Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

”I have been in an abusive relationship before”

And there’s your issue OP.

You are deeply traumatised already so you’re not recognising different types of abuse.

Not every abusive man is horrible all of the time - and certainly not in the early days. Your ex may have been more overtly abusive all of the time whereas this one is lovely until you’re in bed, and then he forces you to have sex, refuses to take no for an answer, and is “resistant” to wearing a condom.

A couple of questions for you OP:

What would happen if you tried to stop him having sex with you - would you feel safe?
Are you scared to tell him no means no?
Do you think it’s acceptable for a man to force a woman to have sex if she doesn’t want to?
What would you think if your daughter told you her relationship was like this? Do you think you deserve less?

I imagine you’re saying “oh it’s not rape because I don’t put up a fight and let him just get on with it, and he doesn’t hurt me.” That’s still rape. He’s removing your right to say no and coercing you to have sex.

No matter how wonderful he is the rest of the time, there is nothing that makes this ok.

I think perhaps the trauma you carry from your past abuse is blinding you to what’s going on here.

Ultimately it’s your choice. If you think that being raped and coerced for sex is a price worth paying to enjoy his company the rest of the time, then it’s your call. The risk is though that his behaviour will escalate and I’m genuinely worried you’re going to get hurt.

For your daughter’s sake, please have a think about what you believe feeling safe and loved should look like - and consider how being raped fits into that. I don’t want something to happen to you. There’s already a Clare’s law disclosure against him, and now this. He is not a good man.

I agree with @SecretSoul . You're not comparing him to a good man and seeing how he falls short. You're comparing him to a bad man who hurt you in the past and thinking "Well, he's better than that". But don't let a bad man set the standard.

I understand what it's like when there's something you won't quite let yourself know. Don't stop talking about this, OP.

You've gone from drinking water that is poisoned with arsenic to drinking water that is poisoned with strychnine, and thinking it's somehow less lethal.

He's raping you because he's trying to get you pregnant and trapped - and that's when his full poisonous nature will show.

And you'll be here, saying what a 'good dad' he is.

this is rape. have you real life support? are you taking morning after pill. have you had sti check?

With all due respect, the things you are saying are eerily similar to the abusive relationship I was in that ended up in serious DV when I was pregnant.

he never forced me to have sex, but pushed boundaries sexually in other ways (the keeping me in bed part you mention, not using condoms and not always pulling out etc.)

you really need to speak to a therapist and not mumsnet. Maybe that will help you see that you need to leave.

I really hope this is a drawn out work of creative writing, or a far right rage bate post.

I have been a feminist all my life, and could write screeds here about the progress women have made in our rights and how (relatively) fortunate we British women are, so this is so so upsetting to read. It challenges all my instincts and learning that women are not to blame, and that our relatively oppressed position in society mean that decisions to continue in abusive relationships are taken in that context. I suppose this situation is an outlier, but dear god OP you are challenging us!

I feel a bit sick reading all these replies. I’m a bit that I’m reading this situation is so bad that people think I’m making it up. It doesn’t feel bad to me. I accept I have a poor frame of reference.

one thing I can’t quite work is why he would be trying to make me pregnant. He knows I don’t want anymore children and I have said that it if I were to accidentally get pregnant i wouldn’t keep it so what can he possibly have to gain by making me pregnant.

I am going on the pill again. I’ve been on Mounjaro all year so haven’t been able to take it but I had my last injection last week so I will be able to go back on it soon. I haven’t been on the pill for years as I was single for a few years before I met him. And believe it or not during that time I had therapy which covered my previous abusive relationship.

I don’t feel like going on the pill is something I need to do in secret because I’ve told him I’ll be going on the pill again soon and he was as accepting as if I’d just told him I was going to go to the shop for some milk. He was not phased by it at all.

What exactly do you mean when you say he forces you to have sex when you don't want to OP? I think many of us are really concerned about this.

one thing I can’t quite work is why he would be trying to make me pregnant. He knows I don’t want anymore children and I have said that it if I were to accidentally get pregnant i wouldn’t keep it so what can he possibly have to gain by making me pregnant.

This is a man who rapes you. He actively enjoys forcing you to do things you don't want to do. He doesn't care that you don't want more children, that you'll have an abortion. He just wants to force you to get pregnant. It's just another way to demonstrate his control of you, his power over you.

You don't matter to him. You're not a person to him, just a toy, a plaything. He'll play with you until he breaks you and then just toss you away.

I’m going to say the horrible thing. You are failing your daughter by remaining in a relationship with an abuser. A rapist.

I hope to goodness she hasn’t met him, although your judgement is on the floor when it comes to this man so I shouldn’t be surprised. Please OP. Tell a therapist, tell a friend, tell someone in real life if you think we’re all hysterical harpies getting the wrong end of the stick. Tell them he forces you to have sex and you’re scared to break up with him, and the Clare’s Law. They will not advise you any differently than we have, I’d bet my house on it. Please keep your wits about you and learn about abuse. Not your own previous experience, but what abuse constitutes and patterns of operation. Him not being exactly the same as your last abuser does not make him any less of one. What he’s been doing is abuse under the law.

