Furious at my family re pregnancy

[Chaoticgarden]

I think I just need a bit of grounding here because at the moment I am honestly of the mind to cut off my parents and my sister after they have been so hurtful towards me. I am so angry and upset right now.

So I am 40, I live in a house share while I wait for the house I own with my ex to sell. I had a fabulous glow up 2024 and was planning on more of the same for 2025. My ex was very abusive and basically drove me out of my home hence the living situation.

I have been seeing a new guy for about 6 months after 18 months single.

On Christmas Eve I found out I was pregnant. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I was in shock for about 2 weeks and couldn't stop crying. I could not believe it. It was a complete accident and I didn't know what to do. I have now decided to keep it and am 8 weeks along. The father is being super supportive and even if he wasn't, I earn a decent enough wage to be able to do it alone (just about).

I text my mum a few days after Christmas to tell her. Her immediate response was "Well I don't think this is what you need in your life right now but it's your life...". I was gutted and admittedly responded defensively to her and just said forget it.

I kept getting messages off her telling me it was icy outside/be careful driving etc. I've always had these kinds of messages off her and usually I appreciate them, but I just resented them at this particular time and ended up telling her to leave me alone.

I was very upset about everything and decided to write to her, I apologised for what I said, explained the situation and what had been going on and tried to make it light hearted. I got no response for 2 days after which I got a reply saying 3 lines, all of them cold and unfeeling, no apology for her lack of support, and then one saying that she was upset with me because I hadn't told her to her face or called her.

My sister spoke to her about it and got the same answer that she was upset I hadn't gone over there and "announced" the situation to her and my dad. They are apparently very hurt about it. Now this wasn't a planned pregnancy and I originally booked a termination then decided against it, so I was hardly in a position to be going anywhere and had no idea what to say to them anyway.

My parents are very judgemental, and frankly I didn't want to deal with their pitying looks about how I'd "messed my life up again" - my dad basically said buying a house with my abusive ex meant I'd ruined my own life which really hurt, and I didn't want to subject myself to more of their insensitive comments. My mother has also often shown disapproval at people having children outside marriage so telling them anything filled me with dread.

My sister thinks I should attempt to fix the situation with them, but I have already written my mother a long email and if I called her I am just not emotionally prepared for anymore insensitive comments. My boyfriend thinks we should go there and speak to them but I just don't want to. I will end up in tears and leaving abruptly and i just don't want to do that to myself right now.

On top of that, my sister has always wanted a baby and whilst she has so far been supportive, she seemed irritated at me when she was recounting the conversation she'd had. I told her not to get involved but she did anyway, and then seemed angry with me for wanting to know what was said. She then said to me that "I best get up and feed my cats early in the morning then from now on, otherwise she has no idea how I will look after a baby".

My sister lives with me at present in this house share, she is a nurse and is up at 6am, I am an IT manager and get up for work at about 7.30am by which time she's fed the cat. My cats always have dry food down so they never go hungry and this comment just hurt so much. I felt like it was just pure jealousy and resent at the situation, and she has been cold with me ever since.

I feel like my whole family has turned against me and frankly I am just furious. I plan on moving house in a few months but I am taking the opportunity to save as much as possible first for maternity leave. My partner has got a second job to save up also so that we have enough money for everything. My family have never supported me financially with anything, but always seem constantly "concerned" about me and I just resent it - i'm not sure what their "concern" actually stands for considering I out-earn them, support myself completely and have never needed their help with anything.

I've just made peace with not involving them in any of this now because I am so hurt and upset. I feel like it's always me making the effort with them and never the other way around. I feel like my parents never pick up the phone to me and I'm always going out of my way for them on Christmas/Birthdays while they just put £100 in a card and shove it through the door. I'd appreciate some opinions on what i should do, i am feeling stubborn and like i've already tried my best to sort this out but it's just been rejected - i hate to think that my parents are upset but i don't understand why this is suddenly all about them. I also don't understand my sister going from buying me flowers and supporting me to suddenly making horrible comments.

Just be done with them. Stop sharing a house with your sister. It's time to have your seperate lives now.

