I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

[SeamsLegit]

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

Not sure about this. It is reasonable for the OP - and anyone else - to expect to be able to express her sexuality within the confines of a monogamous relationship. It's reasonable for the OP's partner - and indeed anyone else - to deprioritise sex and make it clear they're just not bothered.

It's therefore reasonable for the relationship to end, imo, kids or not. It's no one's fault, no one is wrong - it's just an irreconcilable difference.

It's different in the OP's case as she has unresolved trauma and was spiralling when she made the decision. It's right she takes pause.

But for anyone else, you don't need to stay in a relationship that isn't working if your partner knows you are unhappy but doesn't want to do the work to sort out whatever your issue is. You don't have to sit on your needs, squash yourself into a tiny corner of your own existence and 'live in his world'. It's 2025.

Again nonsense, give the couple a chance.

@AnonymousBleep I think there are plenty of decent men- thing is most women of that age also want attractive, solvent and a spark and no heavy vices- - and that's harder to find in my opinion in men than it is women of that age

I clearly state that the OP is right to pause her decision making while she sorts her head out.

But anyone else that is in a relationship that isn't meeting perfectly reasonable needs despite trying, anyone that has lovingly communicated how they feel in the spirit of wanting to make it work and been met with a partner that doesn't take them seriously... Anyone that has tried and is getting nowhere...

...you don't have to 'live in his world' because he can't be bothered to change it and you are afraid of what your world looks like without him.

You try. You try again. You try a third time. Then you accept that you're the only one bloody trying.

A marriage (even one where you are great friends) can become really lonely when your other half becomes completely disinterested in sex. It is like an emotional glue disappearing. It feels like constant rejection. And 40 is young to only be able to see years ahead of no sex. More frustrating when your partner cannot be bothered to even look into the problem - here we are as women, putting up with all sorts intimate medical inspections etc etc, but I think we forget that many men probably are not used to seeking medical help, do not want to admit to ED and being a little embarrassed and depressed would rather just bury their head in the sand.

It might help your perspective to understand that his issue is a health issue. He shouldn't have been in pain like that following the vasectomy. He really does need to go back and get it checked along with his thyroid, testosterone, heart etc etc.

Meanwhile you are likely hitting peri-menopause, under stress due to work & caring, starved of sex and probably your brain is doing that trick on you where any passing male who pays you any mind at all is suddenly more attractive than your partner. Be really careful with that - it is like wearing beer goggles!

Lots of good suggestions on this thread. Just to add self care - time to go walking/yoga/swimming etc all really important too, especially to help you get quality sleep. Don't do anything rash. Really no need. You have time. And a loving partner - bridges can be mended. Hope it works out for you, whatever you decide in the long run.

OP you have started counselling. On this account I would advise you to take the advice of the professionals now rather than listen to posters who suggest your marriage is over. Thankfully your counsellor so far hasn't given you this impression. You are extremely fortunate to have the love & support of such a decent man. The sexual side can be worked on. According to your recent post he has agreed with this. That's a great start.

Therapy?

This

Exactly. The OP almost dumped her decent man for the prospect of a unicorn. I'm not entirely blaming her because she had the very poor role model of her mother (who is also currently taking up far too much of the OP's emotional bandwith, which is something that I hope OP fixes soon) But to ask for an attractive, emotionally available, sexy man who would take on the OP and her baggage is a big ask, even if you completely discount how unfair it would be to her partner.

I think there's a bundle of things in our life that contribute to overall happiness and contentment.

Partner, children, extended family, friends health, wealth, self worth, confidence, safety, availability of time, work etc.(will be different for everyone)

If one of these wobbles even significantly, we tend to struggle but survive because on balance, we have enough to ground us.

If two or more start to have problem, it's really where people start to unravel.

You have a lot unbalanced at the moment - relationship isn't where you would like it to be, family issues with your mum, your health - mentality and time poverty, lack of sex is probably impacting self esteem etc. It's a lot, don't minimise it and don't make majority decisions when you are stressed.

The chaos & urgency comes tru in your posts.

Your partner may not be the right one for you ( I don't know and I don't think even you know at the moment) but he did take a call when you were panicking, did show up with lunch and is going to address his health issues.You may have a lot to work on to get relationship where it needs to be but he seems to at least want to.

You are doing all the right things here.
You realise you were on bother.
Sought advise here and professional help elsewhere and without delay.

I hope everything works out for you in the end, whatever it looks like. Mind yourself.

