Dating Thread 51 - 2025. New year, new start

[TwistedWonder]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I know someone like that. In her 50’s never been married, no kids, longest relationship is about 3 years but thinks she’s entitled to be treated like a princess.
Will only accept first dates at high class restaurants, doesn’t take her purse out and expects men to be grateful to be seen with her.

Funnily enough she’s not got far online and always moaning about being single.

While I would never demand to be taken to a fancy restaurant for a first date, I do now turn down low effort dates, like a walk or a coffee date. I think a first date should be more of a special occasion than a walk in the freezing cold or sitting in a coffee shop. And yes, I expect the man to pay for the first date.

I don't know if that's high maintenance or whatever, but that's my approach to dating. I also find it a good way to weed out stingy men. Luckily, most of my recent dates have been in nice bars (ideal first date) or restaurants, so I must be good at detecting the 'let's go for a walk' types before we get to arranging a date.

@TwistedWonder haha… I think if I’m still single at 50 that’ll be me 😂

She sounds very Samantha from SATC!

Men are different though. I’ve had men insisting on taking me to expensive restaurants and paying on early dates. Some men just think money is very important and want to spend it/ wouldn’t let a woman pay.

Personally I prefer coffee/ walking/ pub dates, somewhere where it’s quiet and we can talk without too many others around

Men always want to go fir lunch/dinner as a first date but I always refuse and say let’s do drinks instead
They always buy first drink and I insist on buying the next round. Most argue and say they’ll get it but I won’t take no for an answer. I’d feel ashamed of myself letting a man who has just got me a drink go back up the bar again without me getting my card out. It’s just the way I am.

Im a lot older than most of you though and Im not materialistic at all and not impressed by a man spending money.

@TwistedWonder I am the same as you. I don't like feeling unequal or like I 'owe' anyone anything

I'm not particularly materialistic and I'm not impressed by guys spending a lot of money, I just like a date to feel more special than a walk or a coffee - things I could easily do solo or with a friend. Dates in nice settings are also one of the few opportunities I get to dress up, which I enjoy doing.

As for paying on a date - in the US, you typically open a tab at a bar, rather than do rounds. The guy will pick up the tab, even if you offer to split it. It's also much more common for a man to keep paying for dates (2nd, 3rd, 4th) such that a woman would really need to be quite forceful in early dating if she wanted to pay her fair share.

Mr Rave is just a FWB but still he has picked up the bill on our first 3 dates (and bought me stuff for my apartment....).

Better to feel like you 'owe' something than risk dating someone stingy, IMO.

I love a coffee or walk for a first date! I would like them to pay for my coffee though, I'll offer but want them to say no and insist on paying. In my last relationship I paid for both our coffees on the first date, not sure how that happened 🤦‍♀️

Standard for a first date, no?! 🤣🤣🤣

I always let my date pay for the first drink on a first date, but if it's going well enough to warrant another round, I always ask if he'd like another drink. We'll see what happens with dinner dates. I'm hoping to see Mr Psychotherapist again next weekend, maybe that'll be dinner, but I'm also hoping I might see Mr Fish this week, and Mr Trail and Mr Education next weekend too, those ones are all first dates. Busy!

@TwistedWonder I’d have always thought older men are more trigger happy to pay because they grew up with that culture, and women less accustomed to paying early? And then men currently under 35 or so expecting a split bill? That’s my life experience anyway.

We’ve talked about this before but also a cultural thing, eg southern and Eastern European men wouldn’t let the woman pay, Northern European and especially Scandinavian would expect 50/50 or woman paying as well.

I know I’ve offended people by paying, particularly if it’s a man on less than me and on early dates.

Either way £900 is just a bit much 😂 But I have had men pick up a £100+ bill in upmarket hotel bars where I chose to go and also came completely ready to pay for it.

In a way I don’t mind going somewhere fancy on a (not first) date if I know both me and my date can afford it, as like @Crushed23 says, you don’t often go to these places casually with a friend, so a date with someone who likes outstanding food/drink is a good excuse.

BUT NOT The Fat Duck 😂

Im a born and bred Londoner with southern European ancestry and have found generally that men from the med are a good few years behind with their attitude to women. You get men are better but my generation seem to adhere far more to the traditional male/female roles.

Most men of around my age on dating apps have come out of long relationships and probably haven’t dated since the 80’s and 90’s so it’s a whole different world. Women are in the same boat but I find generally older single women adapt a lot better to their new circumstances than their male peers.

There definitely is a generational mindset regarding men paying. Even my male friends don’t like us buying drinks and on a night out are the first up the bar buying a huge round to include everyone but very rarely accept a drink back.

For me personally, after spending 20+ years in The City, I’ve done the whole upmarket and champagne lifestyle in my younger days and quite honestly it no longer holds any appeal. I prefer a more simple lifestyle and nights out where I can wear trainers 🤣

Ive says before there’s a wealthy local businessman who has pursued me for a few years now and as nice a guy as he is, his whole lifestyle of fine dining and high end socialising just isn’t for me. These days I’m far more of a cod and chips with a Pinot than an oysters and champagne sort of girl.

