Dating Thread 51 - 2025. New year, new start

[TwistedWonder]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I would love nothing more than to give up on dating / looking and get on with my life, but because of my age and still being undecided (unbelievably) about having children, I feel I need to make an effort to meet a man and lay the foundations for having a baby should I decide I want one further down the line. I envy my friends who knew from a young age that they wanted to remain child-free. How great it must be to date without the pressure.

Date with Mr Rave was fun. We went to a bar with live music then onto a couple of quieter bars where we could actually talk. Then ended the night at my place where I broke my mini dry spell 😅

The kissing at the bar was hotter than the sex, which needs a little work haha. But I had a good time and he was so sweet and complimentary.

Found out a lot about him, like he has just moved back in with his parents after a break up and to fund a Masters he's doing. He wants to 'settle down' and possibly views our thing as the beginning of a relationship, which I definitely don't want! As lovely as he is, he's not at all my type when it comes to a BF/GF situation and we have virtually nothing in common besides liking raves and exercise.

When we were chatting in bed this morning he was telling me about his truck (such an American lol) and the work he'd done to it and how much he loves cars. All his other hobbies seem to be very 'manly' and he works with his hands (albeit in a skilled/graduate role). He also said a few things that made me think he's got quite traditional values, plus he's close with his parents and lives where he grew up. And I had a thought: Why are men like this not boyfriend material to me? He's good looking, masculine, straightforward, he would treat me well, probably make a decent father. Given the struggle to find a man who's similar to me, should I be giving men like Mr Rave a chance?

@Crushed23 sounds like you should definitely give Mr Rave a chance. Slightly worried if the sex wasn't good, but perhaps you were both a bit tired/ drunk?

Kissing can be amazing. You've reminded me of a kissing memory from well over 10 years ago, when I was sheltering from the rain under a stone archway with a guy, which is quite possibly the hottest, most romantic, amazing boy/girl moment of my life!

What is it about Mr Rave that makes you think he's not right for a relationship with you?

I had my first date last night in 2.5 years! This is the guy from Breeze that the app tried to make me go to Lewisham to meet. Shall call him Mr Lewisham 😂

Met in central instead and found a pub to go to. He didn't recognise me on approach which was a bit unnerving - maybe I should get a friend to check my picture are accurate??!

Date was very 'nice', and I enjoyed talking to him m but didn't fancy him. He did take my number though and text immediately so now I'm not sure what to do...

What's the balance between trusting your gut and letting things develop?

Glad the date went well!! Sounds like it was hot as well!

Would you say he is confident/ chatty or perhaps a bit more shy/ quiet? What’s the age/ professional seniority gap? How did you meet this guy again?

He does sound lovely, but also I’ve had doubts about similar guys before. Do you feel like it’s too easy/ too straightforward, and you might be too much for him?

Hi everyone,

just catching up.

@PeachyKeane I love that you met someone IRL, that is the dream!

@ElleintheWoods I did ask him to clarify but he himself didn't seem very clear on what he was saying! I think perhaps he was saying that I can't be a priority for him atm because of his responsibilities and he worries about hurting me because of this and he feels uncertain about a lot of things. I do think four dates in is a bit soon to be having this kind of discussion. On one hand I appreciate him being honest with me but on the other I am frustrated because I feel confused now. I think the early stages of dating generally are grey unless you're being lovebombed so that's not a problem for me, but the fact that he seems a bit mixed up in his thoughts is a bit of a concern. I was very clear that I didn't want to continue seeing him if he isn't interested settling down as I am dating intentionally for that and that didn't put him off. He did say he had been off work all last week and that he'd had too much time inside his own head so maybe that's partly it. It's a shame because we'd had such a good date on Friday! I think it is difficult at this age (34) - a lot of people come with baggage. It was much easier when I was in my twenties!

@OchreHedgehog thank you, I think he'd had a bad week really. I agree with you that if someone likes you they will be in a relationship with you regardless of their circumstances. It's still very early days with us and I wouldn't be looking to have that kind of conversation for another couple of months really. I did tell him that I only want to continue seeing him if he sees settling down in his future as I don't want to get invested if we are not on the same page but he said he is looking to settle down. It is confusing. Part of me wants to cut and run but the other part of me says I need to appreciate that life (and dating) has grey areas and that I could be cutting off my nose to spite my face if I ended things prematurely.

