Unsure if woman working in shop is interested in me. (Be kind, mums)

[Niddster]

A tale as old as time, but interested in anyone's perspective.

It’s a marginally atypical situation in which I’ve (m37) done my best to not be creepy or overstep boundaries. There’s a charity shop in my town I go into most weekends, and the manager is a woman about my age. She was always friendly for the at least two years I’ve been visiting, but we didn’t talk much beyond a brief chat about something I might buy. I suppose I wasn’t really noticing her.

Then a few months ago a guitar got donated and it led to us talking about music, so I started to make more conversation with her subsequently, very aware that she works there and is to some extent obliged to make pleasant conversation in return, and not wanting to be the guy that bothers her at work.

Subsequently I’ve started going in twice most weeks, and I noticed that she was beginning - apparently - to seek me out. I would say hi if she was behind the counter, and then a minute later she’d come and work close to me and talk. This has happened enough that I started to think “hell, this is what I would do if I was interested”. I came in wearing a new coat, she complimented me on it; I bought some art, she said she’d thought of me when she was putting it on the shelf; she asked me my opinion on the provenance of an antique print, going so far as to fetch the massive thing from the back and write down the details for me to research. On a busy day recently I decided to press a little and ask if she wanted me to fetch her a coffee from the local place. She said no, but then hung around with me by the door for a few minutes chatting, and as I would turn to go she'd say something else to keep conversation going. This has continued for some time now. We have in-jokes and recurring references and everything. Anyway, now I like her quite a bit.

She’s either just a great liar in the name of customer service, naturally friendly or has some interest. I suppose there’s no harm in outright asking her out, but for the potential awkwardness of course, and being British I would implode.

Is she single?

Ask her if she'd like to get a coffee with you on her break. If she says no, you probably won't die, and at least you'll know.

How could anyone else possibly know?

Ask her out, it's not that complicated.

She seems nice - ask her out. Nowhere spectacular; an afternoon coffee perhaps. If she says yes, great! If not, no harm done.

Faint heart never won fair maiden...and all that! 🙂

Best of luck!

Ask her if she fancies a coffee on her break, nice and casual. Please report back as I will become overly invested in this!! You sound like a nice guy, so even she says no it might give you the confidence to ask someone else in future. Good luck!

If she was interested would of happened by now it's been two years.

Maybe she's just chatty as your regular customer. Is there anything she says that makes you think she's after you?

She told me she's up for it.

Usually my take that people working in customer service jobs have to be nice and pleasant to customers, as it's just their job.

However, the fact that she has made an effort to make more conversation with you, seek you out and build familiarity suggests it's not just her being polite. It sounds like you two have a good rapport.

All you can do is bite the bullet and ask her out. Just don't be rude or anything if she says no.

Do you know if she is even single though?

The first step (I can't actually believe this needs to be said to someone in their 30s) BEFORE you ask her out and make a tit of yourself, is to find out if she is single.

You can do this in many different ways - from directly asking if she has a bf or is married or seeing anyone if you are feeling bold - to just bringing the conversation round to that topic in a round about (but never the less transparent) way if you are a bit more squeamish

Like asking what she's doing at the weekend and when she says nothing or something say just hanging out with your bf? or going with your bf?

Or start up a conversation about the difficulties of dating life as a single person which is a throwing a big ball to be hit back with a 'yes I agree' or 'i used to feel like that before I met Joe.'

This is the first question because if she's involved, you've got your answer.
If she's single, it's more likely she's interested and you can take it from there.

Hm. Sounds like she's a bit flirty but she could have a verrry different take on the situation. Once when working in customer service aged about 25 I was asked out by a man in his late 50s or maybe 60s. The humiliation and awkwardness of it was dreadful and cast a shadow since obviously he continued coming in to the shop. 🤢
I don't think that's you at all but just be aware she is at work (I think you are aware). And maybe if she says no, don't ever go there again!

Why do mums have to be kind? Some mums may see it as, a woman can't politely exist in her workplace without some guy overstepping and expecting her to accept a drink he could feasibly have tampered with or something (ok, extreme I know but not impossible, when you actually don't really know each other from Adam), and then she placates him so he doesn't get shitty.

It would be so hard for her to tell if that's the case or not, but pointing this out is not an unkindness.

In fact, I'd say the prerequisite statement demanding kindness is indeed lowering a boundary. Suppressing the option to say, are you SURE you're not coming on too strong/missing the mark? And exploiting her general kindness and politeness?

The only way to know is to ask her.

We've only really been talking since last August, once or twice a week. I've just been going into the shop for two years. And she's said nothing specific, but then neither have I.

Find out if you’ve got any music in common, then look for tickets to something. Go in the week before and mention that your mate can no longer go, then, as if you’ve only just thought of it, ask whether she’d be interested in going, as the ticket would only go to waste otherwise… 😉.

Once you’re married, you can fess up 😁.

Or… if it turns out she just likes you in a non fancying way (this is perfectly possible), you will have a new friend.

I am choosing to trust this intelligence.

A simple 'would you like to go for a coffee after work one day next week?' Or, 'I enjoy chatting with you, would you be interested in going out for a drink/ walk?' and if she declines don't make a big deal of it, just acknowledge you heard her and carry on being a polite, non-creepy, customer!

They don't have to be kind. I wasn't ordering them to be kind. More hoping for it given the situation is, as you've pointed out, potentially icky. If she wasn't going out of her way to seek me out and extend conversations and literally follow me, I would assume I was just missing the mark. I should ask her, shouldn't I?

Ask her to meet you for a drink after she finishes work

Yes ask her

Please ask her for a coffee and keep us updated!

Don't ask don't get

All the signs are good. Or at least none of the signs are bad. And fwiw you sound very self aware about how she might feel and not creepy at all. You can't do anything but ask her out - something low-key like a coffee. Of course you will implode with cringe if she says no, but that's just part of being British. It's not creepy to ask someone out in a scenario like this imo. The bigger problem for women is usually how men handle us rejecting them. But from the other things you've reflected on, you probably know that and won't be a dick.

As long as you can avoid going there again if she says no, you should ask her.

I worked in retail when I was younger. The amount of men who thought that I and other women were interested in them simply because we were doing our job was mind blowing. If you have been speaking since August I would have thought there would be clear signs if she’s interested. Also how is she lying in the name of customer service?

Don’t go in next week - it’ll keep her keen. When you do go in ask her to go to an art exhibition or something.