Page 9 | I think he doesn’t want me to leave my things in his house?

doddlerrs · 2025-01-11T15:11:18+00:00

So I left a small drawstring bag in my BF’s house with underwear, a change of clothes, sanitary products and a deodorant. Just in case. Never needed to use it. Now that he is about to move houses he gave the bag back for me to take home. He will pay for professional movers to pack and move all his furniture and his stuff so I asked him (joking) if my small bag is too much or too heavy for the movers? He said he was concerned that the movers would pack my bag in a random box and it would get ‘lost’ or he wouldn’t know where my bag would be in case I needed in the new house but not everything was unpacked… Then a week later when he got the keys to the new house, he told me that he took 3 round trips bringing his personal stuff that he did not want the movers to pack/carry. This was his plan all along though, I even remember trying to reason with him. What is the point of paying £££ for professional packers and movers if you have to do round trips yourself! So I thought to myself, sure my very small and light drawstring bag could be added to his trips rather than giving it back to me if it was true he was concerned about the movers not packing it properly?? I can’t help but think he doesn’t want my things in his new house and that is his way of saying it? BTW the new house is 3x bigger. More storage. And he is not getting rid of almost anything. Only broken stuff. This is odd, isn’t it?

BalladOfBarry · 12/01/2025 10:06

I think the issue is being missed here.

The op is in what she thinks is an exclusive relationship, yet her bf is taking great steps to ensure she leaves no trace of being at his.

Not even a hair grip.

When she asked if it was okay to leave a bag, he said yes, but hid it, and has given it back to her now.

bluegreygreen · 12/01/2025 10:22

'Hid it' - or placed it openly on a shelf in a room ...

Daisy12Maisie · 12/01/2025 10:31

If I was moving I wouldn't want any unnecessary stuff.
For example my son visits at weekends and stores his stuff at my house (which is fine). But if I was packing up to move I would ask him to keep his stuff at my mums for a few weeks/ months until it was sorted. It's the same as people decluttering when they move. You could bring the bag back after he has settled.
I personally wouldn't mind my partner having things at my house but I would also expect him to move them if I was moving and I would find it annoying/ stressful if he didn't.

OurDreamLife · 12/01/2025 10:31

I think the issue is being missed too. It sounds like FWB who have some days out as part of the set up with you doing all of the travelling by bus. Any man I’ve ever dated would be offering to pick me up and drop me home not asking if I’ve got everything and saying cya.

It wouldn’t be weird for him to spend some time at your flat to make it a bit more 50/50. It would only be weird if he came over for nothing but sex.

He couldn’t keep your lives more separate if he tried and that’s what would bother me.

Scorpiosun · 12/01/2025 10:49

I get it op. It feels off because it is. He doesn’t want your things at his house because he is not committed to you. It’s very hurtful, but I would cut my losses with this man and move on.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 12/01/2025 11:03

OurDreamLife · 12/01/2025 10:31

I think the issue is being missed too. It sounds like FWB who have some days out as part of the set up with you doing all of the travelling by bus. Any man I’ve ever dated would be offering to pick me up and drop me home not asking if I’ve got everything and saying cya.

It wouldn’t be weird for him to spend some time at your flat to make it a bit more 50/50. It would only be weird if he came over for nothing but sex.

He couldn’t keep your lives more separate if he tried and that’s what would bother me.

Why are you assuming he drives?

Original poster

doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 11:03

OurDreamLife · 12/01/2025 10:31

I think the issue is being missed too. It sounds like FWB who have some days out as part of the set up with you doing all of the travelling by bus. Any man I’ve ever dated would be offering to pick me up and drop me home not asking if I’ve got everything and saying cya.

It wouldn’t be weird for him to spend some time at your flat to make it a bit more 50/50. It would only be weird if he came over for nothing but sex.

He couldn’t keep your lives more separate if he tried and that’s what would bother me.

He doesn’t have a car.
The 3x trip with his personal belongings was done via tube or uber and that is why I think is excessive as he is already paying for movers. But anyway, not my money so not my problem.

I have never intendend for him to spend any time at my house at all and I made it clear from the start. We do meet at various locations all around town and do activities 99% of the time so he does travelling too.

But I agree that it seems more like FWB - maybe because of the way it is set up or maybe because how he sees it. Heck maybe even because how I see it.

But as stressful and as messy as moving is - taking a small and light bag with his personal belongings IN MY OPINION would not add any inconvinience for him IN MY OPINION.

