I think he doesn’t want me to leave my things in his house?

[doddlerrs]

So I left a small drawstring bag in my BF’s house with underwear, a change of clothes, sanitary products and a deodorant.

Just in case. Never needed to use it.

Now that he is about to move houses he gave the bag back for me to take home.

He will pay for professional movers to pack and move all his furniture and his stuff so I asked him (joking) if my small bag is too much or too heavy for the movers?

He said he was concerned that the movers would pack my bag in a random box and it would get ‘lost’ or he wouldn’t know where my bag would be in case I needed in the new house but not everything was unpacked…

Then a week later when he got the keys to the new house, he told me that he took 3 round trips bringing his personal stuff that he did not want the movers to pack/carry. This was his plan all along though, I even remember trying to reason with him. What is the point of paying £££ for professional packers and movers if you have to do round trips yourself!
So I thought to myself, sure my very small and light drawstring bag could be added to his trips rather than giving it back to me if it was true he was concerned about the movers not packing it properly??

I can’t help but think he doesn’t want my things in his new house and that is his way of saying it?

BTW the new house is 3x bigger. More storage.
And he is not getting rid of almost anything. Only broken stuff.

This is odd, isn’t it?

He is blaming the house move though...

From the OP: He said he was concerned that the movers would pack my bag in a random box and it would get ‘lost’ or he wouldn’t know where my bag would be in case I needed in the new house but not everything was unpacked…

I'd think exactly like that, if it were me. Because it's not mine, I'd probably take less mental note of what box it was going in, and therefore a risk it could get misplaced. Moving house is stressful!

No.
I want him to be honest and have enough respect to tell things to my face instead of making excuses

Taking the back bag as per taking him as face value. Playing him on his own game.

I’m not going to make a scene, fight or even argue. I will have a conversation. The bag is the prompt.

OP, you say you want him to be honest and direct with you, yet in the very next sentence you say you're going to play him at his own game.
This doesn't seem to be a very healthy relationship if you can't just communicate with each other normally.
I don't know how old your teenagers are, but you're setting them a poor example for a healthy future relationship if your own relationship is so one sided that it's always you going to his via public transport and spending hours agonising over whether he wants your bag there or not.

You could talk about it and see what he has to say about it ?

Have a conversation with him about it. I would say, "Do you mind if I leave a few items here so I don't have to lug them around whenever I come to stay over? It's rather uncomfortable having to carry them around". It should NOT be an issue if he cares about you unless he has OCD.

Oh dont worry, it will be civil and it will be mature

I’m direct and I’m not scared of comfrontation but I’m not rude/toxic or anything like that

Taking the bag back is important because it is taking him at face value and observe his reaction to it - body language is also communication

As I said, I have this feeling that he does not always mean what he says and he goes roundabout a lot instead of being more frank - this bag issue is not an isolated case

So although it seems I’m overeacting over a little bag, it traspires (the way I’m reading it) that is another case of him not being entirely open and honest. I’m bringing the bag as an illustration.

This is not the mature or civil way to deal with the situation. It is an aggressive approach. You are setting the stage for a confrontation not a conversation. I think you know this though because you’ve got a lot of anger about his “lying” and you want to let rip.

FEIW I don’t think he’s lying. I think he’s conflict avoidant and took the path of least resistance in first accepting the bag and now giving it back. I also saw giving the bag back now as a way to do it without upsetting you.

Sorry, but it's very clear he doesn't want your bag with clothes and stuff there. It's his house. He doesn't have to store your small bag if he doesn't want to.

Yes, you should carry period products and a travel deodorant with you.

Are you wanting to move faster than he does because that's what it sounds like. You want to feel like you're at home and not having anything of yours there makes you feel like a visitor?

Is this a relationship test where it's not really about the bag?

Agree he's conflict avoidant and you're setting him up to fail.

He sounds dishonest OP and you know it.
His facial expression and body language will be interesting.

I think it was normal and considerate of him to give you the bag, rather than throw it into a box with all his things! This way, you have total control of it, and can just bring it with you when you come to his new house, instead of wondering where he or the movers have put it. I would never interpret this to mean he wants rid of it forever. It is, after all, yours and not his, so it's right that he gives you control of it instead of treating it as his own possession.

Also, why are you planning to "hand it over" to him when you next visit as if throwing down a gauntlet? It's not his! Why not just say "Is there a place I can leave this?", and surely he'll just say "sure, how about this drawer" (since he's never previously expressed any problem about you keeping this small bag at his) and that will be the end of it?

