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Original poster

Unsure if woman working in shop is interested in me. (Be kind, mums)

294 replies

Niddster · 09/01/2025 16:08

A tale as old as time, but interested in anyone's perspective.

It’s a marginally atypical situation in which I’ve (m37) done my best to not be creepy or overstep boundaries. There’s a charity shop in my town I go into most weekends, and the manager is a woman about my age. She was always friendly for the at least two years I’ve been visiting, but we didn’t talk much beyond a brief chat about something I might buy. I suppose I wasn’t really noticing her.

Then a few months ago a guitar got donated and it led to us talking about music, so I started to make more conversation with her subsequently, very aware that she works there and is to some extent obliged to make pleasant conversation in return, and not wanting to be the guy that bothers her at work.

Subsequently I’ve started going in twice most weeks, and I noticed that she was beginning - apparently - to seek me out. I would say hi if she was behind the counter, and then a minute later she’d come and work close to me and talk. This has happened enough that I started to think “hell, this is what I would do if I was interested”. I came in wearing a new coat, she complimented me on it; I bought some art, she said she’d thought of me when she was putting it on the shelf; she asked me my opinion on the provenance of an antique print, going so far as to fetch the massive thing from the back and write down the details for me to research. On a busy day recently I decided to press a little and ask if she wanted me to fetch her a coffee from the local place. She said no, but then hung around with me by the door for a few minutes chatting, and as I would turn to go she'd say something else to keep conversation going. This has continued for some time now. We have in-jokes and recurring references and everything. Anyway, now I like her quite a bit.

She’s either just a great liar in the name of customer service, naturally friendly or has some interest. I suppose there’s no harm in outright asking her out, but for the potential awkwardness of course, and being British I would implode.

OP posts:
saltandvinegarchipsticks · 10/01/2025 01:21

Don’t listen to Mr Tate over there.

Original poster
Niddster · 10/01/2025 01:26

Longbenton · 09/01/2025 23:46

op if you read this then please purchase a copy of The Rules of The Game. It'll give you all the tools you need to pull the birds in real life. None of this OLD malarkey.

Be quick though as you are already in potential friend zone

Ew. You mean negging and all that stuff? I'd rather get shot down than resort to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niddster · 10/01/2025 01:31

Gabitule · 10/01/2025 00:59

Your post is very sweet op, but I can’t believe it’s taking you so long to find out if this woman is single! There are easy ways to find out. Don’t ask obvious things such as ‘’what did you do at the weekend, did you spend it with your bf’’ because that will give away the fact that you are interested in her, and you may not want her to know this, in case she is not single.

You can ask open questions about her hobbies or how she spends her time, children, whatever flows easily from anything else you are discussing. Her answers may tell you if she is with someone. Usually, if I am NOT interested in someone, this is the moment when I mention something about my bf. This is to prevent guys from asking me out and making me feel awkward for saying no. If, on the other hand, I am interested in a guy, I take the opportunity to let him know i am single. I’d make multiple statements such as ‘’oh yes, I spent the weekend walking, I love walking on my own listening to music’’ or ‘’I am doing this hobby because it can get quite lonely being on my own’’. They will be in no doubt that I’m interested :).
If her answers to questions about her weekend/hobbies/children/etc don’t make it clear if she is single or not, it likely means that she has a bf but she doesn’t want to tell you because her ego enjoys your attention and she doesn’t want you to stop.

Once you find out that she is single, it’s time to ask her out. But bear in mind that she may be single but not interested in you. So if you’d find it awkward to be rejected then maybe don’t ask her out directly. You could, for example, engage her into conversation and half way through say ‘’I’d love to hear more about this/ tell you more about this but I need to run and do x. We should grab a coffee sometimes and chat more. Let me give you my number’’. This way you’re not putting her on the spot and she doesn’t have to reject you if she isn’t interested, all she has to do is not contact you. If you don’t hear from her you don’t have to avoid going into the charity shop, at the end of the day your coffee invite could have been a friendly one.

There we go, a full tutorial on how to ask a woman on a date! 😀

Honestly - and I haven't said this yet in case certain people decide to pillory me for it - it's unimportant to me if she's single. In my experience, it can be irrelevant (and VERY relevant, don't get me wrong) as I've had relationships that began out of the end of the woman's previous, that end being precipitated by me making advances without knowing she had a partner. But I appreciate your general thrust and advice :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Niddster · 10/01/2025 01:33

WishEveryPorchHadASwing · 09/01/2025 23:15

You've done your best not to be creepy? So you have to try not to be creepy otherwise you would have been creepy?

You caught me. Without careful oversight I just walk into her eyeline and stare down at her from half a foot's distance. I make sure I smell, too, just to complete the effect.