BTW - why would I need to refresh the bag?? there are no dirty tampons in there. The outfit is for an emergency, is a jumpsuit - if it is cold I can wear a coat.
It is an EMERGENCY bag. Like I said - just in case I need it. It is not an overnight bag.

I wanted to leave the bag there because one day I needed period supplies and didnt have any (My period had finished that week and misteriously came back SHOOT ME - omg I didn’t have a tampon in my handbag, how dosorganised). Then after that, a bus splashed me and I was soaked with dirty water. That day I was not planning to sleep over so I didn’t have an overnight bag with me. But if I already had an extra outfit there just in case (like I do now) I woudn’t need to wear his pijamas.

I never needed my emergency bag to date. Why would it need refreshing? The clothes there are clean. Do period supplies and deodorant have an expiry date???

Anyway - to me it comes down to personality as if the situation was inverted, I would not think twice at tossing a BF’s small emergency bag he left in my house (if he did, he hasn’t) with my own personal belongings as I would see the bag as something he wants in my house. I would trust he would ask for the bag back if he thought it needed ‘refreshing’. That is not for me to monitor. And in any doubt I would ask what he prefers me to do.

In my own mindset and personality I would see this as: he wanted the bag in my house I will ensure it is there (old house/new house, whatever). Why on earh would I give it back??

But I appreciate people are different.

OP posts:

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 12/01/2025 11:20

You're spot on doddlers when you said all it would take is him to say, 'would you like me to put your wee bag with my personal belongings and take it over to the new house or do you want to take it home and then bring it back when I've properly moved'. To me, that's how a normal partner/bf would deal with that situation.

burnoutbabe · 12/01/2025 11:31

My reference to "refreshing the supply's" was more to be offer it as a. Option. Ie he keeps it and takes it over or asks if you want to keep it dies short while.

It's even more daft that this is purely for emergencies and you also have to take each time clean pants/socks and T-shirt and toothpaste and toothbrush and deodorant and bag for dirty clothes. After a year that stuff should just be ins drawer in his bedrock as normal. Unless more of a fwb.

Original poster

doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 11:41

But as stressful and as messy as moving is - taking a small and light bag with his personal belongings IN MY OPINION would not add any inconvinience for him IN MY OPINION.

my

OP posts:

Original poster

doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 11:55

burnoutbabe · 12/01/2025 11:31

My reference to "refreshing the supply's" was more to be offer it as a. Option. Ie he keeps it and takes it over or asks if you want to keep it dies short while.

It's even more daft that this is purely for emergencies and you also have to take each time clean pants/socks and T-shirt and toothpaste and toothbrush and deodorant and bag for dirty clothes. After a year that stuff should just be ins drawer in his bedrock as normal. Unless more of a fwb.

Nah

My emergency bag there is all I need for the days there is an energency. Like there was in the past.

I’m good with bringing other stuff back and forth if I stay overnigh. I never needed a drawer or wardrobe space. Oh well, maybe this fact makes the whole thing FWB 🙄

I usually have toothbrushand toothpaste in my handbag anyway wherever I go. An old habit.

I can use his socks if I need too. And his deodorant.
Wearing his pijamas out in the streets was a bit ridiculous but I was fine with that too.

So I could even make the bag smaller with tampons / pads only if I wanted.

But regardless of the nature of the relationship - if it is true that my small bag annoys him and crosses his boundaries then it is not for me.
a) because he doesn’t want my emergency bag there but also b) he deceived me in his communication and used a shitty excuse to convey the message

OP posts:

WeightLoss2025 · 12/01/2025 12:12

The other thing that I find particularly ridiculous is you getting so worked up about having this bag at his house, when you don't even have HIM, as a person, in your own house.

I completely understand, and commend you for, not wanting to have your partner in your home with your children. I have always been the exact same.

BUT it's simply ridiculous to get all pissed off about your little bag being in his home when he doesn't even get invited to yours. It's so utterly hypocritical.

And the fact that this would signal the end of an otherwise good relationship, with a set up that suits you, is so OTT.

NorthernGirl1981 · 12/01/2025 12:14

doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 11:55

Nah

My emergency bag there is all I need for the days there is an energency. Like there was in the past.

I’m good with bringing other stuff back and forth if I stay overnigh. I never needed a drawer or wardrobe space. Oh well, maybe this fact makes the whole thing FWB 🙄

I usually have toothbrushand toothpaste in my handbag anyway wherever I go. An old habit.