@DrinkingTooMuchPinot yes I am wondering if he is stringing me along too and isn't that into me but he has said he ultimately does want to settle down and that he has enjoyed seeing me and wants to do something again. I am trying desperately to multi-date but it is impossible! Of the guys I have spoken to, one is moving to New York in a couple of months so there's no point pursuing that, another lived 45 mins away but couldn't drive, another couldn't meet at weekends (married?), another wanted me to take an attachment style quiz before meeting (!) and another was so incredibly bitter about being on the apps that I didn't want to meet him. If I had more options I wouldn't be so bothered but the quality of the men on the apps is dire and Mr Tradie at least is good at communicating, interested in me, gentlemanly, interesting to talk to and makes me laugh.

@Realdeal1 I don't know if it is that simple - my last two bfs did that with me but they simply lovebombed and then turned toxic. I don't want to rush anything because I need to get it right this time. A man who was rushing to get me off the market might be a bit of a red flag for me because of my past. And I think I do need to take into account his caring responsibilities - I spoke to my friend who cared for her mum when she had cancer and she said at that time she had very little capacity for anything else. He has messaged me today but I am going to take a step back and take the pressure off.

@OchreHedgehog that article is very interesting. I would love to feel that way but at 34 I am in the 'panic years', as @Crushed23 describes - everyone around me is settled down and having children and I am afraid that I will miss my chance. I would like to be happier with my current single status but it is very lonely at times.

@Crushed23 I think you should give Mr Raves a chance! You don't have many interests in common but I am not sure how important that is - my ex and I shared interests but he was still a deeply problematic individual and not right for me. You are both looking for the same thing and that is important.

@Datesandprunes I reckon give your guy a second date - a first date is just an introduction and feelings can develop over time. I'm usually never totally decided on a guy after one date, I need time to get to know them

Also Mr Tradie has messaged me a nice chatty message today despite me being so clear on what I am looking for with him yesterday - I had half expected him to sleep on it and message me to say he's had second thoughts. It really is a tricky one.

Sounds like almost everyone is in a 'not completely sure, but he is nice in some ways and it's early days' zone! I vote we give them all a bit more time. I'm trying to get a next date organised with Mr Irish but our schedules are making it tricky so we're sexting a bit to keep the iron hot in the meantime.

I have a first date with my third OLD connection on Tuesday. I'm going to close my bumble account after that as I feel pretty confident I've exhausted it after c20 matches narrowed to 3 prospects, Mr Irish, one which I didn't pursue after the first date and the Tuesday date. Not bad going seeing as I only signed up over the Christmas holidays. So my view of OLD is very positive.

Thanks for your thoughts @OchreHedgehog @ElleintheWoods @oldernotwiserffs

I definitely won’t be giving Mr Rave a chance because he’s a smoker and that’s a dealbreaker for me.

But I did wonder if someone like him could be worth considering. A man’s man who is pretty straightforward and has somewhat traditional values. But I think being in a relationship with someone like this would ultimately make my world smaller, as safe, comfortable and loving as it could be.

For example, I was trying to introduce some deep and meaningful chat and he seemed incapable of talking about things in the abstract? He would just pick up on one thing I said and say “Funny story. A buddy of mine… “ He did this about 5 times over the evening and not once was it actually a funny story. 😂 He’s lucky he’s hot, bless him. He just isn’t very worldly or sophisticated despite being ~30, having a good job and being reasonably well educated. He has lived in the same suburban town his whole life. I need to be with someone who has spread their wings a bit further.

He messaged me trying to arrange a date next weekend but I’m not sure if I want to see him again so soon. We talked about him showing me around his town/state which I could entertain in the next few weeks perhaps, but I really don’t want to lead him on.

@Crushed23 see this is Mr Workcrush for me, they sound really alike. My initial impression of him was 'wow he is the hottest man on earth'. Second impression quite quickly was 'hmmm he's not the sharpest tool'. Probs should have left it there!

I feel like it could go both ways with someone like that. As long as they're open-minded, you could make his world bigger, and he could perhaps help you grow roots a bit? That's how I think of it anyway. I'm an immigrant and don't have any UK family, so in a way the idea of someone having family and childhood friends nearby sounds appealing sometimes.

Traditional values - are we talking a bit 'republican', or more things like respecting women, looking after family and elders, not being obsessed with the online world and social media, taking time to be there for mates? Again, this is something that I found refreshing and lovely.

Or do you mean he is family focused and wants to settle asap?

Was the sex worth a follow-up?

Overall, are you finding the values and attitudes of American guys much different to British? I've always imagined them as more proactive, and also more traditional in dating.

It doesn't sound like you really want a man in your life.

@ElleintheWoods

I feel I need to be with someone who expands my world rather me expand theirs. With ExDP, I was the more worldly and sophisticated one making his world bigger, and honestly at times it felt like I was mothering him, and ultimately this killed any sexual attraction I had for him.

