Furious at my family re pregnancy

[Chaoticgarden]

I think I just need a bit of grounding here because at the moment I am honestly of the mind to cut off my parents and my sister after they have been so hurtful towards me. I am so angry and upset right now.

So I am 40, I live in a house share while I wait for the house I own with my ex to sell. I had a fabulous glow up 2024 and was planning on more of the same for 2025. My ex was very abusive and basically drove me out of my home hence the living situation.

I have been seeing a new guy for about 6 months after 18 months single.

On Christmas Eve I found out I was pregnant. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I was in shock for about 2 weeks and couldn't stop crying. I could not believe it. It was a complete accident and I didn't know what to do. I have now decided to keep it and am 8 weeks along. The father is being super supportive and even if he wasn't, I earn a decent enough wage to be able to do it alone (just about).

I text my mum a few days after Christmas to tell her. Her immediate response was "Well I don't think this is what you need in your life right now but it's your life...". I was gutted and admittedly responded defensively to her and just said forget it.

I kept getting messages off her telling me it was icy outside/be careful driving etc. I've always had these kinds of messages off her and usually I appreciate them, but I just resented them at this particular time and ended up telling her to leave me alone.

I was very upset about everything and decided to write to her, I apologised for what I said, explained the situation and what had been going on and tried to make it light hearted. I got no response for 2 days after which I got a reply saying 3 lines, all of them cold and unfeeling, no apology for her lack of support, and then one saying that she was upset with me because I hadn't told her to her face or called her.

My sister spoke to her about it and got the same answer that she was upset I hadn't gone over there and "announced" the situation to her and my dad. They are apparently very hurt about it. Now this wasn't a planned pregnancy and I originally booked a termination then decided against it, so I was hardly in a position to be going anywhere and had no idea what to say to them anyway.

My parents are very judgemental, and frankly I didn't want to deal with their pitying looks about how I'd "messed my life up again" - my dad basically said buying a house with my abusive ex meant I'd ruined my own life which really hurt, and I didn't want to subject myself to more of their insensitive comments. My mother has also often shown disapproval at people having children outside marriage so telling them anything filled me with dread.

My sister thinks I should attempt to fix the situation with them, but I have already written my mother a long email and if I called her I am just not emotionally prepared for anymore insensitive comments. My boyfriend thinks we should go there and speak to them but I just don't want to. I will end up in tears and leaving abruptly and i just don't want to do that to myself right now.

On top of that, my sister has always wanted a baby and whilst she has so far been supportive, she seemed irritated at me when she was recounting the conversation she'd had. I told her not to get involved but she did anyway, and then seemed angry with me for wanting to know what was said. She then said to me that "I best get up and feed my cats early in the morning then from now on, otherwise she has no idea how I will look after a baby".

My sister lives with me at present in this house share, she is a nurse and is up at 6am, I am an IT manager and get up for work at about 7.30am by which time she's fed the cat. My cats always have dry food down so they never go hungry and this comment just hurt so much. I felt like it was just pure jealousy and resent at the situation, and she has been cold with me ever since.

I feel like my whole family has turned against me and frankly I am just furious. I plan on moving house in a few months but I am taking the opportunity to save as much as possible first for maternity leave. My partner has got a second job to save up also so that we have enough money for everything. My family have never supported me financially with anything, but always seem constantly "concerned" about me and I just resent it - i'm not sure what their "concern" actually stands for considering I out-earn them, support myself completely and have never needed their help with anything.

I've just made peace with not involving them in any of this now because I am so hurt and upset. I feel like it's always me making the effort with them and never the other way around. I feel like my parents never pick up the phone to me and I'm always going out of my way for them on Christmas/Birthdays while they just put £100 in a card and shove it through the door. I'd appreciate some opinions on what i should do, i am feeling stubborn and like i've already tried my best to sort this out but it's just been rejected - i hate to think that my parents are upset but i don't understand why this is suddenly all about them. I also don't understand my sister going from buying me flowers and supporting me to suddenly making horrible comments.

