Dating Thread 51 - 2025. New year, new start

[TwistedWonder]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I just say something about having to catch my train!

With regards to the little black book, mine has only two names in it so far!😄
I have one friend, a lovely Irishman, that I have been seeing casually for a while now, but his availability is very limited so wanted at least one more. This one is a very good friend though, and have always been completely honest with him about my other dating adventures. The 2nd one is my latest date who is on rebound. Only met him once but it was very good. I hope to see him again but impossible this month. He's still in touch but a bit less every day so a bit worried he's found someone else now, although he seemed very keen for 'an arrangement' when we met. Not sure how many names I'd need. What are your plans?

Right, does anyone have any advice on getting out of the friend zone in the new year?

Does anyone else consistently find themselves friendzoned?! Just me?

Second half of 2024, I was seeing 2 guys, got on great with both but did not sleep with either, instead have stayed in touch and friendly with both. This January, both have got in touch. We've spent time together and it's been lovely, the sparks are still there. I'm just tired of being constantly friendzoned and would love to test if I can get either to try it on with me, seeing as both still seem interested. Or just meet a 3rd guy who will be!

I'm really confused as to why I get friendzoned but have some ideas. I'm quite 'glossy'/ glam - wear dresses and heels, hair and nails always done, and generally am known for having a taste for the finer things in life. I'm also in a senior corporate role. Maybe imagine an overgrown Cher from Clueless? 😁 So perhaps men think I'm very high maintenance and expensive to date, a bit spoilt? I can imagine other reasons but that's the one I get comments about from said men, so...

Guys love to have me go to public places with them for nice meals, meet their friends/ family, let me stay at their houses for free for long periods, +1 to dressy weddings... But nobody's trying to sleep with me! And I'm fed up now.

It may seem like I'm getting all the benefits of a relationship without having to be in one, but I want physically intimacy as well, not just emotional connection and being treated to nice days out.

I feel like my strategy with these guys will be putting them into a position where they are chasing me. Previously I've been very much open and available to them and a 'nice girl', and feel like that's where I'm going wrong. I've got lots going on in early 2025 too, so think I'll just be radiating postive energy in their presence and making them feel like they're missing out, and see whether than drives them to action.

Both men are lacking in confidence a little for one reason or another but I think they need to get over it.

Any thoughts? Has anyone successfully unfriendzoned themselves?

I do tend to make the first and subsequent move tbh. I'm fairly horny especially after a drink, and really the only thing I want these men for is snogging and sex 😅 so I take the initiative as they can be slow. I'm pretty and intelligent and successful as well (if I'm allowed to admit this) even though I'm old now. So I think men can be intimated.

@PeachyKeane You're definitely allowed to admit this! We need more women confidently owning their sexuality.

I'm really confused as to why I get friendzoned but have some ideas. I'm quite 'glossy'/ glam - wear dresses and heels, hair and nails always done, and generally am known for having a taste for the finer things in life. I'm also in a senior corporate role. Maybe imagine an overgrown Cher from Clueless? 😁 So perhaps men think I'm very high maintenance and expensive to date, a bit spoilt? I can imagine other reasons but that's the one I get comments about from said men, so...

Apart from the heels, this describes me @ElleintheWoods and I wouldn't say I find it particularly hard to convert dates to sex (Mr HK aside 😒). Also, I'm not so much friend zoned as completely forgotten about if it doesn't work out, so I'd say take it as a compliment they want to stay friends with you!

Are you perhaps dating men who don't match your lifestyle? I can imagine a man who can't afford to wine and dine a woman to the standard he thinks she expects not bothering to pursue, but men of means (so to speak) should not be put off by a well turned out woman who likes nice things.

