Furious at my family re pregnancy

[Chaoticgarden]

I think I just need a bit of grounding here because at the moment I am honestly of the mind to cut off my parents and my sister after they have been so hurtful towards me. I am so angry and upset right now.

So I am 40, I live in a house share while I wait for the house I own with my ex to sell. I had a fabulous glow up 2024 and was planning on more of the same for 2025. My ex was very abusive and basically drove me out of my home hence the living situation.

I have been seeing a new guy for about 6 months after 18 months single.

On Christmas Eve I found out I was pregnant. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I was in shock for about 2 weeks and couldn't stop crying. I could not believe it. It was a complete accident and I didn't know what to do. I have now decided to keep it and am 8 weeks along. The father is being super supportive and even if he wasn't, I earn a decent enough wage to be able to do it alone (just about).

I text my mum a few days after Christmas to tell her. Her immediate response was "Well I don't think this is what you need in your life right now but it's your life...". I was gutted and admittedly responded defensively to her and just said forget it.

I kept getting messages off her telling me it was icy outside/be careful driving etc. I've always had these kinds of messages off her and usually I appreciate them, but I just resented them at this particular time and ended up telling her to leave me alone.

I was very upset about everything and decided to write to her, I apologised for what I said, explained the situation and what had been going on and tried to make it light hearted. I got no response for 2 days after which I got a reply saying 3 lines, all of them cold and unfeeling, no apology for her lack of support, and then one saying that she was upset with me because I hadn't told her to her face or called her.

My sister spoke to her about it and got the same answer that she was upset I hadn't gone over there and "announced" the situation to her and my dad. They are apparently very hurt about it. Now this wasn't a planned pregnancy and I originally booked a termination then decided against it, so I was hardly in a position to be going anywhere and had no idea what to say to them anyway.

My parents are very judgemental, and frankly I didn't want to deal with their pitying looks about how I'd "messed my life up again" - my dad basically said buying a house with my abusive ex meant I'd ruined my own life which really hurt, and I didn't want to subject myself to more of their insensitive comments. My mother has also often shown disapproval at people having children outside marriage so telling them anything filled me with dread.

My sister thinks I should attempt to fix the situation with them, but I have already written my mother a long email and if I called her I am just not emotionally prepared for anymore insensitive comments. My boyfriend thinks we should go there and speak to them but I just don't want to. I will end up in tears and leaving abruptly and i just don't want to do that to myself right now.

On top of that, my sister has always wanted a baby and whilst she has so far been supportive, she seemed irritated at me when she was recounting the conversation she'd had. I told her not to get involved but she did anyway, and then seemed angry with me for wanting to know what was said. She then said to me that "I best get up and feed my cats early in the morning then from now on, otherwise she has no idea how I will look after a baby".

My sister lives with me at present in this house share, she is a nurse and is up at 6am, I am an IT manager and get up for work at about 7.30am by which time she's fed the cat. My cats always have dry food down so they never go hungry and this comment just hurt so much. I felt like it was just pure jealousy and resent at the situation, and she has been cold with me ever since.

I feel like my whole family has turned against me and frankly I am just furious. I plan on moving house in a few months but I am taking the opportunity to save as much as possible first for maternity leave. My partner has got a second job to save up also so that we have enough money for everything. My family have never supported me financially with anything, but always seem constantly "concerned" about me and I just resent it - i'm not sure what their "concern" actually stands for considering I out-earn them, support myself completely and have never needed their help with anything.

I've just made peace with not involving them in any of this now because I am so hurt and upset. I feel like it's always me making the effort with them and never the other way around. I feel like my parents never pick up the phone to me and I'm always going out of my way for them on Christmas/Birthdays while they just put £100 in a card and shove it through the door. I'd appreciate some opinions on what i should do, i am feeling stubborn and like i've already tried my best to sort this out but it's just been rejected - i hate to think that my parents are upset but i don't understand why this is suddenly all about them. I also don't understand my sister going from buying me flowers and supporting me to suddenly making horrible comments.

I agree with the poster above that it was ballsy and brave to get out of the marriage, even when your ex made it difficult (with the house etc ) and it's lovely that you're pregnant by an apparently nice bloke, before it was going to get harder and harder to have a child.

Your Dad's comment about the house - bizarre.

How the fuck do you ruin your life by buying a house thereby gaming some equity and showing lenders that you reliably paid back major credit for several years??