I don't have a problem with paying for drinks or dinner at all on the first or second, probably the third and forth dates too, but after that I start to get a bit pissed off if there is no attempt to share the costs.
Even if I am paying, I notice if the woman doesn't offer to pay.
I can think of only one occassion when a woman has absolutely insisted on paying for a second round on a first date.

I think it is generational.
I don't think that my children would expect the guy to pay.

I would always offer to split, or pay the second round. I'm 55 though so perhaps it is generational. I'm earning plenty so can easily afford to do so.

@TwistedWonder we are in accord completely.

I think unfortunately you’re attracting very grabby women as I don’t know anyone (other than the entitled one I mentioned upthread) who would let a man pay for 2/3/4 dates without even offering. And I’m in my 50’s so it’s nothing go do with age and everything to do with sheer entitlement.
Ive never understood the ‘has penis must pay’ mindset. Why on earth should a relative stranger be expected to feed and water a grown adult they’ve just met? It’s so alien to my thinking.

I do think by continuing to take women out to dinner and footing the bill, you’re allowing yourself to be used as a cashpoint. You need to put better boundaries in place otherwise you’ll keep attracting the same sort

It's largely cultural / generational.

I don't expect the man to pay because I am averse to paying my way generally. I am more than happy to pay for things past the early stages of dating, and in previous relationships I've paid more as I have been the higher earner etc. But on the first date I like it when the man pays. Not least because they're usually the one who did the asking out and picked the date venue. Plus it's a good way to weed out stingy men which are a massive turn-off for me.

If you were giving dating advice to a man in 2025, would you honestly advise that he insist the bill is split 50:50? I can't think of a single female friend who wouldn't be put off by that.

I tell you what ladies, I’m starting to feel like dropping myself out of this dating game as I am tired!

Met a guy from Hinge on Saturday, we met at a museum (his suggestion), and ended up having one coffee in the cafe there for 3 hours instead of looking round 😂😂😂 He paid for the coffee BTW.

We then went somewhere else to get something to eat (again his suggestion/invitation) yet when the bill came he started describing how to log in to the table app for me to pay my share. The whole bill was £90, so £45 each, hardly breaking the bank with that…I offered my share because he was sort of sitting there expectantly, but I thought he would say no…it has made me think he's less generous than he initially came across as being.

He was talking about when we’re going to meet up again on the date, yet up to now he’s not asked for my number and we’re still communicating via the app!

I'm usually the first to put a positive spin on internet dating, but this stuff is draining.

I hate it when guys don't move conversation off the app! I won't entertain a date with someone who doesn't want to exchange instagram / WhatsApp now.

What do people think of chatting on instagram?

That's how Mr Rave and I communicate and last week he made a comment about how his friends think I'm 'clever' for keeping him on instagram and not letting him graduate to WhatsApp (it was said in a very light-hearted way). I really have no idea what that means as you can just as easily block someone on WhatsApp as you can on instagram?

The whole date sounds a bit weird tbh - why didn't he want to go around the museum that he had picked?!

And I might get flamed for this, but a guy not willing to spend £45 on a first date that I'm assuming he suggested/organised probably wouldn't get a second date with me. Making you scan the QR code and pay your share... is just tacky, I'm sorry. Appreciate there will be different views on this!

Crushed23 I'm not on Instagram so I don't really know how it works. Does he have your actual phone number?
The only Social media type place I'm on is here. So to me the whole Instagram thing is weird but obviously it isn't for lots of people... Loads of men have their Instagram listed on Bumble, but that's a Swipe left for me.

Star seeking Maybe he just really likes the coffee there

He doesn't have my number, no. Neither my WhatsApp number nor my mobile number (they're different because I was somehow able to keep my UK number on WhatsApp).

We can text and send photos / videos on instagram, so I don't see the difference between it and WhatsApp. All I can think is that people are more likely to have their full name on WhatsApp than instagram and he doesn't know my last name yet. Maybe that's where his friends were coming from with the 'clever' comment.

Crushed23 It might be. It's an odd comment to make really isn't it! Like they are trying to make him doubt you or something.

@Starseeking - it sounds like you are not compatible with this man since you have traditional expectations of the man to pay/be generous. I wouldn’t mind at all paying my share and I think it is only fair if the other person isn’t a high earner like me. But I know I am a minority and probably that’s why I am still single with my non-conformist attitude 😆

I think communicating via the app suggests he isn’t really interested or is perhaps not single - most people try to move off the app asap.

Hot guy from Tinder who we will call Mr Surfer has messaged me again on Whatsapp asking if I'm free this weekend.

He's the one who ignored my profile (where I say I'm looking for a longterm relationship) and offered to be my 'short term' guy. A bit of a sleazy comment but he's so hot he gets away with it.

The issue is I'm injured (broken hand) so I'm not sure I can go on the sort of date he wants. 😅 It's not a completely debilitating injury - I mean, I'm planning to have sex with Mr Rave as normal on Friday ☺️ - but it would be a bit weird having sex with someone for the first time with an injury. What if he's really rough?!

But perhaps I'm overthinking it.

Would suggesting a low key date (casual drink, say) completely kill the vibe?

Oh, and the doctor said it would be 4-6 weeks' recovery, so I can't just push back the date till I'm better!

I'm going to have to let this one go, aren't I? 😭