Ah @SeamsLegit ypu really have so much going on here. The only surprise is that it took so long for you to implode.
Your DP sounds like a good man but he’s not completely blameless. Don’t shoulder more than your fair share as to how you got where you are now. His inaction has helped to nudge your relationship into the friendzone. Personally, I find it quite hard to be sexual again with someone after I feel pushed in that direction, so I think your feelings of horror at sexual contact aren’t uncommon.
However, he sounds kind and understanding and there’s clearly a lot of love there. That’s a really solid base to work from and I think you may well find your way back.
What I really wanted to talk about was your mum. Your story is similar in ways to mine.
My dad left when I was about 13/14 - it’s a very long story but in a nutshell, he went off to live in Israel in a kibbutz. My parents had divorced when I was 8 but he was very present and involved in my life until he abruptly left. My dad wasn’t around for those very crucial teen years. I adored my dad so his absence was so very hard. I didn’t realise until quite recently how him leaving so suddenly deeply affected me.
What is also relevant is that my mum isn’t the best parent. Demanding, controlling, unreasonable, borderline abusive (actually she’s downright abusive but I have a hard job admitting this!) - we had a terrible relationship when I was a teenager, Social services and child psychiatry were involved at the point when dad left. Dad just left me to her - he was fully aware of how difficult she was and how unpleasant she could be. I had a terrible time at home. I ended up quitting my A-levels so I could move out of home solely to get away from her. I had university planned so it really changed my trajectory of my life.
Dad was back in my life from the age of 18. When I was in my mid-30s he got diagnosed with a terminal illness. I was his carer until he died a few years later. I was grateful that I was in a position to be able to care for him (I had become self-employed).
Fast forward to now, 10 years later. My mum now lives in an annexe next to my house. She has always been present in my life but she’s manipulative and at times, not very kind. I’m understating things here. Her behaviour has been abominable in many different ways. She has really fucked me up. My brother is no contact with her.
I didn’t resent caring for my dad even though I realise he was actually a terrible parent in many ways. The reason he left to go to Israel was due to someone else’s actions - he could have stayed but that would have been much harder for him. And a fun life beckoned him in Israel. He had an amazing few years out there.
I think perhaps with my dad I could see that although he was selfish, he really did love me and I know he found it hard to leave. He was put in an impossible situation and torn so took the easy option. He didn’t have the skills to deal with his house being repossessed so just followed out to Israel instead and left me to navigate life with an abusive parent on my own. It was a selfish decision and it scarred me. He never said sorry but after his return he was pressured to leave again, and he refused because he didn’t want to leave me again (I was 21 by then). Maybe that made a difference to me? I don’t know. But I can say that I always felt very loved by my dad, even though he’d previously left for a few years.
My mum now needs a fair bit of help and care….and I feel resentful. And repulsed at times. Emotions I never felt about caring for my dad. She’s not grateful for my time and whatever I do it isn’t enough. She’s also got no compassion for my DC (who have SEN, high needs) and centres herself in everything.
I’m autistic and have ADHD. I suspect both my parents were/are neurodivergent but undiagnosed. My dad was dyslexic and could never sit still. Impulsive, lacking concentration, and charismatic - he had what I now recognise as the classic signs of ADHD. I firmly believe my mum is both autistic and ADHD. She has no friends and no people skills. But I don’t think neurodivergence explains everything- we often say in our family that being an arsehole and being neurodivergent aren’t mutually exclusive. I think my mum is both.
I honestly was raging with your mum when I was reading your posts. I think it pressed all my buttons because of my history.
I just wanted to share my story because there are similarities. I think the sense of being abandoned by a parent leaves deep scars, but when they come back into your life it gets confusing and hard to process. I feel like my dad tried to make amends in his own way but it doesn’t sound as if your mum did. And her indignance when you raised the subject suggests she has no idea of what she put you through. Or perhaps she just isn’t really interested….? I think if she’d been genuinely remorseful you might feel differently about caring for her now. But her indifference to what you went through is a bitter pill to swallow. And fosters resentment.
If you are neurodivergent, do you think your mum might be too? I just wonder if you think that might be the case, whether that would help you to process what she did and how she acts now. Of course, that might not be the case but it’s worth considering.
I think it’s hard to be generous with your time and energy when you feel taken for granted. And when you feel it’s not reciprocal. It leaves you doing things out of sense of duty and guilt rather than genuine desire to care for someone who’s cared for you. She didn’t consider your feelings then and she isn’t considering them now. Your wants/needs don’t seem to register for her - as evidenced by her lack of interest in your counselling.
You don’t have to run around after her. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You matter too. And you are allowed to prioritise your feelings - it’s not just about everyone else.
Speaking from experience, it sounds like the more you give, the more she will take. And there will be expectations and no real gratitude. Put boundaries in place now and stick to them. Create space for your own mental well-being because if you don’t, then she’ll continue to take what she wants. You need time and space to figure out how to move forward - don’t let her take that from you.
I think you’ve reached melting point - it might feel awful right now but with some good counselling, hopefully you’ll be able to process everything that’s happened and figure out a future that makes you happy.
Sending love 💐