13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.
History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!
I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.
Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient