I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

[SeamsLegit]

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

One final thought, OP? Do you meditate? There's some new research out showing that it's good for depression and for me (I don't meditate much now, but I did for a while) it was a reminder that just because my mind was racing away with thoughts and my mind/body with feelings, I could detach and just watch it all flowing by like ticker-tape. I learned to watch myself thinking, if that makes any sense, but not get trapped in intrusive thoughts or desires. Just a thought.

Re: the stats there, I think women often initiate the divorce because the man has ended the relationship, or made it untenable. I don't think the figure of 80% (or whatever it is) means that in 80% of cases it's the woman who has woken up one day and said "I love you but I'm not in love with you, so I'm filing for divorce". It might instead mean that the husband has run off and so she's finally filing for divorce in order to get the practicalities sorted out instead of him setting the agenda.

So... I don't disagree that dating as a single mum in one's 40s sounds absolutely to be avoided if at all possible, I don't agree that most divorced women have gone into the dating world intentionally and with rose-tinted glasses. Some, yes (I would have been one of them). For many, it might be because their husband got onto the dating apps while they were still married!

OP, I feel for you. Never underestimate what grief can do to you. You perhaps are grieving the mother that you never had, possibly triggered by your own child nearing the age that your mum was when she left. I hope everything works out for you.

PS: I changed job due to grief. Was in a fuck-it state of mind! Really wish that I had not as it was not the best move for me. But at least it was only a job and not throwing a grenade into my family unit.

I have diagnosed ADHD friends who talk about being hyper focussed and would recognise that behaviour, so it sounds as if there's a whole bundle of stuff to be taken into account by anyone who is working with you. Are you in a position to consult a psychologist/ psychiatrist privately? I only suggest that because from everything I read and hear, waiting lists for NHS treatment are crazily long. You sound pretty self-aware, OP, and that will get you a long way — but you get further, and more efficiently, with the right help.

I kinda agree. Life isn’t a Disney movie and there is a point in marriage where it isn’t like it was in the beginning (especially with children) but deeper and more meaningful..

OP you need to also consider that if you have broke up he may not feel the same about being friends or close to you.

i think therapy would be beneficial as the red flag in your post for me was you apparently sudden loss of attraction to your partner. Did you always feel this way? You say he hasn’t changed? Are you pushing him away as your dad left you at about the same age? Sounds like maybe you still have some things to unpack?

Once you have kids, it's not as simple as 'your life' anymore.

he began filling in forms online for viagra but abandoned them as 'too complicated'.

According to the signs I see in Boots, you can walk into a pharmacy and buy Viagra now. I assume they ask a couple of questions about other medication and blood pressure.

But remember that Viagra and similar medicines only address "hydraulic" problems. If your DH is getting erections otherwise (for example, in the night) then it won't help, because it doesn't work on the psychological aspects of arousal.

I also don't want to demonise my mum... my early childhood was good. For years, from my mid 20s, we had more of a 'friend' kind of relationship, and there have been lots of times she has financially helped me out of a hole or been very generous. We have had plenty of good times. But now, as her independence dwindles completely, I find her more and more needy and I suppose I'm crumbling under the pressure. She's always disappointed when I leave and I guess I feel guilty at not WANTING to be there with her.

@SeamsLegit , I've read your posts multiple times and all I can say is you scream poor impulse control, clear mental health issues due to trauma, and a bunch of other red flags. You're throwing away your relationship, your stability, your rock, over your life not being exciting? everything you described is what happens in the early days before routine kicks in, and with kids, boy does it settle.

If you continue to leave him (or if he isn't understanding and gives you the boot), you're going to be in for a very big shock as to how life really is.

Out of my friendship group that divorced half regretted it.
I know a couple whose wife told her husband, 'I don't love you'. He packed a bag immediately and filed for divorce the week after. She told everyone much later she just wanted to get his attention and never wanted the divorce.
He's still never spoken to her.
I often feel divorce is used as a tool to communicate dissatisfaction and not many realise the after-effects.

This. Even though you say you will "no go anywhere," you basically are planning to do to your own children what your mother did to you: Rob them of their secure family unit, their identity as a member of an intact family, their feelings of security.

