I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

[SeamsLegit]

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

In that case, your ex-husband is a dick, so your situation wasn't the same as the OP's, which you indicated it was in your first comment.

It doesn't change the fact that kids really don't care whether or not their parents have sex. Parents in a sexless relationship is better for children than having their family unit broken apart.

I totally disagree. Intimacy, wanted by both partners, is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. I can tell you are projecting your own issues onto me. You need to address your problems instead of projecting them on others.

Guilt isn’t a negative emotion - it’s a human emotion which can and does, in balance, serve a good purpose.

I wish more people realised this! Guilt is an emotion which serves a very important person- it helps you realise when you are being/have been a dick, so that you can try to fix it.

Legally, that's the case.

Morally, it's entirely shitty.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm in a very happy marriage. I just have strong opinions about children's needs coming before adults' desires.

Well - why have they chosen not to marry? Anyone unmarried knows (or should know) this is the case. It isn't a problem that only needs to be addressed when a relationship ends.

Ok fair enough. I respect your beliefs on that and I also believe what one person can live with quite comfortably, another can't. Everyone is different. All the best.

@SeamsLegit The truth is, if you stay it is hard and if you leave it is hard. It's which version of hard you want.

This really resonated with me. It's so true.

I don't agree. I'm not bothered about sex particularly and it wasn't why my marriage broke up, but I don't agree that staying together is always better for the children. I am the child of a hideous divorce, and THAT was awful, but the prospect of my parents actually staying together would have been much worse. (They both went on to behave like dicks but that's a different story).

I also have kids and am separated myself and my kids are not damaged. Nor is my ex-husband. Both he and I are happier not living together, and the kids are both happy and well-adjusted and doing well academically (which I know is a MN yardstick). We live walking distance apart and the kids (teens) can come and go as they want. It's better us living happily apart than miserably together.

Reading your posts i wondered about adhd too. (I'm a late diagnosed AuDHD woman) I think it's worth you looking into. When I'm in burnout i have to work really hard not to do something impulsive that will hurt someone's feelings - such as you saying you wanted to break up with dp. Id say something then immediately regret it but not know how to come back from it. I suspect you've redirected your anguish over your mum onto dp because he's the safer "target". He won't abandon you if you leave him first. You want something to give, so that you get some respite but that doesn't necessarily mean you wanted it to be your relationship that gave out - but you lashed out because you couldn't cope with everything anymore. That's understandable.

I wouldn't be surprised if you're burnt out. You've got A LOT of trauma to deal with, and you are having to take care of the person who traumatised you. EMDR therapy is helpful for trauma, by the way. You've also got the pressure of feeling like you "should" be over something that happened 20 years ago, but how can you be over it? You've never had the chance to explore it and deal with it. The therapy will help with that but it's not going to be easy - it will be worth it though.

I've been exactly where you are, almost at rock bottom and it is possible to find your way back. Let dp help you. Cut right back on the help you give your mum - you don't have enough to give her right now, regardless of how good a mum she's been or not, you need to look after yourself. If you had a broken leg you couldn't do her shopping and this is a lot more serious than a broken leg.

I'm in a similar position. I sleep walked into my relationship. We got together when I was 18 and he was 24, I'm not in my 30s and I don't know how else to explain it but to say that I only really became "myself" in my mid 20s. Came close to breaking up, but while giving it a final last go got pregnant and that was it. I didn't even realise what I was committing to. But it's done now, and you can't break up a happy family over sex. Not just morally - it's actually impossible to recreate your pre-children lives. Family members aren't replaceable. Even if you meet another man, you're never going to get that feeling of Christmas together as a family, board games together as a family, shared love and responsibility, simply because the man won't be your children's dad. And even if you find joy with another man, you'll either miss your children half the time or shoulder all the burden of having an uninvolved ex.

I wish to christ that I had spent my 20s single. I sometimes even wish that I hadn't carried on with my pregnancy, although I love my DC. But I did, and this is my life now. There are worse lives to live than with a good man.

It always surprises me a little how many choosing beggars there are of both sexes (although sadly in the case of men, some women have such low standards that the men can afford to be choosing beggars) Realistically, though, how many (decent) men are going to want a middle aged single mum, when they could have a younger and unattatched woman? The sort of man who will make the pulse quicken is likely either a con artist or a man with plenty of options who doesn't need to settle. It astonishes me that any woman would desert a kind, decent man to chase a dream that doesn't even exist.

