Furious at my family re pregnancy

[Chaoticgarden]

I think I just need a bit of grounding here because at the moment I am honestly of the mind to cut off my parents and my sister after they have been so hurtful towards me. I am so angry and upset right now.

So I am 40, I live in a house share while I wait for the house I own with my ex to sell. I had a fabulous glow up 2024 and was planning on more of the same for 2025. My ex was very abusive and basically drove me out of my home hence the living situation.

I have been seeing a new guy for about 6 months after 18 months single.

On Christmas Eve I found out I was pregnant. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I was in shock for about 2 weeks and couldn't stop crying. I could not believe it. It was a complete accident and I didn't know what to do. I have now decided to keep it and am 8 weeks along. The father is being super supportive and even if he wasn't, I earn a decent enough wage to be able to do it alone (just about).

I text my mum a few days after Christmas to tell her. Her immediate response was "Well I don't think this is what you need in your life right now but it's your life...". I was gutted and admittedly responded defensively to her and just said forget it.

I kept getting messages off her telling me it was icy outside/be careful driving etc. I've always had these kinds of messages off her and usually I appreciate them, but I just resented them at this particular time and ended up telling her to leave me alone.

I was very upset about everything and decided to write to her, I apologised for what I said, explained the situation and what had been going on and tried to make it light hearted. I got no response for 2 days after which I got a reply saying 3 lines, all of them cold and unfeeling, no apology for her lack of support, and then one saying that she was upset with me because I hadn't told her to her face or called her.

My sister spoke to her about it and got the same answer that she was upset I hadn't gone over there and "announced" the situation to her and my dad. They are apparently very hurt about it. Now this wasn't a planned pregnancy and I originally booked a termination then decided against it, so I was hardly in a position to be going anywhere and had no idea what to say to them anyway.

My parents are very judgemental, and frankly I didn't want to deal with their pitying looks about how I'd "messed my life up again" - my dad basically said buying a house with my abusive ex meant I'd ruined my own life which really hurt, and I didn't want to subject myself to more of their insensitive comments. My mother has also often shown disapproval at people having children outside marriage so telling them anything filled me with dread.

My sister thinks I should attempt to fix the situation with them, but I have already written my mother a long email and if I called her I am just not emotionally prepared for anymore insensitive comments. My boyfriend thinks we should go there and speak to them but I just don't want to. I will end up in tears and leaving abruptly and i just don't want to do that to myself right now.

On top of that, my sister has always wanted a baby and whilst she has so far been supportive, she seemed irritated at me when she was recounting the conversation she'd had. I told her not to get involved but she did anyway, and then seemed angry with me for wanting to know what was said. She then said to me that "I best get up and feed my cats early in the morning then from now on, otherwise she has no idea how I will look after a baby".

My sister lives with me at present in this house share, she is a nurse and is up at 6am, I am an IT manager and get up for work at about 7.30am by which time she's fed the cat. My cats always have dry food down so they never go hungry and this comment just hurt so much. I felt like it was just pure jealousy and resent at the situation, and she has been cold with me ever since.

I feel like my whole family has turned against me and frankly I am just furious. I plan on moving house in a few months but I am taking the opportunity to save as much as possible first for maternity leave. My partner has got a second job to save up also so that we have enough money for everything. My family have never supported me financially with anything, but always seem constantly "concerned" about me and I just resent it - i'm not sure what their "concern" actually stands for considering I out-earn them, support myself completely and have never needed their help with anything.

I've just made peace with not involving them in any of this now because I am so hurt and upset. I feel like it's always me making the effort with them and never the other way around. I feel like my parents never pick up the phone to me and I'm always going out of my way for them on Christmas/Birthdays while they just put £100 in a card and shove it through the door. I'd appreciate some opinions on what i should do, i am feeling stubborn and like i've already tried my best to sort this out but it's just been rejected - i hate to think that my parents are upset but i don't understand why this is suddenly all about them. I also don't understand my sister going from buying me flowers and supporting me to suddenly making horrible comments.

I agree with your sentiment, but on the topic of pregnancy, once someone is pregnant that's kind of it isn't it.

There are two options, termination (a very unpleasant and upsetting process) or keeping the baby (and raising babies isn't exactly a cake walk).

My mother is not wrong to be concerned, but I have long held issues with both of my parents which I have left in the past.
My mother chose her path in life, and that was to say with a drunk, obnoxious, abusive and rude man (my father) whose nickname for her is "scum". I'm not even joking.

