Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

Friend: Hey, how's the relationship going?

You: well, he rapes me and stealths me but other than that, it's so nice to be in a relationship.

Friend: WTF 😨

Your life is burning down around you.

Are you letting a rapist be around your daughter?

Better get her self defense classes starting now and hopefully her father can have more custody time as she gets older. Save money for her future therapy.

This has got to be bullshit. It's hard to believe someone would deliberately put their vulnerable daughter in the path of someone they know for a stone fact is a rapist and be so fucking nonchalant because besides rape and stealthing which are huge violations of body autonomy as well as crimes, everything's cool.

Each reply is getting worse!!!

OP LOOK AT WHAT EXAMPLE YOU ARE SETTING YOUR DAUGHTER!!

Fuck me you’ve ignored the rape and forced sex completely. I’ve never ever wanted to leave mumsnet until today. I can’t even invest in this any more I’m so so so fucking disgusted and disappointed that you are so accepting of this!!

Getting you pregnant isnt about him wanting a child. It is further abuse.

you would be a negligent shitty mother to knowingly introduce your daughter to a rapist, so where is this going?

Posted accidentally

It doesn't matter why he does things. He does them. Isn't that enough? Please consider going back to therapy.

I can see why you might not want to believe us - we're not real people to you. But perhaps you'd accept it from a therapist.

How do you think a friend would react if you told them? Would you want your daughter to be in a similar relationship? Why (not)?

'the sex part - it is primarily that he doesn’t accept when I don’t want to and forces me to. I know how awful that reads - but he isn’t hurting me.'

NO

BIG BIG BIG RED FLAG

'He also is resistant to using a condom'

NO

BIG BIG BIG RED FLAG

again !

'he usually pulls out but recently didn’t'

NO

BIG BIG BID RED FLAG

again !!!

so now you have enough red flags to start making bunting

What are YOU going to do about it ?

keep making excuses for him

' otherwise we have a fantastic relationship and sex life.'

OH NO YOU DON'T

When are you reporting the rape to the police

as obiv his future girlfriends will find that out when they have to do a Clare's Law enquiry...

I think I am wasting my time writing this, but will do so anyway.

I expect your lovely sex life consists of when he wants it, where he wants it, and how he wants it? That's rape, I endured it as it was before the marital rape act, and I didn't even recognise it as such at the time. There are so many resources available to you now. Please avail yourself of them.

He wanted a child. I wasn't ready and carried on taking the pill in secret. He found out and I was bullied into stopping. My pregnancy should of been a wonderful time but was actually a nightmare, the abuse ramped up, but it wasn't actually abuse (in my head) as he wasn't hitting me.

One night, completely out of the blue, he strangled me. I survived because he was drunk and fell asleep ( i was in bed).

It took the knowledge that my toddler could have woken in the morning and find me dead that gave me the strength to leave.

If you read this, I am sure that you will say 'how terrible' but won't actually believe it could happen to you.

I am also sure that after a few months, you will update this thread to say you are pregnant, but the relationship is still wonderful even though he got you pregnant against your will.

There is a saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. You are the horse and this is one of the worst threads I have read. I am sure that your previously abusive relationship (violent?) has lead you to believe this is different. But make no mistake, he was assured of your compliance from the time he trapped you in bed and wouldn't let you leave.

Please, please reach out to Womens Aid, your doctor or anyone who can help before it is too late. Your daughter deserves better and so do you.

I’ve just seen this post for the first time today and I’m torn between being so sorry for what’s about to happen to you, and wanting to shake you for being so fucking stupid that you’re choosing to ignore what you’re dragging your child into.

I wish your self esteem was high enough to protect your children (because every poster on here knows that you’ll be pregnant within the year and you won’t be allowed to terminate it, whether by guilt tripping or physical force). I hope that, if your daughter’s biological father isn’t about, that you have a network of support around you who’ll be able to care for her when you aren’t able to do the school run because it hurts too much to move. I suggest you teach her how to run to a trusted neighbour in an emergency to ask them to call the police, so that he can’t turn on her if he sees her with a phone. Because he will if he thinks she’s going to call the police. I also suggest that you start saving for counselling sessions for them now, so that they don’t get that pit of fear in the bottom of their stomachs when a man raises his voice at them, or so they don’t flinch at sudden movements, and so they can work through the trauma of having to move into a refuge, (because I can tell you from personal experience that those places aren’t nice for a child). Start putting all your documents and medications in the same place (documents could go under the carpet so they can’t ’accidentally’ get destroyed if there’s any hint of you thinking of escape) and if your daughter has toys that are precious to her, she needs to keep them all together, ready in case you have to leave the house in the middle of the night. And then when you go back to him, because being raped and beaten is just his way of showing you how much he loves you, and Social Services take them off you because you can’t be trusted to keep them safe, I hope you have someone who’ll look after them and keep them safe, rather than let them go into the care system where fuck knows who will be raising them.