Just out of my first session. Cried the entire time! It genuinely surprises me, reading comments about my 'trauma' - I've never considered it as a trauma. I feel calmer still, which is very welcome. Mum text me to bring her stuff, I told her I was starting counselling but she didn't say anything really, just wanted to know where and when, and when she could expect me... I felt irked at her for that.

I'm back next week, and I have to journal for 30 mins every day, all I remember from mum leaving. I don't think it will take one day to jot down all I remember, it isn't much.

The counsellor thinks I reacted out of stress by announcing that last night.

There is so much in your post OP. Out of interest how old was your mum when's he left?
It's unclear if the door is still open on your marriage, but I would strongly suggest having some couples counselling to talk through the issues. Either way, I also think you should have some personal therapy. There seem to be all sorts of very difficult things in your past and I think you owe it to yourself and your children to try and unpack them in a healthy way. Best of luck, I hope.you are.able to find a way through this.

The clue is in the word 'decent men'. There are actually plenty of decent widowers and divorcees out there who'd happily date a 40 or even 50something woman. Most don't want to date 20somethings.

The negativity about the 'lack of decent men' from women on here who aren't in the dating pool and are just reciting what they've read elsewhere is nonsense really. There are plenty of 'decent men'. It's just hard to find them on the apps, which are also full of absolute twats. Women are no more doomed to spinsterhood should they find themselves single in their 40s or 50s than they've ever been - there are just as many single men that age as there have ever been.

Agree, such a great way of framing things. I’m going to remember this.

You've been incredibly brave to go to therapy op. That's the kind of impulsivity that will help you. It might shock you the things that'll come out over the course of therapy. I expect you've unconsciously buried your memories of your mum's abandonment of you to protect yourself. You do need to go through it though, one foot at a time you'll get there.

If you are adhd by the way, most women are late diagnosed once life gets too hard to bear - work, kids, partners, and caring responsibilities against a background of trauma - it's no wonder the wheels have come off a little. But you will be ok, believe me. The fact you've posted and now sought urgent therapy shows that you know you don't want to go on like this, you just need to bear it a bit more while you get help.

Great start OP maybe in time you will see your husband as a valuable support to your life. It sounds like your mother is the problem and (as often happens you take it out on those closest ie your husband) Please stop prioritising your selfish mother & work with and on your loving husband.

Agreed. I would tell your mother that you are no longer going to see her every day and that she needs to stop expecting you to prop her up.

Cheers, I read the thread @Aquamarinescarf
It is definitely some of the issue. Note what I said…trauma, perimenopause…this affects sexual feelings and connection with your partner. Sex therapists can help quite a bit with this.

Kids also do pick up if mom and dad love each other. So many people on this board are advising to settle for a sexless marriage with zero passion because of kids. Kids grow up. But if you want to be celibate after 40, I guess that is your business. That’s sad.

Yes, it teaches kids that sexless marriages are the norm. Isn’t it better for kids to grow up in with parents that still fancy each other? Kids learn a lot about relationships by observing their parents.

Hi op, the excitement goes with any long term marriage, expect for a very few, which I don't know of any. He's a lovely man, and you are happy otherwise. You are making a mistake and will regret it.

In the words of Gladys Knight “id rather live with him in his world than live without him in mine” ❤️

I think people aren’t seeing that a sexless marriage is sole destroying

I think this isn’t even about not having sex but the fact he won’t do anything about not having sex and just expects SeamsLegit to be fine with it as it isn’t a big deal

It’s that response that means this relationship is over.
If there had been Drs appointments and an effort on his part to get back to where he was then I dont think it would have got this far

I do think though you are feeling sorry for him because it is you who has verbalised the ending of your relationship. However no matter how nice he is and how much you want him to be around for the children I would be putting a time limit on him staying under your roof. Even if it is a long time limit.

If you don’t it is only going to get messy and you can’t move on to find someone new when your ex is staying in the guest room. You will come to resent him being there if you let him stay indefinitely

I don’t think you are going to abandon your dc like your mother did to you. You are staying with your children but even if you want to travel the world, taking your children with you and not leaving them means you won’t be like your mother

I think therapy would be in order for both of you and your now ex for his own sake does need to see a doctor. Things are not going to get better on their own and things like this have a habit if not dealt with quickly of being the precursor to other issues.

I don’t see you getting back together even if he could magically turn everything around. I think once that resentment sets in there is no going back

Nonsense, give the couple a chance!

I hope your 1st counselling session went well OP. It will all take time. I admire you for dealing with this so wisely.