Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

You’re on the right road. Remind yourself the relationship isn’t the whole of your life. I actually feel very emotionally independent these days. I have lots of things to look forward to. Like if things are going well with DP (which they are right now minus the odd irritation!) then that’s great, if not then I follow the above steps and remind myself he isn’t my everything. I am a whole person without him.

By the end of my marriage to an autistic man, one who wasn't willing to self-examine, make any compromise, take responsibility for himself and who put all the blame for everything that went wrong on me, I saw him as an unpleasant man I had to share the house and children with. Given the behaviour of that man, I actually started to think of him as an alien.

My older son is autistic but I don't think the same way about him at all, though it's clear our thought processes are very different.

I made mistakes in the marriage and wasn't always easy to live with mind you.

Realising and accepting that I don't have, probably never had and definitely never will have the relationship I thought i did, was and still is the hardest part to come to terms with.
Realising and accepting that I will never be able to fix the issues in my relationship.
Realising and accepting that I need to detach and not take anything dh does or doesn't do, says or doesn't say personally.
Realising and accepting that I can't, never could and never will be able to depend on dh.
Realising and accepting that I need to stay in this relationship, for now.

I have in no way accepted any of the above 100%, but, I'm slowly very very slowly getting to a place where I can detach a little more each day and not feel guilty.
I agree that the only way to survive is to carve out a life of my own while in the confines* *of a relationship that is slowly destroying my soul.

.......and everyone on this thread has been such a supportive bunch of wonderful people. Kept me sane. 💐💐💐

Had to name change again 🙄
December was the turning point, I’m now a grey rock.
DP hasn’t filled the void which suggests no narcissistic traits but I’m now building me on my time line.
Quite exciting really. Have void, will travel

I'm still here. I sometimes avoid this thread for months at a stretch because things are going 'well' in a 'living in denial' sort of way.

Then we have our occasional blow up and I think why the fuck did I stay and ruin my own life? Why did I stay till I felt too old and unwell to manage life on my own? Too old and unwell to meet a new partner?

For the regulars: solidarity ❤️

For any newbies: don't stay. Get out while you can. Seriously. Run, don't walk because some day you might not be able to.

Yes Yes YES @SquirrelSoShiny. Absolutely agree, get out before you’re too old/ ill/ exhausted to leave.
don’t be me, nearly 70, living a miserable life with a man who I cannot depend on. I’ve carved out a life, friends, groups, swimming, but it’s still bloody lonely.

@Bluebellforest1 I'm sorry and I get it x

I'm glad you carved out a life separately but none of us signed up for a marriage of quiet separation.

I was getting very close to leaving and then I became disabled. It really is that simple. I stayed too long and unlike some husbands on this thread my husband is not a bad man, he has many admirable qualities. I can love and value him for many of these qualities while still feeling desperately lonely at times, especially when I see how rigid and disordered his thinking is. We had one of those times this morning and it shattered the denial once again. But quite simply we will probably paper over the cracks and carry on.

@SquirrelSoShiny I could have written your post, word for word.
I had my ducks aligned 5 years ago, all ready to leave. Then Covid happened, then I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
In the past 2 years I have managed, at huge mental cost to me, to persuade him that we should move from a rural area to closer to my sons and civilisation. We have now done so, and having done almost all of the organisation and management of the move, I’m exhausted.
My husband isn’t a bad man either, but the rigid and disordered thinking, and the almost constant misunderstandings because he honestly believes that because he has thought something, then I must think the same, are incredibly difficult and frustrating to live with.

I agree here too about how ill health/disability/old age make leaving so much more difficult, whatever the ‘normal’MN boards want you to believe.

But more to the point, you dint want to end up ill and damage your quality of life beyond repair. Simply because of its impact on you, regardless of whether you separate or not.
Life as a single person isn’t much fun when you’re housebound or don’t have energy to do much (or are in too much pain)
Staying healthy is a boundary we should all have. And putting ourselves first should be a priority when it’s about health.

So yes, staying at all cost isn’t a good move

I agree here too about how ill health/disability/old age make leaving so much more difficult, whatever the ‘normal’MN boards want you to believe.

Yes, the 'normal' boards sometimes give very simple advice without taking into account the severe limitations that poor health / disability can bring. Even worse when there are children in the mix.

First time posting on this thread. DH has ADHD. DH has seen me clean up this afternoon - hours of tidying, cleaning - only to create more clutter/mess (not putting dishes in dishwasher, putting cardboard on top of recycling bins not in etc). This is typical.

I was working on a document- (I am an academic) and as he was playing a game he did not offer to cook or do anything practical (although he offered me a biscuit).

Earlier today we went for a walk but as he is faster he will not slow his pace and just walks ahead.

On the other hand he will read drafts of papers I have written with interest and comment on them.

I do not think he means to be thoughtless but as another poster said - if he has no interest in something he won't do it or won't see a need to do it.

He also needs about three sources of stimulus at any one time (TV, screens , radio all on) or he loses focus.

Is this normal for ADHD DHs?

A lot of this is very familiar. Have you tried to address this with him? Divvy up tasks? It’s not easy. I’m currently working on this with my partner x

@Gingerwarthog yes tbh it is normal and I'm the ADHD one in my marriage.

