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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Clare's law request

821 replies

olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 18:19

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

OP posts:
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5
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/09/2025 18:55

your poor child having a mother that wants to bury her head in the sand, and only wants ' kind ' replies.

wake up and smell the coffee.

ilovepixie · 11/09/2025 19:23

olivietolivie · 05/09/2025 09:09

Thank you all for your constructive comments.

I have been in an abusive relationship before and it was horrible and frightening and miles apart from how this feels. I feel loved and supported and I thoroughly enjoy being in his company and spending time with him.

the sex part - it is primarily that he doesn’t accept when I don’t want to and forces me to. I know how awful that reads - but he isn’t hurting me.

He also is resistant to using a condom but I have spoken to him about that this week and said that we cannot take risks like unprotected sex anymore (he usually pulls out but recently didn’t) and he seemed accepting so hoping that next time will be ok.

Both of those paragraphs look awful now I’ve read them back but it’s such a small part of our relationship when this happens - otherwise we have a fantastic relationship and sex life.

So he is basically raping you and that’s ok. Why?

JustMyView13 · 11/09/2025 19:32

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/09/2025 18:55

your poor child having a mother that wants to bury her head in the sand, and only wants ' kind ' replies.

wake up and smell the coffee.

I’m just not convinced posts like this will ever persuade someone to align with your views. It’s OP’s life. These pages are for guidance & advice. Nobody is obligated to take the advice. But you can still be kind.

Blanca87 · 11/09/2025 19:38

JustMyView13 · 11/09/2025 19:32

I’m just not convinced posts like this will ever persuade someone to align with your views. It’s OP’s life. These pages are for guidance & advice. Nobody is obligated to take the advice. But you can still be kind.

No one is trying to get the op to align with their values they are trying to get op to protect herself and more importantly her child. Kindness won’t comfort the op if ishe ends up in a coffin at the hands of an abuser.

YesIReallyDidOK · 11/09/2025 19:50

I agree that some of the posts here have been too harsh. I think, in their frustration, some people have forgotten that you are a victim of domestic abuse and rape, and there is a tone of victim blaming from a few posters.

I also understand that it is extremely difficult and uncomfortable to face certain things which may be true. While it's uncomfortable, it's worth examining why these things are so difficult to read.

If I'm honest, my main concern throughout this thread has been your daughter rather than you. This is because I'm unfortunately well aware how children learn from the relationships their parents model to them. The patterns and behaviours we observe as children as our parents interact and react to other adults shapes our view of relationships. Children who grow up with parents who are in abusive relationships do suffer later in life, as their view of a normal, healthy relationship is skewed. Unfortunately, there isn't a way you can protect your child from this while you are still in an abusive relationship. However much you think you are protecting her, she is learning from your behaviour, and when she grows up her lack of healthy boundaries will mean she is at risk of ending up in the same situation you are.

The posters here, while sometimes too harsh, are appalled because you are in a terrible situation. This man, who is known to be abusive, has lied to you, manipulated you, and is now raping and sexually assaulting you.

Try to look at his actions, and not his words.

I'm sorry that reading this has been difficult. I wish you the best, and I hope this cycle doesn't continue.

JustMyView13 · 11/09/2025 19:59

Blanca87 · 11/09/2025 19:38

No one is trying to get the op to align with their values they are trying to get op to protect herself and more importantly her child. Kindness won’t comfort the op if ishe ends up in a coffin at the hands of an abuser.

Edited

Adults are ultimately responsible for their own choices & actions. Kindness will help OP work through her current situation and perhaps see things from alternative perspectives. Which in turn will keep her safe.
People being unkind will cause her to clam up, walk away from what could be a safe space to get support & ultimately make other (better) choices. That’s the point.

GeraniumRoseblush · 11/09/2025 20:45

OP, please don't leave the thread. I think there has been some excellent support and advice on here from people worried about you.

You came on here originally because you'd done a Clare's law request so obviously you felt something wasn't right and then your sexual assault update having so many concerned replies saying get rid of him, must be overwhelming.

I imagine you're trying to minimise this in your mind by making excuses for his behaviour, possibly even blaming yourself, or wondering if you're exaggerating etc. and its taking some time to come to terms with. But simply, he is not a good man and it is important that you take seriously lots of the comments from women who have had experience with men like this, not to mention the posters on here who work in DV.

And yes there are some posts that are harsh and unkind but despite them, keep posting as everyone, however they express it, wants you to take seriously the situation you're in and get you to understand he will only get worse.

However hard you think it would be to split up with him, you would be giving you and your daughter peace, and the alternative could be a slow motion carcrash of events out of your control.

SquishyGloopyBum · 12/09/2025 00:41

GeraniumRoseblush · 11/09/2025 20:45

OP, please don't leave the thread. I think there has been some excellent support and advice on here from people worried about you.

You came on here originally because you'd done a Clare's law request so obviously you felt something wasn't right and then your sexual assault update having so many concerned replies saying get rid of him, must be overwhelming.

I imagine you're trying to minimise this in your mind by making excuses for his behaviour, possibly even blaming yourself, or wondering if you're exaggerating etc. and its taking some time to come to terms with. But simply, he is not a good man and it is important that you take seriously lots of the comments from women who have had experience with men like this, not to mention the posters on here who work in DV.

And yes there are some posts that are harsh and unkind but despite them, keep posting as everyone, however they express it, wants you to take seriously the situation you're in and get you to understand he will only get worse.

However hard you think it would be to split up with him, you would be giving you and your daughter peace, and the alternative could be a slow motion carcrash of events out of your control.

Op, this is a very good post.

