I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

[SeamsLegit]

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

Sex therapist?
Have an affair? Grass is rarely greener... (or go on a break and explore other options? The dating game is hard and maybe you need a reality check with it?

I'm sorry about your Mum too.

^ This is what I was going to say.

He isn't just a 'good man' he is the father of your children and you are a family unit.

Your 'self fulfilment' doesn't trump everyone else's unhappiness. Even if modern culture and Mumsnet is telling you it's your 'right'. It isn't.

Look at the misery on the step family boards if you want to see where this selfish type thinking gets everyone. Particularly the children.

You cannot justify: I have a right to be happy by making everyone else unhappy.

Life isn't just about pursuing personal happiness sod everyone else, it's also about our responsibility to others and our commitment to roles and duties we have voluntarily taken on which involve other people.

That is what love is putting others above yourself. And actually following this, despite at times being hard, and boring, is what brings real deep peace of having lived a good life.

You can't just smash up everyone’s else's world so you can follow some dream of possible excitement. Well you can, but it's a shitty thing to do and that’s why you feel shitty.

Your mother did this. I am sure she had some great times, but at what cost to others? To you?

And you are about to do the same.

Sort out your very normal sounding relationship instead of smashing up everyone’s lives.

No, I just feel desperately sad that someone could admit to breaking their 4 year old's heart and then list the positives they experienced from doing so.

It's an imortant point not made enough these days: adults desire for 'passion' should not be placed above children's need for stability and full involvement of both thier parents.

Divorce is crap for kids and we should stop pretending otherwise.

Time adults started to put children first.

OP are you not concerned that your children will grow up and feel about you the way that you feel about your mother now if you repeat this cycle on them?

You are guilting the op here, that’s not fair.

Again. I do hope your judgy little comment has made you feel better. Children move on and go forth to have their own lives and relationships. Yes, she was very sad, but she is a perfectly well-rounded, happy, very loved, confident little girl. I have no concerns about her, and neither do those around her - both professional and family. If you believe it's healthier to stay in a relationship and force yourself to be intimate with someone you can't bear to be touched by, that's your issue and not mine. I expect you may be projecting, so I won't bother with you again.

I think reversing course right now is absolutely the right decision.
You need to talk to someone about perimenopause/menopause. You need therapy for your childhood trauma.
You both possibly need couples therapy.
He needs to talk to someone about his sex drive and medical options.
And you might want to think about taking a step back from your mum and having her seek support elsewhere. YOu would not be in the wrong to do this.

Good luck, OP.

If you believe it's healthier to stay in a relationship and force yourself to be intimate with someone you can't bear to be touched by...

Well, it's rather a stretch to accuse me of this, isn't it? I don't believe that's healthy at all, but luckily, sex isn't compulsory.

It is not so linear as just 'wanting passion' so perhaps I worded it in a way that was easy to misconstrue. Because, you know, I didn't feel I needed to provide you and every other judgemental person on MN with a deep and thorough explanation. A lack of attraction to your partner can come about for different reasons. Physical or emotional. For me it was both. I was essentially 'the man' in the relationship doing both the traditional female roles and male - all the DIY, all the car stuff, financial planning and budgeting as well as having all the ambition and drive for a better life, striving for more in work etc. I felt like I had another person to take care of and even had to write his cover letters when he applied for jobs. If he would apply at all, he was terrified of change. He would also remind me how 'shit his life would be if I ever left him as he moved here for me'.
So to then have to pretend not to shudder when he touched me was impossible. And no, I could not live like that and lie to myself anymore. Or to him for that matter. If you've never been intimate with someone you don't want to be intimate with, you wouldn't understand. So keep judging. All good. Your opinion of me doesn't matter.

I think it says a lot that when you are struggling, the first person you want is your DP. We do project our unhappiness sometimes on the people closest to us, needing to feel like we are in control and can do something to change it. The sex issue I think might be a red herring, it’s no wonder with all the stress in your mind you have gone off it. As you have said, don’t make any rash decisions about your relationship at this time, do what you can to aid your mental health and re-assess

I think you're making the wrong decision because you can't face dealing with what you should deal with.

Ah so your solution is to have a sexless marriage. No thanks. I'd rather take my chances. Also, when your husband starts throwing his toys out of the pram when you go more than 2 weeks, it makes it quite awkward. Hope that helps.

