I think he doesn’t want me to leave my things in his house?

[doddlerrs]

So I left a small drawstring bag in my BF’s house with underwear, a change of clothes, sanitary products and a deodorant.

Just in case. Never needed to use it.

Now that he is about to move houses he gave the bag back for me to take home.

He will pay for professional movers to pack and move all his furniture and his stuff so I asked him (joking) if my small bag is too much or too heavy for the movers?

He said he was concerned that the movers would pack my bag in a random box and it would get ‘lost’ or he wouldn’t know where my bag would be in case I needed in the new house but not everything was unpacked…

Then a week later when he got the keys to the new house, he told me that he took 3 round trips bringing his personal stuff that he did not want the movers to pack/carry. This was his plan all along though, I even remember trying to reason with him. What is the point of paying £££ for professional packers and movers if you have to do round trips yourself!
So I thought to myself, sure my very small and light drawstring bag could be added to his trips rather than giving it back to me if it was true he was concerned about the movers not packing it properly??

I can’t help but think he doesn’t want my things in his new house and that is his way of saying it?

BTW the new house is 3x bigger. More storage.
And he is not getting rid of almost anything. Only broken stuff.

This is odd, isn’t it?

I so agree. This is the ultimate "women over think everything" thread. Man asks woman to take her bag back so it doesn't get misplaced and now the woman thinks they aren't compatible and she might have to leave him! Madness 🤯

Agree. After more than a year of dating is it necessary to play these games and second guess everything instead of just asking “can I have a spare drawer for my hairbrush and pants?

But surely it won't be misplaced if he just took it over on one of the 3 trips he made with personal stuff?

Or he may say -do you want it back or shall I take it (to update clean outfit in there, swap out tampons for newer ones)

Returning it does strike me as odd. And a bit final. But assuming he has moved I'd take it over next time I visit and ask where I can leave it. Then decide if there is an issue.

Carrying around a ton of extra items each time you visit doesn't sound normal after a few months. Women need more stuff than men! And probably prefer to wear clean stuff the next day.

OP you keep going on and on and on about the bag!
This isn't really about the bag, this is about a lack of communication within your relationship, which, tbh, really does sound more of a fwb arrangement than a committed relationship.
It's been over a year, honestly just end it or accept it for what it is.
If you do confront him about the bag you're just forcing him into a corner, if he says yes - because you've gone on and on and on about it - is that really a win?

How old is he? Has he lived with someone before?

Of course it makes sense for him to give the bag back before the move. I am a woman and would have done the same—this isn’t a male vs female thing at all. Have none if you ever moved before? Its really hard to know where everything is in a new house. What if she needed her emergency stash but he hadn’t unpacked the box? Wouldn’t the whole point of her emergency never used stuff in a back bedroom be missed if it ended up in one if those boxes packed by movers that doesn’t get opened for months?

I would have expected my gf to want to take charge of her own crap. Either because she needed it during the move or wanted to refresh the bag.

Whatever—the idea that this was nefarious signaling of a lack of care on his part was not indicated by this story. Maybe OP is right that he doesn’t consider her a partner, more of a fuckbuddy, but its not proven here by this action.

OP you are incredibly intense.
Its your bag , your bag that could easily be kept in your car.
To an outsider it sounds like you are leaving your sh.. to mark your territory in his home.

Sometimes No means No and it’s very irritating to have to keep saying No to A GF who is selectively deaf

OP uses public transport to get there.

Actions speak louder than words.

I think it’s very odd.

Is he usually territorial?

I am with OP, it's weird that he's being weird about a bag being left. My boyfriend keeps asking me all the time to leave stuff at his place!

@Pumpkinpie1

Sometimes No means No and it’s very irritating to have to keep saying No to A GF who is selectively deaf

Maybe you are reading a different thread
If he said NO it would actually be better than saying yes when he doesn’t mean it

Wait you said he had down 3 loads transferring his own stuff? How is that not preparing at all. I think you are reading way more into this than there is because it does seem like he is preparing personal stuff for the move and part of that was dealing with your personal stuff and keeping it safe.

Moving is hugely stressful, let him sort himself out for now.

When did you next plan to see each other?

