Furious at my family re pregnancy

[Chaoticgarden]

I think I just need a bit of grounding here because at the moment I am honestly of the mind to cut off my parents and my sister after they have been so hurtful towards me. I am so angry and upset right now.

So I am 40, I live in a house share while I wait for the house I own with my ex to sell. I had a fabulous glow up 2024 and was planning on more of the same for 2025. My ex was very abusive and basically drove me out of my home hence the living situation.

I have been seeing a new guy for about 6 months after 18 months single.

On Christmas Eve I found out I was pregnant. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I was in shock for about 2 weeks and couldn't stop crying. I could not believe it. It was a complete accident and I didn't know what to do. I have now decided to keep it and am 8 weeks along. The father is being super supportive and even if he wasn't, I earn a decent enough wage to be able to do it alone (just about).

I text my mum a few days after Christmas to tell her. Her immediate response was "Well I don't think this is what you need in your life right now but it's your life...". I was gutted and admittedly responded defensively to her and just said forget it.

I kept getting messages off her telling me it was icy outside/be careful driving etc. I've always had these kinds of messages off her and usually I appreciate them, but I just resented them at this particular time and ended up telling her to leave me alone.

I was very upset about everything and decided to write to her, I apologised for what I said, explained the situation and what had been going on and tried to make it light hearted. I got no response for 2 days after which I got a reply saying 3 lines, all of them cold and unfeeling, no apology for her lack of support, and then one saying that she was upset with me because I hadn't told her to her face or called her.

My sister spoke to her about it and got the same answer that she was upset I hadn't gone over there and "announced" the situation to her and my dad. They are apparently very hurt about it. Now this wasn't a planned pregnancy and I originally booked a termination then decided against it, so I was hardly in a position to be going anywhere and had no idea what to say to them anyway.

My parents are very judgemental, and frankly I didn't want to deal with their pitying looks about how I'd "messed my life up again" - my dad basically said buying a house with my abusive ex meant I'd ruined my own life which really hurt, and I didn't want to subject myself to more of their insensitive comments. My mother has also often shown disapproval at people having children outside marriage so telling them anything filled me with dread.

My sister thinks I should attempt to fix the situation with them, but I have already written my mother a long email and if I called her I am just not emotionally prepared for anymore insensitive comments. My boyfriend thinks we should go there and speak to them but I just don't want to. I will end up in tears and leaving abruptly and i just don't want to do that to myself right now.

On top of that, my sister has always wanted a baby and whilst she has so far been supportive, she seemed irritated at me when she was recounting the conversation she'd had. I told her not to get involved but she did anyway, and then seemed angry with me for wanting to know what was said. She then said to me that "I best get up and feed my cats early in the morning then from now on, otherwise she has no idea how I will look after a baby".

My sister lives with me at present in this house share, she is a nurse and is up at 6am, I am an IT manager and get up for work at about 7.30am by which time she's fed the cat. My cats always have dry food down so they never go hungry and this comment just hurt so much. I felt like it was just pure jealousy and resent at the situation, and she has been cold with me ever since.

I feel like my whole family has turned against me and frankly I am just furious. I plan on moving house in a few months but I am taking the opportunity to save as much as possible first for maternity leave. My partner has got a second job to save up also so that we have enough money for everything. My family have never supported me financially with anything, but always seem constantly "concerned" about me and I just resent it - i'm not sure what their "concern" actually stands for considering I out-earn them, support myself completely and have never needed their help with anything.

I've just made peace with not involving them in any of this now because I am so hurt and upset. I feel like it's always me making the effort with them and never the other way around. I feel like my parents never pick up the phone to me and I'm always going out of my way for them on Christmas/Birthdays while they just put £100 in a card and shove it through the door. I'd appreciate some opinions on what i should do, i am feeling stubborn and like i've already tried my best to sort this out but it's just been rejected - i hate to think that my parents are upset but i don't understand why this is suddenly all about them. I also don't understand my sister going from buying me flowers and supporting me to suddenly making horrible comments.

Excuse me but:

1. This isn't about THEM.
2. They have been abusive my whole life
3. I have spent my whole adult life running around after them, booking afternoon tea and treats for them, spending money on them. For my 40th birthday my gifts were dropped at my door - a plant and £50 cash!
4. I didn't need the princess treatment, I just needed some support from my mother...and apparently that's too much to ask is it?