I am extremely sad to say that i think you are right. It just hurts so much.

I’d be asking your sister to move out for a start.

I think you're doing the right thing to take a huge step back and no, I don't think it's your responsibility to try to appease them. Not an ideal thing to tell them by text but I think there was probably a good reason you did that given their behaviour since.

They have taken a situation that is very definitely all about you and made it all about them. You tried to offer an olive branch and DM beat you with it. Unfortunately, you can put in all the effort in the worl, but it won't make them treat you the way you want to be treated.

I think you're doing the right thing moving out and away from your sister too. There is often a dynamic where one family member is constantly derided and can never do anything right. You can stop that being you by stepping away from it.

BTW, I'm sure they will come around and want to be involved in your child's life, so I wouldn't worry about that, irrespective of how it seems now. But I do think this could be an apt moment to start putting some very firm barriers. They sound very overbearing and could be on course to become a massive pita after the child is born.

You're 40 years of age and far too enmeshed with your family. You need to detach here and go your own way. Get your own place , have your baby and build yourself a life.

Honestly, I think you probably all just need some space to let the dust settle but nothing you have said in your OP makes me think the situation can't be resolved

You are all in shock and full of emotion at the moment

You parents are obviously quite traditional but I am sure that once the baby arrives they will probably be thrilled to be grandparents

I'm the same age as you, you're far too enmeshed with these people. Live your life, disregard their opinions and keep your business to yourself.

Thanks for all your feedback I think you are right and that I have to focus on myself right now.

I feel very sad about it because my parents are both elderly now, with health issues but I am just fed up of their constant negativity and judgement on my life. I feel like a constant fuck up to be honest due to their hurtful comments, I thought I had a good relationship with them these days but I realise that's only because of me keeping the status quo.

I'm always organising things for my mother like afternoon tea for her birthday and going all out for them on birthdays and Christmas but the effort is never reciprocated. My mum chases around after other people and puts effort in but never for me - it's always me going there or me picking the phone up to her never the other way around and she just plays the victim about her arthritis if I question it. Doesn't stop her with other people though.

I feel very lonely. My sisters comments just really hit a nerve for me, I have been so worried about being a terrible mother, I do like to sleep in and I have been a "selfish" single adult with no commitments so to speak so I wondered how this will be when I have a baby but lots of people tell me they were the same and that you adapt and change because you have no choice and becuase you love your child.

My boyfriend is encouraging me to go there with him to speak to them and assure them everything is fine, but I just think why should I constantly be defering to them, I'm not a child anymore and the relationship should be one of mutual respect not this parent/child relationship that they want to keep in place. Yes they are my parents but they keep treating me like I am absolutely incapable and they are "worried" about me despite the fact i've always out-earned everyone in my family and never asked them for anything.

Sorry for ranting, I just honestly realise that my relationship with them seems to count for nothing unless i'm the one making all the effort.

So your mother said "Well I don't think this is what you need in your life right now but it's your life...". To be honest with you OP I agree with her. You're living in a shared house whilst going through a difficult separation from an abusive ex. If you were my daughter I'd think the same thing - even if I didn't actually say it. You intimate that your mother exagerates her arthritis but in another sentence you say that your parents are elderly and have health problems. You also imply that your sister has suddenly turned against you whereas before you were close and she was supportive. Sorry, but I'm not sure we're getting the whole picture here.

Be extra careful with handwashing after handling your cat whilst pregnant.

As I once said to my df, I maybe your dc but I’m not a dc.

You’re going to be a parent yourself and you’ll be fine.
However you need to step back from your family a little and set some boundaries.

Take it from me, similar experience with my family (albeit planned pregnancy). Cut em off.

it does hurt, worse than anything, but you will come through this. I promise

now… as someone said to me once : your family have ALWAYS let you down, you expected them to be different than literally every single other time … more fool you.

yes, that one shook me to the core, but it was correct. Why on earth would they be any other want than they always have been. It was stupidity on my part to think they’d be able to act In any other way.

make your peace with them NEVER being the family you need them to be.

get your sister out of your home asap and put yourself and your baby first

Well fwiw I don't disagree with her, but living in a houseshare is a choice, not a necessity. It has allowed me to save a lot of money that I otherwise would have wasted on renting a place of my own.
The houseshare was also appealing at the time because my sister had already been resident there for 3 years so it was nice to have her there.