And if you survive him, and I truly hope you do, then be prepared for the cycle to repeat itself, as your children grow up thinking that abuse in the home is completely normal and that a man raping his partner is just what happens in a healthy and loving relationship. When she’s banging on your door at 3am with three kids, having been dropped off by the police because she’s got nowhere else to go, I hope you remember back to this time and understand that this was your last chance. Your last crossroads. And that it was you who took the path that led to this.

I feel a bit sick reading all these replies Sick? I’d be feeling fucking terrified in your shoes.

I can’t help wondering if OP is just writing these posts purposely to get a reaction as she’s clearly not interested in listening and nothing we say will change anything. Almost defending his behaviour. and she had a bloody child she’s exposing this abuser to.
The consent stuff is now a further step too far and is triggering for me to read as someone who was in an abusive relationship previously and it affects me years later so I won’t be following this thread anymore.

@WilfredsPies

One of the most sensible and best replies I have read on MN in a long time.
Shame the Op won't understand it, nor believe it.

She is too busy making bunting for her daughter's bedroom or maybe even for the new baby's room...

Do you love your daughter more than this man?

It’s as simple as that. If you don’t, continue what you’re doing.

It might have nothing to do with wanting OP pregnant. Plenty of men remove them purely out of selfish pleasure and dgaf about the risks to the woman.

Just caught up. A lot of women (maybe men) fall into the trap of it being so much better than the abusive relationship it’s all good. It’s a fallacy - one I’ve fallen into myself. Perhaps if you compare these months with the first months of the previous relationship is that less of a contrast? No one would ever get a relationship if all bad bits were upfront from the get go - even non abusers may struggle!
Anyway, he gets off on raping you - if you didn’t refuse or be reluctant ever then he’d find something else you’d have to refuse - that’s his sexual drive that wont be changed, and will ultimately spill over into other areas of life too.
I really don’t like to jump to conclusions or make it all bigger and even worse (if that’s possible here!) but it is unfortunately disturbing to me that you have a daughter. This man’s sexual boundaries are seriously skewed and broken, not normal - and who knows how skewed.
Take care OP.

Fantastic reply @CleverLemonCat - I’m so sorry for what you endured. I hope op reads this.

I am reading them all. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I know this is hard to read OP, but I’m glad you’re still here 💐

We can all see it clearly but I know from personal experience it’s so easy to think everyone is exaggerating when you’re in the midst of this.

I think you said you’ve had counselling before but any chance you could return just to discuss this issue? It might be easier to absorb if you could talk it through with a counsellor - and the severity of what you’re currently brushing off might be clearer.

Are you surprised because everybody is saying the same thing?

I just hope you can find the strength to put your child first because at the moment you are knowingly exposing them to a sexual abuser.

How are you doing OP?

Would you consider booking a therapy session and being completely honest with the therapist about what’s happening, for the sake of your daughter?

You owe it to her to keep yourself safe and at the moment you aren’t doing that, as hard as it is for you to read.

You do know that he is raping you and the mental gymnastics you’re going through to try to maintain your own perception of this as a relationship you can stay in must be utterly exhausting and it is so, so damaging to your mental health.

For the sake of your daughter you need to speak to a professional who can help you understand what’s happening, if you won’t listen to us on here

Is that something you can do, for her?

Oh sweetheart, he's not phased by anything you say because he knows he can just wait you out.

He's sexually assaulting you and that's acceptable, so he'll just need to wait until he's ready to move to the next phase, then he kicks down another boundary.

I know relationships are nuanced, and advice can be contrary, but there are not many threads that unite MN like yours has. Allow yourself to really process why throngs of people are telling you to flee.

Oh this is so true. (One abusive relationship being ‘better’ because it’s less abusive than a previous one)

When I worked in DV I asked one woman whose boyfriend had just beaten her up why she stayed with him. She’d already said she didn’t want to end the relationship despite the fact they’d not been together long and didn't live with each other so non of the practical considerations. Apparently this boyfriend was so much better than the last one because when he hit her he ‘only’ slapped her but the previous boyfriend had used his fists and punched her.

Gosh, this is awful. I cannot imagine being with someone who insists / forces me to have sex when I don't want to. He sounds like a monster.

With kindness, those are not the actions of a loving partner.

Whilst I really appreciate the kind replies with constructive advice I don’t think I can continue to update this thread. I wish I could make the thread invitation only to those posters who post with kindness but alas, I cannot. And it is too hard to keep reading the harsh replies.