationship?

I'm really sorry OP because you sound quite stressed but I'm a bit bemused by your statement that the house is entirely yours. So you're not married, so he's not entitled to the asset at all? So if you end it with him, what, he's got nothing? I'm hoping he's got his own assets and not that he's been paying bills and you've been paying mortgage because if so, hoenstly, you sound as bad as all thosemen who decide life is too hard and boring with a young family.

So from an outside perspective, your DH seems like a good man. Your DM not so much, but you are caring for her which has added to your trauma. I would question why you stepped in to be your mother's carer which as I know is a huge commitment. Before you give up on your marriage I would see if counselling or any other tools might help and I would really consider if you need to be your DMs carer given the trauma she caused to you.

"Passion"

"Romance"

Kindly OP, you live a real life, you have kids, you're not young anymore, and you aren't a character in a TV RomCom.

The figures show that it's mostly women in their 40s who instigate divorce, not sure of the exact figures but it's somewhere like 80% of divorces are started by women. The figures also show that men generally end up in a new relationship whereas the majority of women never do. You can leave for whatever reason you want, but it will change your childrens lives forever. Your relationship with them will change and it will never be the same again.

Just think long and hard before you do anything. The reality is that you probably won't have another relationship, so the passion and romance you crave is irrelevant.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

If it isn’t working for you then it just isn’t, I don’t think people should just slog away at marriages if they are not happy, you only live once and you are still young, try and keep it amicable for all your sakes, especially the children, could he have a claim on the house?

OP have only read your first post and first couple of replies. What happened to for better or worse? That’s the promise you actually made and things aren’t even worse they are just a bit blah.
My marriage is also a tad blah but I’m going nowhere. We have young kids and they are our responsibility. We can’t afford to run two homes and we live a fairly happy but perhaps dull life. My outlet is my friends as I suspect is his.
I permi, somewhat outweight & exhausted. Even if I felt like it the men aren’t going to be lining up!

As well as Esther Perel, also read Andrew G Marshall - I love you but I'm not in love with you. And/or It's not a midlife crisis, it's an opportunity.

Other than that, I can only echo what a lot of others have said. You are repeating the intergenerational trauma. At some point, someone has to say enough, and behave differently to their parent/s. If you don't want your daughter to be the one to deal with it, make it you. Please speak to your partner again, say you spoke out of emotion and you want all that with him, not some fantasy you are chasing.

Both my husband and I have experienced childhood trauma. It nearly broke us, well it did break us and we separated for a year. We have done a lot of work to get back to a good place. It is worth it if you know he is a good man, particularly if he is struggling with his own recovery after an elective procedure that has had longer term unexpected consequences.

Thank you to everyone for replying, although some people are harsh! This is an anonymous forum, I have asked for advice and I've been completely honest about my feelings - can anyone CHOOSE how to feel??

I completely agree with one poster's comment that I am in an emotional storm. I'm waiting on the doctor to call me back. Had a panic attack, called DP crying. He was at my work within 5 minutes. (Like I said, he is a GOOD man.)

I said: I was freaking out, perhaps I'm in perimenopause, I don't know my own mind, I don't want to make a huge mistake, I don't want to hurt him or the kids, I also don't want to give him false hope that it will all work out after all. I told him I obviously need therapy, he says he needs to take action with his low drive, we both agreed that my situation with my mum (now and then) has affected me more than I realised (I was obviously in denial for over 20 years, I genuinely thought it had barely affected me!).

What I do know is, the situation with my mum is having a negative affect on my mental health, I am often sharp and impatient with her, then guilty for that, but also still resentful. I also feel like I'm kicking her while she's down, with all this coming to the surface so many years later. I know I have been distant at home, less patient with the kids, cue more guilt!

So, I agree, therapy needs to happen, I'm going to try to sort it today. I reckon its going to be expensive and last forever, not ideal in these times but needs must.

Genuinely, thank you to everyone who replied with kindness, you have made me feel less alone today

From what you said, I think you really need to think long and hard whether this really is the right decision for you.

Perhaps you are just feeling a bit unsettled and wanting a bit more from life, which doesn't mean you have to tear your family apart. You can have both.

