Furious at my family re pregnancy

[Chaoticgarden]

I think I just need a bit of grounding here because at the moment I am honestly of the mind to cut off my parents and my sister after they have been so hurtful towards me. I am so angry and upset right now.

So I am 40, I live in a house share while I wait for the house I own with my ex to sell. I had a fabulous glow up 2024 and was planning on more of the same for 2025. My ex was very abusive and basically drove me out of my home hence the living situation.

I have been seeing a new guy for about 6 months after 18 months single.

On Christmas Eve I found out I was pregnant. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I was in shock for about 2 weeks and couldn't stop crying. I could not believe it. It was a complete accident and I didn't know what to do. I have now decided to keep it and am 8 weeks along. The father is being super supportive and even if he wasn't, I earn a decent enough wage to be able to do it alone (just about).

I text my mum a few days after Christmas to tell her. Her immediate response was "Well I don't think this is what you need in your life right now but it's your life...". I was gutted and admittedly responded defensively to her and just said forget it.

I kept getting messages off her telling me it was icy outside/be careful driving etc. I've always had these kinds of messages off her and usually I appreciate them, but I just resented them at this particular time and ended up telling her to leave me alone.

I was very upset about everything and decided to write to her, I apologised for what I said, explained the situation and what had been going on and tried to make it light hearted. I got no response for 2 days after which I got a reply saying 3 lines, all of them cold and unfeeling, no apology for her lack of support, and then one saying that she was upset with me because I hadn't told her to her face or called her.

My sister spoke to her about it and got the same answer that she was upset I hadn't gone over there and "announced" the situation to her and my dad. They are apparently very hurt about it. Now this wasn't a planned pregnancy and I originally booked a termination then decided against it, so I was hardly in a position to be going anywhere and had no idea what to say to them anyway.

My parents are very judgemental, and frankly I didn't want to deal with their pitying looks about how I'd "messed my life up again" - my dad basically said buying a house with my abusive ex meant I'd ruined my own life which really hurt, and I didn't want to subject myself to more of their insensitive comments. My mother has also often shown disapproval at people having children outside marriage so telling them anything filled me with dread.

My sister thinks I should attempt to fix the situation with them, but I have already written my mother a long email and if I called her I am just not emotionally prepared for anymore insensitive comments. My boyfriend thinks we should go there and speak to them but I just don't want to. I will end up in tears and leaving abruptly and i just don't want to do that to myself right now.

On top of that, my sister has always wanted a baby and whilst she has so far been supportive, she seemed irritated at me when she was recounting the conversation she'd had. I told her not to get involved but she did anyway, and then seemed angry with me for wanting to know what was said. She then said to me that "I best get up and feed my cats early in the morning then from now on, otherwise she has no idea how I will look after a baby".

My sister lives with me at present in this house share, she is a nurse and is up at 6am, I am an IT manager and get up for work at about 7.30am by which time she's fed the cat. My cats always have dry food down so they never go hungry and this comment just hurt so much. I felt like it was just pure jealousy and resent at the situation, and she has been cold with me ever since.

I feel like my whole family has turned against me and frankly I am just furious. I plan on moving house in a few months but I am taking the opportunity to save as much as possible first for maternity leave. My partner has got a second job to save up also so that we have enough money for everything. My family have never supported me financially with anything, but always seem constantly "concerned" about me and I just resent it - i'm not sure what their "concern" actually stands for considering I out-earn them, support myself completely and have never needed their help with anything.

I've just made peace with not involving them in any of this now because I am so hurt and upset. I feel like it's always me making the effort with them and never the other way around. I feel like my parents never pick up the phone to me and I'm always going out of my way for them on Christmas/Birthdays while they just put £100 in a card and shove it through the door. I'd appreciate some opinions on what i should do, i am feeling stubborn and like i've already tried my best to sort this out but it's just been rejected - i hate to think that my parents are upset but i don't understand why this is suddenly all about them. I also don't understand my sister going from buying me flowers and supporting me to suddenly making horrible comments.

But if you didn't know if you were going to keep it how were they meant to react? Being overjoyed in that situation would also be wrong.

Just out of interest, why did you tell them when you didn't know your own mind? You are only 8 weeks so not like it was essential to say anything just yet. Plus at 40 and before 12 weeks the risks are quite high.

I think you perhaps also need to reflect on whether you over share with them and then get cross that they have an opinion when there's an easier way round this than cutting all contact.

I'd agree you might need better boundaries but to just cut them out seems extreme.

OP talks about the physical abuse and dysfunction she grew up with, so cutting them out seems overdue, tbh.

I've had MANY amazing responses and I am so so grateful for all of them. Thank you for everyone takin the time to reply, I really mean it.

This particular post struck me, as have a few that have mentioned enmeshment which I never considered.

Why did I tell them?

