I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

[SeamsLegit]

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

If you want passion, romance and excitement but you’re not attracted to your husband it follows that you will be seeking those things elsewhere now you’ve pulled the plug on your relationship. You can’t really expect to cohabit while having a passionate relationship with someone else. Why would you even consider doing that to your ex to be.

Having broken the eggs, make the omelet and move out.

Aren't you kind of doing what your mum did? Leaving stability for a stab at spontaneity? I don't think you would have mentioned her unless you felt it had a bearing on the current situation (beyond caring for her presently) - I think you are making the link subconsciously though.

I am in no way trying to psychoanalyse you, but it kind of jumps off the page.

If you no longer want to be in the relationship then that's fair enough... but have you exhausted all other possibilities first? Have you had individual therapy? Couples counselling? What about the kids?

No therapy ever, no huge bust ups before, never taken a break or split up before to answer your other questions.

Love, please get therapy for the trauma your mother caused you when she abandoned you to find herself. You are not doomed to repeat her path.

And see your doctor - you're in prime peri menopause age. It too can take a sledgehammer to your mental health.

When mine kicked in I went a bit nuts. My sex drive revved up (probably nature yelling THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO GET PREGNANT) and I did several things I'm not proud of.

I also sank into sadness, dread, suspicion, brain fog - all kinds of shit. HRT saved me.

Men do lose their drive as time goes on. You're getting older together. He is further on the path than you are and when you chose a partner ten years older - well, it goes with the the territory.

Please don't throw a good marriage away for what may be reasons that can be helped.

You can't cohabit with him whilst you passionately fuck other men, it's not going to work.

Yes, respectfully, in this case I think you are very very wrong - and deeply confused or selfish - to break up the family home.

I think you need counselling about your past which is causing problems in the present.
Re loving your partner but not being in love - this is normal. Being 'in love' with starry eyes, roses round the door etc. is a short-lived thing - no-one can live in that rarified place for ever, or even for long. Loving someone is the building of the relationship over time, converting the starry-eyed bit into the reality of living together, helping and supporting each other, making a home, bringing up children. It is worth far more than the romance bit - though it's nice your DP tries to do the romance bit. I loved my late DH but would not say we were still at the 'in love' bit, but he was romantic - one Valentines day he set the sitting room up with fourteen candles (14th Feb) so that the room glittered, a mark of his love. Don't give up on a good man and happy children because your mother did, give love a go. ❤

This does not sound like a toxic situation. However I agree you need to have sex in your marriage. But the things you described wanting are the by product of your unmet needs and shouldn't be goals because they will always lead you back to seeking something new. While I'm not saying you need to have anything else going on to feel this way, I did wonder if perimenopause could be intensitying your desperation.

You are willing to throw a lot away and impact on the stability and happiness of a lot of people (including yourself) for a bit of excitement. I think this is naive and short sighted at best.

I think you need therapy as an individual and possibly as a couple asap.

You probably have an idea based on fiction of what will happen in new relationships if you have your freedom. If you find real excitement it's likely to come with a harmful side to it. You might not find that excitement at all. Meeting good men is very difficult and most women go through quite a few bad experiences before they find them.

When he had the vasectomy to spare you further pregnancies, I wonder if there was damage done, maybe to the nerves? So there could be a physical element.

And the pain he experienced could now be associated in his mind with that area, so he may find the thought of sex scary.

I also wonder if he might benefit from testosterone HRT?

Seriously, OP - I think you would both benefit from professional help.

This sounds like a reverse. But anyway

’The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting’

If you’re married, the house is half each, so divorce would mean either selling and splitting the proceeds or one buying the other out.

This is me except I'm older. But everything described here is spot on. I'm not anxious though, I'm revelling in my new freedom. Having lots of fun. Living life as fully as I possibly can. Getting slim and healthy, building up new and old friendships. Going out as much as possible. Just generally having a blast. Living life in colour again.

You have children, jobs, a home to run, a husband who had a medical issue with his penis and caring responsibilities for a mother that caused you serious trauma. I’m not sure how much passion and romance and sex is realistic tbh. I think I’d have gone for therapy (individual and couples/sex) before I walked away from a long marriage and broke the family up tbh, if everything else really is great. It sounds like it’s only been a year that theres been problems and for at least 4 months of that he had a medical issue. Only you know how you feel though and if you don’t want to be with someone you obviously don’t have to be.

is it possible you’re giving so much to your mum at a huge drain to yourself it’s causing some understandable resentment, and you just can’t face making more sacrifices and compromises in your life so it’s effecting your relationship?

What passion and excitement is he holding you back from? Do you do things that thrill you now? Do you think you would do things differently if you were single?

I mean sexually and non-sexually. Are you looking after your body, pleasuring yourself, doing things that make you feel exhilarated and safisfied (a mountain cycle, lifting heavy weights, and ice swim, racing dinghy, downhill slalom, ballroom dancing)?

Not married, the house is solely mine. Not a reverse. Panicking in work right now

I've never had more than two years of great sex with any man. It has dried up over time, every time. DP and I are pretty much completely sexless and have been for many years but the benefits outweigh hypothetical sex with someone else which would also wear off. I'd rather all live together under one roof.

You need to read this book - Comes As You Are by Emily Nagoski. There is no such thing as a sex drive just accelerators, brakes and context. You both have to work out what your accelerators are. It is the same as anything in a long term relationship, it takes work and communication. A kind, reliable, dependent and funny man is not easy to come by! Look at all of the threads on here. Don’t give up on him yet, you both have to put the work in.

Your life, your choices, your responsibilities. Think of the repercussions down the line on everyone that your pursuit of 'romance' is going to cause. You will then be able to look back in later years and say 'I did it my way!' 😂

I think what he needs to realise is that if he had another relationship after you, he'd definitely have sex with her.

I wonder whether you've given up on this too quickly, OP. Do you realise how rare it is to have a really nice guy?!

Maybe you could say to him that you clearly need some therapy to deal with your past and you'll arrange that. He clearly needs help with sex, so he needs to arrange that. Then see where it takes you?

It's called Mating in Captivity.

Are you having feelings for someone else, OP? No judgement, it's just that it often brings this sort of dissatisfaction because of the contrast between the excitement of first meeting someone vs the comfy feeling of long term love/ companionship.

I agree with others that therapy to unpack the impact of your mother leaving and now being asked to care for her (emotionally huge issues, OP!) would be a good idea, whatever you decide to do next.

"Mating in captivity" by Esther Perel and Love Worth Making are both helpful books about the conundrum of desire needing a bit of distance vs love needing safety and closeness.

Sexless marriages are one of the depressing existences imaginable. I was in one and it felt like being buried alive. You can't have romance and intimacy with your spouse and you can't have it with anyone else, either. It's a strange, bleak, quiet space, and people who haven't been there don't get it.

So if you want passion, romance, sex and excitement, where is that going to come from? If you're co-habiting and co-parenting, are you going to be looking for another relationship?

So sex was painful for him for four months and then he had ED which likely really worried him. And rather than working through that together, your response was to… break up the family home and your children’s stability to go on a wild goose chase for… passion?

Not if its a pre marital asset.