Dating Thread 51 - 2025. New year, new start

[TwistedWonder]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Why don't you tell him, see what he says. If he's decent then he'll be completely accommodating.

Yep, just told him I'm injured and asked if he wanted to meet for a drink. He's read the message but no reply yet. Probably going through his other options before deciding if he wants to go on a potentially sexless date with an injured woman.

Mr Rave is on full suffocation mode this week 🤦‍♀️ asking me how I'm doing every 5 minutes, and when I unthinkingly told him I'm feeling down because I'm having to WFH and it's a bit lonely, he offered to come over tonight to keep me company. We're already meeting on Friday night and spending the day together on Saturday.

I have a strange urge to pick a fight with him? Just to see if he'd keep up the lovebombing and protector complex when I'm being a bitch.

Oh dear, that's not sounding healthy 😕

I'm the opposite - I don't like giving out my number unless a date has been agreed, ideally organised or even after/at the date. But I also don't like to chat too long, and prefer to meet irl sooner than later.

If you don't want to give out your phone number, what about telegram?

For me Instagram in a way is more personal as they can find out things about me, suss out who my family and friends are etc.

On WhatsApp you can be far more private so I go for that.

I don't have much private social media (have some for work purposes) but I wouldn't let a relative stranger on there. Does it seem like I have privacy issues yet? I don't give them my last name either 😂

No problem giving this to a man I meet through work/business though so... 😇

I have a dilemma. I'm meant to go an a first date this weekend with a Tinder iron. I think I want to cancel but am feeling bad about it and worried I'm not giving him a chance. He has been respectful and consistent with messages but my reasons for feeling like cancelling are:

• not sure I will fancy him due to height and slight build
• he sounds a bit over-keen in messages at times eg saying how well we gel over sense of humour... I'm not sure we do.
• we spoke on the phone yesterday and the conversation didn't really do it for me.
• I feel bad saying this but we are in very different spheres work-wise... I have a profession and he is a delivery driver. Also very different in education levels

There are so few decent prospects on OLD so so I just flight this a go? I feel pressure as he is all enthusiastic and was openly nervous talking to me on the phone. I'd appreciate your collective wisdom.

Sorry for typo... last bit was "Should I just give this a go"

Up to you but I personally think there's no point. I did initially meet a few similar guys and actually felt bad for them. But there was no attraction in reality, so I learnt on my dating journey that I needed a similar level of intelligence as well as other things like height etc. It wasted both our time and effort in fact to go on these dates.

I've met someone lovely on Tinder now BTW so there are decent men out there who will fit your requirements eventually.

It depends what you're looking for. If it's a serious, longterm relationship, then based on what you've said and how you feel about him so far, you sound incompatible. But if you're after something more casual, most of what you've outlined doesn't really matter except not physically fancying him. If you think you could come to fancy him, then I'd give him a chance.

Thank you. What do I tell him if I cancel? He will know it was the phone call that put me off.

@Crushed23 thanks. I am looking for long term.

I hope so!

I ended up ignoring Mr Rave in the end and he stopped messaging. Better than picking a fight, on reflection!

That being said, I really would like to find out what he's really like and for the mask to slip (there's always a mask in early dating, whether intentional/manipulative or not). I think I possibly got a glimpse of Mr Rave's real self last night when we got confused in a conversation because we used a different word for the same thing (US vs UK) and he said "fuck the word, we're talking about the same thing 😜" which I thought was a bit aggressive! But it's hard to tell tone from a text.

(I'm hyper, hyper alert to anger / irritability due to past experience.)

None of it should matter as he's just a FWB and I could end things immediately if I needed to, but I would like to know what he's really like. Out of interest mainly. 🙂

Tell us more... !

Boyfriend material or FWB?

He's shaping up to be the long term relationship that I didn't think I was looking for or ready for tbh.....

He's my age, same educational level, similar family background, has his own place, steady well paid job. Tall, I think good looking, likes doing all the things I like doing so cinema, theatre, gigs, walking, eating out, travelling, the sunshine 🌞

He is reliable so far, has organised the dates, been communicative, on time, fun, respectful. I think he has the same values and is looking for the same thing.

@PeachyKeane sounds great. That gives me hope!

@MyCatisCalledDream I'm 55 so wasn't sure how things would pan out as had heard only negative things about OLD. My experience has been pretty positive i have to say. No horror stories really. Met some nice guys. I'm pretty chilled out about it though and haven't taken it too seriously. More as a way to meet new people and get out and about.

I wonder if dating in your 50s is easier than in your 30s. There seems to be a lot less at stake. It seems that people are less likely to want to co-habit with a partner, the issue of whether or not to have kids together is off the table, and it's more about companionship and having fun.

I'm in my 30s and when I'm dating seriously (ie not FWB), the anxiety around whether this is THE relationship is off the scale. It's so hard to just enjoy it. It's probably why I've inadvertently ended up with one, maybe 2, FWBs since restarting my search for a boyfriend.

Does it matter if he knows that? Don’t waste your time going on a date with a man just to be polite,

Just message him and say you’re feeling it and it wouldn’t be fair in either of you to go ahead with meeting.

There was an interesting thread a couple of days ago about just getting pregnant with a nice but not quite right boyfriend, instead of holding out for the one and missing the boat. The idea being that you can deal with the incompatibility further down the line and co-parenting wouldn't be so bad, if he's a nice enough guy.

A couple of years ago I would have been the first to say 'never in a million years would I settle when it comes to someone to start a family with', but now, at 35, I am definitely softening on the idea, if I were to go down the baby route.

Not to derail - I realise this is the Dating thread, not the Baby thread. 😁

@MyCatisCalledDream if you've already got the ick there's probably no going back from it. If it was just his profession that was putting you off I'd say give him a go because working class people can still be intelligent but it seems there's more than that putting you off.

@Crushed23 I hear you. I'm calmer about Tradie than I was before but I am still extremely conscious that I can't afford to get it wrong at my age and I am still anxious about it/him. Friends have suggested just having a baby with Mr Not Quite Right but that's easy for them to suggest from the comfort of their very happy relationships

@oldernotwiserffs how's it going with Mr Tradie?

Your friends sound like my mum. Except she's worse - she actually suggested I got back together with my ex and had a baby with him. 😂 My friend is Asian and her mum is really worried about having a childless daughter so she told my friend to just get knocked up 'by anyone'!

These things do seep in, because I have fleeting thoughts of 'maybe he'd make a good dad' when Mr Rave is offering to fix things and give me a lift to places, and sending me pictures of his cat (he loves his cat).

Utter madness.