Unsure if woman working in shop is interested in me. (Be kind, mums)

[Niddster]

A tale as old as time, but interested in anyone's perspective.

It’s a marginally atypical situation in which I’ve (m37) done my best to not be creepy or overstep boundaries. There’s a charity shop in my town I go into most weekends, and the manager is a woman about my age. She was always friendly for the at least two years I’ve been visiting, but we didn’t talk much beyond a brief chat about something I might buy. I suppose I wasn’t really noticing her.

Then a few months ago a guitar got donated and it led to us talking about music, so I started to make more conversation with her subsequently, very aware that she works there and is to some extent obliged to make pleasant conversation in return, and not wanting to be the guy that bothers her at work.

Subsequently I’ve started going in twice most weeks, and I noticed that she was beginning - apparently - to seek me out. I would say hi if she was behind the counter, and then a minute later she’d come and work close to me and talk. This has happened enough that I started to think “hell, this is what I would do if I was interested”. I came in wearing a new coat, she complimented me on it; I bought some art, she said she’d thought of me when she was putting it on the shelf; she asked me my opinion on the provenance of an antique print, going so far as to fetch the massive thing from the back and write down the details for me to research. On a busy day recently I decided to press a little and ask if she wanted me to fetch her a coffee from the local place. She said no, but then hung around with me by the door for a few minutes chatting, and as I would turn to go she'd say something else to keep conversation going. This has continued for some time now. We have in-jokes and recurring references and everything. Anyway, now I like her quite a bit.

She’s either just a great liar in the name of customer service, naturally friendly or has some interest. I suppose there’s no harm in outright asking her out, but for the potential awkwardness of course, and being British I would implode.

Similar happened to me. I was asked out by a guy who worked at the gym I used to go to and honestly I wasn’t offended. Just flattered and a little embarrassed at first but it being a cheap gym and right at the end of my road I kept going and we kept joking when I went through the barriers and it wasn’t the end of the world. I’m terribly british also and no one imploded. Just bite the bullet, give her an easy out and see what happens. And if she says no don’t worry and keep going in, it’ll all be fine!
Good luck OP!! And let us know if all goes well please 🍾

I would probably not ask her out if I were you. Largely because in my local charity shops the assistants are all very chatty and friendly and remember things about the customers - because most of the clientele are regulars, and most are vulnerable in some way and come in largely for the social contact.

It’s possible she is being kind and inclusive rather than romantically interested, particularly if you’re there very often.

I may be totally wrong, but I’d tread carefully.

It's not a red flag. It was phrased tongue-in-cheek, which I know even if it wasn't obvious to you, as one of the only options I could think that explained our dynamic. Being aware of a possibility doesn't mean I'm judging it.

As others have said, ask her out for a coffee and take it from there.

You've done your best not to be creepy? So you have to try not to be creepy otherwise you would have been creepy?

I think it’s pretty clear he means he understands that some men behave in a sleazy way, and he really wants to avoid inadvertently doing anything that might make any woman feel uncomfortable.

It seems like she likes you l. It it were me and I didn’t like you/you were annoying me/I didn’t want to lead you on etc I’d have my head down and I wouldn’t be actively engaging etc. don’t listen to all the misery guts on here. They’re just being arses deliberately. At the end of the day the worst that can happen so you ask her for a coffee when it feels right (it’s never going to feel easy to do, but it’ll feel more ‘a natural progression of the conversation at some point’ and she says no, which I highly doubt she will based on what you’ve said. If she says no, you say oh no worries, have a great day blah blah. And then you simply leave the shop and walk into the sea! I’m joking! Do it! Life’s short!

Tell her you'd really like to go for a coffee with her and ask whether she is single? If you don't ask, you don't get. If she says she is single or politely declines, then you have a friend and you move on. If she says yes, then enjoy your coffee date. Whatever she says come back and update us 😊

Same.

I worked in retail part time on and off from when I was 18-25 while studying. Men as old as 60 asked me and similar aged colleagues out. When we said no, a few got really funny and basically said we had given them all the signs that we were interested, so that was smiling, making conversation and being pleasant, which we did with all customers as part of our job and passing time.

I don’t think it’s clear at all. To mention doing his best to not be creepy tells me that if he hadn’t put effort in, then he’d would have been creepy. Non creepy men don’t have to try not to be creepy, they’re just not creepy.