My mother wanted to be seen as a respectable woman married to a policeman and living in their lovely house in the country (the house is my dads and she has never been put on the deeds or had any financial control of anything, nor has she sought it).

I feel like at the expense of my mother, my sister and I endured a very broken home, constant arguments, abusive behaviour and a very unhappy and troubled childhood. I was given a black eye by my father and so was my mother.

My mother seems to be all over it when my life somehow has problems, but when I need her for real support she has been "captain obvious" and devoid of support. I suppose I resent her is the truth. I resent my father as well.

I feel like neither of them deserve deference from me, this pregnancy has bought up some very deep seated issues for me where they are concerned. Ones that probably only therapy could fix, but right now I cannot afford to be having therapy when I should be saving up for a child.

I think your mum's reaction is valid. She's acknowledged that the situation isn't ideal. That doesn't mean she's judging you it's just the reality of the situation. Your responses here are very combative, and that's probably because you also recognize your situation isn't ideal. Don't push your family away, talk to them, and be honest about your fears. Having a baby is hard. Don't cut off your support system. Good luck op.

I agree with you, and yes I honestly see my situation as not ideal and wish so much that it wasn't like this. All the replies here have me thinking I just maybe am best having termination and not doing this. I hate being pregnant and I was not ready for all this when it happened.

I have completely lost my mind over the situation to be honest. Before this I was off to the gym 3 times a week, going out with friends, buying anything I liked and saving up for a new house when my current one was sold as well as planning trips overseas and i had no pressure. It's hard to come to terms with not having those things now.

Why? She feeds her cat for her. You're being overly dramatic OP, let things calm down a bit.

I would disapprove too if I was one of your family. But things should improve once you get your own place.

You’ll need their support as a single parent.

I've had my cat for 10 years, i lived on own for ages, my sisters feeds my cat becuase of choice, not because I "can't" feed her myself. People keep feeding her earlier and earlier and as a result she is now up at 5am begging for food. Prior to that she would come to ask for food at 7am and i would feed her. It isn't my fault that other people have changed her feeding times without my permission.

I will not be a single parent.

Op your 40 new man after 18months known him 6 living in a house share still have ongoing issues with the ex and now pregnant i get what your mum means.
You need to stand on your own feet a bit more and stop all this drama.
If your sister is that bad cut her off cut them all off and be done with it.
As parents we will all ways love our children but we dont have to be parenting them when they are in their 40s.
The whole thing is just over dramatic and way to family involved.
I love my family but we dont sit on each others laps.

You think that now, but you hardly know your DP. He might be supportive now but you don't know how it will go when there's a new baby in the mix. I think your mother is worried for you but expressing it in a very clumsy way - I would be worried for any of my daughters in the same circumstances. Maybe take a deep breath, OP, your hormones will be all over the place at the moment and everyone is acting from a place of high drama.

Oh hang on, your father is a domestic abuser and you grew up in a dysfunctional home.

Which rather changes things.

Your parents are never going to be supportive people in your life, OP. I'm sorry.

Many single parent manage wo support.
Why do you assume the OP in particular will need support??

Only you can decide what you want to do. Just because everything doesn't line up perfectly doesn't mean it can't end up being the best thing that ever happened. Equally deciding not to go ahead Is a perfectly valid option.

I really think you should prioritise therapy, @Chaoticgarden. To me, you are coming across as extremely dramatic and unbalanced on this thread- I'm not saying this to be rude or unkind, but to let you know that, from an outside perspective, your mental health seems in quite a bad place.

The fact that the replies from a bunch of strangers on the internet are making you reconsider abortion when you had decided against it is a worry, too- you really need to make a decision you are happy with before you get to 24 weeks. Therapy will help you do this.

@notontime I have to say, I agree about the fact parents dint need to parent a 40yo.
In which case the OP’s mum answer was way out (and so is the ‘be careful with the ice’)

Honestly OP this all sounds like you are 16 and unable to advocate for yourself.
You are 40 years and an adult.
Take a massive step away from your parents and your sister. You don't need to be furious with them. You don't need to apologise to anyone. If they are offended by your situation and your method of communication, so what.
Move in with your partner, retrain your cat and start looking forward to your baby now that you have decided to continue with your pregnancy.
Good luck.

@Chaoticgarden Before I had my children, I didn't say boo to a goose. I would put up with the most outrageous behaviour, and just excuse it, while deeply hurt by it, turning all that negativity inwards on myself. Now I have a very low tolerance's for bs and I will call out behaviour I wouldn't have questioned before. In my case, it was long overdue. You don't need their approval.

