Partner offended over couples sex toy I bought him

[Bamboosilverleaf]

Basically what it says in the title.
Been with partner for over a year. Sex life seems open and fun and we both love each other.
At Christmas we bough main present each and said a few jokey / sexy things.
One of the smaller things he got me was pretty lingerie that I loved.
One of the smaller things I got for him was a c*k ring as he opened it I said for both of us. He went oh ok. Got up and started a making a cup of tea. Anyway since then he hasn't mentioned it he's put it away in a draw. I wore my lingerie last night and said babe get the c*k ring out , massage oil etc . He didn't get it out the drawer. I left it, we had fun anyway.
So this morning I say to him , have you tried that c**k ring? And he said I don't really understand why you bought it , it's like basically saying I'm not enough for you or not getting your clitorous off by myself.

I'm in shock. I think I've made him feel insecure. He's being really distant with me this evening. He looks hurt. Have no idea why??

Reading this made me so glad I’m divorced and free of men and their fragile egos. They get offended if you buy something to have fun with but expect you to wear lingerie for them!
Been there got the divorce!
You’ve only been with him a year so move on and find someone you can have fun with.

I asked my husband his thoughts on this and he said, “He should be glad he’s getting sex…he should want to do things to please her…he needs to stop being boring”. We tried one once and to be honest we weren’t a fan of it haha! I do think misogyny affects some men in the sense where they get insecure about sexual things like that.

Yes I know I know how to spell Clitoris. It was a typo mistake ok. The asterisks were put there as I wasn't sure if I could post the word cock on mumsnet, but it seems I can... so cock ring

I've been to see him today, I've tried to talk to him about it. I explained I didn't mean to offend & that I thought it was something for him as well as me. He handed me the box back. I also explained I feel quite frustrated after we have sex as I rarely climax but he does ever time, he said I had hurt his feelings. I left shortly afterwards as the atmosphere was very bad , I think I'm going to have to seriously think about ending the relationship as like some if you have said we don't seem compatible

Oh OP I'm sorry he's so immature. Please believe me there are many wonderful men out there who will thoroughly enjoy giving you pleasure, with or without toys. They are the real men. Go find one. Good luck!

I dont think you’ve done anything wrong. He is insecure and immature and obviously you can’t talk about your lack of orgasms as he is too offended!!! I can’t see such a lazy lover lasting with you longterm as he is not responding to your needs

Thank you

I'm sorry, OP. I think that would be it for me. You've tried to have the conversation but he's not interested in working together to fix the problem (and you not getting satisfaction out of sex IS a problem, whether he thinks so or not). Using you as nothing more than another means to get himself off is hurtful too, but presumably that's a hurt he's willing to tolerate. I'd be nopeing out of this relationship right about now.

Um sorry, who cares? Is that all you have to contribute?

OP, sorry you got a beating here. Seems like a lot of male MN users might have gotten very offended on your DP's behalf. If he won't even have the conversation about you not feeling satisfied in bed then he's not a keeper, I'm sorry. My ex was selfish in bed and after a year of being on his best behaviour in other areas the mask started to slip and I realised that selfishness was a feature of his personality, not a bug. Him going in a huff about this is childish and manipulative.
You didn't do anything wrong.

@Bamboosilverleaf I had hoped this would have a happier ending. If he can’t see past his own ego, then that’s on him! Rubbish!!

Please don't compromise on your pleasure just because you love him/he gets defensive when you raise it. If he loves you, he should want to know if he's not satisfying you.

I doubt the majority of women require sex toys to orgasm. If they do, then their sexual partner is totally inadequate and ignorant of how to bring a woman to orgasm.

Most of us don't give each other sex toys (unsolicited) for Christmas. It's something you might discuss together, for some extra fun. If a sex toy is needed then something is wrong with someone's sexual technique/knowledge.

Stop trying to defend your decision if you want to win back his trust. Apologise and reassure massively. Tell him it was a mistake. No point trying to reason and explain yourself. You struck a nerve. You just have to make it better. That’s love.

I had similar response from DH. Years ago, direct had a little gift set of a cock ring, a finger thing that vibrates and I think something else. Came in a gift bag with some lube.

as our anniversary was coming up and we were having a rare night out together and staying in a hotel, I thought we could do something special. Particularly as we wouldn’t have to worry about any noise/sound (kids were young then, plus we had an au pair at the time)

he was so offended and put it straight in the trash!

I was looking for something different, he interpreted it as he wasn’t enough. (Which has never been the case.)

male ego. Maybe something from their far distant past that stuck with them.

So you told him you didn't mean to offend, and then offended him some more?

That really wasn't the time to have the conversation about him not bringing you to orgasm.

It's really sad if the majority of women do need sex toys to orgasm. Maybe the guys I've dated have just been really talented? 🤔

And what about him? Shouldn't he have to apologise for ignoring ops pleasure and then shutting her down when she tries to help him fix things?

Love isn't women putting up with shit.

As Ricky Gervais says 'just because you are offended, doesn't make you right'.

No decent man would behave as ops partner has. Even if he was hurt because he'd been making genuine effort to please her (which, doesn't seem to be the case). He would instead have promised to step up to the plate and give a shit about ops pleasure in future.

Fuck excusing bullshit behaviour as 'insecurity'.

It's actually weaponised incompetence. No different from him doing a half ass job of the dishes and whining like a little bitch when instead of just tolerating it, she gives him stronger washing up liquid and asks him to try again.

Op doesn't owe him any apology. Asside from maybe 'sorry if it's a little on the nose'.

Her partners a phony. I'm not buying that he's hurt. He's not 5.

@pollymere Maybe. Or perhaps you just reach orgasm more easily. Whatever, it doesn't alter the fact that a good number of women benefit from the use of sex toys in the bedroom. I don't see why that's a 'shame' necessarily. My partner is amazing in bed precisely because he cares about my pleasure and is willing to meet me where I'm at in terms of my needs. The only mistake OP made was introducing the toy without having a discussion first (and there are people here treating her like she's guilty of some massive betrayal over that, which is ludicrous). Her desire for it, or for better sex in general, isn't a 'shame' imo, and I think it's very damaging to women's sexual confidence to frame it in that way.

Of course, if this thread proves anything it's that women's sexual confidence is still perceived as less important than men's sexual confidence. And while that's the case there's gonna be a huge number of people, men and women, just having shite sex. I'm glad that's not me, and my partner's glad too.

@Pinkbonbon But . . . but . . . if she doesn't apologise he might dump her, and then where will she find a crap shag?!

Oh gosh I didn't think of that. What a calamity! And I suppose the poor little man might also have to gasp start caring about women's pleasure rather than treating them like blow up dolls in future...

It's just...unthinkable...
What's the world coming to when women stop apologising to men for not tolerating their shit!

He’s hurt.

Sure fire way to end the relationship if that’s what she wants. Her partners feeling insecure and hurt and you suggest she gets angry about it! Hmmmm? You sound like a dear I must say.

Where did I say she should get angry about it?

You sound like you deliberately misread things to hear what you want to hear.