I'm wondering whether the vasectomy has psychologically affected him, and diminished his drive as a result. These things can be talked over. I think you need to spend more time and energy untangling that, rather that cutting ties all together.

I'm hoping this can of worms you have opened allows for you and your husband to have a real heart to heart about what you both want and need from eachother.

Wish you all the best

I'm quoting this because I think it's an important contribution. It reminds me of a friend whose life seemed dominated by mood swings, which she was always told by doctors were to do with her hormones. It wasn't until at some point in her 40s she had a full-scale psychotic episode and was diagnosed as Bipolar 1. Her mania involved hyper sexuality (I think that was what it was called at the time) as well as things like giving random strangers hundreds in cash and inviting homeless people to live with her. She developed a sexual fixation involving a couple of the men she worked with and it all got very messy and sad. Fortunately no children involved. Once she'd been diagnosed it was easy for those of us who'd known her for years to see that there'd been a pattern of depression and non-psychotic highs leading up to the full-on psychotic episode, but at the time we all accepted her as a woman who was just up and down a lot and she was convinced she had ADHD. OP has mentioned MH issues and medication, so something like this is certainly worth looking at.

Ah OP, hugs!

One day at a time. Do what you can for today. Go to the doctor and then sit on the couch for the rest of the day if that’s what you need.

And then tomorrow focus on what you have to do just tomorrow and see if you are up to researching therapists etc.

You have a relationship, OP, one with a man who you love and who loves you, and with whom you share children. If he's willing to get help over the sex thing, keep your mind open to the possibility that you might be able to work through this together.

Or more likely in the OPs case it is a changing level of testosterone/ progesterone/ oestrogen.

I’m so glad I stumbled on this thread. I’m in a similar situation to you OP and feeling a bit claustrophobic, a little unloved and could do with some excitement in my life. My husband is amazing, my DC is happy and settled and we have one on the way. My hormones are insane… this thread has made me feel grateful for what I have instead!

I hope you find peace with whatever you choose to do from here but sometimes it’s good to remember what you have rather than focus on what you don’t.

You've described your dp as a top bloke, I think you're having a midlife crisis.

You can't cohabit and not want to be with him, that's completely having you're cake and eating it and it's really cruel to do that to dp who doesn't want to separate.
That would be bread crumbing him, and if you love him as you say you do,why would you do that to him.

Dp might be a nice man, but I'm sure he's not a mug. If I were you I wouldn't expect a smooth transition from parent to co parent, he is going to be hurt and angry with you for a long time and you will have to deal with that. Seperation & co parenting comes with all sorts of stresses and strains some you wouldn't even think of. It's extremely hard.

Long term relationships do go through sexless phases, it's normal but if your saying you can't stand him near you and you basically don't fancy him or want to be with him then you have got to let him go, for his sake.
I think caring for you're mum has triggered you and you're free falling.

I can't imagin hiw your dp must be feeling right now but you've got to do what's right for you even if you go on the regret it.

This is a terrible thing to say, how dare you judge someone based on so little information about her marriage!

@SeamsLegit there still exists a very damaging narrative that parents should sacrifice their own happiness & sanity by remaining in unhappy marriages for the sake of their children. Don't listen to it.

I've seen it creep in a little on this thread but such an overt & nasty post needs challenging.

No one is obliged to stay in any relationship, no matter how seemingly perfect, if they are unhappy. That includes parents with children and it includes you.

Keep in mind that you have lots of people replying based on general information you have provided.

Ultimately, none of us can tell if you have made a mistake or not. From what you have said, it sounds as if you reacted emotively to ongoing issues that can be addressed and dealt with, they don't need to be fatal to the marriage.

But, all that means nothing if your love for him as your husband has passed. If you've really checked out, then continuing with the marriage is nothing but a lie and unfair to all of you.

You're not being selfish of cruel.

But I do think therapy will help you clarify your feelings for each other, and either help you to fix your relationship or to navigate it's end.

Stop panicking and just talk to him.

@SeamsLegit If you are married, your husband will probably have a claim on your house.

He seems a decent bloke ( from what you have written) - The dating scene for middle aged women is pretty dire from what people say.

You might’ve thrown the baby out with the bath water in asking him to leave .

Making him homeless is really unkind as well- and the kids will doubtless be very upset.

It can and does work. For lots of people. Calm down.