Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

@narcASD we separated when I was about 50. It's far better to get over the giant road-bump that is the power of habit (if practical circumstances allow), than to stay stuck in the same house as someone that basically you will never be able to get on with in a mostly gentle, fun, mutually supportive way.

There are a lot of people on this thread who have developed auto-immune or other illnesses and sometimes disability, partly due to the experience of considerable emotional stress for many years.

I cuddle my dog for affection

Me too, she loves a cuddle!

Yes please do xx

So keep us posted!!! (Is that terribly mean of me?!)

Couldn’t cope with a dog due to illness.
But I’ve been wondering about a cat for a while, for that exact reason - my very own emotional support animal. Would have to have dh ‘on board’ though…..

SpecialMangeTout my DH never wanted a dog, could have knocked me down with a feather when he bought a puppy. Obviously I tell DH that dog loves him the most!!! Got to work with what I've got as easier than working against it.

Going to tell DH what a wonderful support he has been even though he has been as much use as a chocolate fireguard!

Every time I read this thread I wonder what our partners must be thinking about us. We do relationships so very differently. I have tried using the advice with family members, to see the world where they come from to see if we can build relationships. It just isn’t working. For example my partners mum will only visit us if she can find or there is a specific reason to come this way (10 mins away). It will be many many months, maybe a year before this reason comes up. This just isn’t a way to form a relationship but my partner thinks this completely logical. He’s fine with the blank cards, never being asked how he is doing, he is fine with having zero emotional attachment to his mum. They all get each other and I can’t find a way into this where I feel emotionally attached in anyway. I struggle with the relationship with my own child let alone my partner, I can’t get to grips with how this works!

Home again. Spent a few hours at A&E as dh was absolutely convinced he was dying this morning.
They did various tests, bloodworm etc.
Dh couldn't believe they found nothing wrong with him.
He was exhausted when we came home so went straight to bed.
I have been very patient and supportive.
I had to go out after dropping him back at home. Asked him to at least start dinner while I picked up the kids.
Came home and had to make dinner while he lay on the sofa.
He is now laying on the sofa again, guess I'll be tidying the kitchen too.

DH home early, been here about 1 hr and I'm still waiting for him to talk to me. Depression kicking in again. Been on my own since 6:30am

Don’t wait for him to talk to you! He can’t/wont. You’re setting yourself up for misery. You’re setting a test for your DH which he isn’t even aware of (will he talk to me? How long will I wait?). He won’t pass the test of course. And you’ll make yourself even more depressed. Try a positive action instead. Something YOU can do for YOU! Cuddle up with the dog and watch something. Forget about your lodger!!! 😉 Don’t set a test he cannot pass. You will be the one who suffers.

Gosh that does sound very serious! I wonder why the hospital didn’t keep him in?

Maybe you don’t need to understand it. You talk about this woman a lot. Trying to understand her or getting her to like you or include you or even acknowledge you. I wonder why. What do you expect to gain? Because it doesn’t sound like she can ever be the person you wish she was. I wonder if detaching and stopping giving her space in your head would help you think “fuck it! I’ll never be enough and frankly neither will she!”

Sorry, I feel like I have my harsh hat on this evening. Maybe it’s the lack of wine!!! (Trying to stop weekday wine). Hoping no one is offended! Xx

@BustyLaRoux I suppose it’s just because she is important to my partner. It would be nice to find some common ground but I feel like an alien as I do around my own ASD mum. It’s my stupid fault for getting with another man incapable of doing emotions then him coming from a family of ND people who mostly get on and are ok to live emotion free. I feel surrounded by people I can’t form an attachment to. (Apart from kids, although one is ND and doesn’t like me most of the time). It’s a world I don’t belong yet I’m in the middle of. I’m probably clutching at straws trying to achieve flacky relationships.

Well, you are clutching at straws. If you go to the meat market and ask for vegetables you won’t get them. There’s no point hanging around asking the meat guy for broccoli. Just turn around, march yourself out, and go find a store where they have what you are looking for.

How if at all do you manage to get your ND DP/OH to show they understand how something makes you feel and support you appropriately?

When something is difficult for me, DP will notice that I am upset but there just isn’t that empathy step of ‘oh wow I can see that would be so hard for you.’

I will cry at sth and he will freeze. He’s not being callous I think (that would be out of character as he’s very kind) but he just doesn’t seem to know what to say or do. I will explain through tears why I am sad. DP will reacts as I would if a strange woman came to the door and started talking and sobbing, entirely in Swahili (congrats to those who do but I do not speak Swahili). He is dumbstruck.

I don’t find it all difficult to step into someone’s shoes and I really feel and mean all of it. And I have ADHD.

DP is ADHD and perhaps ASD too but I’m the same. I do a whole bunch of autism stuff like getting obsessed with hobbies to the point they take over my life, but socially I think I’m fine. I’ve always truly been empathic.

