Dating Thread 51 - 2025. New year, new start

[TwistedWonder]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@DrinkingTooMuchPinot Hinge is working really well for me. I'm going for the younger men but I'm older than you. Mine are in their 30s. 20s is too close to my sons ages 😅 but I feel like if I'm going to have meaningless flings might as well be with fit young men rather than wrinkly old ones.....

Haven't tried Feeld. Tinder was overwhelming for me with a ridiculous amount of likes and hard to scroll through. I've got about 7 men on the go atm, chatting, dating, snogging. Sex with one so far. He's v keen on a relationship but I'm very much enjoying all the attention and being a free agent for the first time in a long long time.

I also found Tinder too much and only lasted 24 hours there. Bumble I don't like because you have to message first. In general I don't like swiping so Hinge is the best as you can let them come to you.
So far for me Mr Rebound has been the youngest at 41. Maybe should go for the under 40s, not convinced about the 20-somethings, don't want to be teaching someone what to do!😄
I've had sex with two of my dates so far, guess not bad out of seven dates! Mr Tallirish I have been seeing casually for over a year now, it started when I was still living with my ex, a bit naughty I know, but the marriage was already over by then.

@DrinkingTooMuchPinot my plan is to get some regular FWB is this your aim as well? I really can't commit to much more as have a lot going on. So I'm at the beginning here really of building up my stock so to speak.....

How old are you, and where are you based? Perhaps we could go out on the pull together 😅 I've got an amazing wing woman, she's so chatty and friendly, she reels the men in.

@PeachyKeane Yes that's exactly it. The sex was focused on my pleasure and he didn't finish. And it wasn't just because he was drunk/tired as sex the morning after was the same. It's probably unfair to say he didn't get anything out of it because he seemed to enjoy my pleasure, if that makes sense. It might not be porn addiction but it has to be something.

@ElleintheWoods it definitely wasn't unenjoyable for me but not what I would call great sex either. I think I'm going to suggest a FWB situation next time I see him and see what he says.

Agree that Hinge is the best but I have run out of men on there based on my filters, so I'm only using Tinder now (paid version). Bumble has never appealed as I like men to make the first move.

You’re right. That’s maybe why a clean break is better.

I know his ‘shortfalls’, I observe them regularly, he’s not perfect in any way and I have no rose tinted glasses on. Yet when he comes over, messages or when I see him or just hear his voice, it’s butterflies. I see his faults and yet I can’t help it. I think he triggers something primal in me.

Spring is coming so I’ll just leave that door ajar and see what he does.

I don’t have trouble letting new men in as such and giving them a chance, but I do expect to fall for the person, I like to be led by feelings. So even if a guy ticks loads of boxes, if that rare feeling isn’t there, I just can’t do it…

I’ve felt like that maybe for 3-4 guys in my life.

Yes that's my aim, a regular arrangement so to say. Mr Tallirish is lovely but for various reasons his availability is very limited, we text and sext a lot, almost daily, and meet for sex maybe once a month but don't do anything else together. I'd like a bit more than that, someone to hang out with and do stuff with, as well as sex of course, but without the commitment and the pressure of an actual relationship.

My friends are all coupled up so I get a bit lonely at times when I don't have the kids staying with me, a good wing woman would be handy!

When I first started online dating I thought I wanted a proper relationship, and was briefly seeing someone. It was very intense and I really liked him, and then he ditched me after (not very good) sex and it affected me much more than it should have done. Made me realise I am not really ready for a proper relationship, my marriage has left me more damaged than I realised. But I would also like to have a more regular sex life as my marriage was sexless for several years before it ended.
I'm 47 and live in the south West, how about you?

@Crushed23 that's happened with both men I've managed to have sex with so far. I wonder if it's a new thing with men? I'm so inexperienced having been with the same man for so long, grown up with him really. I was used to a rock hard erection and trying to slow them down from coming. Both these men were 55 and neither were particularly hard, or showed any signs of coming. That's why I'm trying younger 😅

@DrinkingTooMuchPinot I'm North and 55. But your aims are mine. Shame we're not more local.

I've got myself a regular sexter who i get on really well with, and he's very supportive, but we dont physically meet up. Then a toyboy of 34 who's sweet, and keen, and local in fact. I'm investigating other options as well. I'm trying out someone new this evening, in fact, but he's only 30, so massive age gap, really. But he says he's not bothered.

Oh it's a shame you're so far!

I do wonder if I should go for someone much younger too. I'd like to carry on seeing Mr Tallirish as well occasionally, and whilst I really like him, the sex is incredible and he's become a very good friend, I would never want anything exclusive or romantic with him. In fact he knows more about my dating disasters and everything else than any of my friends, I suppose because of the nature of our relationship it's easier to talk to him about things like sex, than with any of my female friends.

Ugh I hope this is not a new phenomenon. Mr Rave is around 30 so it's not age related hence my thinking it could be porn addiction.

It was just so stop start and exhausting so we kept going back to pleasing me. I mean, I shouldn't complain 😅 but for me sex is best when you really feel like you're turning on the other person.

Anyway, it was our first time so it may well improve!

@PeachyKeane I know! I wish he hadn't said anything because he seems confused and how I'm confused. But why is he dating if he's in this headspace??? I'm hoping it's just a blip after a bad week last week.