Unless you're in negative equity (?)

Even if you were, I know several people who got into negative equity and its far from ideal, but it hasn't ruined their lives. There's more to life than just that.

He sounds hyperbolic, silly, negative etc.

But coming from a man who's left his wife and daughter with black eyes in the past .... It's hardly surprising that he's rash and stupid and negative.

Sounds like the universe put you both exactly where you needed to be at this point in your lives. All the very best to you. 🩷

I would try to expedite moving in together before the birth as in the baby phase you need all the help you can get

If his family is remotely interested and nice I would take any help from them too, as it can be tough going and you'll both need a break sometimes

In saying that, you could get one of those sleeping through babies that used to make me think "wtf, could they be telling the truth?" when their mothers told me.

I would have farly minimal contact with your family. There are numerous issues there.

Agree with this. It can be draining parenting an adult child who stumbles from one crisis to another. I guess your parents also had a pretty tough time of it when you were going through issues with your ex, and with your separation. I can imagine they were looking forward to you getting your life on track, and then an unplanned pregnancy with someone you have only known six months comes along. I think their initial shock and concern came from a good place, and your sister may have seen the affect on your parents re previous issues, and may be annoyed with you. As others have said, let the dust settle. When they see you’re coping well with the situation, they’ll get involved I’m sure. You really can’t have expected your mum to be overjoyed when you told them your news did you?

I think your parents clearly didnt cope with the news well but you told them over text and have all these other red flags so were you expecting a good response given that you know what they're like?

If you were considering an abortion, is that something you wouldve told your parents about? I think a lot of this is stuff you tell a friend, not elderly traditional parents.

You cant change people but you can change or manage your expectations of them. You can still have a relationship with them but you need to accept they are who they are, limit the amount of personal info you give them and set boundaries. 100% get some counselling to help with this. None of what your parents have done is worth cutting then off however I'd keep them at a safe distance.

Oh don't get me started. I've spent my life being told i'm stupid, an idiot, a moron etc etc. All by my father. He just says whatever he wants.

Honestly although leaving that relationship was the hardest thing i've done (soon to be relegated apparently to second hardest) I learned SO much about myself from being in it. I learned how strong I was when I needed to be, and yes the house is going up on the market for 10k over what we paid for it and there is some equity in it - not loads, but some. Enough to give me a healthy amount of cash for supporting a child, or to be a good basis for a deposit for a new house.

The last relationship was awfull, but I can now speak with complete confidence about abusive men and on leaving a relationship when you see someone is treating you like shit. If I saw even a single iota of that behaviour from my new partner i'd be terminating, but I haven't. I told him I was struggling to get comfortable on my bed in passing the other day and the next minute he shows up at my door with a mattress protector and a bag of snacks to help with my morning sickness.

As for the comment about my sister being a bitch, yeah she was, but correct she is not all bad. I think she is struggling with the idea i'm having a baby when i'm the one who made peace with the child free life, i'm the one who wanted 5k pilates mini breaks and personal trainers instead of a child, i'm the one who bought pedigree cats and cared more about my quiet luxury wardrobe than a child.... and here I am pregnant by accident.

Having said that she is with a guy who treats her like a queen and wants her to move in with him so it's hardly like she's sat there waiting - he wants kids with her.

Funnily enough she's with a Russian and I'm with a South African so apparently if you want a nice guy get a foreign one.

I think she is struggling with the idea i'm having a baby when i'm the one who made peace with the child free life, i'm the one who wanted 5k pilates mini breaks and personal trainers instead of a child, i'm the one who bought pedigree cats and cared more about my quiet luxury wardrobe than a child.... and here I am pregnant by accident.

Still a really unnecessary bitchy and nasty comment. Esp. given that she's been, as you said, training your cat to expect food earlier by feeding them when she gets up - when your wake up and feeding time was perfectly reasonable. And, as you said, they had dry food there.
However in her defence, cats are extremely "persuasive" when it comes to extracting food from people. It would take a heart of stone not to feed them when they put the pressure on. And they also very persuasive when it comes to getting food they prefer over e.g. dry food.

If she's not all bad, maybe it's one to let slide (though store in the data bank!).

Having said that she is with a guy who treats her like a queen and wants her to move in with him so it's hardly like she's sat there waiting - he wants kids with her.