Seeing one if your last post abd the environment you were brought up.

Id put quite a bit of distance between you and them.
As you said, she has never been there to really support you. She wasn’t going to be there this time either 😢😢

I notice your sister is living in a house share too. Has been doing so for longer than you. I’m going to guess she has had her fair amount of struggles herself (incl not getting pg??).
Id let her cool down. Keep nice and remind yourself you can control your actions, what you say to people etc… but you can’t control theur reactions.

Move with bf if that feels right.
Protect your financial independence.
See how things go.

You not following the role you were assigned of doing all the effort and keeping the peace will have some impact. Prob not in a good way. But that’s them, not you.

This. Don't make any major decisions at the moment about cutting contacts etc
I think your bf's idea about going round to talk with your parents is a good one, but I'd wait a few months to do it. You can then set out your boundaries firmly with them, and decide whether they are involved going forward.
Your sister's remarks were uncalled for and out of order, and you merely need to tell her so, and tell her to keep her snarky remarks to herself if she wants to continue a reasonable relationship with you.

@ginasevern Support, to me, is respecting someone's decision and providing moral support whether it is what I would have chosen or not. It's going to be ok. I mean, it is, because it had to be. What's the alternative, telling her she's fucked up her life? What is OP meant to do with that? How is that constructive in any way?

IMO it sounds far from OP having fucked anything up. She has a good job. Her partner is supportive. It may be early in the relationship, but it sounds like a healthy relationship. I fell pregnant 6 months into my relationship with my partner and 2 children and 7 years on, this is exactly where I want to be.

You put it like dm will need to bail her out in some way. All OP seems to be asking is for her parents to put their big boy and girl pants on and not behave like assholes. It seems like a pretty low bar to me.

I am just a random on the internet so if this feels way off, just ignore me.

You've had a period of unplanned transition thrust upon you, so of course you are feeling completely freaked out, but you've got time to get used to the idea.

The way I read it is - you've escaped an abusive relationship, you've found a supportive partner, you are financially sound, you have a cat! And now, you are setting yourself up for a new stage in your life, with new people and priorities. Not accepting your parents' negativity is painful but PP is right that parenthood gives you a lower tolerance for shite - which is a good thing. Don't you think you've done rather brilliantly to get into this position? Is nobody congratulating you?

If you don't mind me saying it - congratulations.

I hadn't see your post about your dad's abusive behaviour when I wrote my last post. I think I'd be more inclined to go low contact with them, and take the view that I'm doing this anyway, and they can take it or leave it. As for them being upset about you not telling them sooner/ face to face, Id tell them I'm sorry they feel upset, but it was the right decision for you at the time as you needed space to think it through/ come to terms with it etc etc.
Exciting times ahead! Focus on you, the pregnancy and your relationship, and finding a suitable home for when the baby arrives.

I completely agree. Firstly I would say stop texting and emailing. So much can be misinterpreted and misread. You say your parents are elderly so probs don’t like this form of communication. Your boyfriend is right but it isn’t what you want to do.

It sounds like you are projecting your fears into your family and creating some tension,

Yeah they could be better but as it’s your post so you need to take responsibility for your part in this situation, You texted your mum to tel, her you were pregnant. She was clearly hurt by this and didn’t respond in a positive way so you got upset and disregarded her and told her to leave you alone.

So she did. Then you realised your part and apologised (again by a written text) and didn’t like that she was giving you space. You are not and cold and she is probably trying to figure out what you want because honestly I’m not clear and relationships aren’t always exactly what you want.

Your sister is angry at you for being put in the middle and the situation so you have somehow deduced she is jealous of you having a baby. Again, you are projecting.

OP I think you need to figure out how you feel and stop projecting onto your overly close family.

I'd let things lie with your parents for a while and not contact them. Probably better to move out and rent somewhere on your own for the time being, until the house sale is sorted. Moving in with DP after only 6 months and with everything else going on could be very unsettling.

@Ladybyrd

"Support, to me, is respecting someone's decision and providing moral support whether it is what I would have chosen or not."

I still don't agree with you. As I said previously, it's completely contrary to the human condition to agree with everything someone does with their lives - even more so when it's the person you gave birth to. Support comes in many forms and can sometimes be a negative reaction such as a warning or an expression of extreme concern. That's only natural and sometimes necessary. Should we really be unable to give an honest opinion to our nearest and dearest? Is constant affirmation really support?