@olivietolivie if you have been using Mounjaro for the last year, there are even more reasons why pregnancy should have been avoided. There should have been absolutely no risk of it. Yet you blithely let this man have sex with you without using a condom.

Did you explain the additional risks inherent in so doing?

Even if you did explain, you knew yourself that pregnancy must be avoided when a woman is on MJ.

Let's set that aside.

Your latest post doesn't address all the comments about the rapes you've been subjected to.

If your daughter told you that her boyfriend was repeatedly raping her, what would you say to her?

And have you introduced your daughter to the man who is assaulting you and raping you and playing fast and loose with your reproductive health?

Does he want a child?

It could either be that he thinks that when it happens he can persuade you to keep it, or he could then use the fact that you didn't keep it in arguments to make you more likely to go along with other things. Oh woe is me, you got rid of my baby and now you won't even do this other thing for me.

He doesn’t care about you. HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU.

A caring man would hear you and not even push against your boundaries. He would not be refusing to use safe sex contraception (have you or he had a sexual health check? If not, how do you know he doesn’t have an infection? You don’t, they aren’t all or always symptomatic.) and he wouldn’t be playing fast and loose with your body. Please tell me your rationale for accepting his behaviour, @olivietolivie - please explain why you are choosing to accept and excuse his sexual predation in your bed. Not by referring to how lovely he is being out of bed, but why his repeated breaches of your clearly stated right to refuse consent are acceptable to you? I am really, really struggling to understand your rationale.

I’ll share something else, as you already know I got into 2 abusive relationships because I had no idea how to respect my own boundaries; with my now partner, I actually thought he didn’t fancy me because he was so respectful of my boundaries, history, and peace of mind that we didn’t sleep together for months. When we did, it was with enthusiastic consent on both sides and absolute tenderness and respect. When I said I wasn’t on any form of contraception, he went and bought condoms. And he used them! Even though he would prefer not to, he used them. I never had to ask him. I have never had to worry- when I lost my libido with perimenopause and I was always saying no to him, he accepted my no with grace and respect each and every time. This is what your relationship SHOULD look like.

Maybe he's not trying to get you pregnant, maybe he's just prioritising his own sexual pleasure and really doesn't give a shit what the outcome is. He really does sound like a wrong un and you deserve better.

@olivietolivie i’ll put it another way. If he smacked you (or your daughter) when he was irritated, but was lovely the rest of the time, would you accept that as part of your relationship and worth putting up with because he was nice otherwise?

Many of us feel that if it’s not physical punches, it’s not that bad. But it is that bad. It really really is. And you don’t have to accept it. It’s not like leaving the toilet seat up, or farting in bed. It’s not a foible. Breaching your boundaries and disrespecting you, not caring about you is a fundamental part of who this man is. You cannot trust him to keep you safe and you sure as hell cannot trust him to keep your daughter safe.

He can't be doing anything other than trying to get you pregnant. The only people that should use withdrawal are the ones who are planning to have a baby but haven't decided to try properly yet or think it would be better timed a bit later to get an autumn baby.

@olivietolivie what happens if you say no with zero room for doubt. Get upset. Leave the bed? Or do you not feel that that would be safe to do? It sounds like you don't see him forcing you as a big deal, like it's just a quirk and maybe he doesn't understand you said no.

How much of your other interactions actually involve him really wanting something and you saying something else? Like one of you wants to go to a steak restaurant and the other hates steak? Or one wants to go out and the other wants to stay in and cook together? Or do you find that you always want to do what he does so you don't know the answer?

Imagine what you'd say to your best friend or your daughter when she's an adult if they told you someone was having sex with them without their consent . Just because you don't fight him doesn't mean it's not rape. The only consent is enthusiastic consent.

He's going to get you pregnant because you don't want to get pregnant.

He's going to make you keep it because he will have a story about always wanting his own child with YOU and how could you take this away from him.

He's going to ramp up his abuse when you are pregnant.

You are going to be trapped with a connection to this rapist for about 18 years.

He doesn't care that you're going on the pill because there will be some sabotage of the pill or he will create an imaginary obstacle as to why you can't get it prescribed or you can't get your hands on it.

I agree with the others. He couldn't care less about you of he is raping you. That's not love, its control.

I feel so sorry for your daughter. You are 100% putting your needs before her. I hope she has someone secure in her life that can safeguard her against him and you.

You need to go back for more therapy.
Why do you think he respects the I don't want to get pregnant....he doesn't respect I don't want sex? He doesn't use contraception, you don't use contraception do you think not wanting to be pregnant is contraception....withdrawal definitely isn't.....one or both of you want it. It's all control and he will have done it to others. Throwing some love bombing into the mix.
Do you feel it's all your worth?

Op my ex convinced me to come off the pill years ago and said he’d use withdrawal method. Guess what, he didn’t, and I ended up pregnant. I was naive and gullible. If I’d had time to think about having a child with him there’s no way I would have. I’ve been stuck to him 18 years now and he’s a horrible dad. Took 14 years to get away from the relationship as it was so complex. Do yourself and more importantly your daughter a favour and run.

So you're not going to address the fact that he forces you to have sex - that is rape. He is raping you.

Oh and @olivietolivie I was on the pill for the entire time I was on Mounjaro, you’re supposed to use more protection not less.