I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

[SeamsLegit]

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

Just reading more on my lunch…
it feels like you have a great bond.
a proper sex therapist not just a counsellor is what I meant to say before and sounds from your latest update like your DP is willing to get medical help.

It may be as simple as an increase in testosterone meds for him.
I hope you can both get the help you need to move forwards. Sometimes an honesty in communication can also really help too xx

Your mother abandoned you, and you're caring for her. It's no wonder your head is in a mess. Can you stop looking after her for starters?

Concentrate on you and your family's wellbeing. Good luck.

I think there are people who are still madly in love and having lots of sex after long relationships but it's the exception rather than the norm. Some people can live with the 'love and companionship' but not the 'in love' sensations- others need to feel that 'in love' sensation and expect to keep it. Asking around my friends none of us still have that 'first rush' feeling and I'm 63

Thing is OP - I feel as you do, except I don't want sex either. However if we split it would be with no children at home and no desire on my part to meet anyone new- in my case it would be to do things 'on my own' without the obligation of constantly checking in and acting someone's PA/ housekeeper and putting up with perpetual moaning - it would be to make all my own choices rather than constant compromise and for a bit more mental space with a guy in my case who is quite hard work and not even tempered but also has many good qualities I would struggle to replicate . Your situation is different as you seem to want to split in order to get the butterflysagain about someone new- that may or may not happen and certainly less likely under the same roof- I see why people do split but without any negative reason behaviour wise and with children I think you have to think harder, and not imagine some hypothetical future, especially if he's not pressurising you for sex.( which I agree is not nice or easy to cope with mentally if you don't want it) you can't have your cake and eat it - unless of course he is up for an open relationship and that's usually both ways

OP, what your mum did has undoubtedly caused a lot trauma and whatever her reasons were for doing it you are right to feel angry with her. She is not an innocent party that you should “kick when she’s down” she is a grown woman and was a grown woman when she made the decision to leave you and travel the world. She has to accept you will have residual feelings/anger. Please consider seeing a therapist. Sometimes we repress our trauma so much that it starts to affect things that aren’t even connected to it.

On your DH. If you truly want to leave him then you should. If you feel in turmoil about your life in general please consider pausing and speaking to a professional and unpacking your feelings before making a rash decision.

I've gone months feeling like I'm not in love with my partner, life stressors do impact upon a marriage. I didn't give up on it though and there have been some amazing times where it feels like falling in love allover again.
There was never a year without sex so I couldn't say exactly what I would do in your situation, but I do think I would stick it out.
Let's be honest, if a man was posting this they would be berated and told they were having a midlife crisis. Could this be something going on for you?

This.

I would think very carefully about whether this is the right decision.

I understand you want some passion, but you have to work at this and let it happen naturally. Your kids are getting older and you will be able to make more time for yourself as a couple.

How much effort have you put into spicing things up? It’s not solely on the man.

With everything else you’ve got going on, sometimes it’s easier to pick holes in the other things than address the real issues that are really causing us pain and trauma. By the sounds of it, it’s the relationship with your mum, rather than your husband. I would really try to be brave and undergo some sort of therapy to help you work through your feelings. Also, don’t be scared to put your family first - you can break this generational
trauma bond, and tell your mum that you need to take a step back for yourself, your relationship and your kids.

Be aware the grass isn’t usually greener..

I hope you find the strength to work through things 🙏🏽

Give therapy a go, be kind to yourself and each other. Marriage counselling too.

It is valid that sex is important to you and I think a relationship without sex is pretty much a friendship. I need sex for connection, to give and receive love and to feel wanted / attractive. It maybe that this jolt for your partner and yourself is what is needed to fix things and if you can’t, I think you will feel less bad about it. Hope it works out.

@SeamsLegit it genuinely does sound as if you do have one of the good ones there. Sometimes it takes a crisis to get everything out in the open, which it sounds like this is doing.

Does your work have an Employee Assistance program? Or medical cover? I got months and months of counselling through mine.

On feelings: yes, you can choose. Feelings come from thoughts. We can learn to reframe our thoughts and adjust the feelings that arise from them. There are many, many books and podcasts out there that can help with this. Or your therapist, once you find one.

Ah I feel for you. It is SO tough and often we don't realise things are getting on top of us, we just know things are "off" and then throw everything up in the air and see what lands where.

The fact you wanted to call your DP and he came to your work is a great sign, and shows there is plenty to work for. Instant chemistry can be amazing, but very rarely ends up a long term relationship choice.

Sounds like you have a lot to work through and you've got a good person by your side to help you with that. This may have given him the push he needs to deal with things he's probably feeling a bit of a failure about too.