OP posts:
MJconfessions · 10/01/2025 01:36

You sound creepy. No one visits a charity shop every week, for multiple years - let alone twice a week!

You’re obviously going in purposely to see her and speak to her. She can’t get away from you, if she wanted to. She doesn’t sound interested in you and is just being polite because it’s her job and she’s trying to sell things.

She’s had 2 years worth of birthdays, Valentine’s Days, christmases and new years and other life events and hasn’t once enquired whether you are free to spend time with her outside of this environment. She clearly doesn’t need anything from you in that respect.

Original poster
Niddster · 10/01/2025 01:44

Chocoholicnightmare · 10/01/2025 01:09

I like this idea and it takes away having to put her on the spot. Do you know if she has children? She may have a boyfriend that she doesn't like and is holding out for someone lovely like you. She probably has a name for you in her friend group chat (probably something like Mr Darcy) and they're all asking when you're going to ask her out. She must know you like her- it's not that common to go into a charity shop twice a week. If I were her and married etc, I'd still be super flattered to be asked out by you. Please keep being you- you sound like a really nice guy. Be genuine and she'll keep liking you for it, whatever the outcome.

Show quote history

An actual heartwarming response.

Ok, I'll divulge another detail that I omitted because the internet can be mean. A few weeks ago I outright asked if she minded me coming in and talking to her and taking up her time. She said no, and not to worry about it. I mean she could hardly say "now you've mentioned it, get to fuck" so it was a bit unfair to ask, but... anyway, it was after this that she seemed to then be following and seeking me out more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niddster · 10/01/2025 01:53

MJconfessions · 10/01/2025 01:36

You sound creepy. No one visits a charity shop every week, for multiple years - let alone twice a week!

You’re obviously going in purposely to see her and speak to her. She can’t get away from you, if she wanted to. She doesn’t sound interested in you and is just being polite because it’s her job and she’s trying to sell things.

She’s had 2 years worth of birthdays, Valentine’s Days, christmases and new years and other life events and hasn’t once enquired whether you are free to spend time with her outside of this environment. She clearly doesn’t need anything from you in that respect.

Oh, come now. I've bought quite a few things from there, not as an excuse to talk but because they get good stuff. Whilst ALSO talking to her. Having favourite shops on a weekly routine is hardly weird. But since you're coming in hot, and also apparently without having read my post, let's clarify: we only really starting talking in August last year, she was basically a background face until then, and she goes far out of her way to talk and extend conversations. She isn't hiding behind the till putting in her obligated chat to me as I buy things. She's following me round the shop, and then to the door as I leave, finding things to talk about. That would be odd behaviour if she thought I was creepy.

Of course, mentally cataloguing this stuff may qualify me as creepy, but you've decided that anyway. Fill your boots!

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 10/01/2025 02:17

Niddster · 10/01/2025 01:31

Honestly - and I haven't said this yet in case certain people decide to pillory me for it - it's unimportant to me if she's single. In my experience, it can be irrelevant (and VERY relevant, don't get me wrong) as I've had relationships that began out of the end of the woman's previous, that end being precipitated by me making advances without knowing she had a partner. But I appreciate your general thrust and advice :)

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Now you sound creepy and predatory

Offleyhoo · 10/01/2025 02:21

You're 37. Just say you enjoy talking with her and as her if she'd like to go for a coffee some time. If she doesn't say yes there's your answer. No point in speculating any further.

Original poster
Niddster · 10/01/2025 02:23

MarkingBad · 10/01/2025 02:17

Now you sound creepy and predatory

Edited
Show quote history

I honestly don't see why.

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 10/01/2025 02:34

Niddster · 10/01/2025 02:23

I honestly don't see why.

Show quote history

Because you sound like you are only after a rebound shag and not a relationship.

I'm not against ONS or short term flings when people are free to do so and both are aware of that. However you started out sounding like you were looking for an honest relationship with this woman but now say you don't really care about her current situation. If you care about a woman you'd hope she was free and available to be with you emotionally and physically and that would matter but you say that's irrelevant.

So as you've done this OM kind of thing before yes you sound predatory on women at a low point in their lives and within their relationships, and that is creepy. I would say the same if you were a woman saying that too.

There will be quite a few here who will disagree with me but you wanted opinions and you've now had mine.

spare10 · 10/01/2025 02:42

@MarkingBad lol are you serious ....

MarkingBad · 10/01/2025 02:46

spare10 · 10/01/2025 02:42

@MarkingBad lol are you serious ....

That the OP comes on a mainly female forum where there are lots of people whose lives have been blighted by affairs and uncaring men ..... nah course not.

spare10 · 10/01/2025 02:50

@MarkingBad He has openly stated that he's seeking female opinion, it's not a secret. I think if he was after only a rebound shag as you put it, there's definitely easier and quicker methods....I don't know many casual sex goers that agonise over it for 2 years before making a move.

