Dating Thread 51 - 2025. New year, new start

[TwistedWonder]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Oh, and the wine glasses Mr Rave bought me are so nice! 4x giant red wine glasses, plus a bottle opener, a bottle of red and some fancy chocolates. So over the top, but lovely nonetheless. 🥰

I had a lovely date this afternoon with Mr Psychotherapist (57, I'm 39), we went for a couple of drinks and basically didn't stop talking for two and a half hours. It was fun and flirty and playful, we had a little kiss at the end and talked about seeing each other again. I borrowed the 'I don't chase, I attract' attitude afterwards and let him message me first, which he did, not long ago 😁

Ah @Crushed23 I'm so happy that it went so well! You can totally relax about him and just enjoy it now 😀

@Unhingeme 'I don't chase, I attract' needs to be everyone's new motto! How nice does it feel when they message first?!

Exactly

So I potentially have a date tonight with a guy who I'll call Mr Kind Eyes. I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of multi dating, esp as I like Tradie so much but I guess this is normal until we have the exclusivity conversation? My worry is that I will also like Mr Kind Eyes and that I will then be in a pickle but maybe I need to slow down and not worry too far ahead.

I think that's not a bad idea if you're not 100% sure about Mr Tradie. Seeing what else is out there might help you decide either way.

An old match on Tinder messaged to ask if he could be my 'short-term guy', in reference to the "looking for a longterm partner" bit in my profile. He's exceptionally good looking so I'm tempted to say yes. ☺️ I feel like hot guys can get away with so much more - the average guy on Tinder would be instantly unmatched for a comment like that!

I think it’s imminently sensible to have a date or two with someone other than Mr Tradie, this way you can make a fully informed decision 💛

@Crushed23 haha I'm the same with hot guys - they do get away with so much more!

@LittleFloatingGhost thank you, I haven't heard from Tradie today yet so maybe it will be good for me to go out with someone else. Kind Eyes said he would let me know about meeting later but I still haven't heard anything. Think I'll give it til 5pm

I replied to the hot guy and now keep checking Tinder to see if he's messaged back 😂

No doubt he sends the same message to hundreds of women then has has pick from the replies, so I'm not holding out much hope.

He has a dreamy surfer's body ☺️

@Crushed23 I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

@oldernotwiserffs Thanks!

Mr Kind Eyes should not be leaving it so late to arrange a date. Does he expect you to hang around keeping your day free? Any reason he couldn't confirm sooner? I personally find last minute dates quite stressful.

@Crushed23 he's busy helping his cousin with something and doesn't know what time he'll be done - I only started chatting to him yesterday and he seems keen to see me asap and squeeze me in. I really feel that a lot of men don't appreciate the time and effort that goes into going on a date for women - hair, make up etc. I have nothing else to do tonight so I'm not too bothered if it is short notice but I will need at least a couple of hours warning. Yesterday's date gave me 45 mins notice which was totally unacceptable!

@oldernotwiserffs 45 minutes is ridiculous, that's how long it takes me to shave haha.

Hot guy messaged back 🥳 but unfortunately I'm away next weekend so the earliest we can meet is in 2 weeks' time. He will probably have moved on by then.

I know right?!!

Ah can you not do a cheeky weeknight? I suppose if you have to wait two weeks it will build the anticipation 😀

So I had to message Mr Kind Eyes to see if we were still on for tonight and he said he didn't know what time he'd be free and it would be better to rearrange because it's raining outside (?) but offered to call me instead. So I'm binning him off and spending the rest of the evening swiping 🙃

I am pretty new to all this - can someone help me with the exclusivity protocols??
For context I’m late 40s looking for dates/LTR - and connecting with guys looking for the same.
Using Bumble
I’m coming up to date 3 with guy 1. Getting on really well, chemistry etc - 3rd date in 10 days. Nothing v physical yet apart from a few kisses.
guy 2 & I have been messaging on and off for a couple of weeks - he seems pretty keen but there are a few genuine logistical challenges around actually meeting.
I like both on the basis of where I am so far with each. Other chats have just fizzled or have not been for me.
I’ve stopped looking/swiping for now as happy to see where either of these go first.
I’m not sure about the juggling though - is there an assumption you’re messaging/dating other people unless you say otherwise? Is there a formal ‘exclusivity’ chat at some stage? I don’t want to muck anyone around but equally I don’t want to tie in to someone who is keeping their options open! What are the usual assumptions??

@noo2old my assumptions usually are that they aren’t seeing anyone else, but that’s when dating a man IRL who isn’t actively looking.