Yes, there can be other reasons for the friendzone also. But basically I have a couple of very male hobbies/ interests, and I'm probably just easygoing company, I do put up with people's quirks. I often get told by men I'm not even dating, e.g. work colleagues, 'you're so easy to talk to, you make me feel comfortable'. Some men seem to confide in me very easily and become very attached to me in a non-romantic way (I'm not necessarily blowing my own trumpet here as I don't get the same feedback from women but that's another topic.) It may sound like a compliment but I'm a bit tired of hearing it now.

You're right, I do tend to like men that don't aspire to that life, I dislike flashy guys. I like hiking in the wild and a couple of other things that these guys are really into, quite a big hobby/ interest overlap. I'm a simple girl at heart, I just don't think they're buying it! 😃

Here's the thing, I don't really want to be wined and dined. I'm quite comfortable and don't expect anyone to pay my bills. AND... They wine and dine me anyway, just without getting any 'benefits' other than my company!

I have discussed my 'problem' with another friend and his take is 'most guys don't think they'd have a chance with you, and that you'd only go for someone very rich and successful'. I've also heard this kind of thing from almost every man I've been near recently so I'm starting to think that's the problem.

Feel like my next line will be "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, ..." 😂

Ok guys I am in desperate need of of some advice please.

Had a lovely date with Mr Tradie yesterday, he was emotionally vulnerable with me and we chatted for hours. Then today he messaged me apologising if he came across as distant (he was defo more subdued than normal yesterday_ and saying he doesn't know where his head is at atm (his dad had an accident last year and was left disabled and he cares for him - we spoke about how difficult this is for him in detail last night). I got the impression that he was saying he isn't ready for a committed relationship so i said I wouldn't want to see him again if we aren't looking for the same thing, he said ultimately he does want to settle down and wants to see me again but that he is someone who takes things slowly. I said that we've been on a handful of dates, we're enjoying each other's company, we want the same things so we don't need to overthink things and he agreed.

He seems quite mixed up to me. Am I wasting my time? I do like him and part of me respects him for being upfront and honest but I don't want to get hurt.

Honestly he sounds like he is going through a lot and may not be ready for a relationship. If it were me, I would cut my losses now, but I have been burnt in the past with 'waiting' for a guy. You might want the same thing but you're in completely different time scales, so it might be best to walk away before you're too entangled.

I'm running around like a headless chicken trying to get home so I can get ready for my date with Mr Rave and also give the apartment a tidy in case we end up there at the end of the night... 😅

I stupidly made late lunch plans (which is what I'm rushing back from) and then ate way too much. So looking my best skinny self has gone to shit, argh!

@Crushed23 it's such a tricky one. I don't want to rush into anything as I did that in my last two relationships and they were dreadful. But within the next 2 years I'd like to settle down. Maybe I will need to make that clear to him. I'm not sure why he's making such a big deal out of it after only four dates. I wonder if he is freaking out because he was emotionally vulnerable with me. It's such a mindfuck.

I'm so excited for you about your date! I will be waiting eagerly for updates

I'm thinking maybe I scared him because we were talking about ghosting and I said I'd never been ghosted because any guys I've liked enough to have more than a couple of dates with have become my boyfriend. Ugh. So he says he scared of hurting someone (which is ok, it's scary) but that he does want to settle down and does want to see me again. I wish he would be more straightforward with what he is saying because I am very confused.

Joining the thread, I enjoyed following the last few pages of the previous one and I know I'll find it helpful as I navigate the world of OLD... Separated after 14 years together, I've never done OLD before and everything seems very different to how it used to be!

I joined Hinge in early December, had a date a week later, no spark so that was that. I have a few connections/irons now, and I'm optimistic about actually getting to see at least one of them, Mr Psychotherapist. It's tricky though as I split my time between two places, and will eventually move from one to the other, but I'm not around all the time yet so I can't go on a date at mega short notice.

I've noticed a huge variation in the ages of men who have swiped on me, 20 years each way! I might try both out and report back 😁

Erm so I've been out on a drunken night dancing and snogged a lovely guy irl. Imagine 😁 I pulled! Feels so retro 😍 I very sensibly went home, and we've just been texting.