Do you only go over for sex and then he sees you off at the door having made sure you’ve not left anything behind?

The more you say about him the less it sounds like a relationship.

So blaming the house move is indeed lying

And what upsets me is not the bag being there or not

Is him not communicating openly and potentially making me believe that he sees the relationship the same way I do

Becausd ftom my pov and our agreements this is not a fuck buddy situation but a relationship and as a such if he feels uncomfortable with me leaving a bag there than it is not the relationship I want

Also I dont want be in a relationship where a person is not comfortable with being open and honest with me whatever the outcome might be

Honestly you feel he's being duplicitous. It's not good. You don't need evidence to end the relationship, just end it.

Sounds incredibly toxic, this.

I don't think it sounds "incredibly toxic"; I think it sounds like two people with completely different expectations of what's normal and what's significant. I think he will be absolutely baffled that she sees this as anything meaningful or sinister. I would have done exactly what he did - it would have been on my moving checklist, "remember to give John his bag back", to make sure it didn't get lost in the move, and I would never in a million years be expecting any simmering drama as a result. In her shoes, I would have asked "ah, before you pack everything up, let me grab my little bag which I left in that drawer, and I'll just bring it when I next come to the new place".

I would not presume to treat other people's belongings as my own - or to assume that anyone was presumptuous enough to expect me to take responsibility for their belongings.

No. I go over for day long dates out and about too, hence better have some stuff there then carry it around with me every single time

Have you ACTUALLY asked him whether you can leave a few of your items at his place?

That's really clear, OP, and a lot clearer than your previous posts. You have agreed to be in a committed relationship and want to check that he's not moving the goalposts. Because it honestly sounded more like a FWB to me.

Hopefully this is just poor communication on his part.

That is exactly why I will take him at face value and bring the bag to the new house and see how it goes. But apparently this is me also being toxic.

Being different than you and him I’d do the opposite. I’d ask: “would like me to pack your emergency bag with my personal belongings and take it with me or would rather have it with you?”
As I said it is a light small bag that wouldnt add much weight or volume to anything and he did 3 round trips for his personal stuff.

Also it is not in a drawer. I did not chose where to put it. I asked him if I could leave a small bag at his just in case I need one day. He said yes. I brought the bag. He put in his spare/storage bedroom on a shelf with random stuff and showed to me where it is.
So if/when I bring the bag back to the new house I’m not going to go around opening drawers and choosing where to leave it. I will give it to him. It is his house, his decision.

And to the poster(s) that implied I talk to much about the size of his house because I want to use it as my personal storage place: I talk about the house size to show space is not an issue.

Yes I have asked and he said yes.
I clarified this many times already.

Yes that is what I’m feeling. Because in my mind and from previous conversations this is commited and monogamous (even though some people seems to think it is impossible because there are plans to live together or get married) but the way he is handling this feels to me FWB. But could be a small miscommunication. Or not.

However I see a commited man taking my small emergency bag that I left at his flat as part of personal belongings (even if it not his bag) rather than giving back.

At the end of the day it is a bag that needs to be at his not mine. So giving back to me just for me to take it back again is weird.
But I get people are different.

When I joke and asked if that little bag would be too much for the movers he could have said: ‘ah you want me to keep with my stuff? no worries then.’
But no. It felt like he was disposing of something.

But also could be me knowing he is not straightforward communicator so now I look for clues and double meaning.

In any case we are not compatible perhaps.

What do you actually want out of this relationship ? except for this teeny weeny tiny bag being kept in his new 3 bed house !

as you have already said ' No talks of merging lives because that is not what I want '

and you seem determined to break up with him if he doesn't say the right words / act the right way when you produce this bag next time you go over.

Jesus Christ, I'm actually exhausted reading this thread. You're totally blowing this out of proportion. Men and women can view things very differently. I guarantee this man was just packing his own bits and thought 'Oh, her bag is in the spare room. Better get that back to her so it doesn't get mislaid during the move'. He probably fully expects you to bring another bag back when he's done with his move.

This is so incredibly over the top it's ridiculous.

Mountain out of a molehill unless there’s other issues. Do you not have a toothbrush in his bathroom etc? If he really didn’t want any of your stuff there would he honestly wait until a house move, give you a crap excuse when you’ll just bring it back anyway?