Hopefully it'll work out and she'll have kids if she wants them.

I hope so, I want to see her happy.
Honestly i have spent so much time consoling her and saying "if you don't have children, there is still a fabulous life to be had!!".

As for my cats, persuasive isn't really the world, they are terrorists to be quite honest. Anything they want they are happy to turn to terrorist activity including coercion if they have to. It's absolutely fine with me if she feeds them, but don't throw it in my face in relation to my abilities as a mother - they are not the same thing at all. I just feel it was a very low blow, and when I objected she told me to get the fuck out of her face and fuck off because I was a bitch.

I think after that I just decided i want to get away from all my family for now, I need to move, my time here is over and so is my bloody glow up and quiet luxury wardrobe life. On to Tommy Tippees and vomit all over my white t-shirts.

there is some equity in it - not loads, but some. Enough to give me a healthy amount of cash for supporting a child, or to be a good basis for a deposit for a new house.j

Just goes to prove what a fuckwit your father is.

@Chaoticgarden first of all, congratulations on your pregnancy and I'm sorry your family are making this exciting time all about them.

I had an almost identical issue with my grandparents. They have a history of flying off the handle at events in my life, whether it's a boyfriend, a baby or even a job. So i wrote them a letter when I was 3 month pregnant (after feeling like I had to keep it as secret due to their reaction), they didn't like the fact that I hadn't told them in person, even though they both admitted they would of "gone through me like a ton of bricks". It was made clear nothing i would of done would of changed their reaction and disappointment.

When DD was born, they had an good relationship with her but that didn't stop the awful comments and judgements they would make to me. If I ever said I was tired, I was told it was my own fault so deal with it. I was told I knew where the door was if I raised any sort of issue. The last straw for me was when they told me to clean their soiled pyjamas (health issues) because I " can change dirty nappies". I told them I wasn't their carer, deserved a lot more respect and appreciation, then walked out and never saw them again.

Break the cycle of abuse OP, you will feel so much better for it. I certainly did.

I'm not going to argue with that assertion to be honest.

Lol this made me laugh.

It can be draining parenting an adult child??? Excuse me?
Who stumbles from one crisis to another? Excuse ME?

My parents haven't had a tough time of anything to be honest! If anything it was their stellar example setting that wound me up in an abusive relationship in the bloody first place!

As for looking forward to me getting my life on track...Jesus are you serious?

My parents do nothing for me, nobody is asking them to parent a 40 year old woman who makes more than they do and who left home at 19. If anything, when I try to live my life and don't contact them for any length of time I get shitty comments about how I can't be bothered with them - weirdly they never reach out to me.

I am sorry but being in an abusive relationsihp isn't "a fuck up". It's something that happens to a lot of women, even married ones! How many posts on mumsnet about this exact topic? So there must be a lot of fuck ups.

I have never said I expected my mother to be overjoyed, I wasn't bloody overjoyed so how could I have expected her to be? I just wanted support. Not judgement or shitty comments. It blows my mind that people are honestly feeling bad for my parents having to cope with fucked up old me.... I'm not the 40 year old heroin addict who can't stay in rehab for goodness sake.

My parents have sat tight in a 40 year abusive marriage that looks good on paper, I know what's really gone on, so you know what if anyone has fucked up it's actually them. As a result they have zero right to judge me on what happens in my life. Loving someone who was abusive isn't a character flaw, and neither is accidentally getting pregnant.

Having no decent job and living on handouts from your parents is a fuck up, but in fact it's me giving to them all the time rather than the other way around.

They have offered nothing, not for my first car, my driving lessons, my first house (not even a house warming gift and they didn't come over for months), my 40th birthday and probably not for a baby either. It's a joke when people honestly think my parents are the ones who have got it hard here. It just cracks me up.

Who stumbles from one crisis to another

Apparently someone can't read that you left an abusive marriage.

That takes backbone - and is not a "crisis" or if it is, it is not one of your making.

The situation re. your current housing was created by your ex who, in common with many abusers , left you with no choice but to leave your property and sell it while not resident.

My sister was put in this position by her ex husband too. Unfortunately in her case there wasn't really my equity to get out (and she also wanted continuity for her kids who were there 50-50) so it wasn't sold until recently (due to her ex's financial circumstances).

Op, you've had some really shitty posters on this thread. I thought it was Aibu there until I checked.