I can use his socks if I need too. And his deodorant.
Wearing his pijamas out in the streets was a bit ridiculous but I was fine with that too.

So I could even make the bag smaller with tampons / pads only if I wanted.

But regardless of the nature of the relationship - if it is true that my small bag annoys him and crosses his boundaries then it is not for me.
a) because he doesn’t want my emergency bag there but also b) he deceived me in his communication and used a shitty excuse to convey the message

Edited

Show quote history

To be fair, the fact you only want to keep stuff at his for emergency reasons, as opposed to just having stuff there because it feels natural, probably says to him that you view the relationship as casual too.

I can’t imagine a situation where I’d been with someone for 14 months and I would be trekking back and forth to his with underwear and a toothbrush in my handbag.

The whole set up is non-committal. If anything I think you probably come across to him as being the one who is the least committed of the two of you.

You complain he tries to remove all trace of you from his apartment, yet you won’t even let him in yours or become part of your life.

If you are staying out overnight and going on day trips together then I’m guessing your ‘child’ is actually quite old? So what’s the problem with your boyfriend being at your house and your child getting to know him?

Sounds like you’re the one who wants to keep the relationship on a casual basis to be honest.

BeLilacSloth · 12/01/2025 12:18

doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 11:55

Nah

My emergency bag there is all I need for the days there is an energency. Like there was in the past.

I’m good with bringing other stuff back and forth if I stay overnigh. I never needed a drawer or wardrobe space. Oh well, maybe this fact makes the whole thing FWB 🙄

I usually have toothbrushand toothpaste in my handbag anyway wherever I go. An old habit.

I can use his socks if I need too. And his deodorant.
Wearing his pijamas out in the streets was a bit ridiculous but I was fine with that too.

So I could even make the bag smaller with tampons / pads only if I wanted.

But regardless of the nature of the relationship - if it is true that my small bag annoys him and crosses his boundaries then it is not for me.
a) because he doesn’t want my emergency bag there but also b) he deceived me in his communication and used a shitty excuse to convey the message

Edited

Show quote history

Sounds like a very odd relationship you have…

Original poster

doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 12:19

NorthernGirl1981 · 12/01/2025 12:14

To be fair, the fact you only want to keep stuff at his for emergency reasons, as opposed to just having stuff there because it feels natural, probably says to him that you view the relationship as casual too.

I can’t imagine a situation where I’d been with someone for 14 months and I would be trekking back and forth to his with underwear and a toothbrush in my handbag.

The whole set up is non-committal. If anything I think you probably come across to him as being the one who is the least committed of the two of you.

You complain he tries to remove all trace of you from his apartment, yet you won’t even let him in yours or become part of your life.

If you are staying out overnight and going on day trips together then I’m guessing your ‘child’ is actually quite old? So what’s the problem with your boyfriend being at your house and your child getting to know him?

Sounds like you’re the one who wants to keep the relationship on a casual basis to be honest.

Show quote history

Like I said regardless of the nature of the relationship:

a) YES is a deal breaker if my small emergency bag in an incovenience

b) it is a deal breaker that he can’t communicate the above honestly and directly - and needs to use an excuse to give the bag back

As it is clear from the OP - this thread is to discuss the emergency bag.

OP posts:

Original poster

doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 12:19

NorthernGirl1981 · 12/01/2025 12:14

To be fair, the fact you only want to keep stuff at his for emergency reasons, as opposed to just having stuff there because it feels natural, probably says to him that you view the relationship as casual too.

I can’t imagine a situation where I’d been with someone for 14 months and I would be trekking back and forth to his with underwear and a toothbrush in my handbag.

The whole set up is non-committal. If anything I think you probably come across to him as being the one who is the least committed of the two of you.

You complain he tries to remove all trace of you from his apartment, yet you won’t even let him in yours or become part of your life.

If you are staying out overnight and going on day trips together then I’m guessing your ‘child’ is actually quite old? So what’s the problem with your boyfriend being at your house and your child getting to know him?

Sounds like you’re the one who wants to keep the relationship on a casual basis to be honest.

Show quote history

Like I said regardless of the nature of the relationship:

a) YES is a deal breaker if my small emergency bag in an incovenience

b) it is a deal breaker that he can’t communicate the above honestly and directly - and needs to use an excuse to give the bag back

As it is clear from the OP - this thread is to discuss the emergency bag.