Sorry but no. I think a lot of the responses here have made me realise that this is all wrong, and that actually, I'm running around after my parents approval and i'm upset because I didn't get it, and that it's time to choose what I want and for once not consider them in the proceedings.

If they've been abusive your whole life then stop running around after them seeking their approval.
You will probably find that this situation is the catalyst for major change in the dynamics. It was for me in a slightly similar situation.

OP, if I were you I think I'd step away from this thread for a bit. From what I've seen on MN, the freaks really do come out at night, and you're in quite an emotionally fragile place. I think you'll be just fine fwiw. Congratulations.

I think it’s your abusive childhood and poor relationship with your parents that is the problem, not how your mum reacted to the baby news ( which is how a lot of people would, given the circumstances). Do what you need to do to let go of the anger you feel. It only hurts you.

I agree - i think it will be. I think a lot of replies on here have opened my eyes, and their reaction to this news has opened my eyes as well.

The relationship with them only really works when I am visiting them, I am doing things for them and I am making the effort for them.

If I don't go and see them I get a sarcastic "Who are you?" when I walk through the door. Almost like the assumption is that I MUST be the one to make an effort. If I don't, they don't.

I agree with you, I think it's just brought a lot of things up for me. I didn't expect that to happen, but here we are.

You are right, I am very fragile right now and I cannot believe some of the cruel responses I have been given.
I understand people have different views, and I think they are valid. I can see why my mum is upset, but honestly I am just not in a place where I can deal with the venomous and judgemental replies i'm getting. I feel very afraid of this next chapter.

I got schooled by abusive parents and a series of mom's loser bfs.

I got lots of therapy. Have you?

Pregnancy is when a lot of abuse starts. You are in a vulnerable situation and thinking about moving in with someone you have known for a mere 6 months because your parents and sister are not all you go girl.

Please don't be afraid and don't forget your hormones will make you extra sensitive. I was really upset over all kinds when I was pregnant with my first baby. As in like heart pounding feel sick to my stomach upset. Over various things people had said or done. I can laugh about it all now.
Please don't be afraid. You got this.
Try and put your family in a mental "box" and just lock it away for now. Make space in your mind for educating yourself on everything pregnancy, baby, and finance related. Take time to get to know your partner better and what his values are.
Try not to discuss the family situation too much with him as realistically there isn't much he can say or do to help, he wasn't there growing up so won't know the nuances of it all. You'll just go round in circles and it isn't constructive.
You need to think about every single thing in your life: is this constructive and positive for me? If it isn't, you haven't got time to engage with it.

And agree with pp look into therapy if this is an option, if not self help via books and youtube. I say it on sooo many posts but DR RAMANI!!!! LOVE HER

Ignore the nasty posts - the more you react, the more the posters enjoy it. It's good that some posts have helped you to see things more clearly - they're never going to change, no matter what you do so step back.

I am so well versed on her from a previous relationship i was in! I watched SO much of her stuff. I never really applied it to my parents though, and perhaps the reason for that is that I love them so very much, worry for them all the time, want them to be ok.

I have had therapy yes, but I think the main issue is that I continue to give them the space to knock me. I keep deferring back to them all the time. I am scared of my own shadow in reality. Perhaps i need to focus more on friendships instead of relying on my family - i think that is one of the things that i have really failed to do.

@Chaoticgarden Some people just come here for that. I posted the other day under a NC about a family situation I wasn't sure if handled well and the first response I had was "well he probably saw your stupid face" with the follow up "you're just an awful person" 😂

I'm laughing now but I'm hypersensitive and in the past that could have floored me. With idiotic comments like that, don't explain and don't engage. It was funny, because as the thread went on all the other posts were considered and measured and they hands down stood out as the idiot in the room.

You've got this. I don't blame you being apprehensive, but you need to have more faith in yourself. You've overcome a lot. You've achieved a lot. Your partner's attitude is also reassuring - seems very constructive rather than adding to the drama and that counts for a lot.

There you go- you are answering your own questions 😃. Definitely apply her to your family. Especially "grey rock" and not letting things rile you up.
You don't have to go no contact with them but you can minimise contact with them, keep it on your terms and choose not to let it all get under your skin.