I just feel it was a very low blow, and when I objected she told me to get the fuck out of her face and fuck off because I was a bitch.

But she's not all bad.😂
Oh, OP.... 🤦‍♀️

when I try to live my life and don't contact them for any length of time I get shitty comments about how I can't be bothered with them - weirdly they never reach out to me.

Op, this - and one other comment re. your mother running around doing things for other people - jumped out at me; because it's exactly how a relative of mine who is a text-book narcissist/NPD - acts.

She is to be other people priority, while they are not hers.

She does all sorts of things/gestures for other people (and talks loudly about them).while doing little to nothing for family members ..... Whom she expects to step up/rally around/prioritise her if she needs something.

I think the doing things for other people is come combo wanting to feel like a good person and wanting to be seen him be a good person .... because she really feels that she's not, and she knows that family members know)think she's not due to past behaviour.

Hmm normally I'd.be the first to say just cut them out.. But I feel this is fixable. Several things to unpack and I'm going to be blunt because on can also see their side:

1. They've hit a nerve. You've admitted yourself you've been a bit "selfish" as a single adult. Maybe they are just concerned how you will adapt and perhaps you are too, might be in for a very very rude awakening! Sure you will probably be fine but make no mistake, I am 40 and have a 2 year old, it's bloody hard work and I am always tired, he still doesn't sleep, it's harder when you are older and I've aged about 10 years. It's exhausting working full time with a kid or even part time and the cost and availability of childcare is insane. Would be far worse on my own which could be your reality if your partner decides he wants out. Make a game plan now and research local childcare because you won't have the headspace once the baby is here. Also it's not about out earning people. It's about coping with things like being up all night with a sick child and then having to drag yourself into work to function in meetings super early so you can get back in time to relieve the baby sitter etc. Learning your child has a disability and all the worry that brings and the drain of constantly having to advocate for them when your are weary. Or the million and one things school expect you to do and their activities, the mental load. Or dealing with parents needing care due to declining health and hospital visits when your have children to also think about. Children are a blessing, but they change your life forever, don't think you can go on as you did, you can't. You'll wonder what on earth you did with all the time you had before kids! Perhaps your parents are just worried because they've never seen you have to step up like this before?
2. Your family are upset because you announced their grandson (first?) by a test message. Understand your reasons, but older generations don't do it like that, my parents wouldn't so perhaps see that from their perspective. They may have wanted better for you with a marriage etc and be a bit disappointed . These are probably old fashioned ideals, however a marriage would have given you more financial security and childcare options so I can also see their logic. But they shouldn't probably have been so honest about how you feel. Nothing to stop your partner doing a disappearing act as soon as the going gets tough unfortunately, many do especially if it was an unplanned pregnancy and short duration relationship.

A lot of what you said just sounds like they are really concerned about how it will pan out for you, they've been parents so the know how hard it is. I'd rather this than indifference! Your emotions will be all over the place, don't wreck your relationship over something so minor, you are really going to need their help and support in the future. I would arrange a neutral location to talk about it, explain how you feel and listen to their side with a view to reconcile.

Also for what it's worth, you've said your parents are very negative, in poor health and have presumably painful arthritis. You've got them lots of birthday treats and surprises and afternoon teas of high monetary value so you feel they should be more appreciative and less negative. But listen to how this sounds? Try to see their perspective. Maybe they actually just want your time, a chat over a cuppa or help with routine things they can't do due to ill health rather than all the expensive gifts! Money does not make up for time, empathy and compassion, this is especially true for kids if you want them to turn out as well balanced individuals.

white t-shirts

I'd put those away for a while lol.

I'd also get waterproof mattress protectors and a second hand leather sofa.

I would distance for a bit and focus on you and the baby. Pregnancy won't be helping you right now. Don't make any big decisions and try not to be reactive as everything will be feeling extra intense.

It will settle in time.

My DH and I first child was a surprise...after only recently meeting..my mother hung up the phone when I told her and kept hassling me to have an abortion 😅 my whole pregnancy no family members would speak to me. I was proper iced out.

Fast forward and we are married, another baby, both in good jobs. My mum and dad are SMITTEN with our children. So much so I'm still iced out..but in a good way 😂 it's a get out the way so I can play with my grandchildren.

Also being a mum does change you. You get used to no lie ins without thinking about it. How you describe yourself currently won't be how you will be in a year. Your whole perspective and drive shifts. You will surprise yourself x

Look I appreciate your "input" here but you're way off.

