I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

[SeamsLegit]

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

Agree with this.

Be very careful, you sound like your own worst enemy, but unfortunately some people (with respect, like you) have to find out the hard way.

Perhaps you need to break the cycle of repeating what you learnt from your mother.

You would really benefit from therapy.

I don't want to be rude but it sounds like a classic 'mid life crisis', your own mother clearly went through the same too so maybe you have a predisposition as MH and even hormone traits can be genetic.

I think its not about your relationship or him but entirely about YOU, you are struggling with your own feelings and need to work through them but sudden short term jumps like ending relationships wont fix it therapy is needed. You to all account seem to have a good relationship and family so don't throw it away and regret it later.

What is your end goal for this split? do you just want to go shag other men? It's not that you want a break from sex or that you seek care/companionship (which you seem to have plenty of) and sexual urges can be self satisfied so if not to go chasing it elsewhere (which likely won't fix your feelings) then what about your current emotional situation can't be worked on in your current situation?

Message him now. Say I'm so sorry, I need help. Book a therapist and a peri menopause review with the GP today. (If your doctor is not sympathetic, find another one). Invite him to do the same to see if he'd benefit from hormone supplements.

Please don't blindly do what your mother did. Your eldest is the age you were when she left.

Incidentally, if your partner is the SAHD don't assume you'll get full custody of the children if you do eject him from your house.

You are 40 and biologically some of it could be down to your hormones. Oestrogen begins to drop, and if testosterone is steady, then it is as if testosterone gets a boost. Also, during the 40s, there are times where the body is producing top levels of progesterone and testosterone to give one more push for procreating.

I feel very sorry for your husband (and children).

OP - I also went through something very similar. My husband (we're not divorced) and I became like roommates. He also stopped communicating with me - just stopped talking to me and retreated into his shell. We had separate bedrooms and the sex (which had never been great tbh) stopped completely. I massively had the 'ick.' He's a lovely person but we just weren't right for each other. I managed to overlook that while we were caught up with having young children, but once the kids got old enough that we were starting to live our own lives, it became very obvious that we weren't really compatible. Three years on, I still wonder if I did the right thing ending it - I still haven't really ventured into the world of dating (can't be bothered tbh) but when I think about having sex with my ex husband again, I know I made the right choice! I also love having my own house, and the kids are happy and me and my ex are friends, so it's all fine.

Hang in there. It's really hard ending a relationship where nothing as such has gone 'wrong.' But life is too short not to pursue the life you actually want to lead.

My Mum did this. She had everything anyone could possibly ask for, but she left my Dad for excitement and passion. She found it, married it, and it left her for another woman whilst leaving her his debts. Now she's in her 70's in a tiny flat and lonely. Her life story could have been very different if she hadn't gone chasing some fairytale.

Sometimes when you haven’t had sex for a while it does get awkward initiating it and it does feel weird and you do stop wanting it.
It’s not a realistic expectation that he saunters around like Adam demos in sex life, throwing you in tables and over kitchen benches.

I think it’s a case of fake it until you make it.
A marriage takes work after 2 kids. it’s not like you’ve talked about it it and gone to therapy and still can’t find a balance ?

I think you’re having a mid life crisis, you’re spinning out about unresolved trauma and or you are having a manic/impulsive reaction (which doesn’t mean you’re manic) to a problem in a marriage which is common and could be repaired.

I can’t help but feel that you would have saved yourself a whole lot of bother and costly divorce lawyers if you booked a holiday just the two of you, drank some cocktails on a balmy night,’ packed ridiculously sexy lingerie and watched a b grade sexy movie on Netflix.

Imagine a man coming on here saying that now his wife was older he couldn't face having sex with her and so he had divorced her and they were now coparenting their children. Wonder how you'll feel when he starts a relationship with someone new and she's step-mother to your children?

My ex-husband thought the same. Rather than having counselling, he reckoned the same could be done by 'buying me dinner'.

She isn't going to want a dirty weekend away with someone who gives her the ick. That is the problem.

So he's put work in to try and improve things. How much work have you put in? I'd think very carefully about this op. The world is not full of gorgeous men desperate to shag 40 yr old mothers of two in to the middle of next week nor is that all you actually need out of life. Your decision is going to make you all poorer both emotionally and literally. Are you SURE this is the essential step to take?

Where did I say it was because he was older? Or even that I was divorced?

I'd be perfectly happy with him having another relationship or marrying again. My kids are also old enough that having a stepmother is unlikely to affect them in any significant way.

