Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

That’s probably as good as it’s going to get. I dunno, could he learn by rote what to say (I’m well aware it’s not the same as having someone actually know what to do/say!). Could he be instructed to…
offer a hug
ask if there’s anything practical he could do to help
hold your hand
ask how you’re feeling and try and listen. I did some training in listening skills a long long time ago. Really basic like nod. Say uh huh and mmm. Offer statements like “that sounds hard” and “tell me more”…. I know it’s a bit cringe, but is there a possibility that he would like to support you but literally has no clue how to go about it? If you told him how sad you were and what you needed from him, would he say ok, but you’ll have to tell me what to do, or would he just stare blankly at you (DP would ask me what to do. Dad would stare blankly, so I guess there are sliding scales of being able to do that!).

I’m sorry because what you’re going through sounds so so hard. I really wish there was something that would make it better 🫂

Hi, I've name changed as I've been on MN for years.
I've been married 15 years, together 18 and have 2 children 9yo & 12yo, 12yo is diagnosed autistic with a PDA profile and I am now 99% positive my husband is the same.

A lot of posts on here that I relate to, actually tonight I had tears from reading some posts as I feel the same, it's so lonely.

I have really come to dislike my husband, I've tried so hard over the years, I now want to walk away but for financial reasons I can't right now,

We haven't had sex in almost 4 years (completely my choice) and our relationship or lack of one, is the reason.

He is just so cold, self absorbed and rigid in his thinking, it has got so much worse since he's got older.

I can't talk to him anymore as I just feel there is no point, we have absolutely nothing in common, not even the kids. Our eldest child hasn't spoken to him since May last year!
We have had systemic family counselling but nothing has changed.
I grew up with a narcissist dad so I know the difference but it just feels like I've replaced a toxic childhood relationship for an adult one.
Does anyone else not have sex with their husband?

@Georgeismydog I'm sorry to say that there may no point in looking to him for emotional support. Hope I'm wrong here, but if he's never been able to give it before, the fact that this great loss is happening won't mean that he can somehow break through to understanding that you need support and comfort. He may not be able to provide it.

He may be able to help in practical terms. But in emotional support, and from my heart I'm sorry to say this, you may be on your own.

If your husband is unable to handle emotion, looking for emotional support to him is going to make things worse not better as the sense of emptiness and disappointment as he lets you down will sting badly.

The best support may come from friends who were close to their mothers, and who have lost them.

Books can help at times, and writing things down, a day-to-day journal.

Talking to your mum as much as you can while she is able to. Store up the memories.

Possibly a forum on line where people are going through the loss of a parent they love - the people there might be able to walk with you, and you with them.

Thinking of you. Losing your mum is a time of great grief.

@narcASD Pretty much the same dynamics in our house. Haven't had sex, shared a bedroom in years. I am not attracted to dh anymore so don't see that situation changing.
I am also 'stuck' financially which has made me so resentful I realise.
Dh hasn't had any kind of conversation with me or the kids in forever.
It's a very sad state of affairs really.
The only saving grace is that dh works away so I get a couple of weeks to regroup.
No advice, sorry, I'm still trying to navigate my own shitty dysfunctional life.
Sending hugs though🫂, something i miss desperately, thank God for my kids.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress

As time marches on this is becoming more apparent. He told me yesterday that he is dragging his heels about booking a holiday with me as he didn't want to spend the whole week with me crying. I understand where he is coming from but thanks for the support

@BustyLaRoux &@Georgeismydog I understand how hard it is when your dh doesn't do emotion. I understand dh doesn't like emotive* situations. We have had our fair share of illnesses and deaths over the years.
Dh is useless to put it bluntly.
I have had to go to my grandmother and aunts funerals alone, the mechanical pats on the back, the insincere 'Oh, that's a shame' words of condolence. He says he feels sad but he doesn't appear sad. *It's all so mechanical and fake, even more so when he has a slight grin on his face.
When me or the kids have been ill or in hospital, he couldn't wait to leave for work as he " Hated seeing us like that".
He, on the other hand has had a pain in his shoulder for ages and has gone on and on about what it would possibly be.
He has been to the doctor, the chiropractor, massage therapist and is waiting to see the physio.
I think it's a trapped nerve, he's going with Parkinsons 🤔

Sorry @DucklingSwimmingInstructress I meant to include you in that last post🤗

@Georgeismydog that’s really shit. Blunt, hurtful, entirely self focused. That absolutely sucks.

I lost my mum a few years back. It’s crushing (I think the grief is what ended me up in this situation!) I am here if you want to talk to someone online about how you’re feeling. I know it’s not the same though.

Is there any way you could leave him in a year or so? Maybe get through the next six months and re evaluate? On the sliding scale of being able to offer any emotional support at all, he is clearly right down at the bottom end. It doesn’t sound like it has the potential to improve. X

BustyLaRoux

Thank you 😊 will take up your offer. Shall I PM you?

@Georgeismydog How did you not gasp aloud! The constant painful pinpricks from that sort of appallingly insensitive comment build up over time.

