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Original poster

New partner has to work as a tramper, he's stressed and distancing himself

238 replies

GiddyOtter · 04/01/2025 23:48

So my new partner is an HGV driver. He currently works night shifts but his employer has informed him that in 4 days time he will be a tramper (living on the road in his wagon). I don't drive and have a daughter from a previous relationship so I can't just go to meet him when he's on a break.

What advice would you give to someone in my shoes as the relationship is quite new. I don't want to lose him but with how distant he has been I think he can't see a way of making it work but I sure as hell would try anything. Also the chances of him being anywhere near to meet are very slim by the sounds of it.

The boss has said he will be home for one weekend a month but he too has a daughter so I don't want to be taking him away from her as he won't have seen her for weeks. Obviously as the relationship is new we haven't met each others children yet so it's not as easy as saying when he is home do something just the four of us.

I don't want to beg him to be with me if he feels it won't work but I will try absolutely anything before giving up.

Any advice please

OP posts:
IdontPracticeSanteria · 05/01/2025 10:26

It's not a relationship.

You're fuck buddies/casual sex. And now it looks like he's trying to end that arrangement.

FiatMultiplaWhopper · 05/01/2025 10:28

Datesandprunes · 05/01/2025 08:37

How do you drive a HGV to Ireland? Can someone explain?

wow you cannot actually be this stupid…

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 05/01/2025 10:33

GiddyOtter · 05/01/2025 07:15

When she's in bed and fast asleep he comes to see me and as he hasn't met my daughter he's gone in time for them both waking up

Show quote history

A 'partner'? Confused

TheCrassInCrassula · 05/01/2025 10:37

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/01/2025 01:12

You’re exceptionally gullible and he’s a liar. Come the fuck on and wise up to this nonsense

I agree.

An AirTag in his bag or the like would soon be telling you a very different story OP

Quinto · 05/01/2025 10:39

Datesandprunes · 05/01/2025 08:37

How do you drive a HGV to Ireland? Can someone explain?

Well, this certainly cheered me up. @Datesandprunes, how did you imagine goods got to and from Ireland?

Nothatgingerpirate · 05/01/2025 10:41

I don't believe him.
😕

notacooldad · 05/01/2025 10:41

The easiest solution is for him to change employers.

Ds is a HGV driver. He put in his notice at the beginning of December with a view to having Christmas and New year off. He starts a new job on Monday. They wanted him to work last week. He has several job offers and could take his pick which was best for him

There seems plenty of jobs going for HGV drivers.

MissBattleaxe · 05/01/2025 10:43

Rubydoobydoobydoo · 05/01/2025 09:48

You say he has no reason to lie. But...

You're calling him your partner though this is very early days in a relationship and as you say, the pair of you have had difficulty getting time together. Most people would call him a boyfriend.
You're already thinking through the possibility of travelling with him, even if you know that's out of the question because of your daughter and your work. Why even consider it?
You only spend a few fleeting hours together late at night/mornings. Has it not occurred to you that this could be very convenient arrangement for him. He gets sex and breakfast but none of the long tedious hours hanging out with you and your daughter.

I suspect, OP, that you're coming on far too strong for him. He wanted a casual set-up, arriving at night for sex, no strings, no major emotional commitment. You're planning a future together and he needs a way out. He's a coward and doesn't want to admit he was only using you/ he's not so keen, so he's invented this ridiculous story. He's trying to leave the relationship without upsetting you, probably because he'd quite like to keep the option of dropping by occasionally for sex and breakfast open. What he's telling you really clearly is that he's not available for the kind of relationship you want.

Edited
Show quote history

100% this. Every word is spot on. He's definitely not a "partner". Do better OP. Find someone who wants the same commitment you do. When it's right, it'll be easy. Forget about trying to make this work. It's a dud.

IdaPolly · 05/01/2025 10:45

Can he apply for other companies?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/01/2025 10:50

"He was coming to see me after finishing his night shifts so that we got time with each other as I work during the day ..."

"I see him at weekends as he leaves his daughter at home with his parents."

"When she's in bed and fast asleep he comes to see me and as he hasn't met my daughter he's gone in time for them both waking up"

You are not this man's new partner, you are his booty call.

"I don't want to lose him but with how distant he has been I think he can't see a way of making it work but I sure as hell would try anything."

"He's distancing himself as I think he is genuinely upset that we have bonded together as a couple and now everything is up in the air."

You can see that he's distancing himself, and you are ascribing all sorts of noble reasons for that. Have you considered that he might just not be that into you?

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I really think you need to take a step back from this man.

Jk987 · 05/01/2025 10:51

He surely can't be forced to change his employment contract? HGV drivers are in big demand, he could apply for jobs with other haulage companies.