Here’s a question for you OP……if you weren’t so resolutely averse to moving in together, do you think he might be interested in the idea?

Because if he would ideally like to slowly move towards living together, given the chance, maybe he feels resentful that you’re so opposed to the idea? (I noticed your reference to DC so absolutely understand why - I just wonder if there’s some resentment there).

And if he wouldn’t want to be working towards living together, even if it was viable, maybe he doesn’t like someone “marking out their territory” at his house? I can remember feeling prickly about a bf being overly familiar with my house. It made me feel weird and I didn’t like it, even though I quite liked him!

He might not even be consciously sure about what he thinks/feels about leaving your stuff there hence his rather vague answers.

Sometimes it's better to read posts with more care. Because no one has said no in this scenario so no one has any idea what you are referring to.

OP, you asked if you could leave stuff there way back and he said yes. He told you he was passing them to you during the move so they didn't get muddled and lost in the chaos. He has never said anything negative about the stuff being at his. Unless he was snarling at you whilst passing them to you I don't know why you are second guessing his motives.

Most of the time when someone says something it's just as they say. He is in the middle of moving. Moving is chaotic. He thought you would prefer to take your pouch until the chaos was over.

I can easily imagine a man not wanting crucial items like San-pro to get lost in a box because periods are something that seem like a big deal that you wouldn't want to be missing your kit for, to them.

When you move, all boxes aren't open immediately and things get lost.

The man is trying to move house which is incredibly stressful and time consuming! OP please don’t expect this man to buy you a new outfit and buy you new tampons, i’m sure he has so much more on his mind right now 🥴

I meant the op changes the outfit over to something new. Not the boyfriend!

Like it's winter now so needs jumper over light t-shirt. Ie she refreshes the bag contents.

I think the fact he said "I won't know where it is in case you need it in new house" seems to indicate he's expecting it to be at the new house when you need it. He's just not wanting to take responsibility for it.

The fact he did 3 trips with his own personal belongings leads me to think it's more about his anxiety around personal belongings than your bag being at either property.

I would have packed it up in my car with all the other valuables and bits like kettle, phone charger etc that I need to be able to access quickly. Obviously I would have mentioned it to my OH and give them the option to bring it over. I wouldn’t have framed it as “have it back”.

But he said yes and meant no. Now he’s given you your bag back in a clear indication he doesn’t want it in his house, and you are still going to take it back knowing he doesn’t want it there.

LISTEN TO HIM however he chooses to communicate. @Pumpkinpie1 comment stands. You are ignoring his wishes and forcing this bloody bag on him.

OP has said multiple times that even though he said yes to the bag she knows he meant no. But she took him at face value and is now going to play him at his own game and take the bag back.

The fact that you’ve been together for 14 months and there is so much drama and angst over a bag indicates this isn’t a relationship worth pursuing.

You said you have no desire to merge lives and he doesn’t want your bag in his house (in your opinion) and it all just sounds a bit juvenile.

I’d cut your losses OP, the meaning of your relationship shouldn’t be dependent on whether he wants your bag in his house or not. It sounds like something a 17 year old girl would be stressing about after 2 weeks of being with her new boyfriend. There really shouldn’t be this much drama.

Christ, I think you, and others are massively overthinking things here.

He's given it back to you because it's one extra thing to think about during the move, and he doesn't want to risk losing it, whether it's the movers moving it or him. Far better to let you keep it until the chaos is over.

He's said he's fine with you having stuff there, so take him at face value. Once he's moved, take if back round and ask where you can keep it. Job done.

Poor bloke is likely completely oblivious that this has offended you, because as far as he's concerned all he's done is display a level of care over your possessions.

If OP hadn’t told us she had a dc at her own house, I would have thought this post was written by a teenager.
I can’t comprehend the importance of this bag, she said in one post “if I can’t leave a small bag there it’s game over” why such an irrational reaction?

How long has in been in his spare room?
How many times has she needed to use it?

I think there’s more to this and the OP seems to be afraid that if he objects to having the bag in his house it’s a reflection on their relationship.

I also think she’s coming across as being quite confrontational and maybe that’s part of the issue.

You're being absolutely ridiculous.