Traditional values as in respect for women (in that slightly patronising way), gender roles in a relationship - he would want to “look after” me, knowing for sure that he wants multiple children, a loose connection to religion/church that might become more pronounced with age. That sort of thing. On paper it sounds suffocating but because he’s pretty chilled out, I imagine none of these are dealbreakers for him in terms of a relationship, so the reality could be a much more toned down version.

He’s the first American guy I have, er, progressed things with, so can’t comment on American guys generally. They come across as more direct/confident but this is based on a handful of conversations on the apps and two brief first dates other than last night's.

I would actually prefer to be with another expat, which is why Mr HK would have been ideal in a way. It’s a shame he was allergic to me. Last night’s date really highlighted to me how passive and cold Mr HK was towards me. Mr Rave couldn’t keep his hands off me, even just holding my hand as we hopped from one bar to the next, while Mr HK kept a safe 1.5m distance at all times. 😒

Is Mr WorkCrush still a contender? Also very interesting that you would prefer a local over an expat. How long have you been in the UK?

It doesn't sound like you really want a man in your life.

@Leafy74

My life is fab and I would only entertain a relationship with someone who would add to it, and not with someone who would detract from my life even in the slightest.

So I would say I want the right man in my life. I don't believe in subjugating myself to some man for the sake of being in a relationship.

@Crushed23 I wonder if it could have also have been a cultural difference with Mr HK? Guys from some backgrounds can be very, erm, respectful. For example a Scandinavian guy may be used to women making all the moves, more focus on consent etc.

Feel like Mr Rave may just have some of those traditional American values too from what you are saying? I've not properly dated an American guy but I've found they are very bold in approaching and chatting up, much more than European? I'd also suspect they are bolder in making, erm, moves? Based on very limited personal experience.

Assuming you are British, actually meeting another Brit out there you may find a lot in common, for example?

I've been in the UK 10+ now because I love the culture and people, rather than economic/other reasons. I don't have too many non-British friends so don't organically meet many non-British guys (though a fair few), and generally I just feel more comfortable with British men, I get their humour, behaviours etc. There's something about them for me!

I know I sound like an idiot still thinking about Mr Workcrush, as I know he isn't right for me (a bit like what you are saying about Mr Rave) but we're almost like magnets. We had time apart and space over Xmas after a sentimental goodbye, he then contacted me one of the first days of new year and we got properly chatting. He invited me for a coffee, and it felt just like the old days.

Caught him checking me out several times and finding excuses to get me to stay longer, his mates also saw us and gave us a wink and a smile and he was beaming with happiness. I noticed what he was doing at the Xmas party, stood in the corner alone checking me out a lot of the night.

He must have some kind of reason why he's scared to progress with me cos he's clearly into me, he hasn't been able to drop me. I genuinely think maybe he has some kind of sexual issue or similar. He's been single a long time and he's 32 and hot, so there must be something. On my side, I'm very much 'he is just a friend', but my subconscious tells me otherwise - he's in my dreams almost every night, it's ridiculous. Funny enough in these dreams he's often a shit unreliable boyfriend that means well😂

Trying to focus on other men but I really fell for him. When I hear his voice or see him from the corner of my eye it's game over, I can't look away.

@ElleintheWoods Everything you have said there suggests that you are actually interested in him. But perhaps you're not letting yourself think of him as more than a friend because he's not the type of guy you see yourself with. I can definitely relate to this. I think it's normal to reject a man you fancy because you're holding out for a better fit.

I don't fancy Mr Rave enough to have this problem. I just don't know whether to knock it on the head now (and be like those bellends who end things with a woman straight after sleeping with her), or go on a few more dates because he's fun, keen and the sex might improve, but risk leading him on and things getting messy.

The sex wasn't bad, it was just one sided (in my favour) and I actually prefer sex when both people get something out of it. My mind jumped to 'porn addiction' but who knows.

@Crushed23 that's interesting about the sex. Did he come, if its not too personal a question? Because the guy I'm seeing hasn't yet and all the sex has been focused on my pleasure. Does that indicate porn addiction? I've not yet had lots of experience of sex with modern men but everything I have had has been different than the sex I remember. However I was in a relationship for 32 years so I'm comparing teenage and early 20s sex from the 90s to men in their 40s and 50s so of course it's going to be different.

@ElleintheWoods it's hard to get these men out of your head isn't it when you fall for them? Which makes it difficult to entertain new ones as you're always comparing them and they fall short.

@OchreHedgehog my experience of OLD has also been positive. Much easier than meeting men in the wild although that has also been successful recently. The man i snogged Saturday night didn't text me yesterday however because I've got quite a few irons in the fire, it didn't bother me. If he does get in touch I'll meet him and see how we get on sober 😔 we did have a lovely kissing session at the end of the night.