Firstly, we're all pretty "selfish" when we have no children. I've spoken to countless people about this and said omg i'm really worried because I have slept in late and gone shopping with no care in the world what time i come back how will I cope.

People are clear that you adapt. You kinda have to. These people are my friends, not strangers on the internet, so I have asked around. I am not some idiot who has no clue on child rearing. I've had to sit and consider the very real question of whether I keep this baby and it's been incredibly painful actually, so I am not really open to being patronised about how hard it is. I am aware. Nothing will ever prepare me for it actually happening, and being the midst of it. I already know how much childcare will cost. There are no videos I can watch, books I can read or people I can talk to that will really let me in on how f'ing hard it is - but I get the memo, it's f'ing hard. People manage it though.

My selfishness isn't my parents issue with me at all and as for never having stepped up? Lol. Funny. I'm not sure how THAT excuses them from their shitty comments. Nobody has ever seen their children step up "like that" until they have children of their own, but i'm not sure what you think i've been doing this whole time?

As for the rest of what you've said, them wanting better for me and marriage etc. I'm not completely against their point, but you know what? It isn't how it panned out. That isn't what happened for me. What happened was an accident, accidents happen. My partner is thus far supportive. If he turns out not to be then I will need to deal with it on my own. I will have no choice. They can worry all they like but i'd rather do it alone than bring my kids up in a violent and abusive environment like they did. Is that the definition of success? Marriage regardless of the consequences? In my personal situation marriage would not offer me much in terms of security to be honest.

As for your lecturing about my so called "monetry" gifts. Afternoon tea involves spending time with someone, so does coffee, lunch and weekly visits on a Sunday as well as phone calls. That IS time with someone, time that they do not return in kind, even on a basic level. So please explain to me how they just desperately want my time so much when they can't be bothered to pick up the phone, ask me out for a coffee or spend any time with me whatsoever unless it's me doing the asking.

I wouldn't mind, but you clearly haven't read any of what i've said so i'm not going to bother interacting with it anymore. The pyschoanalysis is way off.

I just feel it was a very low blow, and when I objected she told me to get the fuck out of her face and fuck off because I was a bitch.

It was a low blow.

And she's sounding worse.

These outbursts aren't new to be honest.

Maybe she's inherited traits from one of both of your parents.

I can see it in my family.

I'm generally a middle road type so I'd just advise you to have minimal contact with your family rather than NC; but I do feel reservations about your verbally abusive (and previously batterer) father, and your Mum is "problematic" too,; around a child.

I've realised your partner/the Dad is from SA so I guess you can't really get any support from his family. I'd maybe look into alternative sources of support for when you're getting it tough. It'll have to be paid ones by the looks of it.

I only have your posts to go on, so I am sure you are right and I am "way off". But you came across to me as obsessed with money, emotionally immature and that you think everyone should dance to your tune and you don't like it when they don't, bit of a princess. Hopefully that's just hormones talking or wrong perception.. You came on here for opinions, not everyone will see only your side.

Yes some people do adapt when they have kids, not all, it isn't automatic, have you thought about HOW you adapt? Having your former life curtailed isn't easy, some secretly resent their children! It's good you know the truth and that it is hard, no one is here to patronise you, why immediately jump to that?

"So please explain to me how they just desperately want my time so much when they can't be bothered to pick up the phone, ask me out for a coffee or spend any time with me whatsoever unless it's me doing the asking."

I'm guessing because you are out on your yoga retreats or working and they don't want to interfere? Perhaps it hasn't gone down well in the past when they've asked and they felt they were taking up your valuable time and being a burden...you fill in the blanks here, why do YOU think they don't call? You said yourself they've said 'hello stranger" when you have gone round implying they don't get to see you much. You bemoaned how much money you'd spent on presents for them.

You don't like them being negative but I think being in an unhappy marriage and in constant pain from arthritis would make me pretty negative..people tended to stay in crap relationships in previous generations just for security..no that's not healthy I agree.

Also the bit about the cat..you got shirty as it sounded as though your sister pointed out she was basically doing the care for your cat while you lay in and before she went out on her nursing shifts? My 8 year old manages to care for his pet cat all by himself. Perhaps there is reason for their concern?

You seem to be conveniently ignoring that OPs dad is a domestic abuser.