Unsure if woman working in shop is interested in me. (Be kind, mums)

[Niddster]

A tale as old as time, but interested in anyone's perspective.

It’s a marginally atypical situation in which I’ve (m37) done my best to not be creepy or overstep boundaries. There’s a charity shop in my town I go into most weekends, and the manager is a woman about my age. She was always friendly for the at least two years I’ve been visiting, but we didn’t talk much beyond a brief chat about something I might buy. I suppose I wasn’t really noticing her.

Then a few months ago a guitar got donated and it led to us talking about music, so I started to make more conversation with her subsequently, very aware that she works there and is to some extent obliged to make pleasant conversation in return, and not wanting to be the guy that bothers her at work.

Subsequently I’ve started going in twice most weeks, and I noticed that she was beginning - apparently - to seek me out. I would say hi if she was behind the counter, and then a minute later she’d come and work close to me and talk. This has happened enough that I started to think “hell, this is what I would do if I was interested”. I came in wearing a new coat, she complimented me on it; I bought some art, she said she’d thought of me when she was putting it on the shelf; she asked me my opinion on the provenance of an antique print, going so far as to fetch the massive thing from the back and write down the details for me to research. On a busy day recently I decided to press a little and ask if she wanted me to fetch her a coffee from the local place. She said no, but then hung around with me by the door for a few minutes chatting, and as I would turn to go she'd say something else to keep conversation going. This has continued for some time now. We have in-jokes and recurring references and everything. Anyway, now I like her quite a bit.

She’s either just a great liar in the name of customer service, naturally friendly or has some interest. I suppose there’s no harm in outright asking her out, but for the potential awkwardness of course, and being British I would implode.

I am a manager of a charity shop and would like to say that we see most of our customers every day, so twice a week wouldn't really stand out lol. I am very friendly and chatty, always happy to help anyone, but if any customers are too much, I just go out the back (as will all my staff with anyone they are uncomfortable with). As she hangs around and chats - i would say ask her out for a drink. Yes, she may just be a friendly person, but only one way to find out. I've been asked out a few times by customers, I've been flattered but declined. Nothing has come from it, I still see them and still friendly, it'll be fine 😀

Please keep us posted i'm so invested in this 🤞

Not surprising when literally in the title of the post he’s making demands and orders of how women should behave.

Are you Hugh Grant?

If the answer is YES, she is interested, ask her out.

If the answer is NO, she’s just doing her job and thinks you’re creepy.

Appreciate you're asking for female opinions but just wanted to pop in and add that you're overthinking this one. Sounds like she is potentially interested and if I was in your position I'd just ask her for coffee, suggesting somewhere relatively near to the place she works and if she's keen on idea suggest swapping numbers so you can arrange appropriate time - good luck!

I love this post for the quality of OP's English - grammar, spelling, punctuation, quotations. A welcome change from the usual tripe in Mumsnet.

OMG!!! 😯 🤢

This completely changes things then! I thought you were some inexperienced shy man who doesn’t know how to ask a woman out and fears rejection in case she wasn’t single. But no, what you actually want to know is our opinion on whether the woman is interested in you, regardless of whether or not she is in a relationship. The reason you are not trying to find out if she is in a relationship is because if she says yes, that will result in contact with her being cut off. Instead, you think you could seduce her slowly, win her over with your bi-weekly visits until she breaks up with her boyfriend.

So this is the difference between men and women:

• if women find out the guy they like has a partner, we stop trying to engage with them.
• if men find out that the woman they like has a partner, they continue to pursue them past the point of making them feel uncomfortable, because they are arrogant enough to think they’re the better man, or they don’t mind sleeping with someone else’s gf. And obviously a lot of love-bombing happens to ensure the woman gives in! So now I understand why men continued to ‘gently’ pursue me for months even when I made it clear that I already had a bf. They didn’t ask me out once they knew I had a bf so I couldn’t just tell them to leave me alone, they would just be there, offering to walk me to the station, to buy me coffee 🙄🙄. I thought they were just a bit naive or maybe smitten and I felt sorry for them but no, they knew what they were doing and were so arrogant that they thought they’d eventually seduce me.

You know what you’re doing is wrong and that’s why you mentioned being afraid of being ‘’pillared’’ by the women on this forum. Even if this woman is single, I hope she is not interested in you, because I think your moral compass isn’t quite right.