I think for the moment, you need to take a big step back from your mum while you deal with this, instead of re-traumatising yourself all the time. You could tell her that you can only visit once a week or whatever works for you. One of your posts suggested you still have a living grandparent, which suggests to me she is not that elderly, albeit she is unwell. If I am misunderstood, I apologise, but if she isn't bed bound or similarly incapacitated, she needs to start doing more for herself, or get appropriate care arranged, not just assume you can keep dropping everything for her. She could get food delivered to her, she could get herself a cleaner. Not keep leaning on you.

Why the fuck do you think kids would know whether or not their parents are having sex?! Do you announce it to your kids of a morning? I certainly don't!

Why would kids know or care whether or not their parents fancy each other?

This post is truly mind-boggling.

Well done OP. Try to get a better sleep tonight and tomorrow you will take another positive step forward on this journey of healing and feeling better. ❤️

I know! I was astounded by this post, and not at all in a good way. I find it scary how both selfish and sex obsessed some people are on this thread. If sex is the most important thing in the world to you, don't have kids! People are so selfish (I don't mean the OP here, who is just confused and being battened on by a selfish vampire of a mother) Other people on the thread who seem to think that personal fulfilment is everything. If you feel that way, fine. Just don't have children.
On a lighter note, I love your username. Clue is one of my favourite films.

Sorry to detail the thread but it is SO EXCITING to find someone else who loves Clue! It's been my favourite film for nearly thirty years now, and most people I tell about it have never even heard of it! Can't wait until my daughter is old enough to watch it with me.

To get back to the matter at hand, I also totally agree with everything else you said in this post.

I think, to be fair, kids do get an idea of this as they get older. An older child or teenager, who is well aware that mum and dad sleep in separate rooms, will begin to wonder about this, and to fear that their family structure has an expiry date. It's one thing if mum and dad are openly affectionate and have made it known that e.g. mum just can't sleep with dad's snoring. It's quite another when mum and dad are physically distant and their sleeping arrangements are the elephant in the room. I had a friend as a teenager whose parents did share a bed, but he confided in me that he didn't think they had sex (as he had never heard or seen any hint of it) and that he thought they were only staying together for the kids. Obviously nobody wants to picture their parents doing the deed, but kids will start to pick up on this and quietly worry.

OMG I adore it and can quote lines of it off by heart! I first saw it when I was seven years old and I fell in love with it (and Tim Curry) on that day.

Indeed. Got to be a man. Surely only men think like that?

Me too!!! I was also about 7, maybe a bit younger, when I saw it, and have been obsessed with murder mysteries, and Tim Curry, ever since!

This is true tbf.

@SeamsLegit it's so nice to read a poster step back from the edge rather than being egged on. Sometimes admittedly telling someone to leave is very necessary but in this case it's more complex.

At the very least this relationship deserves you to take the time to get help and work through the issues you have individually and together.

If at the end of that leaving is the right thing then at least you both know that you tried and didn't throw something good away too lightly.

You have been very proactive. Perhaps standing on the edge has given you the focus you need to help yourself. Good luck in your journey, wherever it ends.

Decent good men are very hard to find. Life isn't all excitement if he makes you laugh and is kind that's a great start

OP, perimenopause can absolutely cause sensitivity to sounds, smells and other sensory elements. Don't let your GP dismiss the possibility - and keep pushing.

www.nationalsensorynetwork.org/pages/understanding-sensory-processing-and-menopause

Really well done, OP, for recognising you're having a crisis and seeking professional help so quickly.

Try to reduce the amount of yourself you let your mother use up. She traumatised your adolescence with her monumentally selfish behaviour, and now she is using you.

Step away back - your mental and physical health, your relationship, your children are all more important. She already has carers - she must learn to rely on them more.

Do you have access to an employee assistance programme at work? You may be able to access help with therapy fees. And please confide in your line manager; supporting staff in crisis is one of their roles.

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And everyone - READ THE OP'S FULL THREAD BEFORE YOU COMMENT

Like it or not, reality is children learn the foundations about healthy or unhealthy relationships and intimacy in the home. It is not necessarily knowing that mum and dad had sex last night. Its manifests itself in the resulting warm atmosphere and interactions they observe afterwards e.g. eye contact, kissing, hugging, kind words etc . That is my observations as a father and only male in the home to two DDs, 9 and 6 years. Other simple examples include:

1. The older 9 year is always curious about how we met, what I said during courtship, what was our wedding like etc
2. Younger 6 year old, when we kiss likes to jump in as well and get her kiss e.g. she is a bit jealous

I grew up in a socially conservative home and only saw my dad kiss my mum once. Am by no means an outwardly romantic person. However, i see it as my responsibility to vocalise and model healthy adult relationships to DDs.