YeFaerieBean · 05/01/2025 10:52

it sounds like a he’s a “shag partner” not a “life partner”

OurDreamLife · 05/01/2025 10:54

Is looking for a new job an option?

LushLemonTart · 05/01/2025 10:58

@GiddyOtter please take your blinkers off. For one thing dd shouldn't be in the house when he is. It's disgraceful. This isn't a relationship he's a fuck buddy who no doubt has others on the go. You're refusing to see what's in front of your face.

retinolalcohol · 05/01/2025 10:58

HGV drivers are in high demand. If he wanted to get a new job that didn't involve this ridiculous schedule (which I doubt is 100% truthful anyway), he could.
You're not a partner to him - just someone he's been seeing casually. If you were a partner to him, he'd look for a new job.

Don't bend over backwards trying to make something work with a man who, when it comes down to it, just isn't that arsed about you

YourHappyJadeEagle · 05/01/2025 11:00

Have you ever seen his daughter, or his parents come to that?
It really does sound as if he has another partner/wife or multiples thereof.

And I think he’s distancing himself because he can see you're going to work that out. You’re trying to solve this “problem” which in reality is his diversion tactic. Sorry op, you are just another woman in another town. Make sure you get an STI check.

Muthaofcats · 05/01/2025 11:02

GiddyOtter · 04/01/2025 23:48

So my new partner is an HGV driver. He currently works night shifts but his employer has informed him that in 4 days time he will be a tramper (living on the road in his wagon). I don't drive and have a daughter from a previous relationship so I can't just go to meet him when he's on a break.

What advice would you give to someone in my shoes as the relationship is quite new. I don't want to lose him but with how distant he has been I think he can't see a way of making it work but I sure as hell would try anything. Also the chances of him being anywhere near to meet are very slim by the sounds of it.

The boss has said he will be home for one weekend a month but he too has a daughter so I don't want to be taking him away from her as he won't have seen her for weeks. Obviously as the relationship is new we haven't met each others children yet so it's not as easy as saying when he is home do something just the four of us.

I don't want to beg him to be with me if he feels it won't work but I will try absolutely anything before giving up.

Any advice please

Sounds like he’s trying to gently end it OP.

OriginalUsername2 · 05/01/2025 11:05

It isn’t sitting right with me either. My immediate thoughts are that he’s lying.

xyz111 · 05/01/2025 11:06

Sounds like an awful relationship. I just did a quick google search and there's loads of hgv driver vacancies in my area alone. If this is all true and he doesn't want to do it, then he could just leave and get another job.

devilspawn · 05/01/2025 11:12

Datesandprunes · 05/01/2025 08:37

How do you drive a HGV to Ireland? Can someone explain?

The wheels of the lorry retract and a periscope comes out the top of the cab and it transforms into a submarine.

zingally · 05/01/2025 11:13

Hmmm... Like other posters, I'm finding it hard to believe that his employer has dumped a completely new life on him with 4 days notice. That seems 100% unlikely personally. What if he had children at home and/or caring responsibilities? It just wouldn't happen.

From what I see just driving around, companies are CONSTANTLY after new drivers. And if your DP doesn't like what's being offered, it seems like an experienced truck driver would have his arm bitten off if he decided to go elsewhere.

Sorry to say it, but there's definitely more to this story than meets the eye. The poster who referenced Chandler in 'Friends' telling his girlfriend he was moving to Yemen to avoid having the awkward break-up conversation, is right on the money.

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/01/2025 11:13

GiddyOtter · 05/01/2025 07:15

When she's in bed and fast asleep he comes to see me and as he hasn't met my daughter he's gone in time for them both waking up

Show quote history

It gets worse. You’re his nocturnal bunk up and he’s gone few hour after. Gross
Stop facilitating this nonsense. He’s liar. You’re gullible with low standards

Tealpins · 05/01/2025 11:15

Datesandprunes · 05/01/2025 08:37

How do you drive a HGV to Ireland? Can someone explain?

Ah, go on. There's a secret tunnel for the Kerrygold trucks and then everything else is flown over by the pixies.

Rubydoobydoobydoo · 05/01/2025 11:17

OP, you've gone very quiet. If what we're saying has started to ring true then I imagine it's been horrible for you.

You already have one child and no partner to support you. Please don't risk having another with another man who won't be there for you. And please, look around for a therapist to work this through with. Some places that train therapists offer free sessions to people who are on low incomes. You need to work out why you mistook this arrangement for a relationship and learn what a good relationship looks and feels like. This isn't just for you but for your daughter's sake too, because she deserves more than men coming (literally) and going (literally) in the night. You've got to raise your bar and learn not to fall for the first man who shows you some interest — for her sake. She deserves better than this.

Custardslices · 05/01/2025 11:17

He's just not into you OP

He gets what he wants off you then leaves. You need to block him and think no more of him.

Wise up it's going nowhere.

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