I know it’s hard for you in the thick of it. Something made you post in the first place though. Please don’t cut off MN.

Channellingsophistication · 12/09/2025 04:01

Please don't leave this thread and isolate yourself. You came here because you were concerned and people are probably saying what you don't really want to hear and that's difficult.

You know in your heart that it is not right to be forced to have sex, because that is rape. Just because he's not beating you black and blue doesnt mean he's not abusive. He wants to get you pregnant so you are more reliant on him and therefore you cannot leave. Being nice some of the time is part of the manipulation to make you question your feelings and think he's not a bad person.

Safely make arrangements to part from this man. What if he starts abusing your DD?

Channellingsophistication · 12/09/2025 04:11

The thing is you have been in an abusive relationship before. You do not think enough of yourself or think of yourself as being worthy of deserving more, which you of course do.

But if you look at it this way, do you think your DD doesn't deserve good treatment either?

By being in a poor relationship yourself she will learn what to expect when she is older. If she sees you being treated badly by a man, she will think that is normal and we seek a man to do the same for her.

I think your DD is worth more, don't you?

Quitelikeit · 13/09/2025 07:52

@olivietolivie

i totally understand why you would feel this way - it’s like they are baying for his blood 😩

the fact is op might be attracted to slightly dysfunctional men and well someone has to date them - we are all not perfect

Quitelikeit · 13/09/2025 07:53

I am dysfunctional on some levels 😆😆

AlertCat · 13/09/2025 08:27

Quitelikeit · 13/09/2025 07:52

@olivietolivie

i totally understand why you would feel this way - it’s like they are baying for his blood 😩

the fact is op might be attracted to slightly dysfunctional men and well someone has to date them - we are all not perfect

This man does not allow the OP to refuse sex. He forces her to do things she doesn’t want to do in bed. That isn’t “slightly dysfunctional”, it’s abuse and it’s rape. THAT is why we are so concerned for her.

I really hope she’s ended the relationship. @olivietolivie if you are still reading, it’s only been 6 months, you can see him for a coffee somewhere public or even message him, and just say look, it’s been fun but I don’t see a long-term relationship here and so I am ending it now. Please don’t contact me again, all the best. No big deal.

If you do, I would urge you to stay single for a long time. Five years it took me, but after those years I was able to see when someone was trying to manipulate me and coerce me, so I was able to avoid getting into yet another situation like that. But two years after I left my coercive ex I ended up with a man who became aggressive and then violent. I hadn’t learned enough to see AND ACT ON the red flags he waved at me while we were dating. I was thinking about you and your little girl the other day, and I really hope you can do this. It’s for you and for her, and by staying single just you and her you will have a beautiful relationship with her. Honestly, my dd and I are close and as a teen now, we still hang out and go on holiday without having an row and she tells me about her friendships and so on. We wouldn’t have that, if I had stayed in either the relationship I got into or the one with her dad. I wasn’t able to be discerning or enforce my boundaries because of my anxious attachment and CPTSD from a dysfunctional relationship with my parents. I’m married now and I am happy, and so is my dd, but we would both have been miserable if I hadn’t spent those years on my own. Please DM me if you like, I really feel for you and want you to be ok.

DorothyStorm · 13/09/2025 09:25

Quitelikeit · 13/09/2025 07:52

@olivietolivie

i totally understand why you would feel this way - it’s like they are baying for his blood 😩

the fact is op might be attracted to slightly dysfunctional men and well someone has to date them - we are all not perfect

Actually, nobody has to date a rapist. If rapists want to date they should try not raping people. As an absolute minimum in human decency.

saying women have to be with shitty rapist men is utterly ridiculous.

whathaveiforgotten · 13/09/2025 09:32

Quitelikeit · 13/09/2025 07:52

@olivietolivie

i totally understand why you would feel this way - it’s like they are baying for his blood 😩

the fact is op might be attracted to slightly dysfunctional men and well someone has to date them - we are all not perfect

Slightly dysfunctional?

Have you read OP’s most recent few updates?

He is forcing her to have sex when she says no. He is raping her.

Please tell me you missed that rather than seeing it and still writing this post?!

EverybodyLTB · 13/09/2025 11:24

“We’re not all perfect” wow, so profound! Should we be saying that about paedos and murderers, too? Fucking hell, this is why so many women are in a mess in this world. Attitudes like this 🤦‍♀️

olivietolivie · 13/10/2025 16:55

I wanted to update you all to let you know I have ended the relationship. Thank you for all the support and advice.

OP posts:
finallyicandomyhistory · 13/10/2025 16:57

I am really relived to hear this, as I’m sure many others will be. Can I ask what made you choose to end it (don’t feel obliged to answer that if you’d rather not)?

humpty74 · 13/10/2025 16:57

I hope you're ok op x

finallyicandomyhistory · 13/10/2025 16:58

Relieved, I mean! Can’t edit in the app (I don’t think)

Endofyear · 13/10/2025 17:01

That's very good news OP and hope you're doing ok 💐

kellygoeswest · 13/10/2025 17:06

Thanks for the update - I hope all is well?

olivietolivie · 13/10/2025 17:16

Lots of reasons really. I don’t even know where to begin. I know it’s the right decision but I feel really sad.

OP posts:
humpty74 · 13/10/2025 17:18

I hope he took it ok and you feel safe. Break ups are rubbish, knowing it's the right choice doesn't always make it easier.

MsJinks · 13/10/2025 17:19

Aw - you’re bound to feel sad at the minute OP - but you’ll soon realise it’s more restful without him as well.
Well done - it will benefit you massively in the end - you did this, you did the best thing for you - it’s a real achievement.