I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

[SeamsLegit]

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

If I were you, I would go home sick right now, book a therapist, buy a big bunch of flowers and go find my husband. And then take it from there.

Nope - if the property is lived in by both parties during the marriage as the matrimonial home it will almost always be available for sharing in a divorce.

I'm sorry to ask this but has someone else caught your eye? Or has a close friend started a new relationship? It seems a little hasty to be separating after just a year of feeling things aren't right. Good companionship is so important and there is counselling that could help you get the spark back if you want to make the effort?

It doesn't sound like you have any huge resentments that you need to get over. Just niggles or misunderstandings around what you think is important to you sexually.

Do you feel you would be happier on your own? Is there someone else you have feelings for? Or is this just not the wild romance you feel marriage should be?
I think you need to think really carefully about what you want and maybe get some independent help because you might really regret this.

The book PP above mentioned is brilliant.
I think in terms of age you will be really noticing the difference right now.
He has been through a physical experience which has left him depleted and is sticking his head in the sand. It is an important part of him which he probably feels he has lost.
At 40, and during peri-menopause some women experience a huge surge in libido. It’s the body’s way of saying it can still have one last baby.
I am in my 50s now and can tell you if you do lose that libido due to menopause, yes you can go and get HRT, but it’s not a magic cure-all. You can’t just ‘sort’ the problem. But it helps to have an understanding partner.
Yes, you may meet someone and have great sex but I can tell you there are lots of men out there who would like to have sex with you. You would be hard pushed to find a man who will warm up your car.
I would suggest having therapy for yourself before you make any more decisions. Have a look at the work of Esther Perel who is a relationship therapist - her stuff around this is brilliant.
As humans, unless we learn and reflect, we repeat the same mistakes. We take the same old shit into a new relationship, and when the passion dulls, it’s like Groundhog Day. Oh hang on, so this one clips his nails in the bath and grunts in his sleep, too. Who knew? Bring me a fresh one!
I am not saying you can fix everything here, but I would definitely look at getting some support before ending things.
You only have to look on these threads to see the terrible way some men behave.
And when we hear about a woman who is going through something, is living in a partner’s house with no security, and she feels pressured into sex or feels she is not attractive enough, we absolutely go to bat for her.

Honestly, at least try therapy first - for yourself as well as together. If nothing else, and if you end up divorcing, it might bring you peace of mind about your decision.

Totally agree with this. It absolutely changed my life, and my sex life with DP, for the better. And I was also the partner with the higher sex drive, in that instance. It was an incredibly helpful read.

They're not married.

Passions and romance at your age? Please read Bel Ami by Maupassant - he describes late onset romance for a woman of your age (Suzanne's mum) so vividly, you would be able to look at your notions, from a distance, aghast. You would be embarrassed into positive thinking.

Have separate rooms, wait to fall back in love with him again once you've had a couple of years of intensive therapy. Don't do to your children what your mother did to you. Stop replaying old trauma.

When you were young and your mother abandoned you, you sought comfort in (from the sound of it) a lot of random sex. You thought it was fun at the time. Now something's changed in your life and your answer to your problems is the same as when you were a teen/ young adult. You'll get the sex on Tinder. You won't get the love or security.

Poor bloke. Out on his ear with nothing at the age of 50.

You can't live with him if you want to fuck other men. He shouldn't stay in your house. It's not going to work. Agree that you need some therapy.

If it’s been lived in as the marital home since they got married, the property is likely to be considered a marital asset.

Obv if they’re not married, the one who doesn’t own the house, is not in a great position.

They're not married

Poor dumped one..

Always trust your gut. You made a decision based on your feeling and it was right for you. Now just move forwards.
I definitely recommend therapy. It might not be for you, but give it a go.

"there are lots of men out there who would like to have sex with you. You would be hard pushed to find a man who will warm up your car". Great quote, @PeggyMitchellsCameo !

You’re in peri and you will come to regret this.

This. I agree with this.

This seems an extreme step, like there were a few more options before this. Therapy, sex therapy, gp input, an open relationship to explore?

This just seems a very severe solution. Go sick, go home, have a proper conversation with DP. You can't throw it all away so easy.

I agree with those posters who recommend you do a serious rethink of your decision. Passion, excitement, and the "in love" feeling do not last--in my experience they have a lifespan of 2 years maximum. I read once that they are a product of hormones geared to making us reproduce. Then they are replaced by either a realisation that you are incompatible (not so in your case) or by a more settled "love but not 'in love'" feeling, contentment, satisfaction, appreciation, etc.

You have to be very clear on what you are leaving this relationship for, and your chances of achieving what you believe you want at this point in your life. As someone who was lucky enough to get together with my lovely DH later in life (late 50s and I'd long given up "making the best of myself", as my mother would put it), I know that once you are past the babe stage in life, being "seen" and loved by a good man is gold dust and you don't throw it away without a very good reason.

We haven't had sex in three years, we are definitely like room mates, but I would hate to be without him and would never contemplate breaking up over it. You have to do what's best for you and your situation of course. Sorry didn't mean to quote the post

I know. I honestly don't believe what I'm reading. If OP were male, they would rightly be hung, drawn and quartered on here. If OP abandons any relationship it should be with her mother. I wouldn't be a carer for someone who had let me down so badly. I don't think that even good parents are automatically entitled to their kids caring for them in infirmity, let alone neglectful ones. I think that OP is reliving trauma but she shouldn't dump her partner and inflict the same trauma on her own kids.

You can't throw it all away so easy.

She already did, though. Is he just going to be OK with 'oops, I didn't mean it?" Even if he is, he's likely to be waiting for the next time in the back of his mind.

If this was reversed, everyone would be saying that's not fair.

Sorry, but you need to be on your guard. At your age with notions of 'romance' and 'passion', you are a low hanging fruit for any gigolo - many women of your age are taken to the cleaners and rinsed good and proper when they embark on affairs with younger men, sparks fly, and then they are rinsed to a degree that they have to be bailed out by their children.

Have a good long think what life would be like (in all respects ) if he was not there 365/24/7. (sorry to say it but pretend he died suddenly).

If you can live with/manage the consequences then you have your answer.
Life is not a bed of roses..

Another vote for reconsidering and therapy.

I’m long time married, together 35 years. Passion isn’t something that really remains ime when you have been together that long but there is love, trust, companionship and the most lovely sense of working together toward shared goals.

I really do think you need to go to therapy before making life changing decisions.