You do you, but I would also be pissed off if my DD told me via text that she was pregnant. Along with your circumstances I would have responded similar to her.

I wouldn't move in with a bloke I'd only known for a short while, especially coming out of an abusive relationship. Why don't you try and live independently? Good luck.

According to some i'm at my "yoga retreat" though..... the one i've never been to

Op, I once said that I got frustrated at an ex (for whom I organised cinema, stand up comedy, walks, am dram nights, afternoon tea, trips abroad .... While he thought up nothing & organised nothing) for having not one comfortable place in his home to sit and watch some TV sometimes .....and one of the first replies was "oh I hate people who want to watch endless box sets!!!!".

Classic MN.

And this thread is classic MN.

"You are so defensive and angry!!?" after essentially a two or three or more person pile on, by posters who don't read properly and who assume everything to the extreme, and make all sorts of unfounded assumptions...which the op then has the choice of defending themselves against or of letting stand (so more posters come along, think they are true, and join a pile on) .....but when you defend yourself against the assumptions or misinterpretations (or sometimes just shit reading comprehension) you're "angry and defensive", and no wonder you have problems with your family etc etc.

I've seen so many MN threads go this way.

You are wasting your time responding to them, or trying to reason with them.

You're pregnant, you've got lots to plan and organise. If you want to, just respond to the people who are helpful.

(They will argue they are bring helpful but they are absolutely not.
At best they are misguided).

I would also be pissed off if my DD told me via text that she was pregnant

If you behaved the way the op's parents do to her, you wouldn't deserve more than being told via message.

And she's already explained she was partly apprehensive about/reluctant to deal with their reactions in person ..... Which, again, is understandable given their previous behaviour.

I recognise the "you've fucked up your life!!!" responses from both hearing about my late Grandfather's behaviour, and from seeing my Mum's behaviour.
It does become something you dread, because know what it's going to be like. You know there will no no moderation, no balance, no kindness, no perspective, no support etc. Just hyperbolic extremity, criticism and negativity. Very few people want to deal with that in person after a while, especially if they're feeling vulnerable/emotional/trying to make a crucial decision etc.

From the op's references re jef parents behaviour past and present, I 109% understand why she might tell them about the pregnancy via a message/not in person.

She didn't need her verbally abusive (and previously physically abusive) father's latest "you've fucked up your life" comments. That was her perogative.

Her family has done lots of things WRONG, i.e.:

'My mother chose her path in life, and that was to say with a drunk, obnoxious, abusive and rude man (my father) whose nickname for her is "scum". I'm not even joking.

My mother wanted to be seen as a respectable woman married to a policeman and living in their lovely house in the country (the house is my dads and she has never been put on the deeds or had any financial control of anything, nor has she sought it).

I feel like at the expense of my mother, my sister and I endured a very broken home, constant arguments, abusive behaviour and a very unhappy and troubled childhood. I was given a black eye by my father and so was my mother.'

It doesn't sound as though OP has ever experienced the 'Disney Princess' treatment from her parents, unless you include the experience of Cinderella before she married the handsome prince.

I agree op.

While I think you should ring fence your equity and make sure your partner/child's Dad cannot claim any of it (I'm sure he's a nice person who wouldn't but ...), I think you should take all the help you can get with your (both your) baby.

You would be unwise to take much help (if it were even forthcoming) from your family. They sound dysfunctional and pretty fkg unpleasant.

You presumably won't get any help from his family because they're in SA.

He's looking like he wants to step up, be a partner, be a Dad, and he should. I would take the help, co-parent in the same household, and see how it goes.

It's not possible to give/get the same level of support or involvement in different homes.

Try to set things up so that, if it weren't to work out, you can manage to live as a single parent.

(Oh and as for the "only six month relationship" point by some posters; some early pregnancy couples work out, some long-term couples - when a baby comes along - do not work out. It's worth a shot).