Doing so if there is abuse is one thing, doing so because you want more "excitement" in life is inexcusable, in my opinion. You made a "for better or worse" commitment and you doubled down by having two offspring in the marriage. I realize that "life is short" but you owe it to them to stick it out until they are adults. Just my opinion.

No, the vibe is "the man who is the father of your children and who is a lovely man is better than no man".

This isn't just about what the OP wants, it's about what's best for her children.

It should really be about both, if she’s unhappy it’s going to impact the children anyway. I don’t think she’s selfish but she does need to slow down and work through her issues before she makes far reaching life decisions.

Can you imagine if a man said this?! He'd quite rightly have his arse absolutely handed to him.

It could be a combination of ADHD and being perimenopausal. I have ADHD and combining that with the other physical and mental symptoms of menopause (which I also started relatively early at 46) has just exacerbated it massively. In my experience, once the love/sex hormones that give you rose-tinted glasses to some extent are annihilated by the menopause, you're also a lot less tolerant of your partner's foibles.

I had an adult diagnosis of ADHD which I had to go private to get. If you're high functioning with any mental health disorder, doctors don't give a shit.

I DID choose to end my marriage, and tbh don't regret it, but my situation was not the same as yours. All four of us are absolutely fine though.

Exactly. When people decide to have children, the adults' "fulfillment" takes a back seat to providing a secure and happy home until those children reach adulthood.

Absent abuse, danger (such as drugs dealing) or other dire circumstances, parents need to suck it up. It's only an unhappy home if they choose to make it so. We can control our feelings and actions.

It's also about what the OP wants. Self-sacrifice isn't always what's best for everyone.

@SeamsLegit Divorce is no fun, and really there isn't an abundance of wonderful men out there to sweep you off your feet.
My exh was abusive in all possible ways apart from physical. If he was just a bit dull, i wouldn't have torn mine and my kids lives apart, because divorce and everything you and the kids have to go through because of it is shit!!
I agree with pp. Work on your trauma. Appreciate what you have. Being single with kids, co-parenting, dating etc etc is not all that.

OP and partner aren't married and you have made up the stuff about for better or worse. Not agreeing with OP is fine, making stuff up isn't.

Have you read all of the OP's posts. They tell a very different story.

@SeamsLegit I feel for you. I could have written this. I did not fancy my husband at all and I ended it. I loved him but was not IN love with him. I won't lie. It was horrific. Breaking his heart and my daughter's heart (4 at the time and now 7) was sickening. The guilt has crippled me over the years. He also moved to my city for me and has no family or deep friendships here. I will never forgive myself for the pain I put him through. There was also someone else involved. Although it wasn't a physical affair, it was just someone I fancied so much that I couldn't concentrate and had spoken to in ways I shouldn't have. It was a long and difficult road. I am 40 now and single. I find it very VERY hard. I miss all the family stuff so much it hurts, especially at Christmas time - it used to be my favourite time of the year and now I dread it :(

But equally, I have hope that I will fall in love again and feel all those things I wish I had felt for my ex. The truth is, if you stay it is hard and if you leave it is hard. It's which version of hard you want. But at least, having left, I do have hope of falling head over heels again. I have also experienced that wild passion with a couple of guys over the last few years and it reminds me what I need from a relationship. I don't have to pretend to feel all the things for my husband that he deserves to have someone feel about him, and that is a relief (there's nothing enjoyable about making love to someone you aren't physically attracted to).

But splitting up a long-term relationship with young children involved is deeply unpleasant. It sounds like we are in the exact same shoes but I have walked a little further in them. Reach out if you would like to chat. Wishing you happiness xx

I'm afraid that's just something selfish parents tell themselves.

There are OF COURSE valid reasons for ending a relationship which has produced children, but not getting enough sex isn't one of them.

Oh gosh OP, so much of what you've written here resonates with me. ❤

I think you are making the right decision to NOT make any big decisions regarding DP while you're going through all this. I suspect things will become clearer in time, and until then it sounds like he is supportive and will help you work through some of the pain you're in.

Sending love.

I have also experienced that wild passion with a couple of guys over the last few years and it reminds me what I need from a relationship.

Was this passion worth breaking your 4 year old's heart for? I just can't imagine it was.

Do you feel better for your judgy input? I hope you do.