Partner offended over couples sex toy I bought him

[Bamboosilverleaf]

Basically what it says in the title.
Been with partner for over a year. Sex life seems open and fun and we both love each other.
At Christmas we bough main present each and said a few jokey / sexy things.
One of the smaller things he got me was pretty lingerie that I loved.
One of the smaller things I got for him was a c*k ring as he opened it I said for both of us. He went oh ok. Got up and started a making a cup of tea. Anyway since then he hasn't mentioned it he's put it away in a draw. I wore my lingerie last night and said babe get the c*k ring out , massage oil etc . He didn't get it out the drawer. I left it, we had fun anyway.
So this morning I say to him , have you tried that c**k ring? And he said I don't really understand why you bought it , it's like basically saying I'm not enough for you or not getting your clitorous off by myself.

I'm in shock. I think I've made him feel insecure. He's being really distant with me this evening. He looks hurt. Have no idea why??

FWIW, I think I would have tolerated this in my 20s. I'm in my 40s now and there'd be one conversation where I explained what I need to enjoy sex, and whether he was prepared to provide that. If not, we'd go our separate ways. I wouldn't keep asking, or doing things that made me feel 'dissociated' in the hope of some compromise somewhere along the line when he feels like jt.

If I were the OP I'd give it one more frank conversation. If that's not successful, I'd be out of there. There's only so much you can do.

Ok, at first I thought it was a misjudged gift and I could see why he was offended.

However, having read all of your posts the problem is clearly that you are dating a man who is very selfish in bed. It clearly is not going to get better. You either have to resign yourself to a life of unsatisfying sex or end the relationship and find someone who is turned on by pleasuring you, and so will put the work into learning how to do this.

I actually think is quite sad that you had to resort to this covert method to try and get an orgasm, because he hasn't bothered learning how to get you off. Relationships should not be like this.

@Bamboosilverleaf : not RTFT just everything you have posted, and you have said:

“This is really interesting. I think I am being a bit performative. Don't get me wrong I enjoy dressing up, it makes me feel very sexy & I find it fun , however I think I may have an issue when I'm in a relationship & things aren't going so well I over compensation in other areas. The performative part interests me because sometimes I feel like I'm not in my own body, disassociated almost. It's very hard to explain. He's not forcing me to do anything nothing like that, I'm always up for role play but I do sometimes feel I am in someone's else's body when it comes to having sex with him.”

And even before you said that, as you described what kind of things you do, I thought it was all sounding very performative and, frankly, effortful. Which would be fine but it’s not satisfying you. He’s got you whirling, twirling and performing but he’s not doing the basics. Many women (indeed most I think) need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. PIV alone is not enough. It is absolutely not okay that you’ve got all this effort and performance going on and he cannot be bothered to make sure you also receive pleasure. IME men who are good in bed understand the need for many women to have clitoral stimulation and they make sure it happens. This may have hurt his ego but in fact he’s not giving you what you need. He either needs to face the painful home truth and up his game (and most of us in long relationships have had to face a painful home truth from time to time) or sooner or later you’re going to want to go looking for a man who cares about your pleasure.

Bit of a generalisation.

There is an ocean of possibilities between PIV and sex toys.

Yes, of course.

It's not that this bloke doesn’t like toys, though. It's just this particular one he's miffed by.

@Bamboosilverleaf .....I hope you're OK. 🥰

PLEASE don't twist this into a 'sisterhood' thing supporting your right to orgasm!

You hit a nerve. Stop trying to justify it to yourself. It doesn't sound as if he's keen to bring up the subject. Leave it.

Stop trying to justify it to yourself. It doesn't sound as if he's keen to bring up the subject. Leave it.

In other words, don't communicate. Right? @exaltedwombat

Yes. In this particular case, don't instigate communication.

So partners should not have open communication? Especially when one is not being satisfied and is instead being used? Have you even read the actual thread?

It's clitoris. Not bloody clitorus

And he told you why he doesn't like it - he thinks you are saying he can't get you. Bin it.