I burst into tears in the meat aisle because everyone kept pushing in front and I couldn't get to the shelves 😂

And if it makes you feel better my "happy accident" is my pride and joy. I got pregnant 2 months after meeting his Dad and got some "Good Grief!" Comments on here 😂.
5 years down the line were a happy family x

I burst into tears in Tesco because morning sickness meant I couldn't eat pizza 😂

@Wavescrashingonthebeach 😂

I moved in with my partner 3 months into the relationship and was pregnant at the 6 month mark at the age of 39. And it was planned. And I don't regret any of it.

I have burst into tears reading some of the nice comments on here.

I practised "don't engage" so hard with my ex, but it somehow never occurred to me to apply it to my family or to other people who were horrible.

My partner is the complete opposite of me, he is relentlessly calm and supportive. He's out doing food deliveries this evening after starting a second evening job to save money for our baby.

I think it's true that I don't have much faith in myself at all, and perhaps I should. I think I need to practise believing in myself, I have a great job and everyone has been supportive that i've told so far (only a few people I trust). Motherhood is completely terrifying, I have no idea if i'll be able to do it.

I was on a video call with my friend earlier and she had her toddler with her and all I could think was "oh god i can't do that". I am so emotional right now over everything.

It's definitely time to move out and get my own place, I will move in with my partner because I think that's what is best for both of us - I don't have any doubts about him, he is not a shit and hasn't shown any sign of being a shit (and i've been out with enough shits to know the signs). He's very excited about a baby and wants to settle down. I am so grateful to everyone telling me to focus on myself, I think you are all right. I also have a book called "how to do the work" which I never started reading - so i suppose now is the time.

I feel very afraid of this next chapter.

Op, when I think about being a parent (an older parent too) I always think about the Kelis song "Acapella", because I read that it's about her child (her life before and after her child).

The chorus is;

"Before you, my whole life was acapella, now a symphony's the only song to sing".

Life with a child is a very different life from being child free/childless, but it is absolutely wonderful.

As a very friendly guy I used to chat to on the train said about his young kids and their growth from babies to little people, it is "astonishing".

40 is a great age to fit a child in by; before fertility really drops and risks really rise.

The Dad is positive and supportive, which is so so much better than many posts on here; hopefully things will work out with you guys but even if they weren't to; I guarantee you'll still be over the moon that you had your child.

(I should say that the early years can be very challenging and demanding and tiring, the newborn to just past toddler period can be very tough at times. Depending on what your baby is like (sleep, colic, reflux, personality etc.) but it is only a phase; they grow so fast. You'll look back on it when they're 5/6 and barely remember it).

@Chaoticgarden You are 40 years old. Why are you tying yourself in knots to have approval from your family? Yes, of course it would be ideal and very nice to have, but you've indicated you've never really had it anyway.
What do you have? A supportive partner who after only a 6 month relationship hasn't disapoeared. Instead, he's working extra to support you and baby.
You need to evaluate your priorities and shift from being the daughter seeking approval from your parents to a woman who is about to be a mother. You need to call the shots in your life. Your sister is a bitch. Who cares why she says things like that to you. Focus on you, your baby and partner. Find good friends to add to your circle. You only get one life. You've just been blessed to be pregnant with a lovely partner. Don't waste it.

Countless women post on MN about being in shit relationships. Countless others tell them a better life is waiting if only they would leave. You left and guess what? A better life was waiting for you.

Your sister is a bitch

It sounds like she's not all bad; hence she's invited the op into her house-share to help her get out and away from her ex, until their house sale completes ..... But the cat feeding comment - re. someone who gets up at 7/7.30am - is ridiculous and does betray some bitchiness and resentment and nastiness.

Totally unnecessary.

Did you say she'd like to have a child op? Unfortunately she may be very resentful, which is sad. But not your fault.

I agree with getting therapy.

Going NC with your support system is very extreme and there’s a high chance you may be a single parent.

Being a single parent with no support system is not an easy thing to do.
However, it may be easier than staying in contact.

Move out asap.
Go to therapy and don’t rush into life making decisions.
In a few months you’ll feel more clear about whether you want to go LC or NC.