My advice:
Don't be passive aggressive or expect mind reading.
Divvy up tasks.
Remind him
Expect it to be done but not necessarily at the time you want. So it might be done at bedtime rather than lunchtime if it's not time critical.
Don't underestimate our capacity to simply not see. It's not malicious. It's just not where the hyperfocus goes.

My mum has terminal cancer, she has lost her hair and slowly withering away. Sadly she wasn't well enough on Christmas Day to visit, I spent the whole day crying and have been crying a lot ever since. The reality of the situation is hitting me hard. I'm finding the zero empathy and lack of emotional support from DH really hard, he simply doesn't give me any. Advice please, im completely on my own navigating all this

@Gingerwarthog A lot of what you have described is normal in our house too. Multiple devices on at one time, walking ahead when we are out, needing direction for any housework task, has to be told to do anything that is outside his own bubble.
I have asked for him to do things repeatedly over the years and yet I still get the 'Oh, I forgot'
Dh only does things if and/or when he wants to do them.
I keep telling myself that it's not deliberate when he just doesn't think but it's getting harder* *and harder to not read it as he just doesn't give a shit about me.

Thanks @SquirrelSoShiny and @Billnben.
He knows I have a deadline for some work and am stressing about it so he has taken me out for a dog walk in the rain while walking 50 metres ahead and shouting advice back to me.
He then marched up to the shop in the pissing rain and bought me croissants. I have now been sent to the office to work and I think he expects me to hyper focus for the next 4 hours.

He is helpful and caring but it's a different way of thinking....

Thanks @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy
Sorry it's getting you down.

Does he help with practical things to do with your mum? Maybe if you allocate him practical tasks this is where he can be of use. I think men generally (sorry to all the men this doesn’t apply to!) tend to want to solutionise. So a “problem”(sorry, I know your mum isn’t a problem, but just trying to get into the mindset of an autistic man like my DP who would categorise it in that way) has both emotional and probably some practical requirements of you. Support with the emotional isn’t going to happen. That’s not something he can fix or solve. Practical support he might do better with: can you get this from the shop? Can you make sure I have some dinner as I will be home late on Tuesday after seeing mum?

Not all autistic people can manage practical things of course. Lots of reports on here about how the partners basically run the whole show while autistic partner retreats into their special interest or seems unable to contribute to the household chores. My DP is a very practical man and will often look for practical ways he can help. Sometimes I just want to vent about something which has been difficult (work, relatives, etc) and I don’t need a solution. But that’s how his mind works. Are you able to ask him for practical support instead of emotional? I know it’s not the same. I know it’s less than you need. I know it’s not what you’re asking for. I wonder if there is a way he could help you in a way which is doable for him and which might lessen your burden a bit.?

BustyLaRoux

100% this is my DH too. He is a practical man and a fixer. His love language is acts of service. He didn't buy me a birthday card last year and didn't understand why I was so upset. From his point of view he washes my car "for me" so that negates that.

*BustyLaRoux *great advice to ask him for practical support, I think that would work. In the meantime how do I help myself with my emotional needs?

DH spontaneously apologised this morning which was a pleasant surprise. I sometimes think he has a sixth sense for when the scales have tipped back towards me wondering whether to stay or go. His work is taking the piss and it's easier to 'kick the cat' ie me than to tell his bosses to fuck off.

He is very much someone who has acts of service as his love language. I really need to remember that leaving mess in the kitchen feels like not loving him through his lens rather than 'She's tired / distracted and she'll do it later.' The difficulty is with the rigid thinking any explanation never seems to filter through. Truthfully I sometimes think I'd be better off living alone in a minimalist cave with no WiFi where I can't annoy anyone!

@SquirrelSoShiny I am one very scarred and bruised cat.

At the same time I would always prefer to make something or buy a special tree/plant/shrub. There's something very intimate about making something for someone, and I much prefer the permanence of a living plant.

(Cut flowers regularly from the garden)

What you need is a listening ear and a nice empathetic response without the need to find a solution and I don’t think a lot of autistic people can manage that. It’s not their fault. They just don’t work that way.

In answer to your question:

Would he be able to just give you a hug. No words needed. Just wrap arms round you while you sigh/cry/say nothing? Could you prep him in advance? (Sometimes I will need a hug from you. That’s all. I might cry. You don’t need to fix me. I will tell you when I need this. Is that ok?)

Do you have anyone else you can talk to? Sibling or friend or older child? If things are overwhelming.

There is a degree of acceptance required to make peace with the lack of emotional support. It’s a double pronged attack on your emotions:

1. needing the emotional support in the first place
2. additional upset that DP can’t do this for you when you need it.

Try to find a way to accept his limitations so you only have to worry about number 1 and can let go of number 2 to some extent.

It’s really hard. I’m not gonna lie. When I was going through my divorce, I just wanted my sole remaining parent to be able to support me. But he can’t/wont. Just says things like “well there you are then”. Or “well you married him!!” Very unhelpful. He doesn’t know what to say. Practical tasks are absolutely all he can manage.

xx

BustyLaRoux

He does give "token" hugs but doesn't really know why he is doing it