So I don’t think being ND automatically creates an empathy deficit. More often than not those of us who are high functioning see and feel a lot more than NTs do cos we can’t prioritize what to pay attention to and we can’t tune out background anything and truly it’s a burden.

But in ND men there does seem to be a deficit maybe not in the actual empathy but in knowing how to show it.

Perhaps they are more likely to feel the other person’s feeling, worry they caused it and respond defensively or become paralyzed because of shame?

So is there a way to get an ND DP to empathise verbally and reassuringly? Or is that like going to a shoe shop to buy milk?

@Neurospice this is my issue with partner and family. I am ND but I can’t seem to speak the language of my ASD partner or family. I don’t understand it. I can empathise an awful lot and get quite overwhelmed in the process but still very capable. My partner has nothing,
like he simply doesn’t care.

I assume with mine the caring is there (he’s ever so kind and generous) but somehow the words and actions aren’t. ‘Why’ is what I’m stuck on.

Yeah sorry @Neurospice doesn’t care was probably too strong. I think probably what it feels like in my personal sense is sometimes annoyance from his side, he has no experience, no need to have the experience because it’s not part of his reality, me being OTT. It’s literally not in his repertoire. It’s like I’ve hit a button that has no assignment or programming. He has no idea of what sequence of events to do so he gets annoyed at me. I often think mine just humours me.

Something a therapist said to me which rang so true was that even if they don’t mean to act cold/hurtful, the effect on you is the same. This means the reaction to someone coming across as uncaring is justified whether they meant to be uncaring or not.

I have this ongoing struggle with DP where one of his kids (also ADHD) takes out a lot of his stuff on me. I know the child doesn’t mean anything bad by it. He is behaving and all child behaviour is communication. But because DP does not appear to know this is difficult for me or voice support or act to correct the child’s behaviour I have decided to no longer spend time with the child.

DP frequently asks me if I am willing to try again and what would it take and I say a) emotional support and empathy for me when child is hard work and b) whatever action is needed (as the parent you have to work this out, not me) to minimise the behaviour. DP would just stand by while his child raged at me and when i complained about it he would say I was trashing an innocent child. Then he would say I’d upset him! So yes he may care a lot and he does show his caring side in many other situations but in this one the effect on me was equivalent to having a partner who didn’t care. And that’s valid.

Ive settled into this kind of semi-partnership where I take the bits where DP can be caring and avoid the bits where he cant seem to be. He wants the full living together blended family and marriage and I think to myself he can have that once he is fully capable of being a partner in all situations. Until then I enjoy his company for dates and couple weekends and step aside from anything that might not be simple enough for him. He’s a boyfriend and as I don’t need a husband he probably won’t become one of those.

Like many on here, married or not, I find it best to be semi-detached.

Yes exactly this! Accept the ND man for what he can offer. He may be the absolute best at the things he can do well for you. But accepting what he can’t offer is crucial. I will never have a partner, in DP, who can support me in any situation. He will do some (many) things amazingly well but there will be gaps. When I don’t rage about what I’m not getting I don’t suffer. But also he is not the man I will fully combine my life with. Maybe that person is out there but they are probably NT and because I am ND too I would likely find the all-rounder DP or DH somewhat boring. And until I can cope with boring I choose the high maintenance unreliable Ferrari over the Volvo. The thing is to choose to live with the knowledge you can’t change a Ferrari into a Volvo, or choose to take the fantastically exciting unreliable motor back to the dealership and settle for the all-rounder that will never let you down for school runs 😂

Neurospice, might it be a freeze response because his nervous system is overwhelmed by your emotion? Or maybe he’s got slow emotional processing and he struggles to react and because this has caused problems before it causes a shutdown? Just a couple of thoughts.

I expect both of these, yes. He’s said as much.

What I’d love to know is how to communicate ‘I am sad’ in a way that doesn’t cause him to freeze.

Yes Rainbow, I think you’ve perfectly described what you’re doing and why. It’s not your “stupid fault” at all. You’re no more stupid than any of us. We all sometimes feel like that, but we don’t have crystal balls. We didn’t know what we were getting into and how it would turn out. You’re not to blame. I fully understand why you feel like an alien. I suppose you are to them! But you’re right, you’re clutching at straws to try and forge something that is never going to be and only seems to make you feel shit! Their emotional (or lack of) connection with people isn’t your fault any more than it is theirs. Rejoice in your alien-ness. It’s what makes you you! You don’t really need to forge emotional relationships with these people. You tried. You can’t. They aren’t your cup of tea and you’re not theirs. It’s really nice that you tried so hard as they mean so much to your DP. But seriously maybe time to cut your losses and find friends who meet your emotional requirements than flog that dead horse. 🐴
ps you sound like a great mum. I know your DD presents challenges. I hope you’ve found some other local parents / groups who can offer some practical and emotional support when you need it. Xx