@Unhingeme There’s no need for you to go on any dates at mega short notice, if they’re interested they’ll plan properly and wait for you, if not, they’re not worth your time. You’re a busy lady with your own life, no need to rearrange your plans for a last minute date invite. Your firm lack of availability due to being out of town may actually help you.

@oldernotwiserffs perhaps ask him to be more specific about what he means, I’m sure you already have. It sounds like he is saying ‘let’s just see how it goes’ which may be fine just a couple of dates in (IMO very early to talk about commitment but I know for some others it’s not) but he could just be seeing what he can get away with. If you want something serious and he’s almost pulling a disclaimer out at this stage, then it may not be a good fit. I foresee in your future being in the grey area with him quite some time 🔮😇

@DrinkingTooMuchPinot ah it sounds like you are just like me. I'd like at least one who I can see about once a month at most. With no interference in each others' day to day lives beyond that!

@ElleintheWoods sorry to harp on about age, but I wonder if younger men are just much more cautious and afraid to offend generally, and these guys are a bit intimidated by your status? Which means they need the woman to make the first move to confirm consent.

Maybe not the first move as in initiating sex like naughty @PeachyKeane 😊 as you want to nurture a longer relationship. But the first move to turn things definitively sexy through a suggestive text or kiss.

@Crushed23 is right to point to matching lifestyles. And I would go further and say don't date someone who isn't on an equal footing. Fine for sex, too complicated for a relationship as men are all about status and need to feel they aren't on the back foot. Plus you need to be able to present them to your own friends and family confidently!

@ElleintheWoods reading your longer post (with the gif) makes me think you are a bit like me in having more than one side to us. Most people with proper jobs are like this - work mode/ down time mode/ hobby/ friend/ holiday mode etc. We dress differently for each, may even almost have a different life philosophy when engaging in each. But it can be more stark for some than others. I'm very polished for work, where I do a lot of command and control stuff, and then I swap that for wellies and gardening gloves at home and am totally relaxed and carefree. Total opposites. In a relationship, your partner has to love all of you!

You're obviously intelligent and good company and also a good listener. But men may be finding you too much to get their head around and feel they can't be a partner to all your many facets.

A man who can compliment all of you is out there. So I'm now thinking that you initiating more with the current crop is a waste of time as they aren't, well, ... they aren't good enough for you I suppose!

This might also all be total bollocks and I could be completely wrong!!

@oldernotwiserffs and my tuppence on Mr Tradie is that he may just have been having a bad day. Being subdued on one date is not a trend.

If it continues though, I would inject caution. I don't buy the "Im not ready for a relationship right now" line. (it's me, not you) If someone is into someone, they will pursue that relationship come hell or high water. You can't put someone back on the shelf and expect them to still be there when you have become "ready". Men (and women) know this.

I was dating multiple people over a decade ago and met a guy who wanted a committed relationship. I really liked him, so despite not actually wanting a relationship at that time, I dropped everyone else and pursued it. It lasted years and was wonderful while it did last. People just don't pass over others who are compatible and we have a chance of being happy with. It's too precious a commodity for that.

Hi! You’re welcome to hang, a few of us here are starting 2025 with the “get over one by getting under another” 🤣

Hope you’re doing okay!

I’d put in the height you want to prefer a man to be, check his pictures and hope for the best. I have only had one guy really noticeably shorter than what he said - I’m 5’6 and need someone who is taller than me. He said he was 5’7, he was 5’3. I felt like I was on a date with a child. He apologised afterwards for lying about his height, what a waste of time.

Men at 5’9 - 6’ are the best height for me ;)

@Unhingeme age variation definitely seems to be a thing. I am tempted to try swiping a few hot young guys to see if I hit a connection - there are various reports here about guys liking older women a lot! But I struggle to fancy younger guys. Wonder if it would be different if I actually tried dating/ sleeping with one though. Im slightly worried they would make me feel old/ more aware of the aspects of my aging body which are stark reminders that I am not as young as I used to be!