I used to work in retail and the only man who ever asked me out was hot as hell - without exgaggerating he was a fighter pilot who rode a Harley and looked like Richard Gere. I was not offended.😏
I would treat getting to know her a bit like making a friend rather than “ asking someone out on a date”. I’d probably find something that you’d like her to keep an eye out for you …. Frog figurines, specific vinyl or silk ties etc. Then give her your number and ask if she’ll contact you if any get donated. Then a little while later casually go “ hey let me know if you want to get coffee sometime “ and if she’s really vague she’s probably not interested and no one’s mortified.

Fair heart never won fair maid you big Jessie. Just tell her you're taking her out and stop beating about the bush.

God no, don’t do this!!

Tell her? Fucking hell.

Are you the wing man of the dude that asked me out?

Your parting words to me were "he's gonna have you! It's unavoidable!" (I think you meant, inevitable...).

If so...stop.

Women are free agents with free will. And possibly exisiting partners.

Shaddappya face.

Women still love all that romance. He needs to swagger into that charity shop like the aforementioned Richard Gere in officer and a gentleman and sweep her off her feet.

Yes, tell her. It'll work a treat.

If you’re extremely literal minded, then yes, you could read it that way.

But all the genuinely decent men I know are very aware of how creepy and intimidating and entitled other men can be, and will err on the side of extreme caution when it comes to chatting to women, rather than risk looking like a sleazebag.

Good God.

It is you.

op if you read this then please purchase a copy of The Rules of The Game. It'll give you all the tools you need to pull the birds in real life. None of this OLD malarkey.

Be quick though as you are already in potential friend zone

What? It’s really not that simplistic.

You do know that this suggestion is far too straightforward and sensible for Mumsnet Timetoheal4good 😆👍

Tell her to fix herself up you're taking her out ffs. Stop being such a wetwipe.

Maaaaaaaany years ago I worked at an airport. I was whizzing through the terminal on the heels I once wore, bumped into an American, sent his stuff all over the floor, helped pick them up, a bit of an eye meet, and he stammered er um I wouldn't normally but I wonder would you like to have a coffee, I said I'm so sorry, I can't, I'm on duty at 1pm, bye, and I still think about it to this day ... Wondering. ..

Just ASK HER OUT.

If there's a coffee shop nearby, and you know the shop closes for lunch, you could start there.

Keep it light, if she says no, no worries.

Your post is very sweet op, but I can’t believe it’s taking you so long to find out if this woman is single! There are easy ways to find out. Don’t ask obvious things such as ‘’what did you do at the weekend, did you spend it with your bf’’ because that will give away the fact that you are interested in her, and you may not want her to know this, in case she is not single.

You can ask open questions about her hobbies or how she spends her time, children, whatever flows easily from anything else you are discussing. Her answers may tell you if she is with someone. Usually, if I am NOT interested in someone, this is the moment when I mention something about my bf. This is to prevent guys from asking me out and making me feel awkward for saying no. If, on the other hand, I am interested in a guy, I take the opportunity to let him know i am single. I’d make multiple statements such as ‘’oh yes, I spent the weekend walking, I love walking on my own listening to music’’ or ‘’I am doing this hobby because it can get quite lonely being on my own’’. They will be in no doubt that I’m interested :).
If her answers to questions about her weekend/hobbies/children/etc don’t make it clear if she is single or not, it likely means that she has a bf but she doesn’t want to tell you because her ego enjoys your attention and she doesn’t want you to stop.

Once you find out that she is single, it’s time to ask her out. But bear in mind that she may be single but not interested in you. So if you’d find it awkward to be rejected then maybe don’t ask her out directly. You could, for example, engage her into conversation and half way through say ‘’I’d love to hear more about this/ tell you more about this but I need to run and do x. We should grab a coffee sometimes and chat more. Let me give you my number’’. This way you’re not putting her on the spot and she doesn’t have to reject you if she isn’t interested, all she has to do is not contact you. If you don’t hear from her you don’t have to avoid going into the charity shop, at the end of the day your coffee invite could have been a friendly one.

There we go, a full tutorial on how to ask a woman on a date! 😀

I like this idea and it takes away having to put her on the spot. Do you know if she has children? She may have a boyfriend that she doesn't like and is holding out for someone lovely like you. She probably has a name for you in her friend group chat (probably something like Mr Darcy) and they're all asking when you're going to ask her out. She must know you like her- it's not that common to go into a charity shop twice a week. If I were her and married etc, I'd still be super flattered to be asked out by you. Please keep being you- you sound like a really nice guy. Be genuine and she'll keep liking you for it, whatever the outcome.