In my own experience, I'm not sure how far that will apply to you, the best thing I did was disengage and expect nothing but him making things more difficult, so avoided talking to him. On the occasions I did try, it added nothing but pain generally. On the few occasions he responded more appropriately, it made it worse as it was normal and warm and I wished so much that it could always be like that, that it actually made me more lonely.

In the end I completely disengaged; the priority had to be situation at that time and my children, not him. Would this work for you? Putting him on the back burner for now, if you can, and concentrating on your mum?

How hard is it for a person to simply say “I’m sorry I’m not too sure how to help you because It’s not something I fully understand so could just let me know how I can help”. I think we are all very reasonable people and would accept this. How can people simply do and offer nothing, I don’t get this really being ND myself. Yeah I find it all overwhelming,
sick people, emotional people but I’m not a cold hard rock. How can they not have any reaction in their hearts?

DucklingSwimmingInstructress

My mum doesn't like DH, never has done.

I offered him the options of separate holiday, no holiday or hope for the best

Adopting the mindset suggested in here as thinking of DH as a lodger. In the meantime building up my support network but ultimately I'm on my own with it all. Making sure I get enough rest as I get more stressed with lack of sleep but also balancing ways of coping

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy we do t share a bedroom either (for about 6 years), we recently argued so it's back to not talking again, this happens sporadically and it's always me who initiates speaking again, not this time though.
I do work and earn an ok salary but not enough to pay our mortgage/ bills.

I'm going to start saving and my goal is to sell the house, it's not done up fully yet so I'm trying to get it ready as I really can't carry in like this, I'll be 50 soon and I'm just done with it all.

@Georgeismydog so sorry to hear about your mum, it's devastating and I've been through it. It's coming up 6 years since she passed and it was very sudden, she was the triangle that held our family together, I'll never forget the day of her funeral my husband ran over a pigeon on the way home, I warned him it was in the road and told him to beep his horn to warn it, nope, he ploughed right on and I heard it's bones crush, I thought he'd show some emotion but nothing.

I'm so sorry you are going through this alone, I hope you have some external support. X

@narcASD no sex here either.
A mix of him not being good at it (I mean he doesn’t read body language and signals in that environment either) and the fact that I need intimacy (emotional, cuddles etc…) to feel like having sex.

But I have to say, that’s a very small part of what makes things difficult for me.

I'm going to start saving and my goal is to sell the house, it's not done up fully yet so I'm trying to get it ready as I really can't carry in like this, I'll be 50 soon and I'm just done with it all.

Good on you!!
Have you talk about it to anyone in RL yet? My advice would be to get support so you have people to lean on/support you whilst you sort things out (and afterwards).

I’m at the same time not surprised about his answer and absolutely horrified.

Im sorry @Georgeismydog . This must be a crushing time for you and, on the top if it, not being able to lean on him/have some emotional support from the person who is supposed to be there for you must be awful to deal with.

I think that’s that sort of things that destroy everything tbh.

SpecialMangeTout

narcASD

No sex here either unless I initiate but cba at the moment. Without any affection in between seems a tick box exercise

We are currently sitting in A&E.
Dh woke up with the chills and has convinced himself he is dying. Insisted I take him to hospital immediately.
He doesn't have any temperature, i checked. I suggested he spend the day in bed with lots of fluids and some painkillers (as i would do myself or suggest to the kids) Apparently I have no idea how bad he feels.
I obviously have to give him the benefit of the doubt here.

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy

Use the time to your advantage if you can thats what I'm doing.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy i really hope you’ll be seen quickly and it’s nothing serious!

DH would struggle like hell waiting like this - a mix of finding it boring, being impatient, struggling with the lights and noise.

I hope you’ll both be home soon.

The whole sex/affection thing was being interpreted differently with us.
If i showed any sort of affectionate gesture to dh it was ALWAYS interpreted as 'I want sex'
Sometimes I just wanted to cuddle on the sofa or hug while waiting for the kettle to boil. For dh that cuddle on the sofa would would mean I wanted him to grope my breasts, that hug waiting for the kettle meant I wanted him to dry hump me or put my hand down his pants.
I slowly stopped reaching out for 'affection' as i was so sick of being mauled. Now there is nothing, if we do touch it's completely by accident.

I honestly hope that it is nothing serious, obviously. I'm seriously trying to keep calm and reassure him that it will be nothing.
I'm hoping that for everyone's sake.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy at the start of our marriage, I used to joke with dh that there are feminine cuddles and make cuddles.
Then explaining that feminine cuddles just meant a cuddle vs make cuddles= first steps for sex.

It never sunk in so yes I , too, stopped trying to get affection/cuddles from him too.

This is my life currently and I’m sick of it. It’s like being constantly violated. I have stopped cuddling him which makes me sad because I like a cuddle.

I hug my kids all the time, I love hugs.
I have accepted i will probably never have sex again, the never having an affectionate hug from a soul mate makes me sad though.