@oldernotwiserffs I would proceed with caution with this one. He may be genuine but the cynic in me thinks he may just be stringing you along and perhaps isn't that into you. I would probably see him again but try and not get my hopes up, I could see you end up getting hurt if you develop feelings for him. Are you seeing/speaking to anyone else? Maybe keep your options open.

@PeachyKeane that's amazing! I'm quite jealous, would love to be able to to do that but 1. Don't have anyone to go out with, my friends are coupled up and boring 2. Wouldn't know where to go that wouldn't be full of students!

@Ochrehedgehog I have that sort of arrangement with Mr Irish but it's a real struggle to find time to meet as we both have kids (part-time) and away a lot with work. Therefore was looking to find someone else and Mr Rebound seemed very promising, but not heard from him since Friday now so wondering if he's found someone with more availability. I would also like to have someone to sometimes hang out and do some stuff with, like go for dinner, which is something Mr Irish can't do but Mr Rebound would have had more availability (no kids).

Love it!!!

@oldernotwiserffs one thing I've learnt from all these threads is that when someone wants you, they will (men) be quick to lock things in as soon as possible and get you off the market. If they don't, then for whatever reason, they aren't interested enough. I think MrTrades likes you but not enough for more and is telling you this

@OchreHedgehog thanks for your reply 😊

One of the guys is much more professionally accomplished and wealthy than me. With the other, yes status probably plays a big role.

You do have a point about ‘current crop’ maybe just not being a good fit and perhaps they are not. I just don’t get these men’s thinking. I have a fair few guys that hover around me as a friend, meet for a meal out once a week, talk, they stay persistently single. I’m just not sure if those 2 really just want to be part of that roster, what are they gaining if they’re attracted to me and like my company?

I think I’ll keep looking but just keep the door ajar with those 2, they’ll text me most days and try to organise meet-ups anyway so may as well go and see what they do. I’m certainly still attracted to both and it’s rare for me to feel attracted.

But I’m not going to lead this.

Article in the Atlantic about being Single with a capital S ie not looking, not wanting to look and being happy, or at least at peace with that. I've very much felt that way for the last couple of years and it is very liberating. I also feel I have truly got to know myself at last.

Some people who want a relationshipbadlyare deciding that the effort of searching for love isn’t worth it, Faith Hill wrote in 2024. https://theatln.tc/Pnd5wYkO

Some people simply stop dating. “They still want a relationshipand they wouldn’t refuse if one unfolded naturallybut they’ve cycled between excitement and disappointment too many times to keep trying,” Hill writes. “Quitting dating means more than just deleting the apps, or no longer asking out acquaintances or friendly strangers. It means … [imagining] that they’ll never find the relationship they’ve always wanted. Facing that possibility can be painful. But it can also be helpful, allowing people to mourn the future they once expected—and redefine, on their own terms, what a fulfilling life could look like.”

“Drew Clement, a 37-year-old in Ohio who told me that his ‘entire approach to life changed’ when he quit dating,” Hill writes. “He used to attend concerts often, but he was always distracted by the possibility of romance—he’d make eye contact with someone in the crowd, then spend the rest of the show thinking about smiling their way or trying to get their number. But he doesn’t worry about that anymore. For the first time, he’s just watching the stage and listening to the music.”

Giving up dating altogether comes with risks. “What if you miss the date that would’ve changed everything?” Hill asks. “But with a laser focus on romance, you might pass up other possibilities.” The singles that Hill spoke to said they felt like they had more freedom, and more time to explore hobbies and focus on their careers.

“Marching on, after so many letdowns and embarrassments, is brave. But so is the decision to stop, a choice that American society too often doesn’t celebrate or even present as an option,” Hill continues. “Refusing to continue isn’t a cop-out so much as an affirmation of everything else precious that fills one’s days.”

Read more: https://theatln.tc/Pnd5wYkO