OP re read what you've said here -imagine it was a friend talking; what advice would you give them? You really don't seem compatible, even if you think you love him. A year isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, I'd be tempted to let go and move on.... find someone who you genuinely connect with. You will thank yourself later. x

I’ve read how it’s been twisted round from an untended criticism of his virility to HER right to additional stimulation. :-)

Clitoris. And why are you using asterisks instead of just writing cock?

My hubby loves his cock rings………it’s not about keeping an erection, he says when he ejaculates it’s 100 times more intense cause it really has to blast its way through 👍🏻

As a male, if my wife bought this, I wouldn’t care. If it helps her, great, and let’s be fair if it helps her it helps me!

It’s not like it’s something you’ve bought to “replace” him.

I could have written this! Bought a toy at Christmas just for a bit of fun. It’s a ring with a vibrating part and had great reviews from men and women. My partner hasn’t said too much about it but has just put the toy in a drawer and not mentioned it again. I am ignoring him - I’m sure he will enjoy it once we do use it.

My main reason for buying it is because it was the only ‘couples’ toy I could find and he does often finish quicker than me which is frustrating. I thought this might help me get there quicker.

I actually find it quite ridiculous if he doesn’t get over himself (he does not have any issues with ED etc, if he did I wouldn’t have bought it without discussing it with him).

This is my OH's take, too.

Even if a guy doesn't lose sleep over a woman's pleasure in and of itself, surely if she enjoys sex he's likely to get laid more frequently and more enthusiastically? I can only conclude that there are far more guys out there who just want a woman to lay still and stare at the ceiling than I realised. Grim.

Couldn't agree more. What a load of bollocks.
He likes her in sexy clothing but she's not allowed to need something extra.... What utter hypocritical bullshit!!!

@Bamboosilverleaf

Hi op don’t feel disheartened. My wife bought me the exact same toy from love honey. It was also a disaster because she came so hard she gave me a groin strain. It was a memorable xmas explaining the limp.

On a serious note cock rings can be for enhanced erections but many are to do exactly what you bought it for . I’ve since bought us a more powerful one 😳.

He needs to get over it and realise how lucky he is to have a partner who is as open to new things and come with you!!

“ I can’t imagine it being very pleasurable for a man to have a vibrating ring around his…”🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Thank you I needed this. I've been feeling really rubbish about it

Sorry OP that you seem to be receiving a lot of judgement. It seems particularly harsh as lots of people are commenting without bothering to read through your posts. (Please posters click the ‘OP posts: see all’ before commenting. It really wastes all our time when people make possibly sarcastic comments about ‘trying to communicate’ when the OP has gone into detailed discussions on how she has repeatedly attempted to communicate her needs to her partner and he has failed to act on it.)

Do not feel bad about the sex toy as a gift. As you are already using bondage style toys (the handcuffs and paddles) and extra stimulation toys (the bj toy), then it seems perfectly reasonable to introduce a vibrating cock ring to proceedings without having to discuss it first and as you said it was a gift for both of you. From what you said it’s has not been taken as an insult to his ability to last and/or maintain an erection. He said himself that it was about him not been ‘enough’ to stimulate your clitoris during penetration so he understood the exact purpose of the item. If he is aware of the fact that you do not regularly orgasm during penetrative sex then he should be seeking out ways to pleasure you and be grateful of you providing a possible way to achieve this. If he is aware of the problem and his only contribution is to ignore your requests and then buy you sexy underwear for his pleasure then how can he be surprised that you’ve taken matters into your own hands. To be honest the amount of effort he is putting in he should be grateful you’re still including him at all. I’d be very tempted to get a solo toy for myself and exclude him completely!

Ultimately you’ve given him an appropriate gift considering your shared interests, with the aim of improving both of your sex lives. His reaction is about him, and if it is because he is aware of the problem and his own failure to address it that is entirely down to him. Do not take on the feelings of guilt that should be his alone to deal with. If he is aware of the issue has he made any suggestions or effort to solve it? If not then he should be dealing with some unpleasant thoughts and emotions, which might explain why he is acting like a child.