I’m so glad you’ve got some therapy sorted so quickly. My advice is to throw yourself into it and don’t make any drastic changes to your relationship whilst in this crisis. To come and see you twice today he obviously cares very deeply for you. I too have childhood trauma that hangs over onto my adult life- as much as I hate to admit, I’ve had therapy and continue to do so.

I'm no therapist but the fact that a strong impulse to leave your partner - just as your mother did - has coincided with you taking on her daily care seems something you should pay attention to.

My mum had what I now think was a peri- or menopause-inspired breakdown/midlife crisis and decided to leave my Dad in her early 40s so that she could go out drinking every night, date around and generally "have fun". It largely destroyed our relationship - I was 8 at the time and she became neglectful and abusive and clearly resented my existence. She also now thinks it was the biggest mistake of her life and has been trying to make up for it for years. Sadly for us, it's too late and our family was destroyed. My Dad was a good husband and father, fwiw. He'd been divorced before and desperately wanted to make it work. I often worry I might have a bad menopause myself and repeat her mistakes, as it just felt like something had taken over for a few years.

Obviously your situation isn't the same but based on what you've said I would really, seriously reconsider. You have what sounds like a good man and a loving family unit. Life is never all romance and excitement but a lot can be done to try to rekindle romance, compassion and connection and it sounds like he's willing? You are (and maybe your mum was?) around the age where menopause could start affecting your feelings about your life and relationships, which is partly why your story made me think of my own. I'd just try to really consider if you are thinking through all aspects and long term ramifications of this decision. Yes, some people grew up with parents who stayed together and hated each other, and I'm sure that is hard. But divorce and blended families can be absolutely awful for kids too. My later childhood and adolescence was a fucking mess and I made a lot of mistakes myself mostly due to losing that stable family unit. Absent of abuse I do lean towards thinking divorce should be a last resort - marriage vows are supposed to be about working on things through thick and thin, after all, and it's really normal for attraction to ebb and flow.

You are being very brave and honest addressing your mental health issues. You are obviously under a lot of stress just now, with your mother. You are mostly doing a great job so try to get rid of the guilt, it's a negative emotion which doesn't help any situation.

Guilt isn’t a negative emotion - it’s a human emotion which can and does, in balance, serve a good purpose.

I do think it sounds mad to leave this marriage. The hurt and lifelong ripple effect for your two children, and your partner, is surely not equal to the pleasure you’ll be able to access as a single woman?

I’m not saying stay in a bad marriage. But this isn’t a bad marriage! It’s just a bit boring, for now!

Caught up on your posts properly and speaking to a therapist and communicating with your partner about this are both great things to be doing! Don't let your doctor totally discount peri as a factor, though! The hormonal changes can exacerbate a lot of issues. Although it does sound like you have other things going on that I'm sure are making things harder for you at the moment too.

I feel sorry for him he sacrificed his willy and now it don't work anymore. He's made sacrifices and you treat him like he's a nuisance. I get your unhappy he lost his manhood and is probably too embarrassed to get help. My partner was going to get a vasectomy but a cyst was in the way. He was telling me how men were hunched over after getting it done and they were in pain.

If they are in the UK and not legally married/civil partnership, and the house is only in OP's name, that is indeed the case.

The OP's partner could try making a claim if he could prove he's contributed to the mortgage/paid for massive renovations, but it would be costly.

Your mum is very lucky to have you in her life especially at a time when you needed her. The teenage years are hard to navigate when you don't have the right support around you.

Haven’t got time to rtft only your posts, but I hear you. I have a devoted but not passionate DH and have wondered the same on occasion. I read though that you shouldn’t leave someone who is 90% to find the missing 10%, and that gave me pause for thought.

Ditch your mother- or just the guilt- (also hear you on that one) and getting yourself some help or support seems like a standout great idea. Fix yourself first. Look after yourself OP.

Passion comes with relationships that don’t last. It’s very temporary. It does seem crazy to give up a decent relationship for this. Have you done couple counselling?

Arrange home help for her it's not healthy for you or her to be around eachother. Don't feel bad you doing what's best for both of you. My granddad and his son had to be separated because my uncle was having a hard time with him. My granddad lived with my grandmother and they both had home help.