My separation was over 18 months ago now. It'll be 2 years in May so I am well and truly over it to be honest. We're just sorting legal issues regarding the house and then it will be sold, it's hardly "difficult" now.

My mother always throws her athritis up as a reason she can't do things for me, but it doesn't stop her chasing around after other people is - she definitely has painful health issues but despite many discussions she has never sought to do anything about it, it breaks my heart but I really don't know what i can do other than drag her to the doctors. It's just the fact she can manage for others but not for me. For example she'll drive down to High Wycome to see my aunt, but it's too much hassle for her to organise a coffee with me and I live 15 minutes away.

As for my sister... she was supportive and bought me flowers, but as soon as she spoke to my parents she was suddenly siding with them and said "i see their point of view, you shouldn't have just texted them". She seemed angry and annoyed that I asked what was said and then made a horrible comment about how I should consider my ability to look after a child if I couldn't even feed my cat early in the morning which is completely uncalled for. If you aren't getting the whole picture, I'm not either, the only thing I can possibly think is that she has envy since she's grieved never having a child/not meeting anyone to have a child with and been very vocal about it - i'm assuming involving herself in this situation has somehow annoyed her and made her angry, I have no idea why and was really taken aback by her mood and resentment towards me as well... so I have no idea where it's come from.

It's not my home or my sisters - it belongs to our landlord who is a night dwelling computer geek.

I will just move. My partner thinks it's best for us to move in anyway, and I have to say he's probably right. I liked the financial freedom but that's now going to come to an end and that's ok, but I think that it's best for me to continue the rest of my pregnancy in my own place and away from all this bs.

Yes. I think you've missed the part where OP said she's 40, so realistically, it's closing orders at the bar (I had mine at 39 and 42). If my child came to me with that news I'd be pleased for her and reassure her she's going to be an excellent mother. The circumstances may be far from perfect, but they often are.

It's a mother's job to support their child rather than constantly find fault with everything they do. You make a valid point though. Maybe what the parents are really worried about is how it's going to affect them.

It’s a bit odd to text your mother that you’re pregnant, especially in the circumstances. Otherwise it all sounds a tad over dramatic.

Hmm. I don't think they've behaved that badly. It is pretty big news to stick on a text. Perhaps if you say down with them they'd understand better.

It's hard to get the nuance in text. You might both be reading things that aren't there if misinterpreting the tone.

I don't really see why your mum telling you -a pregnant woman - to be careful in the ice deserved you to be angry with her.

I'm a much more in favour of talking to them properly than just cut them off. Your child might really benefit from grandparents.

They are worried for you. It's fair enough. Being a first time parent at 40 and doing it alone is a tough ask. If you've seemed a bit vulnerable following the breakdown of your marriage then your first thought might be concern.

But most people get over all this once there is a baby to coo over and just because it will be hard doesn't mean you won't thrive at it.

My family can be a total nightmare but forgiveness is important sometimes. I'm sure I piss them off at times too.

I kind of sympathise with them for being concerned, since you seemed to be getting on your feet after a traumatic time, and now you're in a position where your relationship is being fast-forwarded by an unplanned pregnancy.

I'd give them time to come round.

I think it's fair enough of my mum to THINK that, but for that to be her first response... it's just absolutely unacceptable to me. Fine think it, but you know what? How it is actually helpful? It's not a cardigan that i can take back for a bloody refund.

There was nothing along the lines of "how do you feel about it" or anything like that, or "I am here if you need anything", it was just this curt response that was full of judgement and I am angry about it beyond words - mostly fuelled by disappointment really.

My dad has not reached out to me at all, my sister came back saying they are both "extremely upset" and i just think oh wow ok, so THEY are upset and that's what we all have to focus on now is it?

I go over there every single Sunday to see them, I do a lot of work in the garden for them because a) I love doing it and b) it helps them because they are too old to really do much now. I am just gutted that this has become all about them now??