1. I think I wanted to talk to my mum about it even though I knew in reality I wasn't going to get the outcome I wanted. I really wanted to be able to talk to her about it.
2. I think it makes me realise that I do overshare with my parents and involve them too much in my life. Well, my mum anyway.
3. I think I do overshare with them then get cross when they react negatively or from a place of "concern" because I just think I wish it could be different. I have done all sorts of lovely things for my mum like taking her out for afternoon tea, on daytrips and for lunch probably because I wish I had a great relationship with her but deep down I really resent her for the damage she exposed me too with my father, it's hard to forgive her but I want to paper over all that and move forward so much. Then I get a negative response from her about something or some sort of judgement and all the resent just comes straight back up again.

I just think honestly, if my mum was so perfect then why is it that i was exposed to so much abuse growing up. Why was I constantly listening to them fighting and arguing. Why did I have to run back and forth between them begging them to please make up so that we could go on holiday when they decided they weren't going last minute when I was a child.

A lot of people have said to decide for myself and stand on my own two feet. I agree with those people to be honest, I always feel like such a huge let down to my parents because I share life with them and they themselves are miserable so they are never going to see the positive side of anything I do.

I think you are constantly trying to make her into the parent you want rather than the parent you have.

She's not perfect. Others mothers are probably better. But she probably also has her own complex reasons for this behaviour.

People are complex. You probably are too. Your dad sounds a difficult character and some things are definitely not right. But it's also easy to go down a rabbit hole of everything bad and to lose sight of the good. Mumsnet is more for NC than anywhere else so things can be distorted.

I think now is the time to think about how you communicate going forward but not to make major decisions (on this or whether you want the baby) while in a state of high stress.

Give everything a week or so to settle. You might decide to go NC but it shouldn't be done as a reaction like this. You need to work through your feelings properly and I don't think in the hormonal state of early pregnancy it's easy to do this.

Haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has already been asked! Are you planning to bring a newborn baby into a house share? I would be fuming if I were one of your flatmates/sister and I had to be up for work the next day! Particularly a nurse who works 12 hour shifts on a ward, sleep is truly sacred. I would look for somewhere where your baby isn't going to disturb others who have had no say in the matter.

Congratulations about your baby OP
My advice is text less pick up the phone and talk more. Text can be misunderstood, I think that’s what had exacerbated this thread. Mix it up with a family dynamic of abuse it’s a recipe for disaster.
Be happy OP x x

To be honest, I don't really care about "everyone else" - I think if this thread shows anything it's that i care too much about what other people think.

But to answer your question... er, no, I would not want to bring a child up in a house share. How ridiculous.

Why have you not moved in with your DP?

You’re having a baby together and still in a relationship, so surely you would move in with him and start sorting the baby’s room out etc instead of house sharing and waiting until your further along in your pregnancy to move out.

Honestly this all sounds so childish.

You were the one to tell your parents to leave you alone and you say your sisters been supportive.

It sounds like you enjoy the drama.

You have been stupid and you say your life was on the up and now you’ve made it 10x harder.
You’ve taken 2 steps forward and steps back and so of course your family were going to be upset for you at first.

I think this is more drama than it needs to be.

Take your cat and move in with your partner.
Then try and rebuild the relationship with your parents and sister, which will be easier to do if you aren’t living together.

The OP is 40. This is potentially her only opportunity to have a child. Is it ideal, maybe not but life rarely happens that way.

OP congratulations. You are clearly not a fuck up. You have a good job that out earns your family so clearly you are doing well career wise. You have a loving boyfriend. Look after yourself and your growing baby x

Thank you - it's not what I would have planned but shit happens. I honestly wish it hadn't happened but I suppose it's now or never.

If I was 10 years younger I would consider termination in the same circumstances but it is what it is.

It sounds like your parents have been beneficial to you at times but giving with one hand and taking away your feelings of self worth at the same time is not worth the head wreck it is giving you. Step back from them and stop sharing so much of your life with them as it is used to knock you down. Your Mum is probably in denial about the abuse you all suffered and you "have to love your Dad because he is your Dad and that is what families do", All the decisions you made were based on the circumstances that were presented to you at the time e.g. lovely guy to start out turned into an abusive person. It is a dramatic event but his abuse is not your responsibility but his. Hope your pregnancy goes well and you have a wonderful arrival with or without the baby's father.

But to what end is a response like theirs? The OP is 40. She's keeping the baby.

Whatever your concerns the first thing is to support. If the first thing they say is full of judgement or recriminations it's just not appropriate

You are barely out of an abusive relationship with finances still left to settle and you are pregnant and thinking about moving in with a bf of 6 months?

I can see why your parents and sister are worried.

This is precisely my issue to be honest. In my opinion I texted them purely because I wanted to test the water, hoped very much for some support or to know it was safe to discuss further, and then I would have called/spoken to them about it. My gut was completely right though and I suppose it is just upsetting to be proved you were right all along about your reservations. I'd hoped not to be in this situation.

I am not "barely out" - I am nearly 2 years out.

The house still needs selling and the reason it's taken so long is due to a dispute with the neighbours - it's a very long story but it's resulted in litigation over an easement. Not my fault. We were mis-sold the house, so it's taking time to resolve that.

Yes I am pregnant with my boyfriend of 6 months which happened purely by accident.