MarkingBad · 10/01/2025 02:58

spare10 · 10/01/2025 02:50

@MarkingBad He has openly stated that he's seeking female opinion, it's not a secret. I think if he was after only a rebound shag as you put it, there's definitely easier and quicker methods....I don't know many casual sex goers that agonise over it for 2 years before making a move.

Edited

But he hasn't been agonising for 2 years, it's been since August.

I did say people would disagree with me, I only offered my personal opinion as was asked for initially.

EmmaSmiff · 10/01/2025 02:59

A lot of my friendships as an adult have started by crossing paths on a regular basis with someone and either of us saying something like, “we should meet up for a longer chat sometime…” and then seeing what the response is. Why can’t this be any different? Build the friendship.

Original poster
Niddster · 10/01/2025 03:01

MarkingBad · 10/01/2025 02:34

Because you sound like you are only after a rebound shag and not a relationship.

I'm not against ONS or short term flings when people are free to do so and both are aware of that. However you started out sounding like you were looking for an honest relationship with this woman but now say you don't really care about her current situation. If you care about a woman you'd hope she was free and available to be with you emotionally and physically and that would matter but you say that's irrelevant.

So as you've done this OM kind of thing before yes you sound predatory on women at a low point in their lives and within their relationships, and that is creepy. I would say the same if you were a woman saying that too.

There will be quite a few here who will disagree with me but you wanted opinions and you've now had mine.

Show quote history

Where in fuck did you get all that from? I said that I've been in relationships - NOT short flings - that began out of the ending of the woman's, without me knowing they even had partners when I approached. So I know that a woman having a partner isn't an impediment to beginning a new relationship, but... how could I be predatory when I don't know her situation?

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 10/01/2025 03:04

Niddster · 10/01/2025 03:01

Where in fuck did you get all that from? I said that I've been in relationships - NOT short flings - that began out of the ending of the woman's, without me knowing they even had partners when I approached. So I know that a woman having a partner isn't an impediment to beginning a new relationship, but... how could I be predatory when I don't know her situation?

Show quote history

You don't care to know it's irrelevant to you

Again just an opinion.

Original poster
Niddster · 10/01/2025 03:06

MarkingBad · 10/01/2025 02:46

That the OP comes on a mainly female forum where there are lots of people whose lives have been blighted by affairs and uncaring men ..... nah course not.

Show quote history

If she's in a relationship and it's bad enough that she might want to end it, I'm at a loss to work out how that makes me an uncaring blight if I happen to ask her out at that moment. And this is all completely speculative. All I said was I didn't know her status and it didn't matter to me, not "I have deduced she is unhappy so I will manipulate her in her place of work until she does a fuck". Yes, you've stated your opinion; it just seems to come from a place of pain and little actual substance to my own situation, so naturally I'm challenging it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niddster · 10/01/2025 03:07

MarkingBad · 10/01/2025 03:04

You don't care to know it's irrelevant to you

Again just an opinion.

Show quote history

If you're going to quote, do it completely and honestly: "it's unimportant to me if she's single. In my experience, it can be irrelevant (and VERY relevant, don't get me wrong)"

OP posts:
OatMilkshake · 10/01/2025 03:09

The mask always slips.

Every. Fucking. Time.

MarkingBad · 10/01/2025 03:10

Niddster · 10/01/2025 03:06

If she's in a relationship and it's bad enough that she might want to end it, I'm at a loss to work out how that makes me an uncaring blight if I happen to ask her out at that moment. And this is all completely speculative. All I said was I didn't know her status and it didn't matter to me, not "I have deduced she is unhappy so I will manipulate her in her place of work until she does a fuck". Yes, you've stated your opinion; it just seems to come from a place of pain and little actual substance to my own situation, so naturally I'm challenging it.

Show quote history

As is your right to do so. For me disagreement is no barrier to conversation.

You know this situation best and your previous relationships but you did start out sounding like you did care about this woman and then reveal you haven;t really found out much about her.

Maybe start at the point, finding out about her life first before asking her out.

MarkingBad · 10/01/2025 03:11

Niddster · 10/01/2025 03:07

If you're going to quote, do it completely and honestly: "it's unimportant to me if she's single. In my experience, it can be irrelevant (and VERY relevant, don't get me wrong)"

Show quote history

Sorry OP that is a word salad

WishEveryPorchHadASwing · 10/01/2025 03:28

OatMilkshake · 10/01/2025 03:09

The mask always slips.

Every. Fucking. Time.

It wasn’t on very well to start with, but yes, it’s slipped, as always. Same old.

Christmasfizzleout · 10/01/2025 03:52

Just ask her out. If she is attached she will say. No need to establish her relationship status beforehand.

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