As soon as I found out I was absolutely mortified at the idea of telling them becuase I just thought what shitty comment am I going to get THIS time.

I was sat eating dinner talking to my mum about the house i'm selling with my ex when my dad piped up "well you've ruined your own life buying that house". I have never asked for a penny from them, and they've never offered for ANYTHING. To be honest I don't know why i'm so suprised by this behaviour really, but I am.

It’s really odd to text pregnancy news to your parents.

You’re 40, living in a house share, are 2 months pregnant to a man you’ve only known for 6 months, and are still not untangled from an abusive ex.

Red flags galore here. I can understand why your family are concerned.

I stuck it on a text because at the time, I didn't know if i was going to keep it or not. I wasn't going to go there on ceremony and subject myself to their judgement. I was absolutely mentally messed up when i found out and i've only just started accepting it. I text my mum about it half out of panic and half hoping for some support to be honest. It wasn't planned.

Her telling me to be careful on the ice isn't about me being pregnant, it's just about her excessively sending texts every time the weather isn't perfect to remind me to be careful, she does it all the time, i am normally appreciative and return the favour but after getting shitty responses about the pregnancy i felt her ongoing texts were disingenuous so I told her to stop sending them.

I would talk to them but they have made this entire thing about themselves now and i don't know how they are going to react. They are hardly reaching out to fix things after I told them they had hurt me, I have already sent a long email to my mum explaining everything and apologising to her and she has thrown it back in my face and refused to apologise.

I wasn't married previously.

I think it would be good to pick up therapy and deal with what’s happening. An abusive relationship, new beginnings and fast pregnancy along with the estrangement from your family is a lot.

Yeah i'm just not sure why people need to constantly push this point home as though I don't realise.

It's not odd to text them when I didn't know if i was keeping it and was panicking. I don't owe them a formal "announcement" given the circumstances.

I'm living in a house share out of choice, not becuase i can't afford a house of my own. I can, but why rent one when a house share will do until my house is sold.

I wouldn't mind but my families "concern" amounts to approximately nothing except ongoing "pity" for my "terrible life". I just don't understand people who want to look at my situation and kick me over it. My situation is resolved by moving into a house of my own, continuing the sale of my property and not involving people in my life who are bloody negative and judgemental.

Do all the people who look down on me have perfect lives or something?

You are probably right.

@Ladybyrd
"It's a mother's job to support their child rather than constantly find fault with everything they do."

I don't agree. I don't think it is a mother's life long job to support their child - the "child" in this case being 40 years old. Most mothers never stop loving their children but expecting life long support from them (especially as they become old and face the attendant difficulties/fears) is unrealistic. I also think support comes in different forms. Should support be constant agreement? As a mother would you always validate decisions or lifestyles for your offspring that you thought unsound? I don't think that constitutes support at all. It's also contrary to the natural human condition and therefore virtually impossible. We are a complex mass of both positive and negative emotions born from our own upbringings, cultural influences and lived experiences. Should we be gagged with a painted and affirmative smile, never to show disapproval or hurt, just because we are mothers?

@Chaoticgarden I can understand your hurt, frustration and anger towards your parents. It sounds like your sister was trying to help mediate to resolve tensions. I’ve always taken this role in the family and it’s not easy - especially when you have parents/siblings who struggle to see things from other’s perspective or how words/actions can have different impact/interpretations to different people.

Your sister was doing her best to help, you pressured her to share a conversation she didn’t want to, she was frustrated (much like you are) and potentially is dealing with her own feelings around not being a mother which your pregnancy has highlighted. Everyone is dealing with your pregnancy news in different ways and processing in their own imperfect ways. She said something unkind to you but siblings are the ones who can cut the deepest, even when they don’t mean to. If you usually have a good relationship I would suggest clearing the air with her when you are feeling calmer, you will need her support and no doubt she will be a wonderful auntie.

As for your parents I’d hold them at arms length for now. It’s not just a one off from them and it sounds as if you feel you can do nothing right in their eyes. See s therapist and work out how you can still be in their lives with healthier boundaries and a more harmonious relationship.