Therapy is definitely a good call. Also, spend some time writing down your honest thoughts, and then explore them. Eg "I don't have sexual attraction towards him" and then try to break that down. I bet you'll find some of those are frustration at the fact he has been reluctant to seek help with his ED, when actually he's probably ashamed a bit too. You need to be each others safe space and seek refuge in honesty, and I can almost guarantee the attraction will come back over time if you build on that.

Best of luck to both of you x

OP, I left an only ok man who I felt a great deal less for - I didn't love him in the end - and I still feel and will always feel great guilt for imposing a 50/50 schedule and complex set of circumstances on my children. In your situation, I think you would be crazy to break up your family unit for the same - possibly an even greater sense of guilt - even if you are lucky enough to meet someone else who meets the very small proportion of needs that are currently unmet (I.e passion, romance etc.). Which as others have pointed out, tend to fade anyway over time.

Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc.

No "force" is totally irrelevant. No they shouldn't have done those things because they are against the law. Are you going to seek therapy?

I'm sure it's not too late to change your mind but only if you want to and think that on reflection there may be another solution which doesn't mean splitting up.

when i finally made the decision to leave my 'good man'.. the only feelings i had were relief! I could never put my finger on what was wrong, and for many years people questioned my decision.

until i had therapy! it was never about him, it was about me and my childhood trauma! I don't regret the decision, but the fact you are upset etc implies (to me anyway) that theres more at play here and as most have said... before throwing it all away, seek some theraphy

@DuchessDandelion I agree with that too- my parents had a lousy relationship beyond me being about 10 - affairs on both sides, arguments, lack of focus on me and brother due to being too focused on their relationships with themselves and others. Would have much preferred them to split up

Please don't do this to your children. I guarantee you'll regret it.

I'm also wondering OP if you have any friends you could maybe go away with occasionally - I had a friend who felt like you did- used to go away a couple of times a year, yep odd bit of 'chatty flirting' went on ( no sex) and whilst it's not great and yep I would be pissed if a partner did this I admit- it kind of gave her a mental ego lift and she stayed married- finally splitting when she had late teens.

Good luck op, I hope everything works out for you, whatever that looks like xxx

Why not just wait until the kids are older. There's no actual problem, blowing up the kids lives because things aren't exciting enough seems excessive.
Realistically you'll likely end up a few years down the line regretting losing a good man, jealous of his new relationship and partner, and sifting through dating apps struggling to find anyone who will commit or is a decent person.

This is what it reads to me too

I'm so glad to hear you feel less alone - thanks for updating.

The main thing is - take your time.
Day by day. As said up thread, sit on the sofa all day if you need to, or go for walks, whatever. Take some sick leave.

Then get to the GP.

Then take the therapy slowly - take several months if you need to, the money will be well spent. (Try different therapists if you don't click with the first one).

Whatever the eventual outcome, you will get through this. No crisis lasts forever, you just have to let yourself go through it and roll with it.

@SeamsLegit I wonder if part of you has some deep down need to sabotage due to past trauma so you can push him away? I really struggle in a similar way. Small kindnesses like defrosting the car mean a lot - they suggest he is thinking of you and your needs. I would say to try to keep talking, there is more going on here …

I knew from a young age that my parents planned to split up when I was 16. They loved each other but wasn't in love. They didn't split until I was 28 (for other reasons) my mum has now passed and my dad is deeply grieving her. Don't make any rash decisions!

OP my thought is that a lot has happened on the sex front over the past couple of years and you're being hasty. I'm glad you're posting. Will you speak to your DH, jointly reconsider, and get individual and sex therapy? I just feel it's too soon without even trying this option. It's going to be much harder to go back if one of you has been out and dated others etc.

@SeamsLegit seen your update … this sounds promising, good luck and keep us posted.

I totally understand. I really really do.

Take your time. Get some support and therapy. On paper he might look like a good man, but if he is not for you then that ok. It really is.

But don’t rush into anything.
Decisions you make should be with your children in mind. That’s the price of having them. Stay calm.

Get counselling and take your time with this big decision. Good luck x

@SeamsLegit I am so sorry that you are feeling so 'down' at the moment and in my view, based on what you say, think that a much better more fulfilling life with lots of sex from someone else, will make everything OK for you.

As others have said, in different ways, it almost certainly won't. You are struggling with unresolved trauma over your Mother's behaviour when you were young, understandably, big resentment of having to care for your mother now, your current age and possible peri hormone changes, plus working full time and looking after 2 children - one of whom is also quite/very young.

Before you throw it all away, I think counselling is a good idea and I'm glad you are looking at it. Possibly you need both individual counselling AND couple counselling as well.