Hope you manage to get your dates sorted out.

@Datesandprunes I usually move on if I don't fancy them but I am pretty fussy. I feel like I'd be leading them on unfairly to keep dating without attraction. What have you decided to do?

@oldernotwiserffs which dating apps are you using? I've been using Hinge which is less busy than Tinder but also less overwhelming somehow and you can also see your last like which means you don't have to pay.

Any progress with the guy? What have you decided about him?

@Crushed23 oh the lack of deep and meaningful conversation would be a deal breaker for me too, I get that.

@PeachyKeane I remain confused! The conversation we had was a long the lines of: he's currently not himself and is emotionally drained and afraid of hurting someone (me?) as he can't bring much positivity or commitment to me right now and likes to take things slowly, he does ultimately want to settle down though and enjoys my company and wants to see me again. I told him I wasn't interested in seeing him again if he doesn't see settling down in his future and he said he does. I've played his voice notes to a few friends who said he seems confused but that he has ultimately told me that he does want to settle down and he likes spending time with me and they think that's all I need to know. My first instinct was to cut and run to avoid being hurt but my friend who cared for her mum who had cancer said at that time she didn't have the capacity for much else so maybe he doesn't like me but his priority has to be his dad for the moment. I think at this age (34) dating isn't as black and white as it was when I was younger. Maybe I need to sit in the grey for a bit. He messaged me yesterday despite me setting the boundary of not wanting to see him again if we're not on the same page in terms of the future. He does seem to have been overthinking and worrying about things - as I said to him, it's only been 4 dates. I will keep swiping on the apps because I think multi dating would be helpful but I am having no luck. What do you think? I am afraid of getting hurt but I suppose that's the risk you take in dating.

I'm on hinge, bumble and match, I get very few matches and I've had no conversations that have led to dates other than with Mr Tradie. It can be pretty soul destroying. I get likes but I am picky with who I will swipe right on - im only interested in men who are looking for a long term relationship and who are open to/want kids.

That should say does like me* in the second paragraph

@Crushed23 Oh I’ve been hopelessly in love with him about 6 months. And I do mean in love, because I feel completely different about him than I have about any other guy for absolutely years. I was just hoping that feeling was gone now. It’s faded/ changed but it’s not gone.

He’s similar to Mr Rave in the sense that he is local and super close to his family, it almost feels like a cult, they do everything together. Smokes, drinks, poor health behaviours - very different from me. He feels like his job/ achievements aren’t comparable to mine. Basically my world blows his mind a little bit. He is young for his age. We both think we aren’t compatible and have said as much.

And then we are doing an incredibly crappy job staying away from each other. He actually has many many positives, good values different to many men in 2024, he’s different from other (superficial, boasty) men I know.

When you say sex was one sided in your favour, do you mean he was focused on your pleasure?

I would just tell the fella ‘listen, it’s just sex, ok?’ The kissing in bars etc sounds hot, maybe you need a bit of that in your life? Unless the sex actually wasn’t that enjoyable for you? Leaves you free to pursue other options while having someone to hang out with now and then when you have a free evening, show you around etc.

@oldernotwiserffs oh that does sound confusing and tricky 😳 no idea what is in these men's heads?

Perhaps you could try a burst of dating men who say they're not looking for anything serious just to pass the time and dial down the intensity as a trial? I find that if you have a few on the go, you're less invested, maybe less intense. That might actually help. I don't know, I'm no expert and we are in completely different situations.

Sorry a bit behind with everyone's messages, busy week at work!
@PeachyKeane I also like Hinge best. Have been on the apps on and off since September and have had seven first dates so far. I like Hinge because you can see who likes you and don't have to pay.
Mind you I found Mr Rebound on Feeld, it's possibly a good place to meet someone for casual stuff. I did get a bit overwhelmed with it though, I got 500 likes in 24 hours when I first joined, I suppose a lot of men would like something casual! The downside is you can't see the likes unless you pay, and wasn't getting many matches. You can however see who 'pings' you and Mr Rebound was one of those. I'm back on hinge now but not liked anyone so far.

Considering if I should give one of the 20-somethings a go, has anyone tried this? I just recall sex with the 20-somethings not being that great when I was in my 20s which is putting me off!😄

As @OchreHedgehog also has Mr Irish I will call my ongoing FWB Mr Tallirish. Hoping to see him one evening for some more casual fun this week when I'm child-free. Really hope can make it happen as the sex is amazing. Mr Rebound is still keeping quiet, he did say last week let's meet up next month so I may just park him for a while and see what happens (and if anything else comes along).