This, you admit you have a good man. The grass is not greener, you will create hardship and heartache all around, all for this elusive excitement and romance you may not find. Why put a bomb under your life? You admit your parents divorce was awful - yet you want to leave a happy family set up

You might very well decide to end the relationship in the end, but please give yourself some time in therapy first. Not only are you looking after the mother who left you, but your eldest child is approaching the age you were when your mum left (I think?) - both of these are going to be enormous emotional triggers.

Of course you're entitled to leave any relationship if you're unhappy, but I'd give your some time so you're not making the decision in an emotional storm.

OPs already ended it. Shes told him.

She may not have the option to reconsider, at this point.

I feel really sorry for your partner and have huge amounts of empathy for him

I was also "discarded" after 20 years of marriage whilst going through a mental health crisis precipitated by being made redundant twice and the worries of finding a new job and continuing to support my family.
My ex decided that she wanted passion back into our marriage, had me jumping through hoops for 12months and then discarded me.
I was also given the "love you but not in love with you" statement and let's continue being friends.
After 6 months of being friends and my physical and mental health severely deteriorating, I made the best decision I ever made and cut her out of my life.
Realised I was being treated as a back-up, so she could come back to me when she had her fill of shagging around.
6 years later I am happier then I have ever been, in a relationship with the most supportive partner and 50:50 co-parenting our children, my ex-wife is still looking for passion
There are not many men around who are kind/dependable/reliable and he will be snapped up

passion, romance, excitement, affection. Oh dear. You may find this with another man eventually but after a few years the ennui will happen again. Meanwhile your kids will never forgive you for breaking up their family for these reasons.

When you have children, they come first.

Are you seriously potentially screwing them up, unsettling them at best or ruing their childhoods at worst because of your sex life?

I think that’s nothing but selfish and cruel.

as a good decent man he will be snapped up whilst you are left looking for excitement and passion in the cess pit of online dating! I’ve seen it happen with a friend of mine. The guy is off living a lovely life with his new partner and she’s skint, living in a tiny flat and lonely!

its not worth it…

There's nothing wrong with a family life based on shared memories, experiences, affection and companionship. But you both need to be satisfied with that.

I understand why posters are cautioning you that the grass isn't necessarily greener but you don't need to settle. Being with a good man isn't enough - you have to want to be with that good man in a way that you can live with, enjoy life with and look forward to the future together. If you can't see your way through that then he can be the most incredible person but he's not your person anymore.

No one, particularly women, should stay in a relationship because a good man is considered better than no man, or a short term man, or whatever. It's okay to give yourself permission to change your life and as long as you are fair to him and your children, you can do so with positivity and a good outcome. It's entirely possible to be separated and happy. You might find love again, you might not but plenty of women have realised that happiness can be found from being independent of another grown adult.

Yes, you should consider whether this is a short term feeling and one that may pass but you should also explore how it feels if you imagine your future with him in a different role and you living apart from him. Your children will adapt as long as you both treat them with honesty and fairness.

Also just as its very telling increased sudden dramatic sex drive increases is a sign of mania as is making sudden drastic spur of the moment life altering choices. An increase is actually more worrying than a decrease as decreases can come with depression (fairly common) but while people assume most suicide if from depression its actual 'mania' that is much more destructive and dangerous to life as the energy boost to carry out the intrusive thoughts (sex, spending, vices, dangerous risks) is present and it can mix energy with depression which is often what leads to suicide.

While things like bipolar usually start well before 40 the truth is a lot of people are undiagnosed (especially in cyclothemia) or misdisgnosed (especially in type 2 where it often mistake for depression) if they have never had a full psychotic break requiring hospitalization.

Its also common in families meaning if your mam had similar symptoms it could well be linked.

Not saying you do have that, just there are some signs you mention worth raising.

It could also be that sex drive is also heavily linked to fluctuating hormones (which unfortunately as women we get the shit end of the stick on our hormones going wild at random times). You are approaching the age where they can be particularly hard and they really can make you feel like you are losing your mind or sense of self.

I think you’re just repeating your mother’s pattern of inflicting trauma on the kids for some dream of excitement and romance.

If you don't want him, can I have him? I've been single since my mid 40s and 10 years on I can assure you that good, available men 40+ are few and far between.

I think the bottom line is you can make whatever choice you want to for yourself, but you don’t get to control what life looks like from this point on.

Wanting to stay living together and wanting him to still see the kids every day etc isn’t realistic for a separated couple, especially when that separation came solely from one person. Make your choice, but the consequences of that are beyond your control.