I'm sorry what point were you trying to make? Please do school me on how you live such a perfect issue free life.

OP I think you have parents of a generation where what things look like to others is more important than they are.

When women stay with abusive husbands because that makes them look like they are happy and successful. So their own parents can be proud of "how well little Sandra has done for herself marrying Lord James" and smugly tell their friends, unbeknown to them Sandra is having the tar knocked out of her. But even if they did know he was beating her they tell her to stay with him...

Obviously it's a load of bollocks and women have their own jobs money and choices nowadays. Thankfully.

We all only have one life. It's up to you what you want to do with it.

I had a wobble aged 40 about do I want to get pregnant as it's my last chance, or do I not. It's a hormonal thing. The body is wanting it and makes the mind think it does too. But sometimes the mind doesn't really want it or all the years of nappies and sleepless nights!

What I'm trying to say is that if you want a baby at your age go for it. If not, think about it as it's just a tiny spec just now.

Imagine for a minute that it's gone. You are no longer pregnant. Are you happy or sad? Or sad but relieved? If unsure perhaps some counselling would help.

I can understand you being hormonal just now and overreacting. You don't need to call people names.

And I can understand your mum being worried for you. After all you've only been dating six months.

Your sister is probably jealous because she wanted a baby and couldn't.

Lots of mixed up feelings and emotions going on but the most important is how you see your life. Take some time to think also of how you'd manage if your child was disabled.

That was what swing it for me as I couldn't deal with that at 40.

Whatever happens I hope you're happy and have a good life. I'm sure you and your family will fall back in again I'm due course.

I don't think you should move in with your boyfriend after just 6 months OP. Living together and a new baby will be totally different to dating him. You don't really know him at all or how he will behave under pressure.

Keep your finances separate, get your own place and let him visit.

You need some space from your family right now. Given your age, making the best of a less than perfect situation is a logical choice. They will see that eventually. You don’t need them reminding you on a daily basis that it is going to be harder than if you went into motherhood under perfect circumstances.

while I would try to move out of the house share with your sister asap, I would be reticent to tie your housing to your boyfriend. The truth is that you don’t know him that well. You and your child need stability above all else. If you do decide to cohabitate, try to choose housing that you can afford solo and only agree to the move if he has somewhere else to go easily if things don’t go well. You won’t be able to easily find a house share with a baby and the last thing you will want to do is end up at your parent’s door.

Your boyfriend thinks you should make amends with them.

You said you are not a child anymore.

I'm stunned this whole post is written by a 40yr old. You sounds like you're 20 with zero life experience.

You sent a text to tell your mum you're pregnant? WTF.

Seriously grow up and manage your adult relationships properly. It's time to sort your life out.

You sound enmeshed with your parents and very much like I was at your age. It took having a child and some serious therapy to reset the blurred boundaries. I get it, I really do. It’s hellishly difficult to get your head round not having the mum you’d like to have / feel you need. Ironically my mother is a much better grandma than she was mum once I’d learned through therapy to put boundaries in place. I taught my dd to be loving and then dd taught it to my mum. It’s amazing how so much healing can happen.

For now, I’d look to what you’re wanting to achieve by acting / reacting to your mum. I’d be taking a serious step back in your position. Your mum is treating you like a child. And you’re responding like one in turn. You’re kind of stuck in a teenage dynamic with her. And it takes consistency and perseverance to change that. Normally it is the parent, who sets the tone. However at 40 and a mature adult, it’s time for you to do that work.

I do hope that all goes well with your pregnancy and you’ll have better times ahead with this new guy.

Your boyfriend thinks you should make amends with them.

Ofc that’s what anyone would say! I mean no one is going round convincing people to cut their parents off.
Not unless you know the background which in this case is her father being physically abusive and her mum enabling him. Or you’ve known them for a long time etc….

Basically it says very little on what’s going on.

Don't give them the headspace. Now you have decided to continue with the pregnancy just channel all your thoughts and energy into you and the baby. Ideally boyfriend too but if it doesn't work out you can co-parent amicably. He sounds like a nice guy.
As pp have said you are far far far too enmeshed with your family.
When the baby comes you won't have time for all of this.
If they're being c*ts then just minimise contact and don't get drawn into a debate.
You are a grown woman, you are perfectly entitled to make your own life choices.
Congratulations on escaping abusive ex and on your glow up. Hopefully this marks a lovely new chapter for you x

I think you are being too judgmental. I mean think about it. You found out you were pregnant and had a shocked meltdown full of endless tears YOURSELF!! Why do you think your loved ones should not have an equal opportunity to adjust to this new reality and deal with their shock and emotions and concerns just like you did?

I think you are being unrealistic and selfish. Everyone in your family is shocked just like you were! Everyone in your family is worried about your future just like you were! Come on now, this is time for you to talk to them like an adult, not get in your feelings and pout because you didn't get the Disney Princess treatment when you made such an announcement. They have no reason to apologize to you because they did nothing WRONG, they just didn't respond to your script so you are throwing a tantrum.