The fact that I spent time last night trying to write a long message to ‘help’ you ask this woman out makes me so angry with myself. When am I going to learn what men really are??

This is a really sensible post.

Actually, having read this, just leave her alone.

I know, it's interesting isn't it...I though initially he sounded OK, but the more he types he just seems arrogant and yes, a bit creepy.

OP why don't you ask for advice on Reddit, I'm sure you'll get lots of plaudits there for coming on to women already in relationships.

@Gabitule has summed it up perfectly.

You've just blown any credibility you had OP.

Honestly - and I haven't said this yet in case certain people decide to pillory me for it - it's unimportant to me if she's single. In my experience, it can be irrelevant (and VERY relevant, don't get me wrong) as I've had relationships that began out of the end of the woman's previous, that end being precipitated by me making advances without knowing she had a partner. But I appreciate your general thrust and advice :)

Boak.

I mean, it's very difficult to respect a man who has this sort of attitude and morals.

Don't worry OP, the mere spectre of infidelity is enough to make people Very Angry on here. I get what you're on about - people might say they have a partner but there are partners and partners... if you're not married with children, partnerships might come and go and in practice many folks move from one relationship to the next.

FWIW I like the cut of your jib. You're witty and funny, you browse round charity shops, you like music. You wouldn't be for me because I'd wonder why you weren't doing some fascinating and well paid work rather than chatting in charity shops all week, but the women you've got your eye on probably likes you ;)

I'd do a cheesy "what does your boyfriend think about x" when you next speak to her and if she says no, say you'd assumed she had one. if she says yes say he's lucky blah blah. Then give her a flirty glance. Then leave and don't come back for sliiiiiightly longer than usual. Then ask her out.

Shit, rumbled! I'M MELTING

Yes, because everything is that simple, of course. And not knowing someone's relationship status means I don't care. For... some reason. Not because there is basically no subtle way to discover it short of asking one of her colleagues, which is way too creepy.

Oh, I think that claim requires some citations for accuracy. You're genuinely interpreting my evidently tongue-in-cheek "be kind, mums" as an imperative rather than a self-deprecating comment on how potentially ridiculous my post, and intentions behind it, was and are? God, you're a joyless lot.

But... I don't know if she has a boyfriend. I would, I assume, find that out when I ask her out. How on earth is what I'm doing wrong based purely on the entirely theoretical detail of her involvement with someone else?

Joyless lot? You've had loads of good advice on here from people who wanted to help. Don't bite everyone's heads off...

Only the joyless ones.

As a case in point, a previous long-term relationship began when I started talking to a woman who was clearly interested, mentioned a few days later she had a partner she wasn't happy with, and then we were together within a couple of weeks. This is why it's not necessarily relevant to me to go through the dance of boyfriend-discovery. I can only base my attitude on prior experience, which is that people aren't always neat and tidy and will potentially leave one relationship to start another. As long as I'm not conducting psyops to break her up or seduce her, which I'm not, I'm at a loss to understand my lacking morals and attitude.

Indeed. She has access to The Back where she often works, and doesn't secrete herself there upon my arrival.

Oh the overcomplication of life since dating went online. Old Skool; ask her if she wants to go for a coffee with you, if you're feeling daring, a drink/dinner. If she says no, accept it with good grace.

Dating 101 from the Cretaceous.

ETA Try it, it worked really well for generations before OLD. I didn't notice a meagre number of paired up people or population decline when we did it this way.

It's good advice, but this literally isn't online dating! Nor a request for how I should ask her out. Not that I don't appreciate anyone's intentions there, but I was just sounding out opinions on whether asking her out seemed a good idea. I'll go in there with a flashbang next week, that's what women like.

Of course it's simple, you get to know a bit about her and showing interest in her. If she is following you around the shop and making you feel she is interested in you then you can show interest in her and her life.

One of the best ways to get people to talk to you about themselves is to tell people a little about yourself and then ask them a question around that, try that.

Fuck me, dating is never as hard as when you put your own barriers in the way of getting to know someone. The only one making it this complicated is you.

No, it isn't online dating, you actually know each other IRL. You are overthinking this and I don't understand why it is so problematic.

You stand the chance of being turned down, but unless you ask, you'll never know.