From OLD I wouldn’t entertain anyone as even remotely exclusive before we’ve had sex, and even then I’d say there’s a long way to go from there.

I feel that you kind of notice if you are exclusive or not. If you know what they are doing all the time and notice that most of their free time is spent with you or talking to you, it’ll be difficult to see when they’d be seeing anyone else!

I did have someone that kept rearranging dates once we got a bit more serious and in hindsight I really don’t think he was exclusive with me even 10+ dates in.

Out of interest ladies, and now that the topic of getting ready for dates has come up, do you make more effort in general with your appearance now that you’re single? Eg hair, clothes, beauty, …? Or just carry on as you were?

Thanks @ElleintheWoods - yes, if starting to go out with someone more organically then I would not be thinking that they had other irons on the fire and I doubt I would do either
but online it’s a different scene I guess

@noo2old i definitely don't assume exclusivity until we've had the chat

@ElleintheWoods I've always made an effort when going out tbh, I do like to look my best for dates though and will dedicate time to getting ready

You mean on dates? Yes, I love dressing up on dates and have started to build up a collection of nice lingerie too (after going off this when I became sexually repulsed by exDP).

In day to day life, not so much. I wear activewear - leggings, hoodies, trainers or Uggs, minimal make up, hair in a scruffy bun. I like to think I still look good though? Probably deluding myself there haha. But what I mean is, it's conscious dressing down, and my skin, nails and brows look good. Always wear beautiful, understated jewellery.

Do you recommend dressing up a bit more in general? Would it lead to more IRL interactions? What if you have a resting bitch face and headphones on 99% of the time? 😅

@noo2old I wouldn't think exclusive either unless had the chat, especially in OLD. I follow mostlydating in Instagram, she has some good tips about this topic/ dating in general

@elleinthewoods I do tend to make sure I look ok-ish when going out for running errands, definitely more now than when I was in a relationship 😂

I’ve always had a people facing job in HR and so it’s absolutely ingrained in me to look presentable every time I leave the house.

Tbh since lockdown I’m probably a lot more casual when I’m off to Sainsbury's and the days I’m in office although my hair make etc is done, I dress in a more casual style then pre 2020.

Going out whether it’s with friends, the club, dancing or a date I always scrub up. Hair and make up done, nice outfit with matching/contrasting bag and footwear. My style is a bit quirky - I love unusual dresses and I have about 60 pairs of trainers. I don't even own shoes anymore.

Im very lucky, one of my best mates is a hairdresser and another owns a salon and so I get my hair, nails, waxing etc done for mates rates

Personally, I wouldn’t have sex unless we were exclusive but I’ve never actually got to that point with OLD - only actually had 3 second dates 🤣🤣

@oldernotwiserffs @Crushed23 @Day99 @TwistedWonder Thanks for your thoughts!

Just got me thinking as we were talking about getting ready for dates. I realised I don't make more effort for a first date than I do for a normal day, just obviously tidy face, nice hair, good outfit. I do tend to make a bit more effort for subsequent dates though, e.g. might get hair done. Just don't want to look like I've tried hard for a first date!

HOWEVER my look and style has certainly changed since becoming single. My ex DPs always took the piss of me being a bit too dressy, and were really casual themselves, no formal shirt in sight unless it was absolutely required.

Now that I don't have to fit in with anyone else anymore I make definitely far more effort with nice clothes, bags, shoes etc, and look so much better. Same with hair, nails, underwear, perfume, how often I do 'self-care' things... I feel like paradoxically now that I don't have a man I look tons better just for me... However, maybe a bit sad but since I got a bit bruised a couple of months ago by a man I really fancied, I've started 'project revenge body' for the first time in my life!

@Crushed23 haha I think resting bitch face and headphones will attract the 'hey, take your headphones off, I wanna talk to you' and 'you should smile more' types 😅

I'm really dressy day-to-day and I think it affects IRL approaches in 2 ways. Firsly, walking into a room in a casual red dress and heels I know people will clock me at least, so makes it easier to get talking to anyone. (Example, I was at 2 art events in a nice outfit and got chatting to the artists at both where they said 'oh I noticed you right away' - I imagine it was down to the eyecatching outfit) However I think it also repels a certain kind of man and maybe attracts another kind of man, as I would argue that a lot of men want to date someone more casual and stay away from someone that looks 'high maintenance'.

I certainly make more effort going on dates than my usual dressing. I like putting on a nice dress and my red lipstick. I can't do heels anymore, but have got a couple of lies of nice wedges that I wear on dates and going out.