OP posts:

BCSurvivor · 12/01/2025 12:20

OP what I've taken from your posts is:

1 - You've been in a relationship for 14 months.
2 - It's all one way, you go to his by public transport, he never comes to yours or picks you up.
3 - You have teenage children at home who he has never met...are they home alone while you frequently stay with your partner?
4 - You have an emergency bag at his house, he gave it back to you during a house move, you expected him to take it with him.
5 - You don't want to move the relationship forward, have no intention of living together, he appears the same.
6 - More angst over the bag.

Have you met any of his friends after all this time, has he met any of yours?

Original poster

doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 12:20

BeLilacSloth · 12/01/2025 12:18

Sounds like a very odd relationship you have…

Show quote history

Like I said regardless of the nature of the relationship:

a) YES is a deal breaker if my small emergency bag in an incovenience

b) it is a deal breaker that he can’t communicate the above honestly and directly - and needs to use an excuse to give the bag back

As it is clear from the OP - this thread is to discuss the emergency bag.

OP posts:

Original poster

doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 12:22

BCSurvivor · 12/01/2025 12:20

OP what I've taken from your posts is:

1 - You've been in a relationship for 14 months.
2 - It's all one way, you go to his by public transport, he never comes to yours or picks you up.
3 - You have teenage children at home who he has never met...are they home alone while you frequently stay with your partner?
4 - You have an emergency bag at his house, he gave it back to you during a house move, you expected him to take it with him.
5 - You don't want to move the relationship forward, have no intention of living together, he appears the same.
6 - More angst over the bag.

Have you met any of his friends after all this time, has he met any of yours?

Edited

You are wrong about 3 as I never discussed this here so it’s your assumption and your question at the end is not important to the thread.

Like I said regardless of the nature of the relationship:

a) YES is a deal breaker if my small emergency bag in an incovenience

b) it is a deal breaker that he can’t communicate the above honestly and directly - and needs to use an excuse to give the bag back

As it is clear from the OP - this thread is to discuss the emergency bag.

OP posts:

BeLilacSloth · 12/01/2025 12:25

doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 12:20

Like I said regardless of the nature of the relationship:

a) YES is a deal breaker if my small emergency bag in an incovenience

b) it is a deal breaker that he can’t communicate the above honestly and directly - and needs to use an excuse to give the bag back

As it is clear from the OP - this thread is to discuss the emergency bag.

Show quote history

OP do you have any hobbies? Besides contemplating this emergency bag?

AnonAnonmystery · 12/01/2025 12:28

doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 12:22

You are wrong about 3 as I never discussed this here so it’s your assumption and your question at the end is not important to the thread.

Like I said regardless of the nature of the relationship:

a) YES is a deal breaker if my small emergency bag in an incovenience

b) it is a deal breaker that he can’t communicate the above honestly and directly - and needs to use an excuse to give the bag back

As it is clear from the OP - this thread is to discuss the emergency bag.

Show quote history

@doddlerrs I don’t think this discussion can move forward if you respond to all comments with the same reply. Yes it’s about the bag specifically however it’s about your wider relationship and how you see things vs how he sees things.

I do have sympathy with you however you are being very defensive here - has he met your kids and do you slowly want to move the relationship forward in the future? I think that’s what most posters are wondering. There’s a lot you are not disclosing so I don’t see a way forward unless you have a proper conversation with him about the bag and anything else that’s bothering you. Work on it or break it off if you can’t.

SophiaSW1 · 12/01/2025 12:30

I think this says he not that into you to be honest,

BCSurvivor · 12/01/2025 12:32

AnonAnonmystery · 12/01/2025 12:28

@doddlerrs I don’t think this discussion can move forward if you respond to all comments with the same reply. Yes it’s about the bag specifically however it’s about your wider relationship and how you see things vs how he sees things.

I do have sympathy with you however you are being very defensive here - has he met your kids and do you slowly want to move the relationship forward in the future? I think that’s what most posters are wondering. There’s a lot you are not disclosing so I don’t see a way forward unless you have a proper conversation with him about the bag and anything else that’s bothering you. Work on it or break it off if you can’t.

Show quote history

I agree with this.
Without a few basic missing details surrounding the relationship as a whole it's impossible to give constructive advice.

IslandPier · 12/01/2025 12:33

@BeLilacSloth 😂

Cornecopia · 12/01/2025 12:37

It’s his house. If he doesn’t want your stuff there then that’s that. It’s no big deal really is it.
id be annoyed if someone I was seeing kept leaving stuff at mine. Leave it in your car