I may well have to have some casual fun as a distraction. Ideally I'd be able to find someone else who wants the same things as me but it's just not happening. I spent my whole lunch break today swiping on the various apps with no success. I feel pretty down about it all this evening and scared of what my future will be. I'm 34 and went to have a family so I have a sense of urgency but it's so out of my control and that's really scary. I also feel very lonely as all my friends tell me what they've been up to with their kids and I have nothing to talk about other than work really. I'm tired today because I went back to Mr Tradie's on fri night and we stayed up til 5am chatting and I only had 3 hours sleep so that's probably not helping either

@DrinkingTooMuchPinot @PeachyKeane Another one here for mainly dating casually, and like younger men. I tried the more serious dating, also with men my age or slightly older, but I've always liked younger men. So embracing my "cougar" 😅

It's fascinating catching up on all your posts!

On sex, my experience is that men find it harder to finish as they get older. Could be porn, age, and/or experience (they've seen it all and it's just not all as new and novel anymore). Those who need a firm grip (ie need an actual hand to finish) have been watching too much porn.

On the question of 'should/ shouldn't I continue' with Mr Rave, Mr Tradie, Mr Workcrush etc, my view is only you can know. And you have to trust your gut. But anything that mildly annoys you now - poor communication, values etc, will drive you insane after a few years. So cut and run if it could become a dealbreaker. But if not, it's not leading them on to keep going out. You need to be prepared to be ruthless and exit rather than get trapped in an unsatisfactory relationship. It's a tricky balance. Like dipping a toe into a pool of what might either be a lovely hottub, or a pool of quicksand. Always have a life ring (exit strategy) at the ready!!

@ElleintheWoods I'm not completely caught up yet so maybe you've already addressed this, but are you sure Mr Workcrush doesn't have a partner outside work? It sounds like Limerance to me - Ive been there and it's the weirdest experience. The more you can't have someone, not only the more you want them, but the more you imagine the relationship would be fantastically perfect. The reality is almost always the opposite though. Sorry if this is not accurate for you or not what you want to hear!

@DrinkingTooMuchPinot please do go and try one of those 20-somethings and report back for the team!! I am also wondering if I should give it a go. I struggle to fancy them as I expect they might be rubbish as well as make me feel ancient and self conscious about my body. Alternatively they might just be the most amazing Duracell bunnies who make you feel fantastic!

@DrinkingTooMuchPinot and @PeachyKeane Im not in the south west but I wish I was - we'd eat them all alive 🤣

@oldernotwiserffs - I know exactly how you feel. 32 and would like to settle down but yea, I feel like it's just so out of my control.

Last night I was out it was NYE, full of couple and it made me feel emotional

@LaBrasseria2024 sorry to hear you're in the same situation. I feel so downhearted this evening and terrified that nothing will change for me

@oldernotwiserffs - I feel very downhearted this evening and felt awful about it at the weekend lol. I keep trying to tell myself that not everything is as it seems, lots of people our age are in bad relationships!

A lot of men just don't seem interested in something more serious

@oldernotwiserffs @LaBrasseria2024 I think it's important to not let our age panic us into jumping into a suboptimal relationship just for the sake of not being single. As @OchreHedgehog points out, annoyances and a clash of values in early dating are only going to get worse and will drive you insane in a relationship.

Try to enjoy being single. If your friends are all married with children then make new friends! I would also avoid social events that leave you feeling rubbish about yourself (such as gatherings where everyone brings their spouse and children).

Yes girls, do not be downhearted. Tomorrow things will look brighter. They always do. Better to have Mr Right hiding just around the corner and to have a bit of life experience (including the knocks) under your belt to make sure you end up happier than the average Jolene.

I can't remember if you mentioned this on the previous thread @oldernotwiserffs but if you definitely know you want children then have you considered egg freezing? I did this last year when I was 34, even though I am at best on the fence about having a baby. It's no guarantee (I was told to think of it as a 'Plan C'), but it might take some of the pressure off.

I think there are couple of us on the Dating Thread who have been through it. Feel free to PM me about it if it's something you're considering.

@crushed23 -,I do have a few single friends I go out with. One has completely given up, the other two are in a panic like me lol.

NYE was depressing as we went to dinner first ( lots of couples) and then a nightclub and we were the oldest there. A lad in his early 20's called me a MILF, which really depressed me lol.

I guess I would look into egg freezing but I would be worried about the cost

Yes I what limerance is, and I can see some characteristics.

No, he is very much single. We dated for a short while after he hovered around me for absolutely months, both admitted to having big crushes on each other. Then as it was about to get more serious/ intimate, we had a talk and decided we shouldn’t go there as we’re quite different and would rather keep each other as friends. Before we dated we became very close very quickly (talking daily) and also part of the same work friendship group. They all knew, our chemistry was ridiculous - and he was also in my office for hours talking about… anything other than work 😂

We’ve half-purposefully had long periods apart since and whenever we’re apart I start forgetting about him. Usually though when we’re both back he’ll get in contact. When we stopped the dating he would message very regularly and make an effort ti actually go back to friends.

It’s just hard to not feel anything for someone that completely mowed you off your feet, and who hasn’t done anything wrong, apart from being a poor fit for you.

At the moment I’m in a place where I’ve accepted he’s just a friend and any possible relationship would be a complete car crash.

I was surprised to still feel anything for him after Christmas, I thought I was fully over him, barely thought about him. But then he asked me for a coffee for the first time since we stopped dating and it did feel like going back.

And sorry, I do sometimes use this thread just to get my weird irrational feelings out 😂